sapphire0903 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Hi all! I am posting in this forum, because after my boyfriend started dating his wife again, I became the O/W. Since then, we have "broken up". I have wondered many many things about the future. We have both agreed to remain friends, that his wife knows of me, and knows how he feels about me (as far as I know), and wants me in his life. We have not seen each other in aprox. 3 weeks, and have spoken on the phone just once on the phone. The conversation was good, about life in general stuff, intermingled with how much he thinks about me, ending with I miss you and I love you. I have been friends with men before, but have never transitioned from lover to friend. I hurt now, but I cant imagine him not in my life at all. What do you all think? Realistic or no? I know no one can predict the future (well maybe somebody out there can, but I certainly cant ) but really, he has always been honest with me and is a very good friend to me, I hate to just walk away from a close relationship. Thoughts?????
DeeBrod83 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 nope. as much as you wish it would, I rarely see this working. To me to be friends you need to lack that physical attraction. Another reason is the rejection factor. I feel it's very difficult to be friends after a break up. Now, there are some situations when it works, and mostly only in break-ups that are mutual. I've tried this before. I become best friends with my lovers and I want to keep them in my life b/c they've been so dear to me, even if just as a friend, but you can't. I think it just creates more, longer-lasting pain in the end. Sorry to be a bubble burster, but my bubble's been burst plenty of times on this one and I'd rather it be this way then the way I learned.
Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I am just a little further in the same situation and it is not working. At least, the just friends part is not. We are involved in a serious EA that will, without doubt, become a full blown A. We went NC for over a year but that still hasn't cooled the feelings for each other. Good luck to you...
PoshPrincess Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I tried the friends thing with my MM after we broke up and it didn't work. From my point of view I found it really hard going from sharing all my feelings (about him) with him to pretending that I no longer felt anything. When we decided to go NC he admitted he found it hard being friends too as everytime we spoke all the feelings he had for me came to the surface. I kept wanting to ask if he loved me and to tell him I loved him but couldn't. He would tell me he still missed me and I would build my hopes up that we could resurrect out relationship. Why has your boyfriend gone back to his wife if he still loves you? Sorry, I'm not trying to sound harsh but don't know your full R story. Maybe he has a good reason; that this is the only solution right now.....otherwise could be that he just wants to have his cake and eat it? If that's the case then you could end up getting hurt if you still have feelings for him as, in past experience, men say they want to be friends with you when you split up because they still want to sleep with you but when they get over that (by meeting someone else or whatever) they don't want to know at all. Just think it is extremely hard to be friends with someone you once had or still have 'more than friends' feelings for. Good luck. Keep us posted!
Author sapphire0903 Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 Hey, Thanks for your input. My B/F's wife NEVER gave up hope, and never let him go. She pursued him relentlesly and when she found out about me (November) she pushed that much more. They have two children in college and a multitude of "crisis's" that occured while separated. He is a family man & providing to his family is one of the most important things to him. I know he still loves her too, does not want to hurt her, has trouble telling her "no", and she made sure that the children were involved fully in their lives, while separated (family get togethers ect.) They have been married 24 years, ........alot of history. After two years,(me and him) our break up was inevitable. The circumstances were just working against us. I believe it is quite possible to love two people at the same time. But of course in reality, only one will be with him. He knows how I feel about him, and that I would rather be with him, but of course that is not the right thing to do. He tells me (and shows me) that he loves me, and I have no doubt about that. ..........but again....... circumstances I told him that "friends" would not work, his wife just simply would not allow it. His response?..........."Well she will just have to get used to it" I really don't know, and I don't trust my feelings to direct me, I know I will probably be weak, and I dont want to cry anymore. One thing though, our last night together......no sex, HE stopped it. Thanks again for the well wishes,......Looks like I will need all I can get.
PoshPrincess Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 Sapphire, can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I feel miserable enough but to have your MM go back to his W after being with you for so long must be really tough, to say the least. I can't see how things will work out for him and W if he does stay friends with you but he obviously can't let you go. Like my MM he is trying to do right by his family even though he loves you. Why did they separate in the first place? Was it his decision or hers? Did he leave her to be with you?
Author sapphire0903 Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 Sapphire, can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I feel miserable enough but to have your MM go back to his W after being with you for so long must be really tough, to say the least. I can't see how things will work out for him and W if he does stay friends with you but he obviously can't let you go. Like my MM he is trying to do right by his family even though he loves you. Why did they separate in the first place? Was it his decision or hers? Did he leave her to be with you? PoshPrincess, Yeah this is kind of a tough one. No he was separated a year before we met. He decided to leave his marriage, due to lack of sex. He tells me he sees her trying, and that he does not find the need to "get away from her" as strongly as it was. She has never worked, and now has a job, and she feels bood about herself now. He tells me that if someone had asked him if he would ever try his marriage again 6 months ago, he would have said no..........But things are different. that is all he is really able to say when I ask "why?" So even though he loves me, maybe he is seeing her with different eyes. He comes from a family with strong marriage values, his parents just celebrated 50 years. He now tells me that she questions him anytime he is out of town, which if she truely knows about me and how he feels about me, is kind of understandable. The only thing I can think of is "trying" to be only a friend to him. No Physical contact, kissing, hugging ect. Okay well maybe a hug, but he knows how I feel about him.
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