Should I totally ignore her ?

[Amour77]

Let us know if you get any replies....

A

[Island Girl]

Read through the e-mail to her and the one she sent back --

 

HUGE statements in there about problems in your relationship. They will need to be addressed and unfortunately they can't be addressed while she is there and you are here.

 

Also it will be a gamble if you go there - these things she mentioned are substantial.

 

She said that, while she was here with you for the entire 2 years, she:

 

Did not feel confident.

Did not feel attractive and sexy.

Did not feel free to live life.

Did not feel your relationship was condusive to be more open to try new things and meet new people.

 

She may know you are a fantastic guy. You are loyal to her, sincere with her, and kind to her among other things. It is difficult to find someone who is all of the things you are -- you are a rarity.

 

She knows that. She cares for you. She misses you because no one around her is like you.

 

However, she doesn't feel ALL of what she should with you and she knows it.

 

A woman should feel attractive and sexy with their man.

A woman should feel supported and encouraged to try new things. -- A man doesn't need to suggest new things or think of new things -- it is more of a feeling that if I wanted to try Sky Diving, for instance, I know my man would be behind me to be the best damn Sky Diver in the world. Does that make sense?

 

She feels A LOT of what she needs from you. More than probably any other. But she doesn't feel it ALL.

 

And when you look at commitment that lasts the rest of your life, you wanna know you are starting out with those needs fulfilled. (Thank your lucky stars she is grounded in reality and feels that along with the dreamy I-can't-live-without-you love stuff because she WOULD marry you with all of these unanswered questions in her head and you don't want THAT).

 

The only hope you have of marrying this girl and possibly having a successful marriage is being with her in the same place and seeing if you both can fulfill eachother.

 

Be really thankful she is at least mature enough to spell it out for you. At her age I really did some damage to guys who fit most of the criteria but not all of it.

 

Unlike her, I didn't know what needs were not being fulfilled and I did not take the time to examine the relationship.

Ceratinly because I didn't know them I couldn't articulate them.

The guys didn't stand a chance - it is horrible, but, in my search for happiness and commitment, I left many good guys who proposed hurt and damaged behind me. I was just too immature and self-absorbed to realize it.

 

The benefit to that at least is that I know when a girl is too messed up to be in a real relationship and hopefully I can help some of them that post here with what to do before or even after they get roped in (namely RUN).

 

I want to stress - I DO NOT think that is what is going on here. I think she really does love you and when she is talking to you she feels that. But her clear head is telling her "before you make a lifetime commitment make sure it is exactly what you want".

 

She is taking getting married seriously. She is viewing as it should be -- a serious lifetime commitment. That at least is wonderful for you. If she does end up being 'the one' niether one of you have your heads in the couds about what that kind of commitment means.

[Island Girl]

What a great e-mail. It took a lot of effort to spell everything out like that. And it was a great no pressure, I'm not weak and needy e-mail right to the end.

 

Reading it -- keep in mind I don't know exact details, but one reason he may not have talked to you about what he needed was your reaction to other things.

 

He probably did not want to cause you anxiety or get into an emotional spiral with you.

 

You have brought clarity to yourself. You are looking back on the situation with a new mind. There is no guarantee that, had he said something, it would have been met with the same openess and clarity.

 

Just something to think about and, if he contacts you, understand so an amendment statement can be made because it seems to me he tried to think about you first and how you would react when it came to anything.

 

-- Again that is just what I get from the e-mail.

 

I am glad you are doing so much better. The statements about the changes you have made are remarkable turn arounds.

[dreamguy]

Island girl, once again it seems the feminine opinion is so different from a masculine point of view.

After reading your reply and what D-Lish wrote, I started seeing both sides of the coin.

The first side being that she simply spelled it out for me: She feels for me but she doesn't feel it ALL. She also points out what needs she wants to have fulfilled.

The second side, as superconductor puts it and I hope he's a guy ;-) , is the fact that "her idea of commitment seems more inclined to my ability to give her what she wants, instead of working together to attain the things that we would need or want as a couple."

