Sexisally Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Which of these activities would you consider cheating if your SO engaged in: kissing somone of the opposite sex (not just a peck) having sexual contact that doesn't involve intercourse having sexual contact that does involve intercourse making verbal or written sexual comments to another talking to someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months) having phone sex with another having cyber sex with someone else viewing someone's web cam pics confessing feelings of interest/love/lust to another and not telling you he or she feels this way going to strip clubs sharing personal details with someone of the opposite sex that are not shared with their own SO. spending the night at an ex's house and not telling you others? Just curious what everyone considers cheating. My main ones are anything that you wouldn't do if your SO was right there beside you. Sex, kissing, lying about actions, sharing feelings with someone else are my big ones.
Owl Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 All of that is cheating. Engaging in any behavior with a member of the opposite sex (or same sex for that matter, if they're inclined that way) that would not occur if the spouse were present. Pretty easy to understand from my perspective. If I were to do any of those behaviors, she would be hurt by it. And of course they're nothing I would do IN FRONT OF HER...so obviously they're inappropriate. (not that I'd do them behind her back either...but I'm sure you know what I meant).
Rooster_DAR Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 All except for: going to strip clubs All the others are grounds for relationship termination.
Moose Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Some believe, as I do, that if a spouse even so much thinks about participation in any of these, it's a form of infidelity....Although....this one is a really gray one.....talking to someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months)This could be a professional Doctor, Clergyman, or relative.....
superconductor Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Two things in the list aren't grounds for ending the relationship, IMHO: The whole strip club thing;Spending the night at an ex's place. Plus, I'd have to second Moose's caveat about talking to someone of the opposite sex. It's dependent on the context.
RecordProducer Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 having phone sex with another having cyber sex with someone else This I don't consider cheating. I would think that something is wrong in our own relationship or sex life if he had the need to do this. I am pretty sure my husband hasn't done anything like this, but if he has, I don't care and don't mind as long as I don't know. This certainly doesn't mean he is allowed to do this. sharing personal details with someone of the opposite sex that are not shared with their own SO. If I know that he isn't attracted to this woman, why not? He is allowed to share whatever details he wishes with whomever he wants as long as it doesn't involve feelings for another woman (sexual or more than that). If he is interested sexually in some woman, then it would hurt me even if they talked about music and films.
RecordProducer Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 About spending a night at an ex's house... I am sure this is terrible in 99.99% of cases... But my husband's first wife has spent a night at his house when we were dating and I lived in Europe. She is mentally very ill. She announced she would visit him and showed up after midnight. His niece happened to stay over night too and they found her naked and half-dead lying on the floor in the garage in the winter. She was probably under drugs. He didn't tell me about this until a few months later. Moreover, he hadn't even mention this wife to me before 6 months into our relationship. He only told me about his second wife as if she was his only ex-wife. This bothered me, of course, but I do realize that he was ashamed of her and this marriage. No jealousy whatsoever when it comes to her. How can I be threatened by someone who is sevrely screwed up? She calls him sometimes, the last it was at 1 am. I know he cares about her, but he fell out of love with her 15 years ago. She says she loves him, but she is considerate toward me and I don't mind that she calls sometimes. As crazy as she is, she is a good girl and doesn't interfere with our marriage.
rainfall Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 All of those of cheating and something I would probably end the relationship over. There are some that are worse then others and I would kick his cheating butt out no matter what, however there are others that maybe I would consider forgiving him for. This would only happen however if he agreed to work on our relationship and see why he felt the need to cheat in the first place.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 C'mon, going to a strip club is not that bad. If he went out on a guys night out, I don't think it's a big deal. Now on a regular basis, then Houston we got a problem. I don't mind if my S/O goes to a Chippendales show once in a blue moon, she may just come home and give me a surprise!
CrushedOrgans Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 C'mon, going to a strip club is not that bad. If he went out on a guys night out, I don't think it's a big deal. Now on a regular basis, then Houston we got a problem. I don't mind if my S/O goes to a Chippendales show once in a blue moon, she may just come home and give me a surprise! that's right, going isn't the problem. it's the stuff that happens after they get there that most people disagree with.
Moose Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I kinda get where Rooster DAR is coming from. I think the OP meant on a regular basis. I would still be a little umcomfortable even if it's once or twice a year....but hey....we're kinda getting a little old for that chit anyways....
rainfall Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 C'mon, going to a strip club is not that bad. If he went out on a guys night out, I don't think it's a big deal. Now on a regular basis, then Houston we got a problem. I don't mind if my S/O goes to a Chippendales show once in a blue moon, she may just come home and give me a surprise! Well just GOING to a strip club would not cause me to leave him. However the lap dances, naked chick sitting in his lap to try to get him to buy lap dances, him touching some chicks panties to put money in there is what I have a problem with. Personally I wouldn't want any kind of surprise he would have for me after coming home from one of those places.
