Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we are both in our 30's. It hasn't been the most conventional of relationships - First 6 months - I was married to someone else. Next 12 months - I was sorting myself out, new home, divorce, counselling etc. Last 6 months - Finally i've become settled, stable & happy. Despite all of the above, my relationship with my boyfriend has been pretty good. Lots of fun, very few disagreements & it's seemed mutually very happy. He is kind, caring & respectful - although i've always felt he puts other people's needs before his own & some people (not me) tend to take advantage of his good nature & this clearly stresses him out. He is extremely attentive to me & our relationship, we spend on average 3 nights a week together & our contact is almost always initiated by him, he "books in" our next date before he leaves, he has never once cancelled or rescheduled & he calls me every day without fail - i get the impression that he wants perfection in every aspect of his life, he has a very idealistic view on what love, life & the universe should be like, and he gets very stressed when things are not "just so" - for example : if a date or phone conversation isn't action packed & perfect (i may be tired & simply want to chill out & watch TV or get an early night) he worries that he has failed. He is incredibly affectionate & tactile. He loves to kiss & cuddle, he's very touchy-feely, always holds my hand in public & loves nothing more than to snuggle up in bed & hold me in his arms - however, he has had a major psychological problem with sex for the last 6 - 8 months. He tells me all the time that he finds me very attractive & sexy, but he began worrying that there was something wrong with him as he didn't want sex as often as he used to (he's had major career stresses the past 6 - 8 months) He worries about pleasing me & worries that he feels he should want sex more often, this has become a psychological vicious circle - the more he worries, the less he is able to perform. He has had about 6 relationships in the past ranging from a few months to a few years. The shorter ones were ended by him, he says the girls were lunatics. The longer ones were ended by the girls, he says they wanted more of a commitment & he couldn't give that - he told me he has a big fear of commitment. He tells me i am perfect. He tells me he cares about me deeply. He tells me he doesn't want anyone else. He tells me i am wonderful. He tells me he feels very lucky to have me - but he has never told me he loves me. Then 2 days ago, completely out of the blue, he hit me with a massive bombshell (we had just had dinner & were listening to music & chilling out) His exact words were : I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't do relationships. I can't give you what you want. I just want to run away from it all. I want everybody to leave me alone. We didn't fight, we didn't cry, we didn't really even discuss it much further, i was that shocked. We just went to bed and cuddled as normal. The following morning he asked for a hug, kissed me, said he hadn't realised how much he cared about me, then went to work as usual. Later that evening he phoned. He cried through the entire conversation. He said it's not for me. He said he was no good at relationships & that he didn't deserve me. He said he wanted a few days to get his head together & think about what he wanted. I didn't argue or beg & plead, i just listened. At the end of the conversation he asked if he could see me next week (he actually wanted to book which day we get together) He said all he could think about when he left that morning was how much he cared about me. He said he wanted me in his life. He said he didn't want to lose me. I'm pretty confused here. Are these the signs of an ex-commitmentphobe who has scared himself witless by realising he's actually developed feelings for someone? Or are these the signs of a classic commitmentphobe who runs away when it looks like the relationship might actually be working?
Walk Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Has there been any talk about progressing the relationship lately that may have triggered this pulling away? Has he withdrawn from friends and/or family too? Is it just you, or is he pulling away from everyone/everything? Does he still do activities that he found enjoyable in the past... like.. hobbies he enjoys? Does he still do those at the same level of interest he's had in the past, or has it decreased at all? My initial feeling.. cumulative stress and possibly realizing he feels deeply about you caused the withdraw. An inability to face rejection while under so much stress.. maybe he feels a bit unworthy of you, lowered self-esteem due to his perceived problems in the "bedroom", combined with fearing losing you. He may feel that he doesn't have any more energy or effort to give out... he may feel that his efforts aren't measuring up to his expectations so therefore assumes they don't measure up to yours. And if he feels he has no more to give and it's still not enough, then instead of waiting for you to reject him, he wants to withdraw and protect himself. I can't give you what you want. I just want to run away from it all. I want everybody to leave me alone. All the commitment phobes I've ever been with... I've never heard "I just want to run away from it all" etc. Everything in your post says he gives too much of himself until he has absolutely nothing left to give. I've felt that way before. I end up feeling empty. All I really need is time without people wanting anything from me for a while. Not really alone time.. just time where I'm not expected to give everything, where I can recieve and not Have to do anythign for anyone else. Just me time. So I can heal and find balance. Anyway.. if he isn't the "commitment phobe" (and the ass he would be if he is one).. then I think you have the right idea about how to approach this. Let him talk, listen, be there for him if he wants, but don't make any demands on him. Tell him you want him to do what he needs to feel more balanced, and whole again. Basically be supporting without asking (or implying) you need him to give back to you at this time.
