She wants "The one that got away"

[joriel]

I'll begin by saying that I've been around here for about a week now but I haven't posted yet because for me that meant admitting that my relationship was over. Just reading that sentence feels weird...

 

Compared to many on the boards, my relationship was short and sweet. It was 19 months of what I thought would be the beginning of the rest of my life (Her mom even told her that we should use her minister when we got married). When I met my ex-girlfriend she had just returned from working overseas and neither of us was looking for a serious relationship. We just started hanging out and that turned to dating and then a monogamous relationship.

 

While there were a few grumpy days (no more than 3) we never fought or argued because we're both very laid back people.

 

During her time working overseas she worked with a great guy (I've met him) that I think she always had a crush on but had never pursued anything with. To some extent I think it went both ways but he's a little higher up the food chain so it would have been frowned upon. At the beginning of July we found out that he was going to be moving to the States to work for their company but ultimately he would live in another part of the country. Sometime last year he got engaged to be married (this November).

 

To make the story short: A few months ago they both hung out and told each other that they were both happy in their respective relationships and that there was no future for them. But at the end of the day, I know that my ex is EXTREMELY competitive and the mere concept that now she can't have him is what makes her want him now.

 

Last week (they had dinner the weekend before) she broke up with me so that she could figure things out. She said that our relationship is good but she doesn't want to settle into a good relationship when she could find a great one. We had never had any problems or talked about ways to improve it. Right after she left I remembered that she had my golf clubs in her car and I called to see if she could bring them back (she was 5 min. away) and she said, "I'll make a special trip up to bring them." We live an hour apart! Friday she came up for dinner and we had a wonderful time but we didn't talk about "us". She also conveniently forgot about the golf clubs. Last night I went to her place for dinner (her invitation) and before bed I decided that we needed to talk. She had never explained herself to me and I was sick of "just waiting". When I finally got to the root of everything, it turns out that all of this is about her wanting this other guy. She didn't really have any other explanation. She still said that she was never unhappy and we were good together. When I asked if we could work things out she said, "Not right now, but maybe later." This morning I packed up all of my things from her house and left as she cried in the bathroom. I asked her about a book she borrowed (that was outside in her car) and she grabbed her keys and said, "Can I bring it to you later?"

 

When I got home I emailed her to say that I arrived safely. I just wrote "I arrived safely" in the subject line and nothing else. She responded within minutes saying that she needs to put her thoughts on paper tonight b/c I deserve a better explanation.

 

To me, all of this sounds like she doesn't know what she wants (the life she planned with me or to chase after "the one that got away"). When I start to pull away completely she tries to hold on a little but when I try to repair the damage she pulls away.

 

This is her longest relationship ever (she's 25) as she usually ends it within 3 months (or WAY sooner). The result is that she doesn't understand that EVERY relationship takes work to make it GREAT. We're both very busy (she works 10 hour days and I'm a medical student) and we never sat down to talk about what we could do to keep our relationship as fresh as it began.

 

I've decided to intiate NC because I refuse to be the one waiting for her. But at the same time, I want the door to be open so that if it happens, we can be together again. What should I do?

[superconductor]

You're doing the right thing by keeping up NC and refusing to wait.

 

If/when she decides that she's lost out on a good thing, she'll be in touch. If not, then you can both move on with your lives.

 

Regardless, NC is the way to go.

[joriel]

Thanks for your support. I wasn't in a place where I could do NC just yet last week. But now, bring it on...

 

For the sake of asking, am I incorrect in thinking that there are inconsistencies in what she's saying vs. what she's doing? When I break-up with someone I tell them why up front, get my things, give them their things, and move on. And I've definitely never ended a good relationship without a good reason. Is it odd that she doesn't even really know what she's doing (she said that she knows she can't have him but she's confused)? Am I making it up that her actions show that she gets closer when I pull away?

[swirly27]

Thanks for your support. I wasn't in a place where I could do NC just yet last week. But now, bring it on...

