I am new here.

[MustBeLove]

I have been on this site reading a lot of the post and decided to tell my story.

I have been with my MM for about 6mnths now. We work together and we started out as friends and it went on from there. Our relationship is a little strange. I will try and explain. He works about 1.5hrs from his house so he as an studio apartment at work, because he works 9-12 hr days. I see him 5 days a week. I spend every night he is down here with him. He will leave to go home on Monday at like 4pm and come back the next am about 7. When he goes home he eats and then goes to sleep. Then he will go back and the end of the week and do the same thing. When he is home I we will text. They have been having a lot of problems for a while dealing with TTC and then after a while finally having a child. They don't talk much at all and haven't had sex for a while before we got together. I think that it was strange about them being apart all the time but she is used to it because he has been a work aholic for his whole life.

I feel like he is cheating on me with her. We have talked about everything and we are madly in love with each other. I honestly forget that he is married. I think that is the only reason that I haven't left.

I just wanted to share my story because I don't get to talk to anyone about this.

[whichwayisup]

I feel like he is cheating on me with her.

 

You are. He is cheating on his wife and you are helping him do just that.

 

Don't forget that he IS indeed married and has a child. The fact is, he's been lying to his wife, so chances are, he's lying to you as well. DO you really believe that their marriage is sooooooo bad, they've not had sex and aren't close? Do you really believe everything he tells you? I bet you do because you're in deep so your emotions and your mind can't wrap around your head that it is possible he's not being upfront with you.

 

I think if you really took a step back, thought about this situation, you would leave before you get in deeper. He isn't going to leave his wife and child for you, that's the reality.

 

As long as he has you on the side, his wife at home, he's a happy camper. Why would change things up when he's got it all?

 

You really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Do you think he'd actually TELL you if he's having sex with his wife? Ofcourse not...That would ruin what he has with you.

 

Keep reading other posts in this section, and go read some threads in the infidelity section, so you can understand that there are consquences to your actions (and his) when the affair gets exposed. Chances are, people around you know something is up.

 

So many people are going to be hurt by his selfish choices and your participating in the affair. Again, his wife is REAL and so is his child.

 

Never say never, but one day his wife and child could "pop" into his other place and bust you two. Just be prepared for the fallout.

[GreenEyedLady]

Wow, I just saw the above post...and I was going to say that this a place where you can come and vent and get support, not necessarily support for your actions, but support for you...you will also get LOTS of negative things said to you...don't get scared off...the point is that you are here with people who understand the situation and everything that arises from it...

[whichwayisup]

I am not bashing her at all, I'm just trying to open her eyes to what she is doing. I wasn't rude or disrespectful. It IS possible to give harsh advice, which is better than coddling and helping her continue this affair. She obviously is still in the beginning stages of this affair and still can get out before she gets really hurt.

 

She must know that there ARE consquences to her actions and choices. Sorry, but that is part of the responsibility of being in an affair. Ask anyone here.

[Art_Critic]

She must know that there ARE consquences to her actions and choices.

 

 

Cause and effect

[GreenEyedLady]

WWIU: I didn't say that you were bashing her at all...and everyone here knows that there are consequences...I'm sorry if you felt that I was saying that you were bashing her...she probably feels awful that the one time she feels she can be open about her story she is so down-talked to and judged...

 

that said...she clearly stated that she has no one to talk to...and she has found the OW/M forum...this is where she should be free to speak her mind and I for one don't want her to feel that she is not welcome...

[whichwayisup]

she is so down-talked to and judged...

 

I didn't talk down to her, that's YOUR spin on what I said. My words are harsh, I admit that, but she's not a little child. She's an adult and real life can be tough at times. Her choices are putting herself at risk for SO much pain and heartache.

 

Nowhere in my post did I make her feel unwelcomed. I just gave my thoughts, again, harsh but respectful. Once again, she's an adult and mature enough to handle life.

If one chooses this type of lifestyle, then they have to be prepared to hear some things that they may not want to hear. Bottomline, the things I've said, she really needs to hear...I think afew others around here will agree with me.

 

I feel like he is cheating on me with her. We have talked about everything and we are madly in love with each other. I honestly forget that he is married. I think that is the only reason that I haven't left.

