Wondering Why

[Lost Girl Next Door]

I ended a three year relationship last October because I wanted to get married and he did not. I don't believe in trying to push someone into something and knew that I would not change my mind or his mind, so I ended it. I know that I did the right thing for both of us. Our relationship was good, comfortable, and we got along really well. Obviously, I was more into him than he was into me. But we decided to be friends and stay in touch.

My problem lies in it has been one year next month and I am still a wreck. I did really well for awhile and then about a month ago, he finally admits to me that he has been dating someone else for about six months. I thought I would be ok with this. After sitting and thinking about it though, I realized that he had been calling me and talking to me about us and even that maybe we should get back together the whole time he was dating this other person. I don't understand this and it pissed me off. He claims that he did not tell me about this new girl because I would be hurt. Well, I was more hurt figuring out that he was seriously dating someone else on my own than he having the guts to tell me himself. If we were truly friends, he should have told me AND he should not have called me and talked about us as it was something he still wants.

He would call and say things like "now i know what I truly had. we were so good together. And the door is still open for us - should I want to get married at some point". Is it me or what kind of idiot would I be to sit around and have him sleep with who knows what until he figures out what he wants?

I have stopped all communication with him and still feel completely stupid, alone, and wondering how long my head has been up my butt. I realize that I did the right thing in letting him go and trying to move on. But why am I crying at work and feeling like my life is over? It's been a year. I should be passed this -

[LakesideDream]

Both sexes are guilty of keeping "backup plans". Truth is you cut him loose because you didn't think he was serious enough. He found a new girlfriend. Did you believe he wouldn't?

 

You did the dead them pined for him for months. Why? If you didn't want him, why shouldn't someone have him? Isn't "sleeping with who knows what" exactly what young single people do until they find what they want and settle down?

 

Obviously your current NC with him will have more effect on him than you. He seems able to take care of himself pretty well.

 

You may be "crying" and pining because you lost the exchange. You may view him as "winning" (moving on easily and making a new life for himself).

 

Move on, he has. The best way is to be happy with your own life.

[Lost Girl Next Door]

Thank you for your reply. I realize now what has been going on in regards to these "backup plans".

 

I don't agree with some of what you said, in regards to me not wanting him. We didn't breakup because I did not want him. I broke up because I wanted him MORE in my life and he wasn't ready for that. I didn't want a boyfriend that I saw every 8 weeks. I wanted to see him every week. I thought that was the mature thing to do since he "wasn't ready". I have never told him that I did not want him and he knows this. In fact, he told me that he wasn't looking to move on and just wanted to be by himself for awhile. Obviously, that was bull -

 

But thanks for the comments. I do obviously need to move on. My problem is that I don't know how to exactly.

[LakesideDream]

LGND, You didn't mention anything about seeing him every eight weeks in your original post, had you I would have had a somewhat different response.

 

Once every eight weeks isn't much of a relationship, there wasn't much to build on. If that was enough for him, and not enough for him.. the story was told.

 

Was the lack of contact due to careers? Geographical distance? Or lack of interest?

 

I assume you and your ex BF are fairly young. Dont wast the exuberance and happiness of youth on unattainable goals. Live your life to the fullest. Responsibility, family, marriage... will come soon enough.

[Lost Girl Next Door]

Ls Dream -

 

The lack of contact was due to the fact that he lives in California and I live in Texas. During the last year of our relationship, I talked to him about me moving out there to see where things would go. Because I agree with you - how much is there to build on seeing someone every 6-8 weeks? I mean, we were both happy and comfortable. I thought things would progress. I didn't say "I'm moving out there to pressure you and get married". I said " I want to move closer to see you more often". Well he freaked. I took that as a sign that he doesn't feel the same and I broke it off.

 

There could be a variety of reasons why he didn't feel the same. We are both divorced, in our 30s, and I have a little girl. I met him online after an abusive 3 year marriage that I ended. He came from a marriage where his ex-wife cheated on him. Obviously, we both had a lot of healing to do. He had already been thru therapy when I meet him. He helped me heal, we were friends for about 10 months, and then began dating.

 

He has since moved on and never told me about it. He claims it was to "not hurt me", but really it is because he doesn't know what he wants. He is in another LD relationship yet again because I think he is too afraid to have anything close. He confessed to me that he doesn't know if this one will even work and what is she wants to get married like I did?

 

So rationally, LDream - I KNOW HE IS NOT THE ONE! Or at least not the right one right now. He obviously does not want to get married to anyone right now. He has repeated this kind of stuff with his last few girlfriends. I didn't date him to change him - I started off dating him to just date. I didn't try to fall in love and have all of those wonderful things happen that do- they just did. One of the hazards of dating I guess (haha). I had my little girl to consider who fell in love with him as well. I wanted her to have a clean break so she would be ok too.

 

I just want to be ok now LDream. I want to sit at my desk here at work and not cry. Not have all of this bother me. I have a life to live and several guys interested in me. I just don't know how to move past this. But, I did sign up for therpay today. Maybe that will work...You have any ideals on how to let this all go?

 

LGND