LakesideDream Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Ladies. I have been to a "strip club" exactly once in my life. I was about 35 years old. I had been married about 10 years at that time. It was a batchlor party for the man I worked for at the time. Overall it was a pretty boring night. Watching young "girls" dance around a pole was kinda watch people watching a ball game (not watching the game). As I was the designated driver, I was the one to drive everyone home in a rented van. I didn't get home until 5am. It wasn't a great time.
Cheshire Cat Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 kissing somone of the opposite sex (not just a peck) cheating (sometimes, even just a peck would be enough) having sexual contact that doesn't involve intercourse cheating having sexual contact that does involve intercourse cheating making verbal or written sexual comments to another not cheating but it could be enough to provoke a huge argument and perhaps breaking up. If you are clearly joking and the comment is intended as, and perceived as, 100% innocent it's different. talking to someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months) perhaps not cheating but still wrong, wrong, wrong having phone sex with another cheating having cyber sex with someone else cheating viewing someone's web cam pics it depends on the pics, on the person, on the intention, on the circumstances confessing feelings of interest/love/lust to another and not telling you he or she feels this way cheating going to strip clubs cheating sharing personal details with someone of the opposite sex that are not shared with their own SO. It depends on what you mean by "personal" and on the circumstances. Here on LS people share personal details with strangers all the time (some of whom are of the opposite sex). spending the night at an ex's house and not telling you enough to break up with them. ------------------------------------------------------------ add "UNLESS your partner is okay with you doing it" to all of the above.
mental_traveller Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Cheating is getting physically/romantically involved with someone else other than their partner, without their consent. The rest may be grounds for a breakup, but it isn't necessarily cheating. To cheat requires i) a prior agreement (monogamy, in this case), and ii) breaking that agreement. Murdering a child is horrible, and grounds for divorce, but it isn't cheating, is it? Neither is going to a strip club (you could be an employee or entertaining clients for business reasons, for example), neither is sleeping over at an ex's house (could have had a car accident), neither is having an opposite friend who you confide problems to (nothing wrong with a genuine friendship), neither is seeing someone on a webcam (oh yeah, *looking* at a headshot of a person - how evil!). Quite frankly there are some ludicrously repressive responses on here. The only person who will qualify under your rules would be the Pope or Mother Theresa, and neither of them are going to get it on with you!
lighthouse Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 OP - What some consider cheating others don't. What matters is what matters to you. For example, my ex and I were together for 6 years. I love him dearly and he is very close to me and my family (and, stupid as it sounds to some people, we share custody of the dog). I couldn't be with another person who did not understand that. Personally, I think strip clubs are stupid, gross, yet strangely entertaining. So I personally wouldn't consider that cheating. However, as Rooster (who I agree with so often ) says if this person is going everyday then I would consider it a problem because, in my experience, someone who goes to strip clubs/peep shows/whatever on a "regular basis" has some sexual issues that I personally would not be OK with. A bachelor's party - have a great time, just remember who you are coming home to and what you should not be bringing home to me (STDs). I disagree with Moose (as I normally do ) that thinking about someone else in "those" terms is a form of infidelity because seeing a cute guy/girl and thinking about them and then coming home to your SO can be pretty cool. For example, I can see other dogs and think they are cute but I don't want to take them home with me - plus there wouldn't be room in my bed with me, my sweet rottie and another dog. However, I agree with Moose (and this is shocking ) that just talking with someone of the other sex is cheating. I talk with my gynecologist (and he does far more sexually with me than I am cool with - not creepy stuff, just normally doctor stuff) than I like and I am sure it is more than most men want to hear about but it is a neccesary evil. If they are talking to someone at work about a big project that they are working on together then OK. If they are planning a birthday party for you then OK. If they are talking about how often the other one wears underwear and what kind then, as Rooster said, Houston we have a problem. It depends on the person and every person is different and has a different set of morals/values. Not all bad, not all good, but all different. It just depends what is good/right/OK for you and your SO. LH
Mz. Pixie Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 All of it except the strip club part. I don't have a problem with my s/o going to one for a bachelor party- but I don't think he's been to one in 20 years. The issue would be the lying about it- getting lap dances- and doing it alot. Every 5-10 years shouldn't be a problem.
catgirl1927 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I think a relationship where you feel the need to "get away" with something is probably pretty unhealthy. Why do so many people feel this need to go outside their relationship for sex? I was not aware this was so widespread.
