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Posted

It feels sad and good at the same time to be back on this forum.

Sad because it means I am going through difficult times.

Good because I'm interested in having a lot of opinions about my case and I know I will.

 

I've dated my last gf for 2 years. I'm older by 9 years. I'm 33 and she's 24.

 

I've tried to commit but we both realise I wasn't totally financially capable of getting my own house (at least not the house she wanted) and having a wedding (at least the wedding she wanted). Still, every now and then she used to ask "when are we getting engaged" and say things like "I can't imagine laying my head on someone else's shoulder" or "I want to have your child".

 

So far so good... She graduated 7 months ago and couldn't find a decent job. I have a steady respectable job.

3 weeks ago she decided to travel after being accepted in a multi-national company abroad.

 

And so the day came and she traveled 3 weeks ago.

 

2 weeks after she travels. I decided to find a job in the same country where she is (because I'm not so happy at my job anyway although it's a respectable one). So I called her and surprised her by proposing. At first she hesitates a bit and then she accepts (she knows it doesn't mean she has to come back because I'm looking for a job there).

 

Last week we were chatting on MSN and she was all mushy saying things like "I love you and I feel I'm ready to be yours".

On Thursday I msged her but she didn't reply. So I called her 3 hours later as I was worried (since she's abroad and alone). There was no answer.

I called againabout 1/2 hour later... still no answer.

Then about 1 hour later she calls me and talks to me in a very cold manner.

She says "I cannot log on to MSN because I'm going out with my collegues at work and they're picking me up in 1/2 hour".

So I said "Ok enjoy your time"

She goes ( in a very ironical tone of voice): Of course I will !

 

Comes Friday (yesterday). I don't contact her all day long (usually I send her msgs to wish her a good day at work and give her some courage).

She logs on the MSN at night and she msgs me to tell me she's not ready to get engaged... she's too young and she wants to make money, go clubbing, have fun, travel... and she wants no obstacles to keep her from doing this.

Then she said "You are not the obstacle as a person... but the idea of being married for me is the obstacle because I won't be able to do all that".

 

She then said she was too tired as she woke up at 4:00 am and her vision was all blurry. She said she had to go but she asked me to call her.

So I said "I'll call as I consider the decision taken tonight to be final". And I called (international call) to tell her that I cannot go on in a relationship like this... where one week she says she is ready to be mine and the next week she says she needs to be free.

I also told her that she shouldn't have accepted to get engaged to me last week when she wasn't sure about it. And I said "The way I see it, we are now both free to date other ppl and do what we want with our lives. I was ready to make a lot of sacrifices like working abroad just so that we can be together... apparently you don't see that so don't be surprised if I totally disappear from your life once we hang up tonight."

 

We hung up.

 

Today, while I was at work, I got an international call on my work number/extension.

She said "Hi, what exactly happened yesterday ?"

I said "You know what happened. When a man tells you he wants to get engaged you can't play with him by saying yes and changing your mind without any valid reason. You know what ? Just do what you want and I'll be living my life as I see fit".

She said "can't you just give me some time to think about it ?"

I said "no, I cannot sit and wait for you to decide after you had accepted to get engaged last week. I'm not a toy."

So we both said bye and hung up.

 

Now to the conclusion: I have decided not to answer any of her means to get in touch with me.

I did the mistake of taking her back many times in the past after we broke up and look at the result ! I have lost my credibility !

Besides I don't think she ever felt she lost me !

Some might say, she is going out with another guy ... but she said she wasn't yesterday.

 

Do you think I should totally ignore her ? If yes for how long ? When do I decide it's time to answer her calls (if she starts calling again) ?

 

What's your take on this ? I'm always open to people's opinions and advice.

Posted
Do you think I should totally ignore her?
Yes.

If yes for how long?
For the rest of your life.

When do I decide it's time to answer her calls (if she starts calling again)?
You don't. You move on.
  • Author
Posted

Superconductor, at least you had the patience to read everything I wrote !

