funkify Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 I'm 23, just broken up with my boyfriend of four years whom I love very much and so does he. I'm in pieces, crying, nightmares etc. I know sadness is normal after a breakup but its making me question if I've done the right thing. It's especially hard because I pulled the plug and I know he would take me back in a second. I don't want to get back together if I know it will keep ending. How do you know when a break-up has been the right thing when you feel so much sadness?
Author funkify Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 Ok, it's a long story... Relationship rundown Year 1 - Total bliss. We were eachother's 'everything', felt so lucky God had given me unbelievable happiness I thought I'd never imagine. He is the man I will marry, without a doubt Year 2 - Went overseas for one month. He was still being the adorable boyfriend. However, temptation came my way when I was unable to think straight and I kissed two men. Came back kicking myself and unable to understand why I did it. I never told him yet this made me question my feelings as to why I would do something like that when I was blissfully happy. I never have forgiven myself Year 3 - We still love each other but he starts slacking off not wanting to spend time with my family, putting me last on his 'list'. Frustration builds up after he says he'll change and never does and so I break it off. I start dating not long after, he finds out and begs me back. We get back together. For the next 6mths the same issues are still there, patience is running out on my part and love is fading. I break it off again. Year 4 - We get back together but it doesn’t feel the same on my part. I’m running out of patience, perhaps even love. He almost cheats and admits it. He wants to move past it and after a while I choose to work through it too. But there are other issues- resentment towards members of my family. Things seem too complicated and I start considering dating other guys. Because of all the drama I just want peace again, I cannot imagine a happy life with him anymore because all I see is drama. He, on the other hand always has hope. Towards the end we date but don’t involve family or friends so as to take things slow, but I keep seeing an inevitable end. We breakup because I feel there’s too much drama that’s happened over the last few years for things to ever be ‘amazing’ again. He: thinks I make issues out to be bigger than they are, keep breaking up when there's no need. Always a positive attitude, still dreams of us one day getting married. Me: I'm so tired of the ups and downs. I really wish we hadn't gone through so much drama and things kept continuing like those times of bliss. But is it possible to ever get back to that stage? Am I too pessimistic?
aikim Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Ok, it's a long story... Relationship rundown Year 1 - Total bliss. We were eachother's 'everything', felt so lucky God had given me unbelievable happiness I thought I'd never imagine. He is the man I will marry, without a doubt Year 2 - Went overseas for one month. He was still being the adorable boyfriend. However, temptation came my way when I was unable to think straight and I kissed two men. Came back kicking myself and unable to understand why I did it. I never told him yet this made me question my feelings as to why I would do something like that when I was blissfully happy. I never have forgiven myself Year 3 - We still love each other but he starts slacking off not wanting to spend time with my family, putting me last on his 'list'. Frustration builds up after he says he'll change and never does and so I break it off. I start dating not long after, he finds out and begs me back. We get back together. For the next 6mths the same issues are still there, patience is running out on my part and love is fading. I break it off again. Year 4 - We get back together but it doesn’t feel the same on my part. I’m running out of patience, perhaps even love. He almost cheats and admits it. He wants to move past it and after a while I choose to work through it too. But there are other issues- resentment towards members of my family. Things seem too complicated and I start considering dating other guys. Because of all the drama I just want peace again, I cannot imagine a happy life with him anymore because all I see is drama. He, on the other hand always has hope. Towards the end we date but don’t involve family or friends so as to take things slow, but I keep seeing an inevitable end. We breakup because I feel there’s too much drama that’s happened over the last few years for things to ever be ‘amazing’ again. He: thinks I make issues out to be bigger than they are, keep breaking up when there's no need. Always a positive attitude, still dreams of us one day getting married. Me: I'm so tired of the ups and downs. I really wish we hadn't gone through so much drama and things kept continuing like those times of bliss. But is it possible to ever get back to that stage? Am I too pessimistic? Well what's the longest you guys were ever broken up? I think that if you make it known to him that you don't want any contact what so ever, he'll realize that you're the one for him and he needs to change. If you keep trying to keep in contact with him, I think you're giving him hope that you guys will end up together, but if you don't talk to him for a couple of months and he still wants to be with you, he'll want to change and know he has to in order for you guys to get back together again and make it work. For me, when my ex and I broke up, I thought we would get back together, but he made no attempts to reconcile and I started to reevaluate myself in the relationship and wanted to change for the better. I just want to prove to him that I'm not so dependent anymore and I've set my priorities straight. But with that is also time. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel like I need to give him more time before I try to get in contact with him again.
Author funkify Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 Well what's the longest you guys were ever broken up? I think that if you make it known to him that you don't want any contact what so ever, he'll realize that you're the one for him and he needs to change. If you keep trying to keep in contact with him, I think you're giving him hope that you guys will end up together, but if you don't talk to him for a couple of months and he still wants to be with you, he'll want to change and know he has to in order for you guys to get back together again and make it work. For me, when my ex and I broke up, I thought we would get back together, but he made no attempts to reconcile and I started to reevaluate myself in the relationship and wanted to change for the better. I just want to prove to him that I'm not so dependent anymore and I've set my priorities straight. But with that is also time. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel like I need to give him more time before I try to get in contact with him again. The longest we've been broken up was probably about 3 months. He still wanted to be with me after that and wanted to change. I sincerely believe he means this when he says it. His excuse for not wanting to spend time with my family (when invited to gatherings etc) is that he gets bored and is busy and would rather work on his own things. Is that reasonable? It sounds like a pretty selfish excuse to me
D-Lish Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Funkify... Well it sounds like regardless of whether or not you love him- You at least need a longer break than before to figure things out. It doesn't sound like your needs are being met... and that's a big red flag. There needs to be effort from both ends to sustain a relationship. That doesn't mean just making promises, making a go at it for a while, then get feeling settled and regressing to old patterns. If you are not getting your needs met and telling him so doesn't change his patterns of behaviour... then you are right to want to move on. When you love someone who isn't right for you- it makes it harder to leave them. Sounds like you are still undecided as to whether or not you should go. Maybe that is where a break will make the difference. During the break you should cut off all contact for a longish period of time to understand the full impact of your decision. This too, allows him to feel the impact of life without you. Good luck! D
Guest Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 having stepped off the merry-go-round myself... I can say that life is better without the drama/up and downs etc. If that is what you are feeling, its a valid feeling then I don't see there were many other options for you other than breaking up - as hard as that is. Only you can change a situation, and if you're not happy with the situation then you need to change it. I agree with D-lish you need to find out the impact of your decision. I still find it hard to imagine moving on without him in my life but if I look at the reasons we broke up then they are valid and I have do what is best for me. Good luck.
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