Love doesn't conquer all

[aikim]

My ex was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. He loved me not only with his words but with his actions. We're both from LA, but I go to school in SD which makes it harder for us to see eachother often. In the beginning he practicallybecame the 6th room mate at my apt. cuz he was there so often. He ended up dropping his classes because he was in SD so often and he spent 1000 dollars on gas in one month driving back and forth so many times. After a few months of this we decided that it would be better if we just saw eachother on the weekends so we can prioritize our lives better.

 

The transition was hard on me because I went from seeing him almost everyday to just the weekends. I thought it would be better in the Summer, but it was worse because I was taking Summer school in SD and he was taking Summer school in LA. So we would take turns seeing eachother and whenever I came to LA i would expect him to basically give me his weekends so we could take advantage of our time together. The problem was he didn't just want to spend his weekends with me. He wanted to have his freedom too and that was fine with me cuz I try and see my friends on the weekends too, but I would limit it so I could spend it with my bf.

 

Anyways, 3 weeks ago I came to LA on a thur night (I made a deal with my boss to get every other fridays off purposely to spend more time with my bf). Thurs his friends were over and on Friday he was with his friends too. Saturday was basically our only full day together and I had hoped that we were going to spend Sunday together also. He had lunch with his mom on Sunday and afterwards he hung out with his friends. I was just upset because it seemed like I was putting in so much more effort in spending time with him than he was with me. By the time we saw eachother it was 7 and I couldn't get over the fact that he spent more time with his friends than me that weekend when he could see them any time of the week.

 

When we went back to his apt, I basically gave him the silent treatment expecting him to apologize. Half an hour went by and frustration and anger was built inside me because it seemed like he didn't care. Then the next thing I did was say, "I want to break up." I guess I wanted to see if he would care and try and change my mind. But all he did was say,"what?" and for 10 min we sat in silence. Then he got up, got dressed, and drove away. I was shocked cuz I didn't expect that to happen. He was gone for 2 hrs and within those 2 hrs I had realized what I said and I didn't want to break up. But when he came back he was pissed off and lashed out at me. I told him I was just upset and it didn't seem like he cared anymore.

 

Anyways, we proceeded to talk about what happened and I told him that I put in more effort in spending time with him than he does with me. And he basically said he can't always give me his weekends because he wants to do other things. And then he proceeded to talk about what would happen once school starts. He was saying how we are going to be way more busy and we both need to prioritize our lives because in the beginning we payed the consequences for seeing too much of eachother which affected school, friends, family, etc.

 

I kept suggesting we should take a break with his reluctance. We ended up with a mutual decision on taking a break. I took my clothes, my shoes and dvds from his place and he asked for his apt key back. I really thought we would end up getting back together, but when he took his key back it hit me. When I went back to SD I realized maybe we really are over. Then the next day I called him and he told me that he didn't believe in breaks and that we shouldn't be together right now and we need to set our lives straight. It's been 3 weeks already and it's still hard for me to accept that reason for breaking up because I'm such a "go with your heart" type of person.

 

He says he still loves me, but love isn't important right now. He wants me to move on with my life, but how can I when I know he still loves me. How can he just let this go? He would always tell me that he was going to marry me and our kids would be the tightest kids. I know he's the one for me. It's been over a week since I've had any contact with him and everytime I have that urge to talk to him, I write him a letter telling him what I feel. My plan was to wait until Christmas time to give him all my letters and see if he still feels the same way. Cuz until then 3 months will have lapsed and maybe my feelings might change though I highly doubt it.

[swirly27]

When things like this happen and drastically change, ESPECIALLY with long distance involved, I wonder if either he is having doubts on this relationship OR he met someone else and is confused. You guys still seem pretty young and confusion is normal.....so stick with the NC. You definitely did seem to be putting more effort in and the one thing that sucks soooo much with these fallouts is lack of communication. If he was having doubts or what not, he should have tried talking to you about it. But, he spends 95% of the weekend with his friends when he can see them anytime...he should have talked to you about it. So now, you need to give him space and take it for yourself as well. If he ever realizes he made a mistake, he needs to realize it on his own. Good luck and throw yourself into school, work and friends!!

[aikim]

Everytime I want to call him or text him, I've been writing letters except I keep them. My plan was to give him all the letters during christmas (which was when we first got together). Do you think that's enough time? Is that a good idea?

[swirly27]

Everytime I want to call him or text him, I've been writing letters except I keep them. My plan was to give him all the letters during christmas (which was when we first got together). Do you think that's enough time? Is that a good idea?

 

Honestly, writing stuff out is a great idea and probably helps you vent and feel better. BUT....if you don't hear anything from him in the next couple months and Christmas comes, no I would not give him those letters. If you want to contact him then at Christmas and ask him how he is or what is new, but his lack of contact and interest in you will be your answer.

[superconductor]

First of all, thanks to the mod who split the post into paragraphs.

 

Now, here's a quick reality check: Love does not conquer all. Never has, never will. If you're one of those unfortunate souls who truly believes that anything can be overcome by love, well, I've got this really cool bridge in Brooklyn that needs a buyer.