 

I seriously think that if I wanted to be fair, after having dated this girl for 2 years, I would say both your statement and superconductor's are true.

Unfortunately both statements clearly mean she is a selfish person because they both refer to what she wants and needs.

 

She wants me in her life, perfected to the image of the man she needs but, at the same time, I can't say she wants to cater to my desires and aspirations.

She decided to travel to follow her own career and dreams without discussing it with me and without thouroughly checking the possiblity of making things work in the country where we both were.

She mentions the fact that she will need to help her parents financially but she never asks about me. Do I need to set aside a monthly amount of money to help my folks ? Can I bear all the financial responsibilities of having house expenses and being married alone ?

 

Little by little, I'm starting to be convinced that I should not risk it all and go find a job where she lives to attempt a relationship. I feel that even if things work out and we end up getting married, my needs will always come in second place.

Little by little, I'm starting to distance myself from her. I might even accept the idea of going on a date with another woman to know if she is really the one I want.

I know time will tell so I just need to let it pass for now...

[D-Lish]

It's like I said before DreamGuy-

 

Use this time to figure out what it is that you want.

It's good that you are starting to think about your own needs.

 

It's a big decision- moving.... for a woman.

 

Be prepared- the more you pull away, the more she'll come after.

:-)

D

[dreamguy]

Thanks D-Lish

I'm ready to make her come after me so let's hope she does.

 

By the way, you have a lot of guts... you know that ?

Not many persons have your sincerity. They lack your honesty and your willingness to communicate.

I am glad you're doing better and I hope you'll get a reply to your email... if only for the sense of satisfaction it provides

 

**Edit:

Here we go... she just came on MSN 20 minutes ago and I was at the gym so she waited for 10 minutes and left.

She then messaged me 10 minutes after logging off saying "You really forgot about me !"

Two minutes later she called, I was in the shower so I couldn't answer.

We're talking about the same girl who said "I want to find myself before I can find us" a few days ago !

Too bad but so true... Napoleon once said "Pursue her and she flees from you, avoid her and she chases you !"

[D-Lish]

That's soooo true!

 

She has asked for time and space to figure things out... so you give her the time and space... and then she panics!

Rest assured, she is wondering if you are dating someone- and it is driving her crazy.

 

You must also be prepared that the tables can easily turn again- that she will grow weary of reaching out and stop contacting you.... so make sure that's what you really want before you take the NC too far.

 

The bottom line is that you cannot be expected to wait around.

If you're doubting your inclination to move- then explore that a bit more. It's a huge decision... it's a big risk.

 

I think that regardless of whether or not my ex answers my letter, I am going to be okay. He never, ever, communicated his needs to me- then he got angry with me for not meeting them - and that was unfair. I am beginning to realize that he wasn't right for me.

 

You should go out on a date- what do you have to lose?

I'm not ready to date yet!

Dee

[Yamaha]

Just because she is calling you doesn't mean she wants to change. She is just wondering what is up with you. You are right in that she is selfish and seems to only be concerned about her needs. Somehow you have given her the impression that you will do anything for her and she thinks you will always be there for her no matter what or how she acts. You need to back away and let her realize that she can and might lose you. If it was me I would just end it because I cannot be in a one-sided relationship where the other one just wants and wants. You have to decide what it is you want and need but past behavior is a very good indicator of future behavior.

[dreamguy]

Yamaha and D-Lish ... after reading your posts I kept thinking about the idea of backing off and letting her understand that I will not be taken for granted.

That exactly what I did yesterday after she joined MSN.

I told her that the best thing to do is to remain friends for now because just as she said she needed time to find herself before finding us... I needed some time to sort things out.

 

She then called me 4 times in a row but I couldn't answer because I was in the movies. So she sent me a message saying "I know we agreed to be friends but you seem so happy to have your freedom back again that you are not even answering me! I had no idea I was such a burden to you!"

