MM moved out but....

[laliquel]

I really need some advice: he has moved out but called me last night asking if he can come and stay with me for a few weeks until his place is available. I am torn as to what to do, of course I want to be there for him and support him in all of this but it would be for a week and a half and it would mean us living together for that time. Is it ridiculous of me to dwell on the fact that this could be bad for our relationship? Also if I say no it could be worse.

 

why am I so messed up about this? anyone else have experience with this?

[reneet]

I really need some advice: he has moved out but called me last night asking if he can come and stay with me for a few weeks until his place is available. I am torn as to what to do, of course I want to be there for him and support him in all of this but it would be for a week and a half and it would mean us living together for that time. Is it ridiculous of me to dwell on the fact that this could be bad for our relationship? Also if I say no it could be worse.

 

why am I so messed up about this? anyone else have experience with this?

 

My mm moved in with me. It's now 6 years we are together. 4+ years living togehter. You just need to decide if you want him to stay with you. An I don't feel it would be bad if he moves in or not. JMO

[laliquel]

Thank you Reneet for your response!!!

 

Moving in together at this point is not an option, I was not asking we should move in...I am definitely not ready for that. sorry if my post was unclear, what I was asking was if it was a good idea to let him stay with me until he gets his own place in a few weeks. he is going through a lot of emotions right now because of the initial shock of change and actually moving out all the fighting with his ex, etc. so I am not sure if it's good for "us" to be living under the same roof for the time being. I wonder if this will tarnish our relationship. And again it's not that I don't want to be there for him it just feels like perhaps it's too much too soon for him to stay with me right now.

 

hope that made sense

[reneet]

Thank you Reneet for your response!!!

 

Moving in together at this point is not an option, I was not asking we should move in...I am definitely not ready for that. sorry if my post was unclear, what I was asking was if it was a good idea to let him stay with me until he gets his own place in a few weeks. he is going through a lot of emotions right now because of the initial shock of change and actually moving out all the fighting with his ex, etc. so I am not sure if it's good for "us" to be living under the same roof for the time being. I wonder if this will tarnish our relationship. And again it's not that I don't want to be there for him it just feels like perhaps it's too much too soon for him to stay with me right now.

 

hope that made sense

 

You've answered your own question in the first sentence of your post.(Moving in together is not an option) If he does stay with you for just a week or two, he might get lazy & end up not getting his own place.

Just something for you to think about.

[PoshPrincess]

Thank you Reneet for your response!!!

 

Moving in together at this point is not an option, I was not asking we should move in...I am definitely not ready for that. sorry if my post was unclear, what I was asking was if it was a good idea to let him stay with me until he gets his own place in a few weeks. he is going through a lot of emotions right now because of the initial shock of change and actually moving out all the fighting with his ex, etc. so I am not sure if it's good for "us" to be living under the same roof for the time being. I wonder if this will tarnish our relationship. And again it's not that I don't want to be there for him it just feels like perhaps it's too much too soon for him to stay with me right now.

 

hope that made sense

 

I have to say that I would let him if I were you, but maybe that's because I would give anything to hear that my MM was moving out! I was always ready to offer my MM a place to stay temporarily (although as a 'lodger with benefits' ) as I know financially it would have been difficult for him but I never wanted it to be a permanent arrangement. One, because I have a young son to consider (I wouldn't have been able to have MM sharing a room with me), and it wouldn't be fair to him, and two because I felt my MM should live independently to make sure being with me and being apart from his W was what he really wanted before making a more permanent commitment.

 

I think if you really want to have a relationship with your MM and want to make sure he leaves his W then you should let him stay, but stipulate that it would just be for a short while until he sorts himself out. You don't want to give him an excuse not to leave basically and you will be showing him how supportive you are to him and how committed you are to being with him. Of course, only you can decide if this is the right thing for you but that's what I would do if I were in your shoes.