 

I just re-read this. I think I mis-read it the first time...Ofcourse it's natural for you to feel hurt and jealous, when he goes home to his wife. He's opened up with you, shared with you, told you he loves you, and maybe even made future plans with you. So, your heart hurts, I can understand that, but realistically, he's really not yours. He is married.

 

Your mind knows the truth but your heart doesn't so that's why it's so painful.

[will2power]

She must know that there ARE consquences to her actions and choices.

Wow! for a moment, I thought you are my stbxh!!

 

I don't think she's coming here for advice, even though you always give pretty good advice. I think it was more a venting session.

 

I think that once you come on here and start with your tough love advice/opinion, its easy to construe that as criticism and judgement. Like I've said in the past, if one airs their dirty laundry on a public forum, then its opening the doors for any comments, positive and negative.

 

So here's my two cents... To the OP, you may have forgotten that he's married and you may feel that he's cheating on you with his wife, but until he leaves her, the reality of the matter is that she's the one being cheated on, not you. YOU know that he is married. You made the choice to enable him to be with you and to be with her at the same time. That WAS YOUR choice. If you don't like it that he makes love to his wife after he goes home from work, plays with their child with her and have dinner and family time with her, then you have the CHOICE to not be with him.

 

When you involved yourself with him, that was what you chose to accept. No woman should have to share her man with another woman. If a man give you his heart, he needs to back it up with action. I don't really see him as someone worthy of your time. You also sound really young and you have a lot of living left to do to be stuck in this kind of rut. I'm saying this from my experience as a former OW.... if he is madly in love with you, then he would have done the right thing and extracted himself from the M before starting a relationship with you.

[Island Girl]

He is not yours. He never will be. If he is a work-a-holic he doesn't do it for fun. If he leaves his marraige he will have BILLS to pay. Child support at the very least. It seems to me he like money and doesn't want to have less of it, which he will.

 

When he leaves you - he goes home and kisses his wife. He looks at his child and smiles at his wife. Sometimes he even tells her thank you for giving him such a wonderful child - the fruit of the love that they wanted so desperately. The dream realized. He tells her he is working so hard now so they can have wonderful years together. Always providing her security and supporting the plan they have a great retirement portfolio. They make love when he is home. She has a lot going on with the child and he knows that. A couple of times a week is all she can handle.

 

He wants more. That is where you come in. You aren't tied to any responsibilities. Your time is completely available and he is going to use it up getting what he wants. He doesn't have to support you or answer to you. He just has to say the right things and do the right things whiile you are together. You buy it.

 

The saddest part of this - is these silver-tongued devils learned what to say and how to act from their wives more than likely.

 

He is lying to her. He is lying to you. He is cheating on her. He is not cheating on you -- he does not and can not have a commitment with you -- so he CAN"T cheat on you.

 

You are setting yourself up to run a race to exhaustion that you can never win. You will always be second, third, or last depending on what his agenda dictates.

 

Please demand more for yourself. Become accountable to yourself and don't make excuses for your bad behavior.

 

Find someone who can be as loving and supportive of you - as you are of them. Someone you can have a relationship in the open with. You are going to get hurt. Very hurt. And you will have no one to blame but yourself because you know he is married.

 

You are hurting innocent people. You are destrying your reputation. You are putting your job at risk. You may already be fired by your actions. He may already know what he'll do if it all hits the fan. Don't fool yourself into believing you are not the disposable one. When you are over he doesn't have to give you anything. Just the way he likes it.

 

I sometimes give harsh advice. It isn't coming from being mean or condescending.

To me situations such as this are just like looking at someone standing in the street, a bus is coming, and any minute they are going to get hit by a bus.

Do you calmly say, excuse me, pardon me, hellooooo,...and wait for them to acknowledge or do you yell at the person and say "Hey! Get out of the street?"

 

I see these OW situations and the OW always gets the short end while the MM has it all. They aren't ever alone. They go from one to the other.

 

I believe all women should be respected. They have to demand that for themselves. And when women do things like this where they are in some kind of fantasy that this is somehow 'their' man. But they are selling themselves short and allowing the MM to give them less than they deserve.

 

Women out there -- you deserve it ALL. Don't settle.

[Guest]

I thank everyone for your comments and advice. I know how things look from the outside. I ask my self how did I get in to this situation. I am smarter and I deserve someone who I get 100% from. I know everyone says that there situation is different, but I can honestly say it is. I know that everyone is trying to help but we are in love. I would be saying the same things as you ladies. I trust him 100%. I know that everything he tells me is the truth.