superconductor Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Why do so many people feel this need to go outside their relationship for sex? Because once the relationship is established and neither partner feels the need to try anymore, sex diminishes or disappears entirely. There are countless threads on here about women who, once married, decide that sex isn't important anymore. The reasons vary, but inevitably it boils down to the relationship getting in a rut.
catgirl1927 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Because once the relationship is established and neither partner feels the need to try anymore, sex diminishes or disappears entirely. There are countless threads on here about women who, once married, decide that sex isn't important anymore. The reasons vary, but inevitably it boils down to the relationship getting in a rut. True, but those people should work on the relationship, not go outside. And I'm saying that the WOMEN should also work on the relationship. I maintain now and forever that WAY too many women marry too young and just marry for money. Then they have no interest in their husbands as anything more than an ATM and he's left with nothing. In those cases, the man should leave. I know kids makes it hard, but I really believe that unhappy parents make for unhappy kids. Not all divorce is for selfish reasons, and I believe that for all time a wife refusing to have sex with her husband is grounds for divorce. Frankly, those women who refuse to have sex must not know what they are missing. Sex with the man you love more than anyone else in the world is FANTASTIC. Really it is. And having it be something exclusive that you only do together makes it even more special and romantic. I think so many men really really want that, and these women are just being stubborn. But everyone has a right to be happy and satisfied. "Pay my bills and leave me alone" is BS. Everyone gets tired or feels icky sometimes but if someone says I only want sex once a month? That's just nuts. I don't think any person should be with someone who thinks being intimate is a chore. That's so screwed up.
superconductor Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 True, but those people should work on the relationship, not go outside. And I'm saying that the WOMEN should also work on the relationship. I maintain now and forever that WAY too many women marry too young and just marry for money. Then they have no interest in their husbands as anything more than an ATM and he's left with nothing. In those cases, the man should leave. I know kids makes it hard, but I really believe that unhappy parents make for unhappy kids. Not all divorce is for selfish reasons, and I believe that for all time a wife refusing to have sex with her husband is grounds for divorce. Frankly, those women who refuse to have sex must not know what they are missing. Sex with the man you love more than anyone else in the world is FANTASTIC. Really it is. And having it be something exclusive that you only do together makes it even more special and romantic. I think so many men really really want that, and these women are just being stubborn. But everyone has a right to be happy and satisfied. "Pay my bills and leave me alone" is BS. Everyone gets tired or feels icky sometimes but if someone says I only want sex once a month? That's just nuts. I don't think any person should be with someone who thinks being intimate is a chore. That's so screwed up. I couldn't agree more.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I couldn't agree more. Me either. The main issue is that both parties build up resentment towards each other and are at a crossroads. She won't meet his sexual needs so he doesn't meet her emotional. This only keeps them locked in a battle. I advocate a decision to start completely over- start dating each other again. At some point, someone has to try to be the hero of the relationship and put their selfishness to the side. I'm not saying that always has to be the man, because sometimes it's the woman causing the issues as well. I didn't have a good relationship with my first husband and he treated me like a sex object. Now with my second husband, I chase him around more than he does me! Because he can bring me to orgasm better than anyone I've ever been with. I even have sex with him when I've been mad before we've made up- because I just can't deny my body right now for some reason!
silktricks Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Which of these activities would you consider cheating if your SO engaged in: kissing somone of the opposite sex (not just a peck) having sexual contact that doesn't involve intercourse having sexual contact that does involve intercourse making verbal or written sexual comments to another talking to someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months) having phone sex with another having cyber sex with someone else viewing someone's web cam pics confessing feelings of interest/love/lust to another and not telling you he or she feels this way going to strip clubs sharing personal details with someone of the opposite sex that are not shared with their own SO. spending the night at an ex's house and not telling you others? For me, all of the above would be cheating EXCEPT for 1. viewing someone's web cam pics (unless they knew each other, and it was supposed to be a turn-on for them.) 2. going to strip clubs and I would change this one: talking to someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months) to communicating with someone of the opposite sex for an extended period of time without your knowledge (several days/weeks/months) as e-mail, messaging, etc I also would consider to be cheating. Though I understand some people's comments here regarding what is and isn't cheating, but IMO, talking/communicating can be cheating. The key is whether it's with or without the knowledge (and acquiesence) of your partner. Subject matter can, of course, affect the level of "cheating" as well, as can the circumstances. For example, my husband and I "talk" to people every single day about all kinds of things. We don't run home and itemize everyone we spoke to. However, if I would get into deep conversations with a man at work on a daily basis, that would definitely be something my husband would want to be made aware of. If I didn't discuss the situation with my husband, then I would be cheating on him emotionally. (He has a little different situation due to his occupation, but the essence is the same.)
Rooster_DAR Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 Well stated, and I agree with this as well.
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