So glad I decided to end my affair...

[Autumns Genevieve]

..so now I can stress over my f**king husband's crap.

 

Is there a huge hole I can just hide in? Please?

 

I'd been feeling so good about my decision to leave my affair behind. I was looking at my H with completely new eyes, feeling things I hadn't felt for him in years. And now - now everything's screwed.

 

My semi-workaholic husband comes home just as I'm finishing up spray painting two dead young trees for Halloween decorations for the entryway (don't ask) and I notice that his company vehicle is not staying with him - it's going with his carpool buddy. I ask, why, since he always keeps his vehicle with him, and picks everyone else up for the 'pool. He tells me, "Oh, I decided to take two days of vacation for the rest of week."

 

Really. This man who never, ever takes a day off for anything. Suddenly decides he is going to take two days off. I feel of his forehead for fever - I can't help it. It's just so out of the ordinary. He swears he's not sick, just has a headache, and goes about his normal stuff. Helps me move the trees in their buckets of concrete, helps me clear the walkway. The whole time, my mind is turning things over. We come in the house, and it hits me, just as he takes a phone call on his cell, and leave the house to talk. I watch him through the front door glass, as he goes back into the garage and fiddles with the bikes hanging up. I know he doesn't want me to hear his conversation.

 

He comes back in, and I ask, point blank. "What happened?" After a full ten minutes of, "nothing," "don't worry about it," etc., I finally get him talking. He takes me in the bedroom and tells me to shut the door. Then he starts explaining, as I am prying the truth out of him because he won't just offer it

up.

 

He got two days off - without pay - for "frequenting" adult sites online, at work. Apparently, the big guys from Houston came all the way up here, to his office, and talked to him about it. At first, he tried to lie to me. Telling me he was looking at joke sites. I knew that was BS. So I pried a little harder. Oh, come to find out, they were porn sites. He's been looking at porn, at work, on company computers. KNOWING THEY MONITOR SITES.

 

Then he tells me, "This has nothing to do with you, I swear." Knowing his history with the girl, and all of their little trysts at work (I swear, the workplace is like spanish fly for him) I ask him, again, point blank. "Were you having online sex at work with someone?" He swears, no, he wasn't. It was just looking at nude photos, photos of people having sex. Porn.

 

I cannot even begin to explain what this is doing to me. You know, I don't really care about the porn. I've never been threatened by my husband looking at porn. It think it's pretty pedestrian myself, but whatever. This has been a constant stream in our life - this thing with porn. He gets "sex" videos on his phone from his buddies, he used to have an expansive collection of porn tapes, which I asked him to get rid of once our children were old enough to comprehend the cover and titles. It's never been a real issue with us, as a couple.

 

No. MY problem is the risking his f**king career - our livelihood - over something so stupid. He KNOWS they monitor internet activity at his workplace. Another guy got busted for being on homosexual sites. H told me about it. I homeschool our children, and I don't work. I'm a writer, but so far, I haven't had much luck publishing anything, partly because I am busy being a homemaker and schooling our children. We can't afford for him to be out of work, especially over something so stupid. We would lose everything, including our dream house, which we just bought this summer.

 

He already had to leave an excellent job since we've been married, because he was screwing his assistant. He left behind his retirement, his experience, the whole deal. We lost a ton of money when it happened, and we basically had to start all over, financially. It was hard, unbelievably hard. He was LUCKY to find this job, which is not in his field, and was able to secure it at the same salary he left his other job.

 

At this company, suspending without pay is the step before firing. I am scared to death. Absolutely terrified. He tells me, oh, not to worry. They are doing a company crackdown and they assured me, when I go back on Monday, everything will be normal again. I ask, is he the only one suspended? He says he doesn't know, but the security person told him that he wasn't - company wide. He also says that no one will ever know except for his immediate supervisor and the Houston people, and then, in the next breath, he tells me they are going to have a office meeting on Friday to tell everyone not to be on porn sites or downloading, and he, H, is being made an example of. WTF? Uh...BS. That is a total contradiction, and I told him so. He just shrugs.

 

He's gotten great reviews for his job performance. But I am finding the story just not quite believable. I worry that the truth of the matter is, he got caught screwing one of these girls, while at work. I can see suspending someone for two days over that. Coming all the way from Houston to tell him he's suspended for being on porn online sites? I find that very, very ...unlikely.

 

But he swears, and I feel like I owe it to him to take his word. He's very upset, embarassed, and everything I said to him, which wasn't condescending or motherly or nagging, he replied, "Dont you think I've already thought of that?" Like, don't you know I tell myself that already?

 

I feel like I'm falling on a double edged sword. I'm worried about our life, our finances, and worried that I should go back to work, just in case. But that's a huge disruption in our children's lives, and if it's not totally necessary, I won't do it. On the other hand, I'm worried that he is going to f**k this job up, too, and we will be back where we were - which I am filing for divorce if it happens again, and he knows it. I can't start over again, and again, and again. This part has nothing to do with the porn or the infedelity. It has everything to do with raising our children decently and providing and being responsible. I can't afford to be in denial about my H, but I also can't afford to make rash judgements, either.

 

Also, I feel like now I have to wonder, is he screwing around? Who is he talking to online? Is it her again? Is it someone else? Does he have someone at work, in the flesh? This whole crap about people coming from Houston - all the way from down south, up to where we are in the North - just to talk to him about porn sites online, I don't buy it. Not really. I guess it could happen, but I just feel like it's crap. There's more to it.