[MustBeLove]

I thank everyone for there thoughts and advice. I know that from the outside it is easy, but as you ladies know it is very different when it is you. I know that everyone says this but, we are a very different. I am the type of person who needs it to be black and white. I cant stand the gray area. I trust and believe him 100%. I know that last comment will get a lot of reactions, but it is true. I am not stupid, I am for staying with him, but I love him. He loves me. I do know that they do not sleep together. I do know that they don't have a connection like we do. I know that they both love their child, but that is the only reason they are together. I have tried the NC. I couldn't leave.

[MustBeLove]

I was not logged in. Sorry for the guest message.

[FlyingHigh]

. I know how things look from the outside. I ask my self how did I get in to this situation.

You made a conscious decision to get involve with a MM.

 

I know that from the outside it is easy, but as you ladies know it is very different when it is you.

Affair w/a MM is still an A no matter how you slice it. It's still cheating.

 

I am the type of person who needs it to be black and white.

What went wrong? If you are indeed this person, then you would have been aware the difference between right and wrong. Each one of us are equipped with the "basic" gift of knowledge of what is right and wrong. How we choose to live our lives and take responsibility for the choices we make defines who we are. At one point you were faced with the split nano second to "DECIDE" whether to get involved with a MM or not? And here you are...

 

Affair is nothing more than a selfish indulgence. It's a fantasy. It's an illusion. Do you know what the problem is with illusion? It has no flaws. It doesn't account for STDs. If you are his first OW, you certainly won't be the last. It also doesn't account for destruction it wreaks on the family and children, not to mention a spouse who could go postal on you.

 

Affair is an addiction. You and the MM are drown in it. Lke drug addicts, you are each other's fix. That's why you won't or can't leave. Every email/text message/call are your needs that gives you that quick fix along with tantalizing sex. Hours later, and like drug addicts, the fix wears off and you two start craving for more. You two call it LOVE or IN LOVE. Slowly you two appear "brainwashed" to the world while you two call it "puppy love". In between your fixes, your MM will start missing calls to his kid or missing the "first" things. He'll make excuses why he couldn't be there. As for you, you'll come up with your own excuses why you stopped doing things that you used to do....who knows... Before you know it, you and your MM have perfected the art of lying and cheating not only to everyone but including yourselves.

 

I do know that they do not sleep together.

How do you know? Were you in bed with them? Were you a guest in their home?..Oh, I forgot. That's what he told you. Do you honestly think he's going to tell you, "hey, baby....just one more thing. My wife and I are still sleeping together. Are you cool with it?"

 

Looks like you've made up your mind. Jump over to infidelity section because it will give you some insights on what to expect. Then, come back to this section and keep reading posts by OW/OM who continue to wait for the Cinderall "happily ever after" ending.

 

One more reality advise for you...If your MM lives in a "fault" state, expect he'll have more to lose once his W finds out about you.

[owcanbhppy]

hello must be,

 

you can probably tell by my screen name what camp i belong to. im still amazed how many times some one new comes on here, whether or not they pose a ? about 'will he leave', how many will say it is a fact that he wont (as if it never in history has happened), whatever he tells you about how he feels isnt true, blah, blah, blah.

 

the only one who knows if you are happy in your situation is you. no stranger on an internet board knows better how he feels about you than he does. are you comfortable w/ the way he backs up his words? are you comfortable w/ the situation whether temporary or permanent as it is?

 

as in any relationship, either this man is for you, with the conditions that come w/him. or he's for you, but his conditions are a deal breaker, or he isnt for you. there is no blanket assessment to determine the answer. this is up to you to decide how you feel day to day, overall. supported, or more on your own than if you were w/out a romantic partner.

 

personally, i feel more supported than i did in past relationships when the man was '100% available'.

 

whatever you decide, i hope you will factor it your right to happiness.

[Merin]

For the sake of discussion I would like to ask this...

 

IF you were seeing a Guy who WASN'T married but he WAS sleeping over at another Womans house, having sex with another Woman and taking another Woman out would you feel okay with that?

IF this Guy told you he's in love with you and only wants to be with you but he continued to see this other Woman, would you believe really everything he was saying to you was sincere?

 

My BF and I are not married, (to anyone) LOL had to throw that in there. I can honestly say that IF my BF were to sleep with someone other than me, it would be a deal breaker. IF he were to spend time with another Woman that would be a deal breaker.