 

For the sake of asking, am I incorrect in thinking that there are inconsistencies in what she's saying vs. what she's doing? When I break-up with someone I tell them why up front, get my things, give them their things, and move on. And I've definitely never ended a good relationship without a good reason. Is it odd that she doesn't even really know what she's doing (she said that she knows she can't have him but she's confused)? Am I making it up that her actions show that she gets closer when I pull away?

 

Yes you are correct! She seems confused as if she really isn't sure what she wants. Its almost like she was spoiled here for awhile because she had a great thing with you but felt another pull and tug towards other sparks with him....but I bet most of the sparks was just an attraction with someone she knew or thought it wouldn't happen with. if roles were reversed and she was with him and worked with you, it might have turned out the same. She needs to grow up a little and take a good hard look at what is going on and what she wants. This other guy is engaged now for heavens sake. Thats a red flag though when someone is always looking for what could be better instead of not looking at what they actually have. She needs to realize that you are what she wants.....but be weary....you doing NC could make her want you big time more, but will it be for real or just cause she thinks you are now un-attainable??? Proceed with caution.

[quankanne]

it sounds like she's caught somewhere between not wanting to end the relationship because she wants to be with you and stringing you along. Yes, stringing you along. It's one thing to not want to end it, but a whole other to drag it out when you're pursuing someone else.

 

you're going in the right direction by going no contact, but you need to remain firm in that decision, otherwise she'll never get off the fence to decide what action she's going to take. Much better that she walks away from either relationship and meaning it, rather than hanging on to both and seeing what turns up.

 

sorry to be so negative, I don't think she's playing fair with your heart, even though she may truly care about you.

[joriel]

Without a doubt, the NC will be firm. In many ways, I was previously on uneven ground with the other guy. He was off-limits and was staying in the same town as her. On the other hand I was more than available, out of town, AND very understanding when she said that she needed some time to figure things out. So understanding, I think, that she didn't attempt to figure anything out because she knew that I was waiting for her. Now, I won't be available, he's still off-limits, he's returning overseas and then to another part of the country. So, what do you do when suddenly you wake-up and everything you wanted is gone?

 

For me, today started a brand new day. If she wants to be with me, she has to do the pursuing. Last night as I was trying to sleep I kept thinking about asking if we could just "try" to make it work. Finally I realized that I don't want to try. If/when she decides to come back, she has to know that she wants to be with me. I don't plan on going through this crap again.

[Guest]

Jorial,

 

Your thoughts are right on track. You will be faced with quite a number of sleepness nights thinking "what if I do this or say that"........keep reminding yourself that you have been willing to give 100% or more to this relationship. Any less from her is unacceptable and she is telling you that she just can't provide that to you. Not so sure what it is that you are hoping for here as I would never again be able to trust her intentions......she has told you that if not for this guy's unattainability, that you would be second best to her. I would never take someone back if they made me feel this way at any time in our relationship.

[tanbark813]

This:

 

She said that our relationship is good but she doesn't want to settle into a good relationship when she could find a great one.

 

...is f**ked up. If it were me, that would be the last thing she ever said to me.

 

It sounds like you're too laid back with her. You basically let her do what she wants and call all the shots without putting your foot down and making it known what YOU want. You also shouldn't have met up with her after she broke up with you. That kind of shows her that she still has you wrapped around her finger.

 

The reason she gets closer when you pull away is that she doesn't want to lose her backup guy, which is what you are to her. She knows it's a risk to go after this other guy so she wants to have you to fall back on if things don't work out with him. That way she'll have company until the next "great" guy comes along.

 

If I were you I'd close the book on her and move on to someone else. Even if she comes back, do you really want to spend your life as someone's Plan B?

[Moose]

Even if she comes back, do you really want to spend your life as someone's Plan B?

Right on!......

 

This is a no brainer.

 

She's going to put her thoughts on paper and hand it to you correct?

