Fear of abandonment

[misterE]

I've been researching a lot lately trying to figure out what is wrong with me, and what i've concluded is that I display classic fear of abandonment issues.

 

I will start by saying that I haven't gone to see a therapist, I made an appointment for next week, but I don't have much faith in the appointment, because I've tried this in the past and therapy just doesn't work properly for me.

 

Ok down to the nitty gritty:

 

I've been married for about 3.5 years now. I have 1 child. I find that I go through cycles where I'm overrun with jealousy and the fear of losing my wife. She doesn't have to be doing anything for this to happen... or atleast anything a normal person would deem as worrysome behavior.

 

It gets out of hand, I'll start checking up on her, screening her life basically... I don't let her know I'm doing it, cause I know it's wrong and if I were her and found out I'd be pissed... the problem is I keep doing it cause if i'm not actively doing something like that I'm going crazy.

 

The thoughts that cycle through my head are, she doesn't love me, she's seeing someone else or is interested in someone else, she isn't attracted to me, i'm not a successful person, i'm not attractive, i'm not worthy of her love.

 

Some days it can be the exact opposite, we are having a good time, I don't question her fidelity, her love or anything.

 

What i've been reading is that something probably happened in my development to create this type of thinking and that something is happening today that is triggering that.

 

I will be the first to admit that I haven't been the best husband when i'm not flipping out like i am right now. I went through phases in our relationship where I treated her really well, and other phases where I ignored her. I never did anything to permanently scar her like cheating... heck I haven't even flirted with another woman since i've been with my wife... a total of 5 years with dating/engagement.

 

The problem is sometimes life overwhelms me and I shut out everything in life. I dive into some sort of pasttime, but in an unhealthy way. Whether it's video games, reading books, playing chess... whatever, I do it obsessively when i'm like this. It seems to ease my brain about the worries of life. During those times I ignore my wife. Then something catches my eye and I jump into abandonment mode. Over the past several months my wife has started to slim down and get back into shape. She was never been overweight imo, but she could of used a bit of toning up. I understand that we lose weight for ourselves, but everytime I think of her trying to get into better shape it makes me think of bad thoughts like she's trying to get into shape for someone else, or she's trying to get into shape to go out into the dating world again. The little voice in my head tells me that i'm being unrealistic and making conclusions that are false... but then i'm overwhelmed by the jealousy side of things and spin into a thought process that is very difficult to continue being an active/productive adult.... often smiling hurts because I know i'm not happy yet i'm trying to keep up an appearance that I am.

 

My wife loves me, I know this. However when times are like this, I start needing more attention, more physical contact than usual... sex ofcourse becomes more of a focal point for me. When i'm rational during these phases I can tell myself that there is no way on earth my wife can be turned on while i'm like this. There is nothing attractive or sexy about jealousy, however 10 minutes later I can be picking on her saying she doesn't find me attractive. It's not only driving me crazy but it has to be driving her crazy as well.

 

Whenever there is a problem, I try and push her away, but deep down inside i'm wanting her to tell me to not go away, that she needs me. It's really unhealthy and it can't make her feel secure in the marriage to be told I want to leave. She brings it up from time to time about me wanting to leave and how it hurts her when I say that... but I still say it, and I don't want to leave. All I want is her love, but I can't seem to handle arguments properly. To me when we argue it's the end of the world if i'm in this phase. It's like i've just ruined everything we've every done or had together and that i'm no longer worthwhile. Which then makes me more insecure and causes more arguments. This cycle needs to end but I just don't know how to confront it. Like I said I want to see a therapist but I have a really really hard time talking about my feelings. Every time i've been to a therapist, I've sat there saying nothing. I've been to 2 therapists in the past and both times i left the office telling myself that I just wasted my time... i can't open up to a stranger, I feel like they'll judge me too much and that I'll appear to be weak to them. I wasn't raised in a home that was open about communication... i can see that after watching my wife's family communicate... and I wish things were changed... but that's how life worked out... i'll keep on trying but I need some sort of breakthrough or realization. The only person i'm able to tell anything to is my wife, which doesn't work so well in these situations. I've told her that I fit the description of having a fear of abandonment, that i'm working on it, but at the same time, talking to her about these issues is somewhat conflicting, cause if she offers me consolation through hugging, verbal appraisal etc, i'm getting the affection I need to not feel abandoned, and therefore i'm not working on my problems.

 

I need help in understanding the problem and coping with it... please if anyone has stories to share i'd like that.... I'm happy with my wife, she still loves me, but I can't image she'll put up with this much longer.... it has to be taking a toll on her. Even now I think that divorce would benefit us both, she wouldn't have to deal with me, and I wouldn't have to worry anymore about her leaving... yet I know if we divorced I'd slip into a world of hell... and when I think about it, I feel like I won't be able to handle the pain, that I'll be doomed to crawling into a hole and feeling sorry for myself.

[mike440]

Look into the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. I can't add much more, but I would have to say that the fact that you realize there's a problem and you're trying to get halp is certainly a step in the right direction.

[D-Lish]

Hmmm, from a woman's point of view I can tell you that your wife's effort to slim up and look better probably has a lot to do with getting YOUR attention- not that of other men. We do drastic things when we want our partner to pay attention to us. Maybe she's feeling neglected???

 

It's good you have insight into your own issues with abandonment, etc. Having the insight can arm you with the tools necessary to help yourself.

 

Good luck,

Dee

[kbah]

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I have been seeing a counselor for sometimes now and just learned today that my mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a terrible mental illness that is categorized by such feelings as; frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, a pattern of unstable and intense relationships,impulsivesness (sex,drugs,spending), feelings of emptiness, impulsive and intense anger, etc. I grew up with a mother like this my ENTIRE LIFE.

 

It does sound like you have some of these characteristics...and so do I. But it does not mean we have this disorder...but maybe that we have learned these behaviors from our parent (probably mother) who has the illness and now we suffer the consequences of HER actions. This disease is called borderline bc it lies between being neurotic and psychotic. It is usually accompanied by another illness (depression, manic depression, bipolar disroder). Is it possible that your mother suffered from this disorder.

 

(If the above applies to you then here is my advice)

The main thing that I have come to learn and understand is that it is not your fault. You have been subjected to either abuse or neglect and probably have been raised in a dysfunctional family. Was a parent an addict? That is a token characteristic of BPD...

 

I also have these feelings of abandonment and I have ever since I began being intimate with men in general...I just can never trust. I do go through periods of beliving in trust and am fine and then something will switch.

 

I am going to continue therapy to BREAK THE CYCLE, so that I will not act in this manner to my children one day. I highly suggest you do the same and break this cycle. I am glad to hear you are getting help.