 

The same would be said from him about me... He and I are together and IMO when or if one person chooses to go outside that relationship (married or not when you're suppose to be committed to one another) then it's a deal breaker.

 

While some people may be all good with a open relationship and that's fine, It isn't okay to involve a party in a open relationship without thier consent.

[FlyingHigh]

hello must be,

 

you can probably tell by my screen name what camp i belong to. im still amazed how many times some one new comes on here, whether or not they pose a ? about 'will he leave', how many will say it is a fact that he wont (as if it never in history has happened), whatever he tells you about how he feels isnt true, blah, blah, blah.

 

the only one who knows if you are happy in your situation is you. no stranger on an internet board knows better how he feels about you than he does. are you comfortable w/ the way he backs up his words? are you comfortable w/ the situation whether temporary or permanent as it is?

 

as in any relationship, either this man is for you, with the conditions that come w/him. or he's for you, but his conditions are a deal breaker, or he isnt for you. there is no blanket assessment to determine the answer. this is up to you to decide how you feel day to day, overall. supported, or more on your own than if you were w/out a romantic partner.

 

personally, i feel more supported than i did in past relationships when the man was '100% available'.

 

whatever you decide, i hope you will factor it your right to happiness.

Everyone's definition of "happiness" is determined by how we see ourselves and the standards we set. Yeah, we all want the Cinderella story even if it doesn't include a "castle".

 

ONCE you decide to get involve with someone who is married or "taken" you have just lowered your standards and minimized the process of attaining your happiness. By this, you have allowed your "future" happiness to be dictated by the outcome of what your MM/MW will do next. So where do you stand....you are a sitting duck agonizing and petal picking, will he, will he not, does he "really" love me or does he not? And then when things don't go your way, you pour your heart out to whomever will listen, hoping to make sense of the "whys?" The irony is, that somewhere in all of this and the whys and hows, you neglected to imgagine the consquences of getting involve with a MM.

 

That's why so many newbies like "mustbelove" find themselves on this board trying to make sense of why they are where they are in their lives.

[lindya]

While some people may be all good with a open relationship and that's fine, It isn't okay to involve a party in a open relationship without thier consent.

 

 

This is the crux of it for me.

 

When you first get involved with someone, you get all the good aspects of them. That, combined with lust and excitement, hinders any objective character assessment of them. Which makes it imperative (in looking after your own future welfare) to examine the way they treat other significant people in their lives. How open and trustworthy they are, etc. That's generally a reliable indicator of how they'll eventually treat you.

[owcanbhppy]

merlin, if your question is directed at me, my bf(mm) isnt sleeping w/ another woman. i know where he is when he isnt here & i know why. i wont go into details (still the internet, not to smart). i have info other than mm. ive known him so long, even w/out other verification his word would be good w/ me, its proven true w/out being tested consistantly, yr after yr. better track record than the majority of people you will ever come across.

[FlyingHigh]

For the sake of discussion I would like to ask this...

 

IF you were seeing a Guy who WASN'T married but he WAS sleeping over at another Womans house, having sex with another Woman and taking another Woman out would you feel okay with that?

IF this Guy told you he's in love with you and only wants to be with you but he continued to see this other Woman, would you believe really everything he was saying to you was sincere?

 

My BF and I are not married, (to anyone) LOL had to throw that in there. I can honestly say that IF my BF were to sleep with someone other than me, it would be a deal breaker. IF he were to spend time with another Woman that would be a deal breaker.

 

The same would be said from him about me... He and I are together and IMO when or if one person chooses to go outside that relationship (married or not when you're suppose to be committed to one another) then it's a deal breaker.

 

While some people may be all good with a open relationship and that's fine, It isn't okay to involve a party in a open relationship without thier consent.

Right on!

 

It's about setting standards and boundaries for yourself which equals self-respect. Anytime you CHOOSE to be the "third string" in any R married or not, you have compromised your self-respect. Again, for the sake of argument,everyone's self-respect varies by definition depending on self-esteem, family upbrining, etc. BUT, no self-respecting individual would choose to get involve with a MM/MW in the first place.

[Art_Critic]

ive known him so long, even w/out other verification his word would be good w/ me, its proven true w/out being tested consistantly, yr after yr. better track record than the majority of people you will ever come across.