Thanks for the quick but short reply mate.

Posted

Congrats to you dreamguy for being brave and shutting her out.

 

you do deserve someone who would jump at the chance to be with you - not constantly treat your feelings and hopes like a yo-yo

 

trust me, there are women out there who would love some man to be like this with them

 

this encourages me to shut down all contact with my ex now and be brave like you -

  • Author
Posted

Lost Girl Next Door and you can still do it. Shut down all contact with you ex.

 

I took my decision after being fed up of having spent two years in a relationship with a woman who constantly changes her mind.

I mean she would tell me one thing and the next day she would say the exact opposite.

And when I ask her: "Why did you say this last night and now you're saying something else" she would answer "I just felt it last night".

I mean come on ! How can anyone switch decisions overnight without a valid given reason ?

I only see one explanation to it: She's crazy. And I told her that during our chat yesterday.

 

I also told her that she's selfish for thinking about "her" all the time when I was ready to sacrifice a lot of things in my life (like my job and my friends) just to go work and live where she traveled 3 weeks ago.

 

Right now I have no idea if she'll call again after I was cold and distant today on the phone. But if she does, I'm not answering.

Perhaps I'll answer to see what she wants when her calls succeed each other at smaller and smaller time intervals.

Posted

DGuy -

 

Maybe you should not answer if she calls too. I am thinking that when we continue to answer their calls, we are only leading ourselves back into hell. When I talk to mine, I get that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know why. It is bile - probably how I feel about him now. And it has been almost 2 weeks since I have talked to him on the phone and i am proud.

 

I mean, come on. The right for you wouldn't always change her mind about you. You either love someone and want to be with them or you don't. It is all of this "in between" crap that makes me not want to ever date again. Is it so hard for someone to just want to be with someone? I mean other people seem to get it. They have families, babies, and etc. and stay with each other for years.

 

Why do some of us met the selfish idiots out there and fall in love? when is it our turn to have someone appreciate us? when is it our turn to have someone jump at the chance to be with us in this lifetime? is it so wrong for us to want that?

 

ugh - all of this just makes me want to scream -

 

LGND

Posted

I think you stated your position very clearly. She is not ready to commit and she is also a flake. You are to mature for her so let her go and find a gal on the same page as yourself.

Posted

Hmmm. From a woman's perspective here....

 

24 is REALLY young. When I was 24 I wasn't ready to get married. To be honest with you- I don't necessarily think she's a flake... I think she is still at that stage in life where she is figuring out who she is in relation to the world around her. You said she just graduated? Just started her first professional job? Okay, this is the first real step in entering real adulthood. Perhaps adding marriage to that equasion freaked her out because she is still trying to figure out what the hell is happening in regards to the new job, change of country, etc. Then the possibility of getting married on top of everything else? It may have just been a bit overwhelming.

 

Do you honestly want to marry this girl? Did you make that decision out of sadness because she moved so many miles away? If you do want to be with her, my suggestion is to have a heart to heart. I think you are feeling rejected right now (rightfully so), and perhaps your judgement is a little clouded by the rejection. Maybe you need to take a step back and figure out what you really want. Why did you decide you wanted to marry this girl AFTER she left? Why not before? You should probably ask yourself those questions.

 

The bottom line is, if you love her and truly do want to be with her, then you have to respect that she is feeling unsure and unfortunately, you might have to swallow your pride a bit and wait. It sounds like you caught her off gaurd by the proposal? She may even feel confused by your motives- you waited until she was gone before deciding to you wanted to marry her.

 

Just giving you a different perspective here.

I don't know, if you really love her, I'd talk to her at length about this....not ignore her until after you have that talk. You should only apply no contact if you are willing to chance losing her for good.

 

What do you think?

Dee

  • Author
Posted

D-Lish,

 

I think what you are saying (especially that it's coming from a woman) makes a lot of sense to how a 24 year old woman would react.