 

I would flat out tell her you've heard all you needed to hear. Stop the manipulation right here and now....

[leftone]

i know how you feel man. i'm goin through the same thing as you but in my case my ex was on the fence about me and another guy for about 5 months. in that time i had the same questions as you and it was pretty damn obvious that she was a cake eater but i was foolish and thought that she would make a decision if i waited a bit longer. i was with her for 5 years and was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. letting her go was a concept i wasn't willing to accept. like your situation, i would stay close she would push me away. i would walk away and she would say certain things that would keep me hangin on. so yes, she was stringing me along and yes she was keeping me on as a back up which was f*^%d up.

 

long story short, i initiated NC just couple days ago and convincing myself i can do this. despite my mind and my heart going in different directions. cause like tanbark said, we should never be someones plan b. good thing is, you initiated the NC and made that choice...now there's no looking back.

[joriel]

Thanks for the replies guys. If there are any women around that want to comment that would also be much appreciated.

 

Quote Tanbark:

This:

 

She said that our relationship is good but she doesn't want to settle into a good relationship when she could find a great one.

 

 

...is f**ked up. If it were me, that would be the last thing she ever said to me. "

 

It pretty much was the last thing that she said to me. After that I went to bed. I woke up around 630am gathered my stuff and was gone. She seemed surprised (dumbstruck in fact) that I was leaving because last night I told her that I didn't have req'd class until Friday afternoon and she said, "Oh cool, so you can stick around for a few days." So when I was moving around this morning, packing stuff up and getting dressed she really didn't know how to react. In fact she just sat up in the bed, dazed, like someone had thrown a brick at her.

 

You know, I don't have a clue what she intends to do with the thoughts that she writes down tonight. I honestly think that she's doing it because now she's really confused (that I'm not going to pine away for her) and has finally decided to figure herself out. I mean come on, you end a good relationship and you can't even intelligbly explain why...

 

Way to go Leftone. Take stand for yourself. I feel your pain though...

[quankanne]

she just sat up in the bed, dazed, like someone had thrown a brick at her.

 

well, YEAH – you aren't following the script of the drama she's written. You're supposed to patiently wait in the wings while she decides what the hell she wants from life. And you're supposed to be happy about the situation even though you're not her decision.

[Guest]

Jorial,

 

She certainly is not dazed yet.....don't kid yourself. She may not believe that you are leaving but deep down she knows she has you on a string.......the only way to cut that chord and make her take notice (doesnt mean that she will come back) is to move on for a long long time without any contact at this point. Are you up for that task cause this certainly is not going to play itself out in a matter of days or months.....my advice is to move on and from this day on consider yourself lucky that she showed you her true colors now. Find someone who will place you No.1 in their mind.

[tanbark813]

It pretty much was the last thing that she said to me.

 

No, I mean the last thing period. You still hung out with her Friday and last night. You should have declined and told her you were going to be busy looking for a great relationship.

[joriel]

she just sat up in the bed, dazed, like someone had thrown a brick at her.

 

well, YEAH – you aren't following the script of the drama she's written. You're supposed to patiently wait in the wings while she decides what the hell she wants from life. And you're supposed to be happy about the situation even though you're not her decision.

 

It was actually a pretty priceless moment. When she realized what was happening and that my intentions were to leave NOTHING behind I could literally feel her lose control of the situation and I could see in her face that all of sudden she truly had no idea what to do.

[joriel]

No, I mean the last thing period. You still hung out with her Friday and last night. You should have declined and told her you were going to be busy looking for a great relationship.

 

Yeah, in retrospect, you're spot on but sometimes you can't leave well enough alone. I'll be sure to save the last part though. It was a good laugh.

[swirly27]

It was actually a pretty priceless moment. When she realized what was happening and that my intentions were to leave NOTHING behind I could literally feel her lose control of the situation and I could see in her face that all of sudden she truly had no idea what to do.