 

Also, as you say, there is the EX to consider. Does she know he's leaving for you/know you were having an A? If she doesn't, then with him staying with you she would be sure to find out, which would cause you no end of grief and something you would need to be prepared for. Unless she is no longer in love with him and has been dying to get rid anyway she is not likely to give up without a fight!

[blind_otter]

You've answered your own question in the first sentence of your post.(Moving in together is not an option) If he does stay with you for just a week or two, he might get lazy & end up not getting his own place.

Just something for you to think about.

 

I have to agree with reneet on this one. I wouldn't let him move in.

 

I had a BF about 2/3 years ago, he wasn't a MM, just lazy, but I thought the story would be appropriate.....

 

we had just gotten involved, I mean a month of dating, and his lease was up. So he asked if he could stay at my place while he looked for a new apartment. I let him, I was naieve and I believed that he was being honest.

 

What it turned into was him living off me rent free for about 2 months, I kept reminding him, asking him, nagging him....he would make a half-assed effort to look around but always found little stuff wrong. Oh it's too far away, oh it's in a bad area of town, blah blah blah.

 

At the end we got into an argument about it and I had to kick him out and we broke up. It was one of my uglier breakups.

[PoshPrincess]

You've answered your own question in the first sentence of your post.(Moving in together is not an option) If he does stay with you for just a week or two, he might get lazy & end up not getting his own place.

Just something for you to think about.

 

And he may just be looking for an easy way out. That's not to say he doesn't love you but men are much lazier when it comes to looking after themselves. My MM has been with his wife since the age of 21 and lived with his parents before that so has never really had to look after himself. W was only about 19 when they got together and mainly stayed at home with the kids while he went out and earned the money. I was always concerned that he wanted me to offer him a place to stay because he wouldn't be able to cope on his own!

[FlyingHigh]

by Poshprincess: I have to say that I would let him if I were you, but maybe that's because I would give anything to hear that my MM was moving out!

 

If he really wanted you in the first place, he would've chosen you. But now that he's kicked out, he sees you as a "security blanket". You MM didn't have the balls to be honest from the get go w/you an his W. BUt, hey, if this is the kind of guy you want in your life, more power to you.

 

I think if you really want to have a relationship with your MM and want to make sure he leaves his W then you should let him stay, but stipulate that it would just be for a short while until he sorts himself out. You don't want to give him an excuse not to leave basically and you will be showing him how supportive you are to him and how committed you are to being with him.

And you expect him to be honest and committed with you when he couldn't do that to either you and his wife?

 

Also, as you say, there is the EX to consider. Does she know he's leaving for you/know you were having an A? If she doesn't, then with him staying with you she would be sure to find out, which would cause you no end of grief and something you would need to be prepared for.

Yes, be very PREPARED. If your MM lives in a "fault" state, you can bet your booties he won't have much left for you. And if you've read enough of the posts here on infidelity and the havoc it wreaks behind, count your fantasy of a "happily ever after" ending to be over.

 

Think about this for a moment:

How can you find happiness in someone else's sorrow? You don't know the impact his A has caused his W and family. All you know is his laundry list of negative craps he told you about his W and marriage. And he sucked you right in.

 

You seem like a rational woman, there is happiness. But is this the kind of happines you want....at the expense of someone else's sorrow?

[laliquel]

FLYINGHIGH -

 

First of all nobody kicked my MM out he chose to go himself, it was his decision, it was his doing he wanted out for ages now he finally built himself up psychologically to do it. So he did it!

 

Second of all, I am not findiding happiness in someone else's sorrow. My MM's homelife was what it was his marriage failed on it's own. His wife is never home she travels almost three weeks out of the month and he has thrown himself in his work and they have been neglecting one another for years so their "sorrow" was self inflicted. They don't have children so save it.

 

Thirdly, my choice is fine as far as the so called "lies" that I will have to endure unitiing with a so-called "cheater" I know my circumstance I know what happened to us, and I know that even if it does not work out we will try to at least give it our BEST. My philosophy for a successful relationship is very different than his wife's ie I won't throw myself into my career to avoid problems I deal with them and either fix them or I GET OUT. so I hope that we can learn from both our past mistakes, neither he nor I have a past track record of doing what we have now done, it happened we fell in love and here we are.