In fact I had the same idea. I thought to myself: "You should talk to her one last time as this whole idea of proposal (especially after she traveled) might have freaked her out since she's in a new country and she's just starting on her job)".

I think you're right. I should give it one last attempt to explain all the things you mentioned in your reply before I cut all contact.

But I won't have time to do that on the phone (since international calls cost too much around here).

I'm thinking of sending her an email today.

 

Yamaha, thx for the reply. I think I'll be certain if she's a flake after I send her this last email.

 

LGND, hang in there. Sometimes you meet the wrong people but they prepare you to recognize and appreciate the right ones when they come along. ;)

 

Cheers.

  • Author
Posted

All right, I decided to send her one last email before cutting all forms of contact.

Here's what it basically said (D-Lish don't be surprised if I used your own words. I wanted to try including a woman's perspective in my answer. It seems that approach surprised her quite a bit as you will read in her reply).

 

So you asked on the phone "what really happened yesterday ?"

 

To be honest with you I think you're at that stage in life where you're

figuring out who you are in relation to the world around you.

You recently graduated, just started your first professional job. This is the

first real step in entering real adulthood (I've been there not so long ago).

Perhaps adding marriage to that equation freaked you out because you are still trying to figure out what the hell is happening in regards to your new job,

change of country, etc...

Then the possibility of getting married on top of everything else? I think it

may have just been a bit overwhelming.

It sounds like I caught you off guard with my proposal.

 

You may even feel confused by my motives: I waited until you were gone before deciding to propose.

 

I do not see why a married woman cannot go out clubbing with her husband,

travel, have fun and make money.

Do you honestly think I wanted to get married to sit home in front of the TV

all day ? Or come home at night and yell at my wife "why is there no food on

this damn table!!".

Come on! we're in 2006 and I'm not that type of guy. I have dreams too, I want to have fun and make money too !

The difference is that I think it would be much more interesting if I do and

share all these things with a partner in life !

 

All right, you said "can't you just give me a bit more time ?"

I'll cast aside my male ego for a minute here, by forgetting that you accepted to get engaged then you changed your mind, so I can objectively answer your question.

If we were both to talk it through and decide to give it a bit more time. Don't

you think we should agree what happens during this period of "waiting" time ?

Do we fix a date at which the "waiting" time is over and we start taking action ?

Do we stay in a mutually exclusive relationship where we don't date other

people (and if we decided to do that... can we be faithful to our word since

we're both far away and no control is possible) ?

Would you like to be a 2nd choice for me ? (I know you don't)

Would you think I should accept of being a 2nd choice to you ? (I can't accept that)

A second choice being someone who sits down and patiently waits (not knowing what the outcome will be) while someone else figures out who or what they want in their life ?

 

I would hate to be misunderstood here. I am not implying or asking for anything in this email. I have already asked what I wanted to ask in a very clear and straightforward manner.

 

This email is just to show you that in case you are honest about your feelings and your hesitation is natural at your age, I will not let my ego take over and I will not immediately have a negative reaction without talking it over with you first out of respect. You have the right to explain yourself.

 

Think it over carefully and let me know what's your take on all this in a

detailed reply to my email. I'd appreciate that.

 

Have a good day and believe that everything in life can be solved. Nothing is

impossible and nothing should be so scary when there is an open communication channel between two people who are willing to face everything together as one person.

 

 

Here's her answer

 

It is weird,....this is the first time i feel you understand what is going

on inside me...as i told you last time :not being ready for marriage or

engagement has nothing to do with you as a person BUT it has something to do with myself.

 

As you said in your mail, i am in a new period of my life, a period where i

am meeting friends, where i have a new job, where am discovering a new

country...everything is new. I am not scared, i am enjoying it, but i have

to prove myself. I need to feel I have my own identity.

 

You know when i was doing my BA and my MBA, i really missed out a lot of

things in my life, i was only focusing on my studies. That was great for my

career..but also it had a negative impact on my own life, on my social life,

on what i missed out, on all the experiences i should have tried (skying,

clubing, cine, going out, camping, barbecue..) and i did not.

