Stages Of A Relationship

[Sally00]

There are many different stages of a relationship. And there are lots of ideas out there. I'm just curious to see what kinds of stages in a relationship you heard about.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months next week. We're 20 and talk about our futures together as if we're already officially engaged. We've been friends for over a year beforehand, so we are quite comfortable with each other.

 

Thanks for input!!!

[Mirage222]

It's not about stages you "hear" about it is what you feel. Every relationship is so drastically different.

 

Year 1 - is getting to know your guy/gal

Year 2 - is loving your guy

Year 3- is either marriage or co hab

Year 4 - still honey moon time (at least for me)

Year 5- Your totally comfortable - but lets keep it "new" still

Year 6 -Your divorced .. kidding ... well for some..

 

It's all about feel though.. and at 8 months that is way too soon to consider much of anything..

 

Do you know his favorite toothpaste yet?

Can you use the toilet (#2) when he is around?

Can you pig out if you want? Hang in your jammies all day with no makeup or shower?

 

Can you tell him what your feeling when your feeling it? Not your best friend, but him?

 

What is the one household thing that annoys you? Cause we all have one of those

There is SO much to learn before anything future is spoken ... 8 months.. believe me, you don't know all that much,.

[Sally00]

Do you know his favorite toothpaste yet?

Can you use the toilet (#2) when he is around?

Can you pig out if you want? Hang in your jammies all day with no makeup or shower?

 

Can you tell him what your feeling when your feeling it? Not your best friend, but him?

 

What is the one household thing that annoys you? Cause we all have one of those

There is SO much to learn before anything future is spoken ... 8 months.. believe me, you don't know all that much,.

Haha yes. I know it's about how I feel. I was just curious to see.

 

I don't know his FAVORITE toothpaste. I don't even know MINE. I don't live with him. Hehe. Yeah. I can use the toilet around him. He can even use the toilet around ME. Ah yes, and trust me... I can pig out in front of him all I want. He even says I'm messy and a pig. That's because he is one too. Last year, we had a buffet eating contest with our friends... and I won. That's how much of a piglet I am. And guess what? I'm skinny. Hehe. He has seen me when I wake up... my morning hair... you know, the works. He still says how beautiful I am. I never wear make-up. No, not even lip gloss. Nada. The closest thing to make-up I wear is chapstick. HAHA. He IS my best friend and I can tell him anything. I haven't known him in only 8 months. In fact, it's been just about 2 years of knowing him.

 

Thank you for your input!

[DeeBrod83]

It's not about stages you "hear" about it is what you feel. Every relationship is so drastically different.

 

Year 1 - is getting to know your guy/gal

Year 2 - is loving your guy

Year 3- is either marriage or co hab

Year 4 - still honey moon time (at least for me)

Year 5- Your totally comfortable - but lets keep it "new" still

Year 6 -Your divorced .. kidding ... well for some..

 

It's all about feel though.. and at 8 months that is way too soon to consider much of anything..

 

Do you know his favorite toothpaste yet?

Can you use the toilet (#2) when he is around?

Can you pig out if you want? Hang in your jammies all day with no makeup or shower?

 

Can you tell him what your feeling when your feeling it? Not your best friend, but him?

 

What is the one household thing that annoys you? Cause we all have one of those

There is SO much to learn before anything future is spoken ... 8 months.. believe me, you don't know all that much,.

Nah, year 7 is divorced. Haven't you ever heard of the seven year itch!?!

I think that it doesn't years at all to get to some of the stages you discussed. I think obviously everything's based on the individual couple, but a lot of all that happens within a short amount of time.

And I disagree with your ideas of love. I don't think you need to go #2 in front of someone to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I think there should always be personal things. Now, if you're so sick that you can't help it, or something along those lines, yes you need that comfort of knowing they're still going to love you anyway.

[Lisa32]

There really are no set stages. It's different for every couple, because everyone has a different personality, wants and needs. Some move faster, some slower.

[Sally00]

There really are no set stages. It's different for every couple, because everyone has a different personality, wants and needs. Some move faster, some slower.

Yeah. I know. I just wanna know what the stages are... just to see.

[Mirage222]

Nah, year 7 is divorced. Haven't you ever heard of the seven year itch!?!

I think that it doesn't years at all to get to some of the stages you discussed. I think obviously everything's based on the individual couple, but a lot of all that happens within a short amount of time.

And I disagree with your ideas of love. I don't think you need to go #2 in front of someone to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with them. I think there should always be personal things. Now, if you're so sick that you can't help it, or something along those lines, yes you need that comfort of knowing they're still going to love you anyway.

 

 

Yeah I disagree with my "stages of a relationship" too.. I was just throwing anything out at random, basically saying that there is no time limit on relationship stages or feelings etc. I just took a short cut on saying it

 

7 year itch ... but of course! I was being nice - kinda ! haha

[electric_sheep]

There really are no set stages. It's different for every couple, because everyone has a different personality, wants and needs. Some move faster, some slower.

 

I agree. Everyone is different ... and yet, we are all the same in a lot of ways too.