 

Joriel, I am a girl, I saw that wanted girls to comment. You think this was a priceless moment just because she looked dazed??? HELL NO! Believe me, I once had a guy who would have done anything to be with me, but I wasn't stringing him along like she is to you, but I KNOW the signs and behaviors. She was hurt yes that you weren't wanting to stick around with her when she knew you had time to.....but she KNOWS she still has you because of the pure and simple fact that will still talk to her and still take her thoughts on paper and still hear what more she has to say....when she said plenty enough about you only being a 'good' relationship and she wants great!! Who says that!! How can she respect you when you won't respect yourself right now?? Believe me though, I mean no disrespect saying that to you....cause I know love makes us blind and do selfless things and stupid things, but seriously. Are you ever going to be truly happy with this woman knowing she though you all along to be 2nd best??? This wasn't a priceless moment for her, this was just the princess not getting something she wanted at that time. Maybe she is confused and doesn't truly MEAN to be doing this to you, but the fact is she is! You need to move on right now and she needs to grow up!

[shawn_68]

Ah yes, the greener pastures syndrome.

 

The truth of the matter is that YOU need to be the one that "got away" this time. I would not respond to ANY of her attempts at communication at this point. Not for a long time.

 

Let her realize the mistake that she has made. And let her live with it.

 

Move on.

[D-Lish]

Yep, from a female's perspective- she is looking to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to test the waters with someone else, but she wants you to wait around in case those waters don't suit her.

 

Apply No Contact. You have to do that. She can't even begin to miss you until you aren't available anymore.

 

DO you really want her back though? There are plenty of emotionally available and stable women out there who wouldn't play those kind of head games with you.

 

It's one thing for her to say she's unsure about the relationship- it's quite another for her to expect you to wait while she ponders her possibilities with another man. If you have the strength, you should walk away for good. If you want her back- you should apply no contact and really make her work to get you back.

 

Just keep telling yourself you deserve better!

Dee

[bella_girl]

Joriel I have experienced what you are experiencing from the other side of the fence! so to speak

 

I feel like my ex gave me no choice but to break up with him, he didn't know what he wanted and said words to this effect 'I feel like I should go out and see other women but I want you to be here when I get back.' To which my answer was NO.

 

I'm not prepared to play second best and neither should you.

 

Nothing in this life is certain and its difficult to know which relationships will be good or great but surely it has a lot to do with what you put into them. I think at some point you've just got to give it a shot and if you love the person then you've got to give it a go.

 

It seems to me that she is confused with what she wants. You've done the right thing.

 

I have been NC with my ex for about 3 months now. The final cutting of the strings came when I said I couldn't handle being friends, he was very very upset by this and I think it was the first realisation for him that I wasn't going to stick around, like you packing up your stuff.

 

I think that he still has this fantasy view that in 2 years time we'll get back together and today I was thinking what I'd say if he suddenly appeared back in my life. Basically 'its too late.'

 

It does suck completely, I'm the one that ended the relationship but I feel like i was dumped! (as I'm not good enough to make him stay and it does horrible things to your self esteem). But then I remember that I want to be with someone that wants to be with me completely and is not looking around for pastures greener. So onwards we move!

 

Sounds to me like she's an idiot... but only she can realise that.

[joriel]

So I know that it's a small thing but first I wanted to say that I've made it through my first 27 hours of NC. For me that's significant because during that period (post me packing up and leaving) she emailed twice and texted twice and I didn't respond to anything.

 

As an aside, she decided to email "her thoughts" to me and oddly enough, I feel a little better after reading them. The quick and dirty version is that she measures every relationship to her first love (what she admits may have been an infatuation of 2 mos.) who dropped her after 2 mos. (messed her up for at least 2 yrs.) to return to his previous partner and never really stayed in contact (won't reply to "how are you" emails, etc.). So for her what she feels with this other guy is the same infatuation she had with her first. And since she can't have either, it makes her measure everything else against that giddy feeling you find with new love.