And today, when you tell me about marriage I am just afraid that i will miss again this period of my life...I just want to live the maximum i can, to do what i couldnt do, to feel i had a teenager life, memories i will remember when i will grow up.

 

You are right, we can live this together, but here again i feel i want to do

some things before getting married, before being related to a person, I need

to be the girl who is working, making friends, working on a social life.

 

You are wondering how much time i need. Well it might take 1 month like 1

year like 6 months like 6 years....In fact i dont want to stop living my

life, i dont want to stop going out, having fun, enjoying each stage, each

age. But as you said we can share this together. So for now, it is just a

matter of compensating what i lost in the previous years, what i really

wanted to do and did not.

 

I really want to enjoy life, i really want to discover things, to travel, to eat, to drink, to dance, TO LIVE! whether it is now and after getting married.

 

Now are you ready to have such a life if we get married?

Today, i woke up! and i am saying to myself...NO ONE WILL LET ME LIVE WHAT I WANT, i mean you did not in 2 years...so this is why today i am taking the things in charge, and i am changing my life style.

 

So this is the first issue, that in 2 years you didn't present me to the world, meaning that you just let me live the same way i was living....and believe me what i needed the most is someone to make me enjoy life, someone to make me see that life is not only about studying and working but also about enjoying everything!

Now am going out, am meeting people, am enjoying life and just like i am ! i feel sexy, hot, beautiful...because am going out, i see how people look at me, how people compliment me AND I FEEL GREAT! IN 2 YEARS WITH YOU I NEVER FELT THAT CONFIDENT!

Maybe it is because we were all the time focusing on the "what if", but we never really lived the present! and yes am afraid of this!

 

The second issue that bothers me alot..is the fact that you say you

sacrifce things for me! no! i dont want this!

i said i am not ready for marriage because i dont want to sacrifice an important period of my life which might affect our future life together! i dont want to blame you in the future if i regret something! and same with you...i dont want you to blame me if you come and you are not happy here!

i dont want you to take decisions because of me!

if you feel you are sacrificing something it means it is not good..the day

you feel you are doing something because u r convinced but not sacrificing

it is different!

 

The third issue is that i dont want to go back to where I used to live, not now and not even in the next coming years!

See you think we can get engaged and then discuss these things! well for me no! i prefer things to be clear and then take a decision!

 

As for having more time..i asked for time to hang out, feel i am building a

personality...but i never said i want to have bfs and go out with guys. No!

 

I am going out with guys...having drinks food..dancing in groups..but we are

all as friends!!

i am not going out with ppl in search of a bf.

i want this to be clear. and even if we are married, i want you to understand that being married doesn't mean not having friends aside...maybe one day a friend boy will need to talk to me or he is having a problem...or maybe one day i'll have lunch with a client...i mean these are normal things, these shouldnt be barriers in a marriage.

 

I feel i let everyhting go out! i was surprised by your mail..because i felt

you read a part of my mind and this is good!

 

Another thing before i go, i want also to feel ready financially..and i am

not! that today i can have my own money!

it is a way for me to feel i have reached something.

 

Hope you will understand me , i have nothing against you, i know i cant find

someone better than you in this world...i just need time to find myself

before finding us.

 

Comments ?

Posted

Bottom line: This girl has low interest in you. She sounds flaky, but that's beside the point. The only thing that matters is that she doesn't like you that much. And, that's precisely why you two broke up and got back together several times. She was probably never that into you. She was (and still is) just jerking you around. As the first reply said....no contact with her until the end of time. I wouldn't answer anymore calls from her. But, if you must answer, simply say, "hey, it's so good to hear from you, but I can't talk right now; my date's over here making dinner. But, I'm not that into her. You're still the one, so give me a call sometime," then hang up.

Posted

I disagree with the last post.

 

I don't think she's being flaky - I think she's being honest. And I think it's great that you guys finally laid everything out on the table. I think what has transpired between you guys is a very good start to figuring things out. You have both laid your issues out on the table- sounds like that hasn't been done to this extent before.

