prubinos Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 My fiance and I have been together for about 6 years on and off and we have a 3 year old together. I'am supposed to get married in 5 months and today I found out that him and his ex, the one he apparently loved so much, talked for about half an hour. Now, he has not seen this girl since WE first met. The way I found out was I looked at his phone record to see if his other ex was still calling him. Let me start from the beginning, His other ex we'll call her "Desperate", had been talking to him all through out the time when I was pregnant and even before that (on and off). He said that was just his friend and Desperate knew about me all along. They had a sexual relationship when we first met but then we got serious so he stopped talking to her as much. Apparantly she loved this man,when I spoke to her and she told me she was tired of being the rebound, whenever I broke up with him, he would go to her to get advice and stuff like that. (I was tired of her paging him so I called her to see what she wanted that's how I found out he was still talking to her).I broke up with him then when I found out that he had been with her shooting pool when he told me that he was going to be tied up for the day doing yard work. Now the only reason why I forgave this man was because we called that girl together and apparently whatever she was telling me about him she could not admit to his face. She would say, "I never told her that"! so I took it like ok, she was lying some too plus we had just had a newborn. SO then I got over that but part of me couldn't really trust him like I use too. He started acting very good, would come home right after work, I knew his code to cell phone, everything was fine until recently when I see this other girl's number and they had spoke for 23 minutes. There was only one conversation he says, and that's all I see in his phone records. But why even call her back when you are about to marry me? he said he told her about the wedding and so on. So with me having enough I told him to get his stuff and that I wanted him out of my house . Did I make the right decision or am I exagerating?
swirly27 Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 As sad as it may be, it seems you definitely made the right decision questioning whether or not you should marrying this guy. People and couples go thru alot of problems, ups and downs, and heck, some couples out there make it thru everything and still end up together....but you have a child and children should never be the only reason a couple does stay together. You have every reason to have doubts and questions and take a step back. You already see what this has done to your trust in him....if you are together, without proper caution, care and work, you still won't trust him...and he hasn't done much of anything to earn or keep that trust. Its soooo hard I know, I can't imagine planning to get married and already having a child with someone and having to go thru this, but you did the right thing. Why did this man call her back? What did they talk about? If he is happy with you and wants you, why is she still calling? Did she call and he answered or did he actually miss the call and have to call her back? That even makes a difference, cause he should have just never answered OR called her back. You need to look out for you and your happiness and and your relationship with him affects the child as well. He needs to figure out what he wants, but scratch that, you need to realize he doesn't deserve your trust right now and he would need to re-earn it.
D-Lish Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 I'd be a little pissed. That would give me cause to distrust him. Go with your gut. You deserve to have a man who wants to be with you 100%. If you don't trust him, it won't be a happy marriage. You've got to have trust.
Island Girl Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Okay, the guy that you want to marry is the guy that, when he gets engaged that is the time of the full fledged commitment. This is hard to put down into words so I hope this flows correctly. Too often my friends have been engaged to men who still want to go out with their buddies all night and have their last days as single men. Like they are preparing to say good-bye to their single life and then suddenly, the day they say "I do" that will all go away. They talk until they are blue in the face about "well, I'm not married yet so it is okay. I would never stay out all night if I was married", etc. What I have tried to impress upon my friends is you marry the guy he is right now. If he is saying all of these single-type things that he does are going away by some miracle after that "magical day" then a girl should put her foot down and say -- "this is the rest of my life I am giving you. Show me what I am getting now and for a while before I hand it aqll over to you and you can't keep your word or we end up fighting because you go out with the guys and start staying out later and later. Worse you may end up resenting ME and blaming me for real expectations of marriage and what that word means." Unfortunately a couple of them made this exact mistake and there were LOADS of problems because of it. One is divorced and it was BAD. The otheris in and out of MC because of the problems of the resentment, etc. Bottom line is if it is a deal breaker when you're married, it is a dealbreaker when you are engaged. -- NOW, if you ask him the question -- 'would you do that if we were married?' and he says "no, of course not." He MAY be one of those scary ones that think the wedding day is the day when the thoughts in his mind (he doesn't think what he did was a betrayal - he thinks it may have been kind of bad but not worth breaking up over) suddenly clear and all of the gray areas become black and white. Sometimes it does work out that way. Sometimes. Don't gamble on it. This is the rest of your life we are talking about. Demand to know what you are getting before that wedding day. Would you hand over $30,000 to a guy promising that this car in the picture runs perfect, or would you want to know how it actually drives, rides, takes corners, etc. -- That is just $30,000. How much is your lifetime worth? I think you did the right thing. And if you are going to get back together, there needs to be very clear conversations about what is appropriate behavior as far as ANY other women out there. How you both feel about what is cheating and what isn't. Then test drive him for a while to see if he is really marriage material. Men can learn the rules. It is the woman that teaches them and the woman has the power in the relationship. They are moldable. But it is up to you if he is worth your effort at this point and up to him if he can do the work necessary to get you back and maintain.
Author prubinos Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 First I want to say he has not talked to her in about 8 years. Desperate was some other girl he talked to right after this girl. She is no longer in the picture. See he's a barber so he hands out his business cards a lot. He says the way she got his number, is through one of his customers that knows her and him. So then that person must have told him about the wedding an etc. He says she called him and he said he had to return her call because he was occupied at that moment. He called her the next day. Now this I believe because is consistant with his phone record. Then when he called her back she said to him, "So I heard you're getting married?" and he said yes and gave her the wedding date. Then he tells me they went on to talk about our son and how much he enjoys being a dad. That I can believe also because he adores our son. He also said they talked about football and the conversation ended and he hasn't spoke to her since, which was bout a month ago. I talked to him last night, I had all his stuff packed in front of the door and that's when I told him I wanted him to tell me everything word for word. So that's when he told me all of that. I kind of believe him because he sounds honest plus he hasn't seen her in eight years so I'm convinced there are no feelings there, but I don't want to be one of those naive girls just because I'm about to marry him. I've never been a naive girl and I don't want to start being all stupid now. So for the moment I have kicked him out in the living room and I've told him that is his new room until I can figure out what I want to do. I want to point out that he's been all I've wanted him to be right after I found out he had been talking to his other ex, which was about 3 years ago. He's been really good and had slowly been trying to recover my trust, but I don't know if he is taking this like, oh she's an old friend and I wanted to keep her up to date about my life and my future wedding. I'am taking this too far?
Island Girl Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Okay -- I kind of believe him too. It sounds plausible - not made up (guys usually tell the stupidest stories when they are caught). Glad you are taking time out to figure this out --- the living room was a good move. Because he may be telling the truth at this point, kicking him all the way out isn't the way to go. But because of the lack of openess to you and the doubt he shouldn't be in your bed. He needs to know you are serious about not marrying someone you feel you don't KNOW is 100% dedicated and 100% open about relations with other women - exes, friends, co-workers, etc. He also needs to have a clear understanding of what forthcoming and honesty mean. Lies of omission are still lies. What was he doing to earn back trust from you before this?
Author prubinos Posted September 27, 2006 Author Posted September 27, 2006 Thanks for your help! We are all better now. I told him if one of his ex's calls him back again he needs to let me know no matter what. I told him even though I'll be a little mad, it won't be as bad as me finding out by myself. To answer your question, he stopped going out completely (on the weekends), his weekends were spend with me and our son watching a movie or doing family things. Not only did he do that, he would also come straight home from work instead of stopping by his cousins house. He still does that now by the way. Oh and he also would call me and let me know if he was goign to be later that what I expected him to be. But I'm still going to check his phone records because I need to look out for myself.
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