So, after 1/2 hour, I sent her a reply saying "Hey! I was at the movie so I couldn't answer you. Anyway have a nice week at work. Goodnight."

 

She immediately called me back. I mean like 5 seconds after the message was sent. I answered and she stayed on the line (international call) for 1/2 hour or so. She was crying and she was constantly asking "Do you still love me?" and saying things like "I cannot imagine myself lying in the arms of another man!".

Before we hung up she said "Ok, since we can only be friends then I'll accept that."

 

I was really feeling her pain because I've been in her situation in the past. Still, I am convinced that I'm not guilty for breaking up with her because she turned me down and lacked decisiveness when I proposed 2 weeks ago.

[D-Lish]

She said she needed time right?

she's confused and wanting space to figure things out.... but she still loves you and you still love her.

 

Tough situation.

 

Were you on a date at the movies?

She is probably freaking out about that.

 

She's feeling the panic right now- so, as much as I'd like to tell you not to play games...um, play the game. The whole "I'm moving on" attitude is a good game plan!

 

D

[dreamguy]

No I wasn't on a date at the movies. I was there with a group of friends.

And although I told her I was there with them... I think she refused to believe that.

Unfortunately this is what it takes nowadays to get most people back on track once they start faltering in a relationship.

I'm perfectly aware that it might backfire and she might decide to date someone else or just stop contacting me.

Still, I look at it this way: When I was with her, talking in all honesty about engagement she didn't reciprocate anyway. So what have I got to lose by being distant and playing hard to get ? Absolutely nothing because the other way around was no good with her.

Had she turned out to be a mature woman who knows what she wants and is ready to admit it... I would have never reverted back to playing games.

[D-Lish]

DreamGuy:

 

I know it's strange to be playing games when you get to a certain point in life- but sometimes it's necessary!

 

When she is used to you being available to her whenever she needs you to be- it doesn't give her an opportunity to miss you. That's the feeling you have to generate here, and it sounds like that is what you are doing.

 

I don't think she'll be looking to date if you pull away- I think she'll go into panic mode and start thinking about what she is going to face losing if she doesn't pull her thoughts together and get her act in gear.

 

Sounds like she is beginning to regret her choices.

You're playing your cards right. I'd even go so far as to pull away further- maybe become "unreachable" for a couple days. Don't log on to MSN... don't return e-mail or phone calls right away- or answer when she calls.

 

Hmm, is this bad I'm giving you this kind of advice?

haha.

 

Good luck.

D

[dreamguy]

D-Lish,

 

I should have asked: How are things at your end ? I hope you're getting better day after day.

 

Well, sometimes it's bad to play these games with genuine honest people. But you get my vote there, your advice isn't bad... it's just the way relationships are... a struggle for power.

But when someone acts like my gf did... she leaves me no other choice. I was practically ready to leave everything to travel and work where she is now so this 2 year relationship gets a chance. All she gave me in return was hesitation.

I'm only reacting out of self protection. It's a survival instinct and my conscience is clear.

[Yamaha]

Yamaha and D-Lish ... after reading your posts I kept thinking about the idea of backing off and letting her understand that I will not be taken for granted.

That exactly what I did yesterday after she joined MSN.

I told her that the best thing to do is to remain friends for now because just as she said she needed time to find herself before finding us... I needed some time to sort things out.

 

She then called me 4 times in a row but I couldn't answer because I was in the movies. So she sent me a message saying "I know we agreed to be friends but you seem so happy to have your freedom back again that you are not even answering me! I had no idea I was such a burden to you!"

So, after 1/2 hour, I sent her a reply saying "Hey! I was at the movie so I couldn't answer you. Anyway have a nice week at work. Goodnight."

 

She immediately called me back. I mean like 5 seconds after the message was sent. I answered and she stayed on the line (international call) for 1/2 hour or so. She was crying and she was constantly asking "Do you still love me?" and saying things like "I cannot imagine myself lying in the arms of another man!".