 

As to the lies some of you scorned people out there love to throw in the adulturer's faces, all I can say is you seem to dilude yourselves into thinking that only cheaters lie. I can assure you EVERYONE lies EVERYONE in fact your non-cheating spouse lies to you daily I can guarantee it, even if it's to tell you they are busy at work and could not retunr your call only to find out they were just having a chat by the water cooler and prefered that over talking to you at that particular time! so please spare me on the lie nonsense, because everyone lies. Yes an affair is built on sneaking around but the key is to build a solid trust foundation beyond that. If it;s not possible on to another person, at least that is how I see it.

 

SOME OF THE WORST lies I've been told in relationships were from men who would not DREAM of cheating on me. It's AAAAAAaLLLLLLLL relative so don't kid yourlself and be so quick to throw the old "he's going to lie to you too" threat. If he does then then that will be dealt with at the time. Having been on both ends now I know EXACTLY what to look out for and I doubt if will be that simple for my partner to pull a fast one on me. But of course never say never. Life is all over the place, simple as that.

[blind_otter]

Well I'm setting aside the MM fact, and just telling you straight up --

 

It's always a mistake to allow your lover to leapfrog from relationship to relationship. Regardless ofthe nature of his previous relationship, married or not, everyone needs time to get back on their feet and redefine themselves outside of the context of their previous relationship.

 

If you do allow him to move in directly, you will very likely deal with the emotional baggage from his previous relationship. But then again this may not be an issue, since your relationship began while he was still entrenched in his marriage -- so you will likely deal with the emotional fallout whether you want to or not.

 

But it would be a good idea to take the steps to cushion the blow.

[reneet]

FLYINGHIGH -

 

First of all nobody kicked my MM out he chose to go himself, it was his decision, it was his doing he wanted out for ages now he finally built himself up psychologically to do it. So he did it!

 

Second of all, I am not findiding happiness in someone else's sorrow. My MM's homelife was what it was his marriage failed on it's own. His wife is never home she travels almost three weeks out of the month and he has thrown himself in his work and they have been neglecting one another for years so their "sorrow" was self inflicted. They don't have children so save it.

 

Thirdly, my choice is fine as far as the so called "lies" that I will have to endure unitiing with a so-called "cheater" I know my circumstance I know what happened to us, and I know that even if it does not work out we will try to at least give it our BEST. My philosophy for a successful relationship is very different than his wife's ie I won't throw myself into my career to avoid problems I deal with them and either fix them or I GET OUT. so I hope that we can learn from both our past mistakes, neither he nor I have a past track record of doing what we have now done, it happened we fell in love and here we are.

 

As to the lies some of you scorned people out there love to throw in the adulturer's faces, all I can say is you seem to dilude yourselves into thinking that only cheaters lie. I can assure you EVERYONE lies EVERYONE in fact your non-cheating spouse lies to you daily I can guarantee it, even if it's to tell you they are busy at work and could not retunr your call only to find out they were just having a chat by the water cooler and prefered that over talking to you at that particular time! so please spare me on the lie nonsense, because everyone lies. Yes an affair is built on sneaking around but the key is to build a solid trust foundation beyond that. If it;s not possible on to another person, at least that is how I see it.

 

SOME OF THE WORST lies I've been told in relationships were from men who would not DREAM of cheating on me. It's AAAAAAaLLLLLLLL relative so don't kid yourlself and be so quick to throw the old "he's going to lie to you too" threat. If he does then then that will be dealt with at the time. Having been on both ends now I know EXACTLY what to look out for and I doubt if will be that simple for my partner to pull a fast one on me. But of course never say never. Life is all over the place, simple as that.

 

WELL SAID!! THANK YOU!!

