Is snooping ever allowed?

[FolderWife]

I just read a thread that reminded me of this:

 

This is a story of one of the many boyfriends that dumped me for their ex.

 

I worked with this guy that I became interested in. He was single. He and I started to like each other, and of course she came back in his life. So he and I cooled it and were friends. Months later, she cheated on him (for like the tenth time) and he dumped her "for good".

 

We started going out, and since we were already friends, things heated up fast. He pushed it though; he introduced me to his parents, his friends, his sister...pretty much anyone that cared an ounce about him...he even asked me to go out of state with his family to visit MORE family.

 

I didn't even tell my family about him...I was uneasy about his relationship with his ex.

 

One night, I was feeling insecure, and I asked him what the password to his voice mail was. He flat out told me what it was. I took that as his way of saying that I could trust him, and if I ever doubted him, I could check on him.

 

So I didn't use it...but I didn't forget it either.

 

He was out of town one weekend (in the same town as the on again off again ex) and was supposed to come home and take me out for a few hours. At 7p.m. I hadn't heard from him all day...which was rare...he usually called me when he got up, when he got out of the shower, when he got in his car, when he got out of his car, when he paid for lunch, when he got back home (you get the picture...he called me every thirty minutes).

 

So I checked my messages, and saw that he had left me a funny sounding message that went something like, "Hey, Baby, I am on my way home, it's about 7 o'clock, and I'm going to turn my cell phone off, because I don't feel good. I will call you when I get back home."

 

He had left the message one minute before, so I called him right back. He sounded funny, and said that he would see me around 9 or 10. I said, "why would it take you three hours to make a two hour trip?" He said, "Because I'm going to stop and eat on the way. There's this new Chinese Resteraunt that I want to try." I said, "Oh, who are you going with?" He said, "No one, I just want to try it."

 

BOOM! I knew he was lying. I got off the phone with him, and called his voice mail immediatly.

 

The very first voice mail I heard was from his Ex. "Hey, it's me, you said you might want to meet up later before you go home, and I know a resteraunt that's on the way. It's a new Chinese place that just opened up in *town* and if you are really headed home at 7, we would probably be there around 8, and I think they close at 9, so I'll have to call and see what time they close. Call me when you leave! Bye~"

 

I hung up the phone, and felt sick. I got in my car and drove straight to the resteraunt, which was an hour away, saw both of their cars in the parking lot, and when I walked inside, there they were sitting together. I walked right up to them and told him he'd left his lights on on his car.

 

When he went outside to turn them off, I confronted him, and he told me to go home, he would deal with me later.

 

I was so mad. How dare he tell me to go home.

 

Later, he told me that I was a Psycho for going to a resteraunt where he was going to be. He swore that he was going to tell me that he met her, but he wanted to do it face to face, because he knew how upset I'd be, and "He wanted to hold me while I cried".

 

I know he would've let me go on believing that he went to eat alone. That's why I went all the way to that resteraunt, so I could look him in the eye, and let him know that he couldn't lie his way out of it.

 

Needless to say, we fought for a week, before he finally dumped me, and two days later he was back in bed with her.

 

Our fight was me being furious that he lied to me and basically cheated on me, and he was mad that I invaded his privacy.

 

I told him that I thought he gave me his password to prove I could trust him, but he said after the fact that he gave me his password because he trusted me not to use it....? He said that he was very private, and what I did was unexcusable. I said that if checking his voice mail was unforgivable, then he should've informed me of that when he gave it to me...right??

 

So...is snooping ever ok? What do you think? I think he got mad that I caught him. If I had snooped and found out he was being truthful, then he wouldn't have gotten mad.

 

Sometimes, I think that his lie was so bad, that he set me up! He told me exactly where he was going to eat "alone". He knew I had his voice mail password, yet he didn't delete his voice mail from her.

 

And he begged for my forgiveness all the way home. It wasn't until the next day that he decided to be mad at me.

 

Yet after all his holy "thou shalt not invade my privacy" he checked MY voice mail, and deleted all of my saved voice mails from him!!!

 

So he invaded mine...but I didn't care........

[gemmab2020]

ofcourse he's pissed off at you for snooping, you caught hime doing something he shouldn't have been!!! He wouldn't have been annoyed with you if he had nothing to hide in the first place!!!!

[rina_r]

If he behaved, there would be no reason for you to snoop. Intuition, baby!

[electric_sheep]

I've snooped on my girlfriend before, and the results were pretty much the same ... I caught her doing something she shouldn't have been doing.

 

Snooping is what happens when there is little or no trust. First thing to do is ask yourself why there is so little trust. Is there a good reason for it ? If so, snooping could perhaps be more accurately called "investigation". I only call it "snooping" if there is no plausible reason for it.

 

Either way, when the trust in a relationship has been so damaged that you are snooping on your SO, it's a really bad sign. Is there any way to repair that trust ?

 

Trust is one of the most important things to have in a relationship.

[lovelorcet]

Here is my take on it...

 

Snooping is bad if you do it without any reason but if you have got a gut feeling that something is up then I think it is only a way of protecting yourself.

[Guest]

You did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. He gave you the password so what kind of dick is he? I have to admit, he's not the sharpest tool in the draw because he gave you all the informtion for you to catch him redhanded pronto. And it's a good thing you did. As far as all that "holey than thow" talk he gave you - blah blah blah, tell someone who'll buy it! He's just trying anything he can to throw some blame on you because he screwed up BIG time and he knows it. Going back to his ex, well OK. But he should've broke it off with you first. And as far as the snooping is concerned - the idiot gave you the PERMISSION to do so, so he has no one to blame but his BIG DUMB SELF!!! Best of luck to you - find a man worth having. Especially look for one with an IQ of more than .4 !!! :-))))