Before we hung up she said "Ok, since we can only be friends then I'll accept that."

 

I was really feeling her pain because I've been in her situation in the past. Still, I am convinced that I'm not guilty for breaking up with her because she turned me down and lacked decisiveness when I proposed 2 weeks ago.

 

She's afraid you may not be into her as much as she wants you to. She is playing the game to keep you on the string while she makes up HER mind if she wants you. Don't fall for it. Keep your conversations short and let her know that your doing things while she is thinking about your future. The worst thing you can do now is to cave in. You've got her thinkng so let her know how it feels to not be so admired. Let her think you can go on without her and if she says bye then she was not the one for you.

[D-Lish]

Thanks DG,

 

Ummm, never heard from him. Then again, I didn't really expect to. I know what he is like, and when he shuts off, he's gone. I'm sure he wonders about me a little here and there, but he will never reach out to me.

 

I am doing better ever day though.

 

This is how I know that the NC can drive your partner crazy... because it's driving me crazy!

 

Until your GF can make up her mind, it's best to keep your emotional distance.

 

Hope you're doing okay!

D

[Josalina]

wow that was long lol, well i think she is scared, she loves u, she has made that clear but she is scared of the unknown.

she knows what she wants but unsure who she wants it with, u or u and friend or just friends.

she has said if we get married, so u r written off, she does still care but she wants to live her life her way, after all she is knew to all this, u have to remember u may b a treat to her being older, i was with a guy 8 years older that me once and the commitment he showed me at the time fightened me off.

when us ladis r young we like to know we r doing the right thing for us as well as everyone around us.

the best thing u did was write the email, she now still feels the same connection that drew her to you,and that is attractive in a man, someone who listens, understands and trys to except yet understand.

 

i am positive she hasn't finished with you completely yet but it you want his lady back offer to take it slow, don't rush her into anything, then when she does decide it will be a quicker and more positive response than you expected.

 

u have done the right thing, she knows how you feel and will think about what u last said, well done for being strong, but remember that you will not wait forever for something that never happen.

 

it will be alright in the end, if it is not alright, it is not the end. take care

[Josalina]

i am sorry i meant you r not written off as she still meantioned getting married.

[dreamguy]

Back again, almost 2 weeks later.

I now know I should have cut all contact with her back then !

But that's me, I often know what to do... still I don't do it !

 

I knew I had to simply cut all contact and walk away when she hesitated after I proposed. I initially did it but then she called me one day crying and asking why I was doing all this to her and why I was hurting her like that.

 

That's when my "nice guy" side kicked in and I started to ease in again until I sent her a message last Tuesday (10th of October).

The message said : "You said you sometimes wake up at night and you imagine me next to you. You also said you Love me so much that you're scared it isn't real. Well I want you to know I think about you a thousand times every day, with every second that passes... you're always on my mind".

 

She came on MSN at night.

 

I said "hi, how are you ?"

 

She said "I'm fine, sorry I can't stay... I'm getting dressed and I'm going out".

 

I didn't ask with who and were... I just said "You know what ? it was a mistake to send this message. Enjoy your time. Bye."

 

So she replied "Just because you sent me a message you expect me to come running into your arms ? I'm not a yoyo game ! One day you want me and the other you don't need me !"

 

So I did another mistake by saying "Let me explain something to you... my heart still holds feelings for you but my mind knows we are both in different countries and we have no timeframe for how things will take place between us. That's why I said it's better to be friends".

 

She answered "Yeah, I thought about it and I think you're right. It's better to be friends and date the people we want to date. If one day we meet again then it would be fate".

 

Then I said "All right, it's crystal clear: No feelings and no relationship. I have to get going anyway and you should go get dressed. Goodbye."

 

She said "Ok... later ;)"

 

She is still trying to manipulate me by saying "later ;)".

I didn't bite so I logged off MSN and I took a decision to stop all contact with her (I should have done this a long time ago !!!!). I now realize that by always being available in her life (by answering when she calls) I'm acting as a back-up guy and she is stringing me along.

