perspektiv Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Sorry this is so long....I could have gone on forever. This is my first post on this site. I found it in my quest for answers and someone to relate to. I started an LDR with my gf about 5 months ago. Not only is she 2.5hrs away, but she lives in another country (canada). We have managed to see each other every single weekend. This weekend is actually the first we've been apart. We also talk to each other about 3 times a day. I'm very confused and having trouble with alot of things. I've been through some rough long term relationships, so my trust factor is sort of lacking. I guess I'll start with the bad....When we first met, I assured her that I had never cheated on anyone, which is completely true. Her response to me was that she has cheated on everyone shes been with. That painted a bad picture from the start. Before me, she was very sexually active, meaning she more or less had alot of meaningless sex. Guys would text her sometimes when we first met. She responded by changing her phone number, which I thought was great. She is freinds with alot of guys. I haven't met any of them so it makes me really uncomfortable and she knows this. The way she explains these guys, it sounds like she puts them on a pedestal. Now with the good...When we are together, we have an amazing time. We have yet to get in a loud all out brawl. Any problem we've had we've been able to talk it through. If I didn't know anything about her past, I would never question if she has or would cheat on me. She's great. Almost seems too good at times. So whats my problem??? Shes back in College right now, and super busy. The last time I visited her, I felt she was preoccupied. She just wasn't there. I attribute it to her busy schedule and school, but it still bothered me. I didn't even feel like being there. Whenever she mentions another guy my heart drops into my stomach. It could be the most meaningless situation and it bothers me. I usually clam up, but she can read me well and gets it out of me. Then I feel bad for thinking it. I don't want to push her away. I love this girl very much and could happily live the rest of my life with her. I just overanalyze everything to the point where I'm flaming inside. Just the fact that she told me she cheated on all her ex's, and my distrust/overanalyzing is making me crazy. There are days when I feel fine, but there are so many situations that I question. I feel like I'm being crazy about it, but maybe I'm not. Can someone change from being a cheater? How do I stop obsessing? I don't want to ruin this and I'm afraid if I keep it up that I will. Thanks for reading, and your opinions are appriciated...
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 She isn't making you feel appreciated or missed. She's not making time for you and ofcourse it's upsetting. Fact is, her past is shady, she's admitted to you that she's cheated on just about everybody she's dated...Scary. All you can do is decide to trust her (which I don't think you really do right now, her actions are making you feel uncomfortable, and you knowing her past, her telling you about other guys isn't helping) until you feel the time to talk to her about this. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd be telling her how you feel. 5 months is long enough to be serious and not casual. You two have had sex, so hopefully during this time she hasn't been with anybody else... I don't want to freak you out, but go with your gut instinct. If you feel something isn't right, chances are, it's not. So, definately talk to her, and see what she feels about the relationship. IF you really love her and think she's worth it, then work through it.
Author perspektiv Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 Well, I do actually feel missed. She gives me alot of attention, and is usually the one that calls me. Lately has been different since she did start school and she has less time. Like I said, she can come off preoccupied. I know its because of how busy she is, and she assures me its not me. When I talk to her about the trust issues (which we talk about alot) she tells me that this relationship is different from her past ones. I mean, how am I to know that she feels differently about me than everyone in her past? The truth is, given how she treats me and constantly calls me on the phone etc, I do feel as if it might be different for her (if that makes any sense). I did know her vaguely for a few years prior to our relationship. She has changed alot (in a good way), especially since we started dating. I guess my only answer is like you said. I have to "choose" to trust her. I've been trying my hardest to do that. I'm fine for a few days and then something bothers me about it all. A guys name pops up, or just stupid things or situations that make me uncomfortable. Anything that I've ever accused her of in my head, I've been proven wrong. I even checked her email after I thought there might have been something there. Shes given me (at will) her cell phone passwords too. I don't want to be that guy. I just want to move on with her and forget about both of our pasts. I know that will never be possible, but I hope that I can learn to trust again...
Irishguy3137 Posted September 24, 2006 Posted September 24, 2006 I understand that its tough, with a rough history and all. My girlfriend has the same thing, and honestly, you have to let it go. You either trust her or you dont. I'm making the mistake of being slightly in between myself and it's creating a long list of problems. If she is with you, she is with you for a reason, if you have a doubt or question about things, you are perfectly entitled to ask. There is nothing wrong with that if you tell them you aren't assuming anything bad, but just certain things have been getting to you inside, and if they truly care about you, they will take the time to talk to you about it and clear it all up. The more time you spend worrying, the good times will gradually fade. You wont be able to focus on the present and the fact that you have this great connection because you will be overwhelmed with insecurities involving other thoughts. This is my 2 cents because it is what has been happening to me. It can cause a lot of damage...stop it before it does. Just enjoy it, love her, be loved, and just make the most out of everytime you see her. The communication you have is a great thing, 3 times a day, i would kill for that. On days we aren't together, i get maybe a call in the afternoon, maybe 1 at night, but never going for much longer then 15-20 minutes. Just enjoy it man...trust me
Author perspektiv Posted September 26, 2006 Author Posted September 26, 2006 Thanks man. You are totally right about everything there. I just feel like I'm questioning her every move sometimes. I only verbally question about half of what I question in my mind. Its definetely hard. I have to wonder what shes doing every second, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't know. Its a hard situation for me to be in. I feel deep down that I know she wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but yet I still question that feeling at times. I'm just going to have to suck it up...
pumpkin89 Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 OK, dude, I'll make it short and quick... you're just obsessed with this girl... and she's just using you as "her just in case boy" sooo you should keep going with her if you want to but don't be all obsessed about her and most important of all don't fall in love with her and try to meet other girls, I'm sure she isn't the only one in this world, right? Think about it...
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