[PoshPrincess]

If he really wanted you in the first place, he would've chosen you. But now that he's kicked out, he sees you as a "security blanket". You MM didn't have the balls to be honest from the get go w/you an his W. BUt, hey, if this is the kind of guy you want in your life, more power to you.

 

I appreciate what your saying but unfortunately life is never that simple. Maybe I am being naive. I do believe my MM loved me and still does but maybe he doesn't have the balls to leave. Then again, maybe he has more conscience than other men by putting his kids first and sacrificing his own happiness in the process. My own Dad did it for years so it wouldn't be the first time!

 

I know plenty of women who have done the same sort of thing. Stayed with their husbands just to keep the family together when they know they would have been happier elsewhere. Unfortunately I was the hard selfish bitch who walked out taking her young son away from his father and I wasn't even leaving to be with anyone else. I learned from my Dad's mistakes!

[serial muse]

SOME OF THE WORST lies I've been told in relationships were from men who would not DREAM of cheating on me. It's AAAAAAaLLLLLLLL relative so don't kid yourlself and be so quick to throw the old "he's going to lie to you too" threat. If he does then then that will be dealt with at the time. Having been on both ends now I know EXACTLY what to look out for and I doubt if will be that simple for my partner to pull a fast one on me. But of course never say never. Life is all over the place, simple as that.

 

all MM stuff aside, this is actually an excellent point, lali.

 

and in a general sense, i do think it's true that lying as a conflict avoidance technique is a kind of personality trait, which just sees its most obvious expression in MM/MW. in other words, one thing you have pretty strong evidence of about MM/MW is that they tend to have that kind of personality, which would prefer to construct and sustain a heavy infrastructure of lies (possibly lasting for years - how exhausting!) rather than confront the relationship problems head-on.

 

however, you're totally right, that trait is not at all exclusive to MM/MW. and you're also right that there are no guarantees in life.

 

but i want to add that it's also far easier to identify the lies when you're on the right side of them. i.e., when you're not the one being lied to, but you know about them. from the wrong side, the words look totally different and things are a lot murkier. i'm just saying. still. you sound like a direct sort of person, so i hope things work out for you.

[laliquel]

Thanks Serial Muse Rennet and Posh for the nice feedback and even Flyinghigh, I appreciate all your comments.

 

I understand that this forum will attract the inflictors as well as the inflicted, ie the true victims. I am by no means excusing what I have done nor do I feel good about how things developed. I have comes to terms with the fact that whatever happened could not have happened if there were not already problems in the relationship. My affair was a friendship that developed into a strong emotional tie. The sex part only happend last weekend exactly one weekend before he moved out. Though I understand what happened I can honestly say I would never repeat this whole ordeal again, it's just not worth all the suffering and selfloathing I have experienced because of my own moral issues with the whole thing. Having said all this.....

 

I am just tired of hearing the old "he will do it to you too" line or how could you settle for a guy like that etc.. I mean, any man can do this to me too any man can ultimately be prone to cheating. any man/woman for that matter.....so I can't get hung up on stuff like that. A lot of the people that end up cheating on their spouses never thought possible that they would do it too. I am not talking about sexual flings, I am talking about falling in love with someone else. I don't condone cheating, I think it's wrong and I def think it is NOT the solution but sometimes people do get caught up in the most unimaginable situations, hence my own.

 

I have yet to see how my rel pans out or what it will be but if there is one thing this whole experience has taught is not look at life in black and white. Every situation is different, every person is different and who am I to say what is right or wrong for others. My intention was not to inflict pain on to others, esp. not his wife. I feel for her beleive it or not. In fact my MM wanted to tell his wife about us but I talked him out of it. It's not worth it to hurt her like that, I don't beleive in clearing one's conscience to burden another's. Relationships don't work out all the time, we just have to accept that. I've had plenty of rels that did not work out and I've grieve dealt with the pain of the loss and then move on, that's life.