Author Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 Thanks for your input. There hasn't really been any talk about the relationship progressing from either party. He does, however, assume that I want more - more of a commitment, a more active sex life and to hear him say "I love you". I have never suggested nor implied any of these things, it comes back to his idealistic view on how relationships should be. Quite frankly I liked things just the way they were. As for his withdrawal from other people, yes, I am aware that he turns his phone off so as to avoid having to deal with people calling and asking him to do things for them. As far as his hobbies & interests go, he has a similar inability to follow them through. He constantly starts projects and never finishes them & I am aware this also frustrates him greatly. I don't know what else I can do to help. I have told him I don't need a higher level of commitment from him. I have told him that he can have the few days to think about things & that I won't contact him until he feels ready to talk further. I have told him that I am here for him & that he is welcome to contact me whenever he wants to.
MadDog Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 When someone says they don't want to be in a relationship, want out, etc., take their word for it. The worst thing you can do is to start second-guessing them and think they actually want to stay and they are just confused. I think the best thing you can do is cut your losses and concentrate on finding someone who is ready for a relationship and commitment.
Author Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 But I have made it clear to him that I don't want any kind of permanent commitment right now. I am only 18 months out of a long and abusive marriage, the last thing I want right now is to be married to or even living with someone else. I like the fact we both have our own lives and our own space.
MadDog Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 But I have made it clear to him that I don't want any kind of permanent commitment right now. I am only 18 months out of a long and abusive marriage, the last thing I want right now is to be married to or even living with someone else. I like the fact we both have our own lives and our own space. Yes but he's telling you that he wants out of his relationship with you. He said, "I don't want a girlfriend." You don't have to live with a chick for her to be your girlfriend. I think the bottom line is that he wants to play the field. Besides, he's got some obvious issues. I think your energy will be better spent on someone who can give you the casual relationship you want without the hangups. Baggage = lame in my opinion.
Author Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 I know this guy very well and although he may have baggage and issues, I can assure you he doesn't want to play the field.
MadDog Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I know this guy very well and although he may have baggage and issues, I can assure you he doesn't want to play the field. Okay. Maybe it's not about playing the field but it still doesn't mean that he should be with you. Yes, it will suck in the short term to break up with him but I guarantee you that in the long term, it will be much better for you to find someone else.
Author Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 Of course he shouldn't be with me if he really doesn't want to and I wouldn't stop him walking away from the relationship if that's what he genuinely wanted. The confusing point, and the point I'm asking advice on, is that he seems conflicted - to say "I don't want a relationship" and "I don't want to lose you, I want you in my life" is a slight contradiction of feelings.
Walk Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Okay. Maybe it's not about playing the field but it still doesn't mean that he should be with you. Yes, it will suck in the short term to break up with him but I guarantee you that in the long term, it will be much better for you to find someone else. If he was serious about breaking up, then why does he set up a date for later in the week and spend the night cuddling with her? You're a guy MadDog, what the heck is up with that? Sure doesn't sound like he "wants out" too badly.
MadDog Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 If he was serious about breaking up, then why does he set up a date for later in the week and spend the night cuddling with her? You're a guy MadDog, what the heck is up with that? Sure doesn't sound like he "wants out" too badly. Cause he's in the comfort zone and he lacks the courage to break it off. No guy who's happy being with his girlfriend is going to say he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He's got some damn issues so why should she waste her time? I mean, I've met chicks that blatantly waste a guy's time by stringing him along, etc. He could argue, "If she wasn't interested in me, why does she continue to do x?" It's cause she's got issues.
Walk Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 It's cause she's got issues. This is very true.. but there are also a lot of surrounding factors that change the interpretation of an action. If he had said this and then wanted sex.. maybe I could see it as "comfort". But I've never heard of a guy saying he wants out and then submitting himself to "cuddling" without sex. All the guys I've known in my life.. this was NOT something they did. Sex, yes. Cuddling... that was reserved for either immediately getting sex in return for the act, or for people they truly cared for. Not for those they wanted to seperate themselves from. I do agree though that he has some serious issues, and it'd probably be better for her to ditch him before he sends her to the loony bin with his inability to make up his mind.
Author Anastasia Posted September 22, 2006 Author Posted September 22, 2006 Believe me, if I was the type of girl susceptible to trips to the loony bin, my ex husband would've sent me there on a weekly basis! This guy, for all his baggage & issues, is a breath of fresh air compared to what i've dealt with before! Seriously though, he is under a huge amount of stress at the moment from other aspects of his life and I believe he's just desperate to reduce that stress, it's making him sick. It's almost as if he feels he needs to remove the pressure of having to "get it right" as a boyfriend for a while, so he can more effectively and productively deal with his other stresses - but at the same time he's conflicted as he doesn't want to lose me.
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