leftone Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 yeah for sure. i do that too when i get a txt..thinkin, is this her...or i constantly look at my phone...thinkin, did i not hear a text or a call. well i heard from her....when i cut her off i told her i'm gone cause i just can't believe what she says when what she does is something totally opposite...saying there's nothing goin on anymore between the two of em but yet she's always with him. she msged me today saying that she hasn't tried to contact me cause she didn't know what to say or how to respond. she says she doesn't want me to say goodbye but saying that i'll believe what i believe so what can she do. then she goes and says that she doesn't initiate anything with him...like she doesn't call him to go out and kick it....its always him (like that really makes a difference) and that she won't refuse him if she has time. so wutever....i didn't respond. i stared at her message for sooo long....wanting to say something but what am i really gonna say. so i left it. if she really wanted to be with me....she'd put in way more effort right? i dunno, i guess just wanted to get this out my system, cause i want to msg her back, i really do. argh...
Author joriel Posted September 23, 2006 Author Posted September 23, 2006 as much as all of this sucks right now, leftone, its reassuring to know that we're not alone. i totally feel your pain. she called about an hour ago and left a voicemail asking how i'm doing, etc. i just kept replaying it, and then finally deleted it. i wanted to call her back and yet i want her to understand that i will never play second fiddle to anyone. period. My only question is, should I have told her that I was going NC before I did it? I'm assuming that eventually she'll figure it out, after all, she is certainly no dummy. But then again (while I know I owe her nothing) I feel like I should tell her that right now I need to look after me and let her do whatever it is that she felt was so much more important.... And yet, I WILL NOT BREAK NC. What do you guys think, should I have told her about NC or am I fine just doing it?
D-Lish Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 don't tell her - just do it. It's the only way.
leftone Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 nah...no point in telling her..actions speak louder then words anyway. so just stick to it and she'll get the point. like you, i got a call from her. ignored it....she called again...ignored it....wanted to answer but i know that whatever comes out her mouth right now is just garbage. like i said...actions speak louder than words...so if they really wanna work it out...they'd put in a whole lotta effort. what we do in our greatest trial will prove to be our greatest triumph. so sticking to this will only be good for us in the long run. yeah i miss her and i'm sure you miss her too but its all good to miss em....just know and believe that we can live without em.
Author joriel Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 So last night I hung out with some of our mutual friends and it was good to just get out and have some fun without thinking about everything that's been going on. I chose not to bring up the break-up but sometimes word travels quickly and so they already knew and wanted to know what happened. Before saying anything I asked, "What do you already know?" One responded by saying that when asked where I was the other night (post the packing up and leaving) she said, "We're not on the best of terms right now." It turns out that that was the night that she called me. The next day when someone asked the question she said, "I was an a** to him and now he's not answering the phone." I don't get it. Why be so vague about everything? Why not just say, "we broke up"? Why make it sound like we had an argument but it's no big deal? Was I wrong to tell my friends that we had in fact broken up? I made it a point to say only positive things about my ex and explain the break-up as her needing to take some time to figure out herself and life in general (ok, maybe not so positive but I didn't want to get specific). You guys were right though, there was no need for me to tell her that I wanted NC, just doing it was enough.
tanbark813 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Why be so vague about everything? Why not just say, "we broke up"? Why make it sound like we had an argument but it's no big deal? Because she's hoping you'll call her crying and beg for her back. Was I wrong to tell my friends that we had in fact broken up? No. It was probably a good thing as it's likely to get back to your ex that you said that and it will make it sink in more for her.
Author joriel Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 Because she's hoping you'll call her crying and beg for her back. Ya know, as much as I want to know what she's been up to, how she's handling things, if she has thought about me, etc. I don't really have the urge to call. I have the urge to text (because it's simple and impersonal) but not to call. It's only been 4 days of NC and I'm sure that will change but, for now, I'm just wondering if she's wondering about me...or if she ever will...