 

I've always had an acute sense for lies and sneakiness in my past relationships and have had 0 tollerance for deceit, I don't see how that would change now. No one has a crystal ball, and sometimes you realise you waste so much time predicting situations and anticipating fears only to realise the anticipations far exceed the reality or things.

[Touche]

I completely agree with you. Under normal circumstances you can never really know with 100% certainty what someone's character is and that they'll NEVER cheat.

 

But the thing is..here's where your argument is flawed: You already KNOW! Do you not see that? You have the benefit of alreading knowing what is character is. So you still want him KNOWING what he's capable of doing? And knowing that he doesn't have a real problem in breaking his vows?

 

I guess to each his own...Good luck.

[laliquel]

Touche:

 

The only thing I already know is that he is just as much human as I am and humans will make mistakes, will fall into situations that are morally unacceptable and will do things that are completely out of character, even for themselves.

 

Never in a million years, being who I am, having been on the receiving end of being cheated on once many many years ago, could I even fathom the thought of getting involved with a married man. Be it emotionally or otherwise, I have had no eyes for taken men. Yet I did and it did happen to me, TO ME of all people. So who am I to cast a prediction on this man's future character when I did the unspeakable myself? Could it be that this happened to us and we would never repeat this again? Could it be that instead I met a decent man who was not a cheater that promised me the world and I him, but we let ourselves fall for others? WHO KNOWS? I don't have a crystal ball, neither do you.

 

I know that this guy was incapable of doing something like this in the past I can see it in his character, I can see how my "affair" was with him and it was not an easy ride. I did see a lot of remorse and guilt in him.

 

His vows were broken the moment they allowed themselves to throw themselves into their careers. It was broken when tjeu decided to stay in a loveless marriage and driften apart to a point where neither one cared anymore where, who or what, the other was doing. In the 7 months I have known this man he has called me from his home while she was in the other room under the very same roof. she even interrupted our conversations at times and he would just tell her he was on the phone and she would just leave the room. He was home alone all the time. Weekends out alone all the time calling me to see if he can see me, me refusing but asking him why he was alone again!?!? In fact we even met at a work related function (I had seen him before at other functions) which he attended alone every single time while everyone else brought their spouses.

 

Spare me on the breaking vows in reference to actual cheating, because their vows were broken WAY before that.

 

I would NEVER allow this to happen in my home, and perhaps that is why he so deeply fell for me? because he yerns for a woman who actually cares for him and who will let him care for her. We have a strong deep friendship, something he apparently never had with this woman. It appears they were just incompatible from the get go, I know because my last rel was like that. I loved him for who he was, I did, and he was a good person but we were def not soul mates we were just too different. We were incompatible in simple ways but ways that form the glue that keeps rels together and relatively happy. Hence I'm no longer with him.

 

Look I don't have the answers, all I know is that for love to happen the heart must be open to it. The cheating part is a harsh reality of what our own relationship was initiated on but it most certainly does not have to pave the way if we chose not to. We chose not to, I never asked him to move out or to leave her. I just refused to enter a full blow affair, which is why I would never see him or put myself in the situation to get tempted to get physical with him. Our rel was virtual up until this past month when our feelings were incontrollable and last weekend we consumated it physically, his moveout date was set last weekend.

 

So far everything he has promised me he has delivered including his moving out date, time will only tell if our trust can grow. But isn't that always the way will ALL unions? Trust is earned, at least that is how I deal with rels. With me he has 100% delivered everything he promised, why should I mistrust him now? I personally don't have a reason to. his broken vows are exclusive to his rel and the combination he had with her I cannot meassure his worth or true fiber because of how he acted with her. Relationships are 50/50% and that's not to say he won't do it to me but that's not to say ANY man won't do it to me

[FlyingHigh]

I completely agree with you. Under normal circumstances you can never really know with 100% certainty what someone's character is and that they'll NEVER cheat.

 

But the thing is..here's where your argument is flawed: You already KNOW! Do you not see that? You have the benefit of alreading knowing what is character is. So you still want him KNOWING what he's capable of doing? And knowing that he doesn't have a real problem in breaking his vows?