 

I'll bet his wife might think his word isn't very good.. considering vows are all about giving your word to someone..

 

Do you think that you are geting a better version of him than his wife ?? if his word stinks to his wife than his word stinks to you also.

[Merin]

merlin, if your question is directed at me, my bf(mm) isnt sleeping w/ another woman. i know where he is when he isnt here & i know why. i wont go into details (still the internet, not to smart). i have info other than mm. ive known him so long, even w/out other verification his word would be good w/ me, its proven true w/out being tested consistantly, yr after yr. better track record than the majority of people you will ever come across.

 

My question wasn't directed at you.

Your MM track record isn't my business.

 

I was saying that Married or not it is my opinion that it isn't okay to involve a party in a open relationship (regardless if it's a physical affair, or emotional affair) without thier consent.

 

IF someones S.O. isn't aware of whats going on, then that isn't okay.

While it is someones choice to be with whom they choose, why would anyone think it is okay to assume that the other person would be cool with them going outside the relationship? IF the person who is going outside the relationship really believed it was okay with thier wife,husband,boyfriend,girlfriend... then why would they need to keep it hidden?

[owcanbhppy]

flying, im not a cinderella fantasy girl. my happiness was found long before i knew mm & will never be determined by what he, or anyone other than God or i do next.

 

i have not had a moments agony over any of his or my actions. i know my, his & our situations. your generalizations are wasted here.

 

im not questioning his love for me - never been given a reason to. doesnt sound like must be is either. her statements werent about whether he loved her.

[magichands]

ive known him so long, even w/out other verification his word would be good w/ me, its proven true w/out being tested consistantly, yr after yr. better track record than the majority of people you will ever come across.

Do you think that you are geting a better version of him than his wife ?? if his word stinks to his wife than his word stinks to you also.

I think Art is missing the point. He loves you, and that is all that matters, right?

 

Hmmm...do you know what love is? Does he know what love is?

 

I think not. But then that was more than a bit cruel, and I'm being more than a bit of a bitch today. Whatever. You wouldn't be defending yourself here if you didn't have doubts.

[FlyingHigh]

merlin, if your question is directed at me, my bf(mm) isnt sleeping w/ another woman. i know where he is when he isnt here & i know why. i wont go into details (still the internet, not to smart). i have info other than mm. ive known him so long, even w/out other verification his word would be good w/ me, its proven true w/out being tested consistantly, yr after yr. better track record than the majority of people you will ever come across.

So, if you are the the OW who is happy, I detect some trust issue here. Do you keep tabs on your man? How long were you the OW? Are you still the OW?

 

This is ONE of those hidden consequences that reveals itself in the wake of any affair that OW or OM don't take into account. Even if in the end, your are the "chosen one", you begin to watch your guy/gal under a micrsocope because you know that if s/he cheated on their spouse, you can't help but wonder if s/he will do the same to you. The probability of that happening is higher than 50% than had you begun a R on an "honest" level.

 

This is no way to live. This is no way to be happy. You can't be 100% happy when there is even a second of "doubt" in you R with the one you are with and who cheated.

 

Good luck to you.

[FlyingHigh]

flying, im not a cinderella fantasy girl. my happiness was found long before i knew mm & will never be determined by what he, or anyone other than God or i do next.

quote]

What sort of happiness did you find before you met your MM? And if you did find it, why did you choose to get involve with a MM?

 

i have not had a moments agony over any of his or my actions. i know my, his & our situations. your generalizations are wasted here.

OK, so be specific. Exactly what is your situation with the MM? What future did he promise you?

 

im not questioning his love for me - never been given a reason to. doesnt sound like must be is either. her statements werent about whether he loved her.

You're not questioning his love for you because you have accepted the fact that 1) he's a MM 2) you can't expect more than what he's willing to give and can give because he is a MM and 3) You're happy to get whatever he'll throw your way and 4) because he knows you've accepted the limitations of his "love" for you, he's a happy MM.

 

Whether you care to admit it or not, you have compromised a part of your self-respect by virtue of your willingness to be the "third wheel" in a marriage. Like Merlin says, unless all three of you, YOU, the MM and his W are willing participants in a three way relationship, then it fine. YOU MM's W hasn't consented nor is even aware. Yet, you take your MM's words like gold. Do you realize the naivete of your perception is?

 

Like I said, good luck to you.