 

Don't give him the letters, aikim. There's no upside to it at all. He undoubtedly knows how you feel, and while it may feel good to get the demons out on paper, it won't serve anybody well if you give the letters to him.

 

Take time to heal and move on. You'll be fine.

[joriel]

I second superconductor, don't give him the letters. I personally think that writing can be a great way for you to get your thoughts out but let it be for you to heal and not for him to hurt. I too have been writing letters post break-up. It's only been a week but I can see the difference. I was so angry at first. Now, I'm much calmer about the situation. I'm not over it, but it's getting better. Actually a couple of days ago I deleted the first letter. I don't want to hold on to that anger. I plan to continue deleting as I continue healing. If/when he comes back you want to be a healthy and happy new you not an embittered and angry old you.

 

Keep writing, but do it for yourself. Do it to get better. Do it to have a bonfire. Do it for whatever reason you want, but don't do it for him.

[re-searching]

I used to keep a journal in which I wrote my never to be sent letters. I haven't added to it in a while. It is still saved on my computer. I like to read from time to time for a reality check.

[D-Lish]

Yep, I have a bunch of "saved" letters on my drafts file in my e-mail. They range from "You're a f$^#en loser to I love you, take me back".

I finally compiled my "perfect" good-bye e-mail and sent it this morning...

Now I feel like a weak piece of crap.

 

It's only been a month since our break up and I have been strong with the NC and politeness when we did have to meet and trade our belongings.

trust me- keep the letters to yourself.

 

It's great to vent and get your feelings out- but sending them is a different story. When you send something you are looking for a certain reply... a reply that you want to hear. That reply is almost always NOT what you want. It may be "I am with someone else" or it may be "I'm not interested anymore" or it may be worse (like in my case) and you may not even get a reply at all.

 

If you send something to him- make sure you are prepared for WHATEVER reply you do or don't get.

 

I was with an emotionally "unavailable" guy. He left me quickly and has never looked back- even went on to date immediately after the break up with me after a year together of promises and happiness.

 

Don't send the letters unless you are prepared for the possible hurt and rejection.

 

My guy IS GONE. I feel like an ass for sending him my e-mail in a moment of weakness.

 

D

[Island Girl]

So the biggest lesson that anyone can get from this is be careful about saying things like I want to break up or I want a divorce unless you really want that.

 

You could have talked about how you were feeling -- it would have been a mistake as well -- but I can see how you would want to. Instead you pulled the silent treatment (doesn't work), told him you wanted to break up (you didn't), explained that you really didn't (it was just a test), then had a conversation where you suggested a break over and over again (when that obviously isn't what you wanted).

 

So you lied about what you wanted and now that he gave you what you said you wanted you want him back. If that sentence seems like a big mess, it is just like your situation.

 

I don't put it like this to be mean, I just hope you learn a lesson and be honest about what you want in the future. Idle threats don't do anybody any good.

 

Now what do you do. Well you don't go burning up his cell phone, sending him text messages, or planning on giving him 100 letters to prove your devotion.

 

Your best move is see if you run into him Christmas break. Try to orchestrate a run in at a party or what have you. When you see him be happy and friendly. DO NOT give him long gazes where you act sad and try to get him to talk to you --- he'll RUN.

 

Play it cool. If you get a chance. You can say -- I have to apologize for what happened at the end - I really freaked out and I shouldn't have. --- Then shut up. If he starts talking about it greast. If he ignores it and is quiet get back into fun mode and don't act like it bothers you.

 

In the meantime write if you must but for every letter you write do something fun. Go out and meet other people. Date if you meet someone you're interested in. There is a good possibility that by Christmas you may not care so much.

 

And the next time you get a good guy be honest with what you want when involved in a conflict.

[aikim]

Yah it was my mistake to agree on something that I didn't really want. But at the time I really thought we would get back together once school started for me. I've been home in LA for the past 2 days already (just for the weekend) and that's when I'm the most weakest because I'm here...he's here. I know this is going to sound like I'm a stalker ex gf, but last night when I was coming from downtown, I felt the urge to stop by his place. It's always hard not to notice his apt because the freeway is right next to his apt and I always pass it on my way to my house from sd or anywhere else that makes me take the freeway. And ever since we broke up, it just seemed so weird passing it when I would always just stay at his house when I came up to LA. Anyways I went to his apt where his car was (300zx TT...he's into cars) and his windows were foggy so I drew 4 hearts with my finger on his front windshield and his back windshield. Gah I couldn't help it...shoot me.

[joriel]

I know this is going to sound like I'm a stalker ex gf, but last night when I was coming from downtown, I felt the urge to stop by his place.

 

I know the feeling. Last night I went to see friends in the town where my ex lives and I had to fight the urge to "swing by". While I knew that there was NO WAY that I would actually do it, I thought about it.

 

his windows were foggy so I drew 4 hearts with my finger on his front windshield and his back windshield. Gah I couldn't help it...shoot me.

 

Um, please don't ever do that again. With any luck the windows fogged back up but, that's kind of creepy. No offense.

[Island Girl]

I can't stress enough - NC. I'd leave him alone completely - and for God's sake - don't take the chance of him walking out of his house or pulling up in a friends car and see you drawing hearts on his car.