 

I guess to each his own...Good luck.

 

DITTO!

 

Laliquel, this is your quote:

No one has a crystal ball, and sometimes you realise you waste so much time predicting situations and anticipating fears only to realise the anticipations far exceed the reality or things.

The next second of your life nor tomorrow is a mystery. But here's one fact that you know. Your guy is a MM! We have all been bestowed with the basic "gift" of what is right and wrong. You were conscious when you "decided" to engage with a MM.

 

"Things" just don't happen. Earthquakes and lightnings do. But getting involve with ANYONE who is married, a drug addict, or drink and drive IS a choice. Using the "it just happened" is an excuse for not taking responsibility for the choices we make. Try using this excuse in the court of law and you will be chewed and spit out by a judge.

 

Plain and simple: The choices we make in our lives and taking responsibility for those choices defines who we are. You had a choice to walk away from a MM. But you didn't. It is as much as having the choice to drink and drive. What it comes down to is that we are constantly faced with the "MINUTE" opportunity to make a choice based on what is right and wrong, emotionally and logically.

 

Your MM didn't take responsibility for the demise of his M. Most affairers don't. That is why your MM chose to you. You offer the opposite of reality. It's easier to blame than take responsibility. Hence, it is easier for your MM to blame his W for his unhappiness to justify his R with you. Would you be with him if all he told you how wonderful and beautiful his W is? Of course not.

 

Look L, I'm not trying to be harsh on you. I'm being as direct as you are.

[laliquel]

FLYING:

 

I really aprpeciate everything you have said, and in fact I agree with a fair chunk of it. I also agree it was my decision to get involved with a MM, and what I based that decision on was seeing that what he said, which was that they were contemplating seperation well before I came into the picture, was true to what his day to day life showed me.

 

Without being around him I could see just how lonely he was and how neglected he was in his marriage without him ever saying a word it was noticeable. NEVER has he said a bad word of his wife NEVER, he has given me general details about their relationship and but limited details about her. He has always talked in shared terms of what the problems are in their household. I was never the recipiant of all his complaints, he has always been very careful to speak limited things about her and I did not want to know, other than the things he felt our friendship had that was lacking in his rel right from the get-go. this is another reason why I respect him, because he never spoke badly of her.

I can see he is decent, not perfect, but decent at least in that respect. Sneaking around her back to talk to me or try to see me is NOT decent, I agree.

 

All the conclusions I have posted here are mine, from things he has said to me in general terms of their marriage and from what I have seen given that he is alone 80% of the time. Clearly there are deepseated issues in that household that were completely independent of me or "us".

 

My MM is well aware he did not take responsibility for his actions in making that rel work, perhaps that is why it allowed him to sink as low as he did to pursue another woman. I don't know I am not a psychologist, all I know is that things happen in life sometimes that we cannot predict, and one of those things happened to me and it happened to him.

 

As to your comment of offering him the opposite of reality, it's not so like that, it has been a lot of heartache between us and we have not been able to enjoy one another's company blissfully because we both feel bad about this whole ordeal and it's too angst driven to be even enjoyable, but despite it all we have made a deep connection that we are convinced we are soulmates. He does not blame his wife he blames himself infact. He has never tried to justify his rel problems by blaming here NEVER. So please don't jump to conclusions based on erroneous facts.

 

I see you are judging my rel, with preconceived notions and I don't blame you because I don't expect people to understand this, it is not a moral situation that will gain a lot of respect, understanding or empathy. BUT I do think you should at least give yourself the persmission to not meassure all affairs with the same stick, not all affairs are the same, like not all people involved are the same. I did not post a sign up looking for a married guy for a fling nor did he. We fell in love.

 

PS if he had to tell me how beautiful and wonderful his wife is why in the heavens would he fall in love with me?

[whichwayisup]

BUT I do think you should at least give yourself the persmission to not meassure all affairs with the same stick, not all affairs are the same, like not all people involved are the same. I did not post a sign up looking for a married guy for a fling nor did he. We fell in love.