 

Women appreciate communication- they appreciate frankness as much as guys do. I can tell that she was pleasantly surprised by your "understanding" into what she is going through. And I am happy that I provided a little insight into how she might be feeling. I have been there- at 24. Now I am your age- and I understand all those confusing feelings that come with entering adulthood.

 

Hopefully this will keep the lines of communication open. Unfortunately- you may have to wait a bit if you want to be with her still. That much is evident from her e-mail. It's also clear that she cares very deeply for you and is not ready to end things. She's understandably confused, as I'm sure you are. Just keep talking.

 

I understand the need for a woman to feel beautiful. My ex rarely made me feel that way, and it was difficult for me to know how he truly felt.

 

If you require further insight, keep posting and I'll answer as best I can.

 

Dee

Posted
It feels sad and good at the same time to be back on this forum.

 

 

I hear ya !!!..

 

I have decided not to answer any of her means to get in touch with me.

 

Taking some time for yourself is always helpful.. but whether or not you keep it up should depend on whether or not you want to make it work with her or move on from her.

 

NC is a coping mechanism that helps us move on..But if you are doing it out of anger instead of letting go then you will possibly carry residue over into your next relationship.

Posted

Whether she's a flake or not is irrelevant. You've already summed up good reasons why she's not for you:

I've tried to commit but we both realise I wasn't totally financially capable of getting my own house (at least not the house she wanted) and having a wedding (at least the wedding she wanted).

Clearly, she's less interested in you than in what you can provide. Now, that's not all bad, of course; as a husband/father, it would be your primary responsibility to take care of your family's needs.

 

But this, at least as I see it, is different. Her idea of commitment seems more inclined to your ability to give her what she wants, instead of working together as a couple to attain the things that you would need or want as a couple.

Posted

Well DreamGuy...

 

Just wanted you to know that your e-mail to your girl inspired me to send an e-mail to my ex. I explained everything I have been wanting to tell him for some time now and have been compiling the e-mail for a couple weeks and just saving it to my drafts folder. I think I had to wait to send it until I knew I could handle his response- or lack of it.

 

I may not get a reply- but at least I said what I wanted to say.

 

Thanks for that inspiration.

After sending it -if I get no response, I will move to no contact and move on for good.

 

Relationships are confusing!

 

By the way- I do think that you should be using this time as well to think about what it is you really want out of life. DO you want to be clubbing at 33? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person?

Now is the time to start asking yourself these things.

 

:-)

Dee

  • Author
Posted

Some interesting replies in here although not always concurring.

 

gfto, I guess that could be a way to do things. But I would act like that only in extreme circumstances, for example if I had proof she was seeing someone else.

 

Art_Critic, I never thought about NC this way: That you only need to do it if you want to move on with your life. I think I also fell into the trap many other forum members get caught in: I wanted to use NC to make her realize what she had lost and make her want to come back.

 

superconductor, glad to see you're still following my post!

I had already noticed that "her idea of commitment seems more inclined to my ability to give her what she wants, instead of working together as a couple to attain the things that we would need or want".

However, I always discarded that thought because, as you said, I always considered myself (being the man) as the main provider for my family.

 

Last but not least D-Lish, it's always good to have a different opinion (in that case: your opinion). It helps me keep the balance since nothing is black or white in life and most circumstances are rather gray ;)

I have to thank you because if I hadn't read your reply I probably would have just initiated a firm NC thus never giving her the chance to express herself and never showing her that I can understand how she thinks (thanks to your opinion).

I'm happy my email was an inspiration for you.

Btw, I don't mind going clubbing at 33. Hell I don't mind going clubbing at 40 ! Life is too short anyway !

Keep us posted on what happens in response to the email you sent to your ex (you can also PM me if you don't want to open another thread from within this one).

Posted
she msgs me to tell me she's not ready to get engaged... she's too young and she wants to make money, go clubbing, have fun, travel... and she wants no obstacles to keep her from doing this.