 

She admits that she thinks she's comparing infatuation with something real and that she's worried she's making the wrong decision. She asks questions about what I thought it would take for us to make our relationship great. Finally she made a good point about me being to easy going and not making enough hardnosed decisions. This part was helpful to me because I know that I am often too agreeable. In fact, last month when she mentioned that she might have a better job op in another part of the country I said, hey, I'm only here until I finish med school. We can work it out long distance. She wanted me to fight for her and ask her to stay until graduation and then maybe move there. That's what I wanted the whole time but I didn't want to squash her excitement...

 

Sometimes, I need to grow a pair...

 

The last thing I'll say is that she wants someone who will make her want to be a better person. But, I'm the one who told her that we would make it work financially if she quit her job to enter the graduate program that she's always wanted to be in. I'm the one who said that eventhough her parents weren't so supportive of this idea that she had to be happy in her career and that I would do absolutley anything to make that a reality. I'm the one that knew I would bear the financial burden of our debt.

 

In any case, I'm sticking with NC. What pushed her away from her last 2 relationships was that they pushed and begged for her to reconsider. What she pines for about her first love is any sort of contact. NC all the way for this guy...

 

Thanks again for all your support ladies and gents...

[swirly27]

It just sounds like she is always going to want what she can't have....and since she CAN have you, she will never fully want you. She needs to grow up. Her first love only lasted 2 months? And that is what she is comparing everything to? That is BS - that is a first lust! She is going to be kicking herself big time when she loses you!!

[moman]

If it makes you feel any better, a similar situation happened to me last summer. The girl I had been dating for 18 months suddenly decided to leave on a whim. Things weren't great between us, but we had chatted and hadn't seen each other for 9 days and I was beginning to miss her. We agreed to meet up on a Thursday night for dinner in a town between where we lived and as I prepared to leave, she told me to come bring her stuff because we were done.

 

Although I had been thinking about breaking it off with her, it hurt pretty bad. I figured she would come back after a couple weeks (a similar thing had happened a couple months earlier) but as the weeks dragged on, she kept calling 2-3x a week and saying hello. She finally stopped saying that she loved me and I remember my heart sinking to the bottom of my stomach. After two months I almost had a nervous breakdown and asked her to reconsider to which she replied she was dating a wonderful guy who treated her nice. Talk about sticking a knife in my heart and spinning it around!! I took a nice 2-week vacation to get away and think. She continued to call me 1-2x a week and find out what I was doing, asking if I was dating, etc. I could sense her breaking down a bit and after two more months she called and told me that she missed me, she loved me, etc and wanted me to take her back. Well, I'm not a fool and by then I was healing up pretty good. I told her no way, no how, good luck, and never bother me again. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to a person.

 

In restrospect I know I did the right thing. Stick to your guns and you will too. Good luck.

[leftone]

keep up with the NC. its damn tough but its most definitely the best thing. my NC has only been 4 days now and its been a challenge. fighting urges, wondering about her, thinking about her, missing her. she hasn't tried to contact me and i know its a good thing cause she's respecting my decision. but at the same time, it hurts because she isn't trying. i know its just my expectation that she would try but have to let that go. its one of those days for me.

 

for real though, life goes on. waiting for someone who says they love you but needs to make sure, is not worth it. i hope i get over this soon cuz its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. but being on here and reading all these posts makes me feel a bit better.

 

you seem to know what you have to do and you're doing it. keep on keepin on.

[joriel]

she hasn't tried to contact me and i know its a good thing cause she's respecting my decision. but at the same time, it hurts because she isn't trying.

 

I can definitely see where you're coming from...Today as I was driving I got a text message and for a brief moment (before looking at it) I hoped that it was from her. After looking at the message (it wasn't from her) I felt a rush of relief because I didn't have to force myself not to reply. Weird, eh? For me, her not texting reduces some of the temptation to contact her. On the other hand, I know that in a few days I may be right where you are, hurting because she's not trying...