 

A few months down the road, and while she gets all the emotional support she needs from me by calling me, she will probably find it easier to forget about me and meet someone new. Then I'll be toast !

It's been three days and she hasn't tried to contact me. I'm sticking to my decision: Absolute NC (even if she calls a thousand times. I won't answer).

 

I hope I'll do what I have to do this time !!

[dreamguy]

All right, I guess an update is due here.

After we stopped talking on Tuesday October 10, 2006 (refer to my previous post above for more details) I simply cut all forms of contact with my ex (even blocked her on MSN).

 

Surprise surprise ! She called my house on Saturday night at 10:00 pm.

I guess we all know why she chose that timing. Right ! She wanted to check if I was out (meaning I could be seeing someone else).

 

Anyway I wasn't home and so she left a message saying: "Hey it's me, I guess you're not home. I just wanted to check on you".

Needless to say that I haven't called her back. I'm still implementing no contact since October 10th.

The thing is I joined MSN yesterday and I unblocked her but she didn't message me. She just signed out 1/2 later without talking to me.

 

I think I'll have to block her again and resume strict NC (at least from my side).

 

If she calls I'll answer to see what she wants. If she wants anything less than getting back with me and telling me that she cannot live without me then I'll just apologize for being busy and I'll hang up.

 

Feedback is appreciated (even if detailed)

[D-Lish]

DG-

 

I wouldn't even answer the next time she calls. This has turned into a crazy game that you can't win right now. In order for both of you to figure this out- you need to be completely absent from each other's lives for a good while.

 

She can't figure out how much she misses you until you're gone. It will be hard to go into NC- but keep yourself busy and go out on some dates...just occupy yourself.

 

The bottom line is that she is reluctant to let you go because she loves you. On the other hand- she feels there are things in life she has yet to explore. So she is caught between knowing she wants to experience life- and struggling with the fact that if she goes off and does that- she may lose you.

 

That is her dilemma. And I'm sure it's just as tough on her as it is on you. It sounds like both you guys love one another a lot....but it's just not your time.

 

You should ignore her- completely. Until she is able to make a concrete decision either way... Otherwise the incessant game playing is going to make you miserable- and you'll start resenting one another. Resentment won't lead to a reconciliation.

 

:-)

Dee

[Moai]

Here is where things get heavy.

 

When she was calling 3 times a day and was getting all mushy, she may or may not have been looking for you to run back to her. In my experience, what she is really doing is trying to see if you would come running back to her.

 

There are a few red flags as far as I can see. First, the "I haven't lived enough" thing. It seems to me that this is code for "I want to sleep with more men to see what it is like". There is nothing else in life that is any different whether you are in a relationship or single (as far as experience goes) except for that. All of the things that she mentioned have nothing to do with being in a relationship.

 

She did say that is two years you didn't let her out there, or however she put it. Not sure what that means, but obviously she feels that she had to adapt her behavior too much in order to please you or make the relationship work. It may be true, it may not, but that is beside the point. She thinks it is. Sadly, if you try to convince her otherwise you'll look like a lame lapgod and drive her further away.

 

Her saying that she couldn't imagine finding someone better than you is a good sign. Maybe at some point she actually believes that. She also said that if you were to move to where she is she would give you guys a shot. Also pretty cool. Still, they are not as overtly "I want to be with you" as they could be. I'd take each with a grain of salt.

 

When she has called missing you, she is at a weak point in her decision making process, and regret is seeping in, that is all. She is missing the relationship more than she is missing you. Trust me. Once she feels strong again (like now) you won't hear from her. It doesn't make her a b***h in the least bit, but like almost everyone on the planet she wants to have her cake and eat it too. You can't blame her for being human.

 

Remember this, too: If she was really in love with you you would not be in this situation. Women do not distance themselves from men they love inentionally. There is no doubt that she cars for you very deeply--and probably always will--but right now you are not lighting her fires at all. You did, but now you don't. And that happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't hold it against her.