Then she said "You are not the obstacle as a person... but the idea of being married for me is the obstacle because I won't be able to do all that".

 

This pretty much says it all. What more would she have to do to show you her lack of interest? And, why would you be concerned about whether she's seeing someone else?

Posted

Hi Dream...

 

I think that at this point you have to accept the relationship for what it is...

 

-She has a new life and wants to pursue it.

-She cares about you, but the relationship is not her top priority right now.

-She is young and needs to explore her options, figure out who she is and in order to do this, she needs to be on her own.

-You and she are seeking different things in your life...you desire a life-long partner and relationship. She desires adventure, exploring life and all its wonders.

-You want a relationship now...she doesn't.

 

Conclusion?

 

Well...you've got a few options here.

 

1. You can continue to pursue her with phone calls and letters. Unfortunately, this will most likely serve to push her away further.

 

2. You can accept the relationship on her terms. Which, of course, means putting your own desires on hold for who knows how long in hope that she'll come back. However, the risk here is that your wait may be in vain as there is no guarantee she'll come back.

 

3. You can continue corresponding with her while you date others, hoping to meet a woman who is on the same page as you. Problem with this is, as long as you continue to talk to her, you most likely won't get over her enough to give another relationship a fair shake.

 

4. Or...you can choose to walk away, make a clean break. It will hurt like hell, yes, but at least you can begin the healing process so you can begin a new relationship that better suits your needs. However, if you choose this route, you MUST begin NC with her. Otherwise, you won't heal.

 

I wish you luck, Dream. We're all in the same boat here.

 

~T~

  • Author
Posted

Well she just messaged me on MSN to tell me how much she misses me.

I know, she could be screwing with my head but she wouldn't have to say it if she had no interest in me.

Then she continued that she wants to give us a try if I decide to travel to the same country where she is.

She explained that her hesitation stems from the fact that she feels she will be responsible/guilty for making me leave my current job and give up my plan to pursue an MBA degree only to be with her.

 

Tormented, thanks for the "well rounded" reply. I'll certainly think about those 4 options you listed.

However, there's a 5th option.

I am not very happy at my current job and I'm very interested in making a career shift to Project Management. So I can find a good job where she is now and travel there.

We can then pursue an active relationship to see if things work out.

By doing that I wouldn't have traveled for her. I would have done it out of conviction for my own career and I can date her at the same time.

Posted

I can tell you love this woman, and I think you guys owe it to one another to see where things go. If you don't go after her, you'll always be left wondering "what if?..." And "what if's" can haunt you for a long time.

Even forever...

 

I can tell you that if my ex showed as much interest in making things work with me, I'd be elated. He did unfortunately have a VERY unhealthy obsession with motorcycles, and I always felt like I was nowhere near the top of his priority list.

 

It doesn't sound like she doesn't want to be with you- just wants to live life a little more before settling down into a marriage situation. I know others will disagree, but I think you should go and explore your future with this woman. No matter what the outcome, you'll be glad you found out.

 

I'll keep you posted on the situation with my letter. Although, i can tell you, this man was very stubborn. I think once he had made up his mind, there is nothing I can say or do to change it. I still love him though- and I'm glad I sent the letter. I wouldn't have sent it if I wasn't prepared for the rejection. I am prepared.

 

Keep us posted on what happens.

I think you guys are going to be "okay". That's great!

Dee

  • Author
Posted

I forgot to add that, after she replied to my email by saying:

"Hope you will understand me , i have nothing against you, i know i cant find

someone better than you in this world...i just need time to find myself

before finding us."

 

I sent her an email saying:

"I appreciate your honesty when you let me know what I mean for you but I have to tell you that when you say you need time to find yourself before finding us... it's womanese for: "Listen, I can't be with you right now for X or Y reason(s) that I won't divulge"".