Author joriel Posted September 25, 2006 Author Posted September 25, 2006 I'm posting here so that I don't email/text her to see how she's doing. It's just that I keep rereading part of her explanation to me and I just don't know what to think of this part: "The thing with you and I is that I think we’re both too satisfied with the status quo. I know that personally, I need a kick in the butt sometimes to go out and do something. Maybe my conclusion will be that I need to develop that drive within myself regardless of whom I’m with. How hard do you think that we have to work to make it work? Where’s the limit? Do you think that we can work our way out of a rut without falling back in? Do you think that we are soul mates? Remember when I asked you about X? Although your answer was nice and accommodating, I think that I would have preferred it if you would have proposed a compromise, asking me to stay in town for a couple of more years then maybe applying to work in X." What's a guy supposed to do with that? Why is she asking me questions like that when she broke up with me? Are those rhetorical questions or does she want me to finally step up, grow a pair, and tell her that she is who I want and I'm ready to be the confident and interesting guy she fell in love with who had his own plans and activities with or without her?
tanbark813 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 That kind of confirms that you're too laid back and accomodating with her. I'm not sure the reason for the questions but it sounds like she wants more drama than you're giving her. Your best bet is to keep up the NC until she says definitively that she wants to be with you (if that ever happens). Responding to her questions with direct answers will only keep yourself on her Plan B string. In fact, I'm thinking that she doesn't even really care about the answers to those questions. She just wants to make sure you're still around to be her fallback.
bella_girl Posted September 26, 2006 Posted September 26, 2006 Joriel.. you said 'why is she being so vague about it, why not just say we broke up.' Because when you tell people 'we broke up' it makes everything really real. Until that point you can sort of get away with thinking that things might be fixed, or its just a 'break' or you can work it out. Telling people makes everything more concrete. My ex took ages to tell people (months), actually I told most people, including his flatmate! I realised at one point whilst talking to his flatmate that he didn't know and i said 'you do know that X and I broke up about 4 weeks ago' and he was 'oh my god no, he never told me, that explains why you haven't called'!!! Dear me, he couldn't even tell the guy he was living with, it's called denial and it aint just a river in Eygpt. In terms of this statement: What's a guy supposed to do with that? Why is she asking me questions like that when she broke up with me? Are those rhetorical questions or does she want me to finally step up, grow a pair, and tell her that she is who I want and I'm ready to be the confident and interesting guy she fell in love with who had his own plans and activities with or without her? What do you honestly want? You sound unsure in this, if you do really want to be with her should you consider fighting for her? She's asking you questions like this because she wants to know if there is a future and if you can make it work, regardless of who broke up with who.
Author joriel Posted September 29, 2006 Author Posted September 29, 2006 So on Tuesday after 5 days of NC I cracked. A friend of mine said that my ex had tried every method of reaching me (phone, email, text, etc.) and I hadn't responded to any. I called her on my way out to play ball just to say hello. I know that I shouldn't have. When she answered, her sigh of relief was audible and I could tell that she was nervous. I kept the conversation simple and when she started talking about our relationship I brushed it off and said "no wories". The she tried to talk about it by saying that she hasn't told anyone that we broke up. I brushed that off in the same way. After our 2 minute convo I said that I had to go and hung up. Yesterday she texted me from work (which she rarely did) to say that she hasn't been in touch because she's giving me space and time, but not because she hasn't been thinking about me. Then she said that I should let her know when I'm ready. Ready for what?! I didn't ask for space or time, I just stopped talking to her. I haven't responded to the text and I doubt that I will but I don't quite understand what she's getting at. While I've gotten past the point of, "I would take her back no matter what," I'm definitely no where near the "let's be friends" stage. Besides, if we only had a good relationship then why do I want to pursue a friendship that can only be "good" and not great? Bella_Girl: I absolutely want to be with her. However, I refuse to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. As much as I love her, I know that I could never be content with being second best.
Recommended Posts