 

You were doing great with the NC thing, and then you set yourself back a ways. From now on, do not tell her how you feel. Ever. Not only is it none of her business, but all it does is reassure her in the place where she is. See, if you are going to make her feel ok about things, you need to be getting what you want--namely a commitment. No commitment, no support.

 

Even though you can't see it, you can be 100% confident that right now she is just as wigged out as you. She is wondering what you're doing, who you are with, blah blah blah all the time. And that can work to your advantage.

 

I wouldn't be strictly 100% NC if you want her back, or your relationship to change. If she doesn't call you in a couple weeks (but she probably will), fire her off a call. If you get voicemail, be upbeat as hell, tell her that you just called to say hey and see how things were going, and that you'll talk to her soon. If you actually get her on the phone, be as happy as hell and do not talk about your relationship--even though she will want to. It will be really hard (practice with your sister or a close girlfriend if you can), but you can do it. Ask Island Girl what you should say, post fake conversations with her and get her feedback if you don't have anyone IRL. She absolutely knows what she is talking about, and you'll feel way more confident about all of it.

 

Just let the ex talk, deflect any questions and stay positive. The only impression she should be getting from you is one of you being totally cool, healthy, and happy without her. Which, too be honest, you should be like anyway. When she first started this ball rolling you should have heard her out and said, "Ok." and left, not looking back. A week later she would have been at your door begging you to come back. But no use crying over spilled milk. be that guy now.

 

In doing these things, you are not being manipulative. All of the things that you are doing--or will do--are things you should be doing anyway for your own health and well-being. You should be dating as many women as you can, working on improving yourself, whether with hobbies or in your job (preferably both), keeping fit, keeping busy. Happy=attractive.

 

Remember, too, that if it isn't her it IS someone else. You are at the point now where your brain can mess with you and get you thinking that she is the only one, that there is nobody like her, and all the rest. Flat out not true. You could meet a woman tomorrow that will make you forget all about this one. Be open to that experience.

 

She is feeling the way she does because she does not value you as much as she should. Not her fault--its yours. Somehow, somewhere in your relationship you let that go. You need to get it back, if not for her than for the next woman. I don't mean to reiterate, but if she really dug you and really loved you it would never occur to her to want to "live" or whatever it was she said. She would know that she can't live without you, and that no experience would be worth anything if it didn't include you. The girl who believes that is the one you marry.

 

And it doesn't matter how old she is, or how long she has been in school, or any of that. Sure, they will all make excuses for that, but it is poppycock. Does it make sense that the only people who can fall in love have been around the world, have great careers, and have had hundreds of relationships? Or are older than 24? Puhleeze.

[dreamguy]

Dee, if I ignore her completely then somewhere down the line she'll give up and she'll move on. Don't you think ?

However I completely agree with you that I should not let her string me along otherwise the incessant game playing will never end.

 

Moai, thanks for the long but honest and interesting answer !

Remember this, too: If she was really in love with you you would not be in this situation. Women do not distance themselves from men they love inentionally. There is no doubt that she cars for you very deeply--and probably always will--but right now you are not lighting her fires at all. You did, but now you don't. And that happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't hold it against her.

Right about that. She has been losing her feelings slowly for the last few months because I did the mistake of saying "I think the relationship deserves a second chance" when she broke up with me back then.

 

Even though you can't see it, you can be 100% confident that right now she is just as wigged out as you. She is wondering what you're doing, who you are with, blah blah blah all the time. And that can work to your advantage.

When we break up with someone we always tend to think they are perfectly happy without us and they are perfectly fine ! But I guess you're right, she should be just as wigged as me.

 

When she first started this ball rolling you should have heard her out and said, "Ok." and left, not looking back. A week later she would have been at your door begging you to come back. But no use crying over spilled milk. be that guy now.