 

So, when she messaged me on MSN yesterday, she immediately started the conversation by saying: "I was not trying to say that i dont want to be with u for x or y reasons. I did however explain my fears to you."

 

So, while in general, I would have to agree with everyone else in here: That when a girl says "I need time, It's not you it's me, I'm not ready for a relationship etc..." it means I lost my feelings for you and I can't be with you anymore.

However, I have learned that there are indeed exceptions to every rule (even in the dating arena).

I know, some people might tell me that I want to believe my case is "the" exception because I love her and I'm blinded by my love for her.

 

But she did not say "I'm not ready to be in a relationship". All she said was "I'm not ready to be married" and she added "I said I'm not ready for marriage because I dont want to sacrifice an important period of my life which might affect our future life together!"

 

How many out there did really love their partner but just weren't ready for marriage ? Especially at such a young age (she's only 23).

 

In the end, I perfectly understand I'll be taking a risk if I quit my current job and my country to go work where she lives right now and give us a chance. I might not be happy there and I might decide to come back but then I would have lost my current job.

This reminds me that "one cannot have everything at the same time in life. It's always a trade-off!" ;)

 

D-Lish, it would be great if you could give us a few hints about the things you wrote in your letter to him.

 

Talk to you soon.

Posted

She is into her thing and is not ready to commit to you or any guy. She wants to live her life and that will also include being with other guys. She feels sexy and likes the attention and the freedom.

I think the 2 of you are at different roads in life. She is not ready and I don't think you want to spend years letting her discover that she may or may not want to marry you. I would wish her well and let her go so you both can find the person you want to be with.

  • Author
Posted

As soon as I backed off (haven't contacted her at all since yesterday morning) she has called me 3 times so far and, every time she called, she was all mushy and her voice was so tender.

She kept on saying how much she missed me and really needed my presence.

 

Then she joined MSN an hour ago and we chatted.

I was very relaxed and I didn't bring up any touchy subject like how she feels about the relationship, what she wants to do in the near future or even if she has feelings for me.

I was simply a casual light conversation during which I was cocky and funny.

 

And when I said that I had to get going she sent me a kiss and wrote "I love you so much that I cannot even imagine myself with any other guy!"

I said "I know ;-) take care baby and good luck tomorrow at work" then I signed off.

Posted

It's good to be feeling like you have the "upper hand"- which it sounds like you do. Also sounds like NOT your love life intentions has taken the pressure off your relationship.

 

You're doing the right thing here though. I know it sucks to have to play a bit of a game- but by backing off as you are, it's making her crave your love and attention. Let her crave it for a while. We want what we think we can't have.

 

With my guy, I knew he wasn't the one for me. There were so many things about our relationship that weren't fullfilling me and I was thinking about breaking up with him... BUT, when he broke up with ME, it drove me crazy and I found myself wanting him back. Stupid eh?

 

I still think it's the right thing to do by taking the risk you are thinking about taking.

Dee

Posted

DreamGuy, this was my letter to my ex. My circumstances are different from yours of course. I have some anxiety issues that I recently started medication for and it is making a world of difference for me now- but it caused problems in our relationship....

 

 

 

Look, I feel I need to lay this out on the table for you.

I can't just walk away from this without telling you something.

 

There were things that weren't good about our relationship. I'll be the

first to admit that. I just find it frustrating that you never talked to me

about what was going on in your head. A lot of the issues you had with me

could have been worked out

if we could have just TALKED. You were getting more and more fed up with

the things you didn't like about me, and you just let all those things

fester into a horrible resentment instead of communicating your issues with

me as they came up. I'm still confused as to why you didn't speak up and

tell me what you needed from me. I don't mean general things- I mean

specific

"this is what I don't like and want to change about how we are together".

We

never talked about specifics from your end. I wish we had done that.

 

Instead of talking to me, you just went along acting like everything was

fine, that you were understanding of my anxiety and how it affected our

interaction. I just wish you had have said months ago, "I am frustrated and

worn out"- I would have taken the steps necessary months ago to see my

doctor and I

certainly wouldn't have gone on teasing you or making provocative statements

that made you angry with me. I just needed to know- I just needed to hear

you say outright what you were feeling. That is why I felt so blind sided

with the break up.