 

Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. Haven't you ever noticed that bad things fade into the background and good memories and feelings remain?

 

Just focus on other things. He got whammied. He is not going to be so quick to talk to you right now when all he got the last couple of times was double-talk. You can't blame him for that.

 

You will run into him again - you're a girl -- trust me you can make SURE you run into him again. You can even make sure it looks like an accident.

 

But wait till Christmas break. Focus on school and yourself. Figure out your weakest times and prepare for them. Make plans. If it is in the evening - make sure you are exhausted when you get to bed. Pamper yourself. Put on masks, take bubble baths, rent movies and cry if you must. Just DON"T call, e-mail, drive by (unless it is on the freeway - and then - only when you MUST) or make ANY contact. Take precautions to make sure there is no accidental contact too.

 

Look good, feel good, accomplish things. Because if you still feel the same way at Christmas - when you see him -- all of that will show. A confident attractive woman is a magnet for any man and he'll have had time to miss you.

 

Just an aside that seems to be getting ignonred:

 

He was pulling back and immersing himself in his 'other life' with his friends the last weekend you were there too. Don't ignore that fact. There is a MOST PROBABLE chance that had your relationship continued, there would have been a continous destruction of the relationship because it would have led to ongoing fights, etc. each time you were together.

 

THERE IS a bright side to the way this all happened. There was no systematic breakdown (which makes a broken relationship harder to recover) and not many bad memories. That works in your favor. If you do get back together this is a 'head's up' that friends and time spent with them would have to be discussed BUT ONLY WHEN HE IS FULLY BACK AND ON BOARD AGAIN. That may take a while...

[aikim]

I know the feeling. Last night I went to see friends in the town where my ex lives and I had to fight the urge to "swing by". While I knew that there was NO WAY that I would actually do it, I thought about it.

 

 

 

Um, please don't ever do that again. With any luck the windows fogged back up but, that's kind of creepy. No offense.

 

Some of my guy friends actually thought it was kinda cute...but yeah

[aikim]

I can't stress enough - NC. I'd leave him alone completely - and for God's sake - don't take the chance of him walking out of his house or pulling up in a friends car and see you drawing hearts on his car.

 

Absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. Haven't you ever noticed that bad things fade into the background and good memories and feelings remain?

 

Just focus on other things. He got whammied. He is not going to be so quick to talk to you right now when all he got the last couple of times was double-talk. You can't blame him for that.

 

You will run into him again - you're a girl -- trust me you can make SURE you run into him again. You can even make sure it looks like an accident.

 

But wait till Christmas break. Focus on school and yourself. Figure out your weakest times and prepare for them. Make plans. If it is in the evening - make sure you are exhausted when you get to bed. Pamper yourself. Put on masks, take bubble baths, rent movies and cry if you must. Just DON"T call, e-mail, drive by (unless it is on the freeway - and then - only when you MUST) or make ANY contact. Take precautions to make sure there is no accidental contact too.

 

Look good, feel good, accomplish things. Because if you still feel the same way at Christmas - when you see him -- all of that will show. A confident attractive woman is a magnet for any man and he'll have had time to miss you.

 

Just an aside that seems to be getting ignonred:

 

He was pulling back and immersing himself in his 'other life' with his friends the last weekend you were there too. Don't ignore that fact. There is a MOST PROBABLE chance that had your relationship continued, there would have been a continous destruction of the relationship because it would have led to ongoing fights, etc. each time you were together.

 

THERE IS a bright side to the way this all happened. There was no systematic breakdown (which makes a broken relationship harder to recover) and not many bad memories. That works in your favor. If you do get back together this is a 'head's up' that friends and time spent with them would have to be discussed BUT ONLY WHEN HE IS FULLY BACK AND ON BOARD AGAIN. That may take a while...

 

Thanks Island Girl. You make some really good points

[Raylene]

Although I agree you shouldn't say things you don't mean, such as I want to break up, when you don't, I also think you were reacting to the signals he was sending that he "is just not into you" anymore. What I gathered from your post is that at first he literally neglected everything, including schoolwork, and spend tons of money and time to drive to spend every possible moment with you. Agreed, schoolwork should come first and he needs to concentrate on that, skipping the driving constantly etc. BUT, with that said, he is now concentrating on schoolwork and important things, which is a good thing. However, the thing that struck me about your post is that now, as opposed to when you first got together, he doesn't even want to spend very much of free time with you on weekends when you make the effort to drive and be with him. I know people want to spend time with their friends, but seeing as how you are in two different cities and see each other infrequently, I would think he would want to include you in his activities, along with friends, on the weekends you do spend together. I'd be willing to bet other girls are around, in the bars, or wherever he goes with his friends, Why didn't he want you around? On the hearts on the car, heck, unless he knew you were in town, he'll just probably think some chick he met while out with his friends has a crush on him and did it. Or one of the guys did it as a prank. Don't sweat it. Move on. Although you may feel he is the one, my advice would be find a guy at your own college to date for now. If it is meant to be, this former boyfriend will contact you. Men are funny that way. :-) Jeesh, I wish I could take my own advice sometimes!