Boy are you right about this one !!! I knew I should have just said "ok" and walked away but I didn't !! Instead I just kept on coming back (being the first one to call a couple of days after each fight/break). She probably became conditioned to expect me to run after her. I called first but I never begged or pleaded. I just re-initiated contact.

 

She is feeling the way she does because she does not value you as much as she should. Not her fault--its yours.

Yes, I admit having done things that lead her interest level in me to drop !!

I mean when she first met me she was crazy about me and 3 months later she did something that annoyed me a lot. I told her "It's over, don't call me because I won't call you !" The next day she called and was begging me to take her back. I just with I remained the same guy I was when we first me (I know she wishes that too because she was head over heals in love with me).

Truth be told, I was acting more like an alpha male back then. I somehow let myself partly turn into a wuss lately and that is what made her have doubts... and eventually travel.

 

She would know that she can't live without you, and that no experience would be worth anything if it didn't include you. The girl who believes that is the one you marry.

This reminds me that she said (in an email she sent 2 weeks ago): "I lately realized that nothing replaces a bf and I wanted you to be that bf for me."

 

Keep the answers coming ! I enjoy reading your replies because they bring me back to reality !

[Moai]

You always run the risk of losing her. The whole point is to be the guy who doesn't care one way or the other. That is not to say that you don't love who you are with and care about them, but always know that you can get another woman whenever you want. The key is for them to make you not to want to.

 

It is so cheesy, but it is so true: if you let her go, and she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn't, nothing you could have done would keep her with you. You might be able to do some things that will keep her around for another year or so, but then she'll start feeling like she does now and you are on the roller coasteer again. I don't think that is the kind of relationship that you want. She probably doesn't, either.

 

You are lucky in one way, as your description of this woman and your situation makes me think that she is of the harpy variety. She does genuinely care for you, and little of what she does is intentionally to get a reaction out of you--although that is part of it. Always is, and that doesn't make her evil.

 

What you are doing, and need to continue to do, is setting boundaires and standards of behavior. She wants you to do this. She is doing it, too. Probably without knowing it, she is behaving in such a way that will develop your backbone--a backbone you let get soft. That's all. And you WILL get it back.

 

Like I mentioned before, if it isn't her it will be someone else. She sounds like a really togehter woman, for the most part, which is great, and it would be great if it works out. But, it will be great if iti doesn't. you got one nice, normal girl, you can get another one. You are so far ahwead of most guys on this planet thank you lucky stars, brother! How many guys in this forum are being tortured by some succubus and trying to figure it out, make it work, and all the rest and they are just squandering their lives. You aren't one of them. That alone should keep your head where it needs to be in all of this.

 

I wouldn't ignore her comopletely, but I could be wrong. I would keep casual contact, like I said, but when you do talk do NOT talk about your relationship. It is her job to worry about that part, not yours. She already knows you want to be with her, and she needs to come to grips with how she feels. The only thing that you can do to get her where she needs to be for you guys to work out is to focus on YOU. She is uncertain, NOT YOU. She put the feelers out there for other experiences, NOT YOU. I again stress that this doesn't make her evil, or even wrong. She can't help how she feels. She doesn't WANT to let you go and she doesn't WANT to be with anyone else. But she WANTS to be with the guy who is strong and shows her what's what. Not the guy who tells her and vacillates about things. The latter guy might make her feel betteer in the short term, but in the long run she will build resentment about it and then it is really over.

 

She is on that road already, a little. Her comments about you not letting her "out there" or whatever are the beginnings of that. ANd it only gets worse. See, you have nothing to do with it, but she doesn't see it that way. Because of some of your actions (probably unconscious on your part) she felt she had to adapt her behavior. Bad news. Because of "how you are" she should not consider the actions she would have to change, if that makes sense.

 

Think of it this way: you have a beautiful woman who does all that you ask, supports you, laughs with you, has sex with you, and all that. Would you do anything to mess that up? No way, You'd be all of the things that SHE wants--namely manly, affectionate, attentive, and strong. That is the way relationships are supposed to work. Once things get lopsided, things get weird.