 

But you both chose to have an affair. BEFORE he separated or left his wife. He knew all along that his marriage was rocky and going to end, he should have ended it before getting involved with you. Atleast this way you two could feel more comfortable together, instead of feeling like this :

 

it has been a lot of heartache between us and we have not been able to enjoy one another's company blissfully because we both feel bad about this whole ordeal and it's too angst driven to be even enjoyable

Because your relationship did not start on an honest and open note, this is probably why you both can't enjoy eachother right now openly.

 

Another reason not to let him move in with you. One cannot jump out of a marriage and jump into a full-on relationship that was once on the side. People need time to be on their own, grieve and get used to all the changes in life.

 

Date him, keep it light and casual until things settle down. I'm sure he has TONS of friends or family he can go to and crash at their place. Him moving in with you is just going to make things worse in general.

[will2power]

my SMM and I have a pact to play it fair. We promised each other that we would be honest with our feelings with each other. If we are not in the right frame of mind to be together, we speak up. If we have regrets and feelings of remorse for our situation, we speak up. If we feel attraction to another, we speak up and see what's going on.

 

Its been 3 months since we started talking again and so far so good. Also, its good that we only see each other outside of work once or twice a week so that we can both rebuild our independence. Its too much of a burden to be someone's sole source of happiness and joy.

 

While many of us OWs and former OWs all share or have shared similar experiences and our MMs (damn do the ever sound) very similar with each other's MMs, we have to keep in mind that each person is different. One MM may leave his W and C in order to pursue a new relationship, some won't dream of it or some would leave the M and C not because of the OW but despite the OW and end up not being with the OW. We just never know.

 

I think whenever one chooses to post about their A on a public forum, its inevitable that you get some flack for it, but in the end, I hope that there's more support than abuse and that the OW in need ends up getting the help and advice that she feels she needs.

 

Good luck.

[GreenEyedLady]

Well said W2P...

[NoIDidn't]

I really need some advice: he has moved out but called me last night asking if he can come and stay with me for a few weeks until his place is available. I am torn as to what to do, of course I want to be there for him and support him in all of this but it would be for a week and a half and it would mean us living together for that time. Is it ridiculous of me to dwell on the fact that this could be bad for our relationship? Also if I say no it could be worse.

 

why am I so messed up about this? anyone else have experience with this?

 

 

Back to the original question.

If he has moved out, he already have a place to stay. Don't let him move in with you even if it is only for a few days. Let him get a hotel room. And if you are afraid that saying no is going to jeopardize your relationship, you may need to ask yourself why you are in such a relationship to begin with.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[FlyingHigh]

FLYING:

PS if he had to tell me how beautiful and wonderful his wife is why in the heavens would he fall in love with me?

Precisely my point.

 

I see you are judging my rel, with preconceived notions and I don't blame you because I don't expect people to understand this, it is not a moral situation that will gain a lot of respect, understanding or empathy.

You assumed I judged your moral standards. I simply wrote, that each one of us are equipped with the same "basic" gift of knowledge of what is right and wrong. How we choose in that split nano second can become the most defining moment of our lives. How we choose to take responsibility for the choices we make defines who we are.

 

I have been on both end of the spectrum. I had an opportunity to engage with a MM when I was 21. He was a very attractive attorney with a reputable family name. He too didn't say anything "bad" about his W. He knew exactly what to say and do that could trap any wide eyed woman with fascination and admiration to falling in love. But I chose to put a stop to his advances. I told him that if he were going to cheat on his W, it wasn't going to be with me.

 

On the other hand, my XHTB had an 2-1/2 year A. The OW knew from the get go H was married. Because H, as I discovered through their emails followed the text book of a cheater: said the right things to his OW just enough to keep her hoping that he might one leave me for her. As H continued to cheat and lie even after D-day and 5 months of MC, I finally decided to let him go. To this day, he hasn't moved in with her nor has any intentions. He now lives with his unemployed siblings in their late mother's home.

