Jaded-Arie Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I have found my answer to all my problems. I finally know why I f-word up, everything in my life. Why I have changed jobs 4 times in the last year alone. Why I have moved across 2 continents, IN THE LAST year. Why I have f-word up personal relationships (not only romantic). Why I am always restless, wanting to be somewhere else. Why I am always wanting to burst outside of myself. Why I haven't liked being me, even though I am young, educated and intelligent. Yep, meet me, I am Jade and I am an Alcoholic. This is the most personal thing I have ever written here and probably the most honest that I have ever been. I broke down 6 weeks and some ago, I was sobbing like a baby, and it had nothing to do with an ex but all to do with me. Mind you, I should have been happy, I was just promoted a week before my breakdown. Have bought my first home, and was getting a brand new Company car. I have no idea how I got promoted, I have, at times showed up at work, kinda plastered from a very late night before. Well, maybe I am lucky, I work in a Creative Enviroment, maybe the drinks made me more creative . You see, when I look at it, I was born an alcoholic waiting to happen. I have always been a perfectionist, I think I was born like that. I have never been able to deal with emotions, they have always scared me ****less. And, I have never done reality either, I have kind of always lived in my head, thus the excellence in the creative field, I suppose. I have always won a mask, representative of being all together. I have always prided myself on being a take charge, make it happen, little Miss Fixit. But a little secret that no one knows is that, I have been working on Vodka and Lime for the last 12 years of my 30 yr old life, just like a car works on gas. All my firsts, involved alcohol. I finished HS at 16. Got my degree in Marketing and Advertising at 20. When I think of it, I was already an alcoholic then. I wrote 5 of my 8 Exams plastered. I joined the workforce being lucky enough, right after I graduated. Lost my first job at 21, after 3 warnings, for 'Unbecoming Behaviour' on the job. Yep, I have had so many lucky breaks, they never put, on my references, 'drunk on the job countless times'. And I was given a choice to resign. In the midst of that, I hooked up with a Belgian dude, moved from London to Belgium. F-word that up, and thought: France seems cool. I need a change of enviroment. I waited tables in Paris, hooked up with a Parisian, no prizes for guesses on what happened there. Funny thing is, to me, everyone was an arseholes. The arseholes that fired me when I was doing an effing good job, well, what I drink all night till early hours of the morning, was my business. The arseholes who broke up with me, so I was crazy and unpredictable, but isn't that hot???? Sons of bytches, I thought, then. Of course, the very glaring RED SIGN didn't faze me, that I was the common denominator. Fast forward to October 2005, I am in Paris, working for a real cool advertising company, having had the job of my dreams, what I had strived for since I was little, handed to me on a plate, probably God was still being patient with me, saying: Jade, you are worth it, put down the Vodka and get on with it. Was I listening, No. 6 months later, FIRED!!!! So, there I was in Paris, with the shady Nigerian cum Parisian dude. Of course, I was not about to take responsibility for my plight. So, I packed up my bags, muttering, "**** Paris, in fact, **** Europe, I don't this ****tt!!" and headed for Africa, Nigeria, Shady Nigerian/Parisian dude in tow. A week later, I meet my now ex. And we get on, I ditch Nig/Parisian dude. I fell for him like a ton of bricks, was/am very inlove with him. He is the first BF ever to tell me I was drinking too much. I loved him, but I loved my alcohol more, an finally he couldn't take it, so poof! I am not speaking to my cousin because I forgot to show up, as Matron of Honour, to her wedding, because some mates and I had gone OUT OF TOWN, NIGHT BEFORE WEDDING, because we thought it would be way cooler to drink out of town. Does that make sense, it really doesn't to me from where I am sitting now. My parents, even though I know they love me, but they do not like me. I made a huge (drunken) scene at my eldest sister's wedding, I kinda thought it was soooooooooo funny to 'Object' when the minister said so. I could go on and on.... I bought a car in March this year and have crashed it 3 times. My insurance premiums are now sky high... I don't have kids and would like to one day, but am scared that maybe my insides are not capable anymore. I spent a weekend in jail for a DUI after my last accident, 6 August. I had to sell my furniture to get bail money. My case is still pending. I just couldn't do it anymore. Not because of the finances and the jail inconveniences . I was just so tired. Tired of living my life on fast forward with the rewind button not functioning so I can see what I did the night/day/morning before But I finally got it, I cannot handle alcohol because alcohol flipped the script on me a long time ago, it started handling me. Some people live and drink, I (have been) drinking to live. I decided to stop drinking, cold turkey, who the **** was I kidding???? I decided to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have been sober now for 26 days. To a normal person, that's nothing, but to me, it is the greatest achievement, considering that the most longest time I have been sober in the last 12 yrs was give or take 4 days. And I was not always drunk, but, I always had alcohol in my system. I just wanted to write that, my story, just to maybe also reinforce it to myself.
loveinlife Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Good job woman, Looks like you have made a pretty big and positive improvement. Good luck to you!
Recommended Posts