 

And she doesn't want it to be this way. But she doesn't know how to get you back to being the guy she wants. So she starts thinking that more experience, or time apart, or testing the waters with other men might make her happy. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it isn't her job to know this or fix it, it is yours.

 

And you'll do fine. You are doing fine. Go with your gut, but don't let your emotions get ahead of you. If yuo don't feel confident about all of this, act like you are, and eventually you will be.

[dreamguy]

Moai,

 

Inspirational replies brother ! Keep it coming whenever you have time to check this thread.

 

I'll comment on a few things:

 

I wouldn't ignore her completely, but I could be wrong. I would keep casual contact, like I said, but when you do talk do NOT talk about your relationship.

Do you think she will even bother to answer if I call in a couple of weeks (after I ignored her call on Saturday) ? I know.. I know I think a lot and I tend to over-analyze things but that's me.

 

What you are doing, and need to continue to do, is setting boundaires and standards of behavior. She wants you to do this. She is doing it, too. Probably without knowing it, she is behaving in such a way that will develop your backbone--a backbone you let get soft. That's all. And you WILL get it back.

You bet I will get it back ! I may get weaker at times but I'll never falter and initiate contact because I know how she will perceive that (as neediness and this is what drove her away in the first place although I wasn't extremely needy but I was more needy than when we first started out this relationship).

 

It is so cheesy, but it is so true: if you let her go, and she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn't, nothing you could have done would keep her with you. You might be able to do some things that will keep her around for another year or so, but then she'll start feeling like she does now and you are on the roller coasteer again.

Words of wisdom mate! I'm glad I woke up now and I took a stand. I think she is truly stunned as to why I am not calling, texting, emailing her at all when I was the one to contact her after a fight !

 

And she doesn't want it to be this way. But she doesn't know how to get you back to being the guy she wants. So she starts thinking that more experience, or time apart, or testing the waters with other men might make her happy. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it isn't her job to know this or fix it, it is yours.

I know ! It's my fault that she is faltering. I think that if I chase her now I'll completely lose her.

That's what most guys (including mylsef) don't understand. The more you chase a confused woman the less chances you have of getting her back. The exact actions you are doing to win her back are what drives her away.

That's my problem too ! I know what I have to do but I rarely do it.

I just follow men's logic that when you want something you should work hard to get it. Well it doesn't work that way in broken relationships.

I mean in order to have a chance at winning someone back you have to work on yourself and on fixing the issues that lead to the demise of the relationship in the first place. One shouldn't confuse this with having to work hard to get back a woman by pursuing her incessantly.

 

You shed some light over a lot of issues I was starting to overlook.

For that I'm truly grateful.

I'll follow my gut and I won't initiate any contact with her. I'll only answer (if I'm available) when she calls and I'll be very casual and upbeat. I'll also be the one to hang up first.

 

It's simple, if I keep doing the same things then I'll get the same results (which I don't like). It's time I did something new !

I'll keep you posted as things develop so stay tuned !

[dreamguy]

Today I thought to myself that she tried to call me on Saturday and didn't find me.

The ball was then in my court.

So It's been 5 days since she called on Saturday and 9 days since I last got in touch with her (through MSN).

I texted her the following message a few hours ago: "Hey, I'm just checking on you. Hope everything is fine. Kisses."

 

Now I don't expect her to answer very soon after all we've both been through and I'm certain my message doesn't denote any weakness/neediness.

It's just a simple message that shows I care for her well-being.

If she replies, I'll take things very slowly from there.

If she doesn't reply within 10 days / 2 weeks then I'll know she just moved on.

 

I will certainly NOT unblock her on MSN (if she signs in and/or unblocks me) because if I do she will think I am waiting for some sort of validation from her and that will make me look bad.

By sending my message I just showed her that there is still an open door. But she will have to step in by herself if she wants me.

 

Thoughts ?