 

So, I understand where you're coming from.

 

Don't live your life on a dream created by someone. Live your life for yourself so that you won't look back with regrets. Reexamine your post. It's filled with agony and uncertainty. You want to make the "right" choice whether to allow him to live with you "temporarily". This is why you are posting on this board. You need help to guide you on how to handle your "potential" future with this MM. Yet, you turned the other way when you were faced with the choice between getting involved with a MM in the beginning. Now, you're faced with the same predicament of having to make the "right" choice once again.

 

Life is such that if we don't pay attention to life's llessons, we will continue to learn them until we get it right. The tragedy to this is that while some people get it the first time around, there are those that never get it because they choose to not pay attention or look the other way.

 

Think about it...

[laliquel]

Precisely my point.

 

 

You assumed I judged your moral standards. I simply wrote, that each one of us are equipped with the same "basic" gift of knowledge of what is right and wrong. How we choose in that split nano second....

 

 

I did not take out this post to be told what is right or wrong regarding affairs, my choices are made, I have made them and I am well aware what is right and wrong. I took out this post to get feedback on whether I should let my man stay with me for a few days until he moves into his place. I don't understand why you are giving me the morality 3rd degree on affairs. It's a bit late for that, he left his wife.

 

 

 

. As H continued to cheat and lie even after D-day and 5 months of MC, I finally decided to let him go. To this day, he hasn't moved in with her nor has any intentions. He now lives with his unemployed siblings in their late mother's home.

 

So, I understand where you're coming from.

 

No you don't understand where I'm comming from because I am not asking if I should move in with him, that choice is made it's not an option I am asking if it's harmful for the relationship at this point in time to let him come and stay with me for a few days until he is in his place? I am having doubts because:

 

a) while I don't want to turn my back on him in his time of sorrow

b) I also don't want to step into a situation that will hurt our relationship, ie. by being his emotional punching bag.

 

so I wanted feedback on others who had been in a similar situation and how it panned out

 

Don't live your life on a dream created by someone. Live your life for yourself so that you won't look back with regrets. Reexamine your post. It's filled with agony and uncertainty. You want to make the "right" choice whether to allow him to live with you "temporarily". This is why you are posting on this board. You need help to guide you on how to handle your "potential" future with this MM. Yet, you turned the other way when you were faced with the choice between getting involved with a MM in the beginning. Now, you're faced with the same predicament of having to make the "right" choice once again.

 

 

Again my doubt was whether to let him come and stay with me temporarily, married guy or not I want to get feeback on whehter other people went through this and how it affected their relationship at such a crutial point. My choices ARE made by me and for me. Don't understand what scolding me on not turning my back on this affair hast to do with ANYTHING at this point!?!?

 

Now, you're faced with the same predicament of having to make the "right" choice once again.

 

 

Flyinghigh - clearly you just want to vent. Life is ALL about facing situations to make choices, affair or no affair. If you have nothing to offer as far as comments regarding the situation I have posted about then please refrain from posting here. There are plenty of people looking for advice on whether they should start an affair, perhaps those posts are more well suited for your "advice". My choices are made I am just looking of feedback on how to handle my current situation.

 

 

NoIDidn't:

 

thank you for bringing the conversation back around, yes I agree with what you said. Perhaps I should think about why I am doubting my choice to say no. Well I did end up telling him no, and I think he was not too happy about this and is staying with friends instead. We have been speaking all weekend, I had family stuff to attend so I have not been around much and I think it worked out because now he has had some time to himself to feel the change on his own. I agree that he needs to do this on his own before we can begin.

 

 

WHICHWAYISUP:

 

Because your relationship did not start on an honest and open note, this is probably why you both can't enjoy eachother right now openly.

 

The reason we can't enjoy each other is because he already has a life with someone else. I told him I did not want to start anything with him until he is free. Now he is moved out and so from this point we can start a relationship.