 

You always put up a front like you were happy and

unphased - I didn't see the resentment building and only understood

it when you told me what you hated about me when we broke up. Of course, by

then, it was far too late for me to do anything about it- and that's

frustrating. "Those statements bother me...when you act like that you

really piss me off..." That would have helped me immensely. Why didn't

you just open up to me??

 

Relationships don't just fall into place without working at them. When we

broke up you told me that YOU had tried... Well, you did try yes... I

recognize that. You tried to put up a good front and take the initiative to

do things you thought I would like. But that only caused resentment on your

part because YOUR needs weren't being met. It's no wonder that made you

resent me. I needed to know what your needs were- and that required

communication from you to me.

 

I wish you would have opened up to me a lot more about

all the things that were eating away at you instead of letting them build

into resentment.

I also wish that I had been less selfish and more in tune to

your needs. It's frustrating for me because looking back I know that

communicating would have changed a lot of things for both of us.

 

The last month has given me pause for a lot of thinking. Going on these

meds has opened up a whole new world for me. I am feeling confident, I have

been taking great strides with my anxiety issues- especially in the social

forum (I just booked a buying trip to New York city and am going for the

weekend by myself!). I just don't feel that fear that has always stopped me

from doing

the things I've always wanted to do- and it gets better every day. I no

longer feel the crazy butterflies, I'm sleeping better. I feel a lot more

happy and confident, both about me and what I have to offer others- and

about my work. The store has really taken off in the past bit, now I have

my loan and I'm beginning a renovation. More importantly, even on days that

I barely make

money- I don't feel phased by it like I used to. I just feel happy, and I

feel good about

things - I feel really good about myself especially. And it was that lack

of confidence and chronic anxiety that was causing a lot of the problems

in the relationship. My only regret about the meds is that I didn't start

them a long time ago.

 

The only thing I feel is missing is you. I know you broke up with me for

good reasons. I know how selfish and difficult I could be at times. I

never wanted to be that person- mostly because I knew there was a different

person hiding

underneath that insecure girl. I understand how much the social

difficulties caused you grief- and I hated that about me too. It was NEVER

a case of me disliking your friends- it was me reacting to my own

insecurities. Just a month ago I was causing you grief over going to your friend's house, skittish about taking your dirtbike out for a ride (even

though I wanted to do it!)... and just last week I walked in by myself and

joined a gym...and have been happily going most days since. That is

something I never thought I would have done.

 

You were right when you told me that I hadn't changed- but you were wrong

about me not wanting to. I wasn't choosing to be unhappy with myself, nor

was I choosing to cause you misery. I hate that it turned out that way.

But armed with knowing what I know now- I wouldn't make the same mistakes

again - I really wouldn't.

 

I am prepared that telling you this won't mean a thing to you -

- and I am definitely not living my life hoping you'll

reconsider and come back to me. But I am obviously asking you to think

about what I have said and if you ever feel you'd like to reconsider, I'd

like the opportunity to work at reconciling with you. I'm just telling you

that I'd be willing to work hard at meeting your needs- but only if you'd be

willing to work hard at communicating your needs to me.

 

If you don't- I understand and I have no hard feelings, I also still

maintain that I could be friends with you at some point. I'm not going to

bother you about

this again. If it's over, then it's over. At least I know I've said what I

wanted to say, and I have no regrets about doing that.

 

I don't want an e-mail back, I just want you to consider what I've said,

and if at some point you want to get together for coffee or dinner and talk

about this, just give

me a call. If not, I'm still going to be okay with the way things are, and

I'm not going to

contact you again.

 

Okay, that's all. My heart on the line a little bit- but I wanted you to

know how I truly felt.

D.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it, my heart on the line letter. I do feel better for sending it- but I don't think he'll respond.

D-Lish

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