 

I'm just ...freaking out. I'm so glad that I now have no one to talk to about personal matters, just when I need someone. I'm not tempted to go back to B, but I feel like I am compeletely alone. Totally and utterly alone.

[BenThereDunThat]

Hi AG - I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to say that I feel for you and that you're not alone. At least not here.

 

Is there anyone he works with, their spouse, or someone you could get the real scoop from?

 

I'm with you, I can't believe he would be stupid enough to look at that stuff at work! Lots of people do it though, and it always amazes me.

 

I wonder when he was looking at it? Even the folks at my office that aren't in cubicles, unless your door is closed and locked, someone is always walking by, stopping in, etc.

[Guest]

Hi AG. I just wanted to tell you to stay the course. This latest work issue with your H will hopefully end up making the two of you stronger.

 

In regards to the issue of your H getting the 2 day suspension for visiting porn sites, it does happen from just that. One of my best friends got fired from his job because of their company policy. Actually, it was pretty unfortunate because his company did a random audit and found photos on his hard drive. They were of an ex-girlfriend of his-- when they were dating, she had sent him some photos of herself partially clothed. Anyway, when he was confronted on this by his boss, he explained the situation. But the company line was "yes, we understand; however, if we make an exception for you then we have to for other people", and they weren't going to give way. So for my friend's situation, it wasn't even his surfing porn sites or anything. It was all very unfortunate.

 

Another friend of mine works in IT at his company. They also have a zero tolerance policy. He told me that one of their VP's had problems with computer and when they were going through it to find out what was the problem, they found a lot of xxx images and stuff. They VP was fired immediately.

 

So, yes, that was a very stupid thing for him to do. Most companies out there monitor their computers, and he should realize that he has greater responsibilities (children and you) and needs to act in such a way that's fitting. Try to be as supportive as possible with the situation. I'd lean towards trusting him; and given your ultimatum, hopefully he'll clean up his act.

[serial muse]

hi AG. i've read your whole story, and it's a lot to comment on at once, but i just wanted to raise this point. there's a lot of anger in your post about your husband, and while i get that he ****ed up and lied to you, you also ****ed up and lied to him. so, the pain is understandable, and the worry about job security, but it's the anger i'm not clear on. it seems like a little patience with him is called for - it's unclear, from your posts, how your ongoing infidelity has affected your relationship with your husband all these years. i know he cheated first, but at this moment, nobody is blameless, so throwing blame and anger around isn't going to help anything. you don't want him pointing angry fingers at you, either, right?

 

i know you've been angry at your MM, from your other post. is it possible you're taking your frustration and anger with that situation and applying it to this one? it seems like, for 8 years or so now, you and your husband have been deceitful with each other and kind of taking potshots at each other behind each others' back. have you been to MC? i would at least suggest IC for you to help you deal with what you're going through with your breakup with the MM, and to try not to let that infect your efforts to rebuild your relationship with your husband. i suspect that, if you don't try to pull back and rein those things in, the whole turmoil of emotions you're going through right now could all blow up, and it's going to be important to be able to keep the various frustrations separate.

[whichwayisup]

Get him some professional help. He obviously has a problem seeing as he still does this at work knowing that the company monitors what goes on.

 

Also, I feel like now I have to wonder, is he screwing around? Who is he talking to online? Is it her again? Is it someone else? Does he have someone at work, in the flesh? This whole crap about people coming from Houston - all the way from down south, up to where we are in the North - just to talk to him about porn sites online, I don't buy it. Not really. I guess it could happen, but I just feel like it's crap. There's more to it.

 

Just because you cheated, doesn't mean he is now. Could be a reflection of your own guilt??

 

Have you given some thought into marriage counselling? Maybe confessing your affair to him? Two wrongs do not make a right, you chose to have an affair and he's been choosing to surf porn, adult sites etc., and combine the two together, = big problems.

[Makeitstop]

Those in glass houses should not throw stones. All you do is hurt yourself. The situation requires a bit of finesse.

[whichwayisup]

On the other hand, I'm worried that he is going to f**k this job up, too, and we will be back where we were - which I am filing for divorce if it happens again, and he knows it.

 

Just hope that he doesn't feel this way IF he finds out about your affair. I'm sure you'd want him to give you another chance -Because of the marriage, and the kids.

 

Bottom line, you BOTH need individual counselling and marriage counselling together to work through all these issues.

[Sup]

Just hope that he doesn't feel this way IF he finds out about your affair. I'm sure you'd want him to give you another chance -Because of the marriage, and the kids.

 

Bottom line, you BOTH need individual counselling and marriage counselling together to work through all these issues.

 

I agree, By the way, who says HE doesn't know already? How would YOU know if he does or not?

[will2power]

AG, I think one of the things I read earlier on is that you were falling in love with your H again. I think that part of being in love with someone is that you hold them in really high regard. I'm sure you looked at your H and he started moving up that regard. When this situation came up, you lost a lot of respect for him. Its probably not the looking at porn part, but that he risked his livelihood for THAT.

 

I hope that you and he can work through this. I would have a really hard time with respecting any person who looks at porn at work. It doesn't matter if the co. monitors it or not, its just simply not professional.

 

Would you feel as upset if he was looking at sex sites while at home?