 

Scientists in Italy have decided that that "crazy in love" feeling can only last a year ... after that a more subtle and comforting love feeling may replace it, or maybe not.

 

I guess we are slaves to biochemistry ultimately.

 

I'm at the one year mark and I must say my sex drive is crashing a bit, and I'm not nearly so obsessed with my SO as before. I daresay all the craziness has finally died down and I'm actually healthy ! Sometimes I miss that craziness though.

 

What even more interesting is to think about just how little we can ever really get to know someone else. For example, in retrospect I'm convinced my gf was still hung up on her ex while all the while I was seeing stars and hopelessly in love. By the time she fell in love with me I was already moving into the more subdued phase. Maybe she never went through the "crazy in love" phase at all. People are often reticent and careful with their words when talking about such things, so you can't always trust what you hear. She is on major pychoactive pharmaceuteicals too ... they may simply dull her feelings in general.

 

It's just like making love and having sex. One can never really be sure what the other is doing. It's not like anyone is going to admit to thinking about Brat Pitt or the guy at work after sex.

 

So, I'm not sure about these phases. I bet there is a lot of variety out there. Perhaps some sociologist has made an interesting study of it ? If so, I'd like to read it.

[Bamaboy2006]

the one i am most familiar with is the stage called wanting to be in a relationship but never going to be due to lack of looks.

[littlepiggy1]

the one i am most familiar with is the stage called wanting to be in a relationship but never going to be due to lack of looks.

 

If you're a guy, looks matter less than attitude.

[littlepiggy1]

As far as stages go, I think there's really just two:

 

1) Initial honeymoon stage

2) Long term "comfortable" stage

[Sally00]

lol I was hoping for real answers!

But thx anyways..

[lovestruck234]

As far as stages go, I think there's really just two:

 

1) Initial honeymoon stage

2) Long term "comfortable" stage

 

 

I agree.

 

I am the same as Sally, I'm on the 8 month mark. As much as I think I know my bf so much, I know there are going to be soooo many surprises (good and bad) that are yet to come around the corner.

 

We had been friends for a while before we got together and did alot of things together that never hid the true person I am from him. We went motorbike riding every weekend. So that means most of the time I stunk like sh*t around him and he stunk too. But we were just mates hanging out so it was no big deal.

 

We would go on weekends away camping and have to take dumps in the bushes....yeah...there was never anything to hide from each other.

 

When we oficially "got together", things somehow changed. I found myself being a totally different person around him. I would always be cleaned up, looking perfect for him, and never really being at ease.

 

He was the same, I could notice. Just little things like he would always had his best clothes on around me and stuff. lol.

 

Then, after say....3 or 4 months things started feeling back to normal again. And even more so, MORE relaxed than we were when we were just friends.

 

Now, going on 9 months, I KNOW what his favourite toothpaste is....(Colgate Sensitive), I use his toilet all the time....we've had the runs after eating kebabs and had to pretty much share a toilet while sh*tting like dogs, we hang out in our PJ's every Sunday and eat pizza for breakfast together. My hair is oily and smelly and I have dirt under my nails and we still sit there muching on pizza. Same as him. I tell him how I'm feeling all the time (but still trying to pry him to open up to me....damn boys and not showing their emotions!!)

 

And it's so funny. When we do go out together, like we went to the movies the other weekend and I went home and got ready and I was obsessing over what to wear etc... I even had butterflies when he showed up...

 

So I think you could say we are at the in-between stage of honeymoon and feeling comfortable. We fight like nothing else and have been screaming at each other so loud neighbours from up the other end of the street asked what the problem was.

 

We are together, but deep down, we are still the best mates we were before it all...

[Walk]

My non-professional uneducated opion:

 

1. The giddy happy crazy feelings, can't get him off your mind etc.

 

2. 6-9 months, You start to notice the little annoying things, or the huge things depending on your view.

 

3. One year mark you think this will last forever and you should naturally get married.

 

4. Two year mark you wonder why the hell your together and naturally think you should break up. Sex becomes more routine, not as exciting and you long for how it was in the beginning.

 

5. Three year mark, overall, your comfortable and happy and looking forward to a long relationship.. and having the evening alone while the SO goes out.

 

6. Four year mark... turbulence. This seems (in my experience) to be when men realize they either need to commit or break up.

 

7. Fifth and sixth year go by without any major castastrophies. Mostly comfortable. Some hitches, but mostly good. Same old arguments you had at year two, but both have pretty much agreed that it can't be solved. But still try....

 

8. Seventh year.. all hell breaks lose and you wonder why the hell you two are still together and naturally think you should break up/get divorced. And the guy in the office next door is really hot. Those same arguments you had in year 5 and 6 are now insurmountable differences and can't even be discussed rationally.

 

9. Never got past the 7 year point... hahahahahahahah

[allina]

My non-professional uneducated opion:

 

1. The giddy happy crazy feelings, can't get him off your mind etc.

 

2. 6-9 months, You start to notice the little annoying things, or the huge things depending on your view.

 

3. One year mark you think this will last forever and you should naturally get married.

 

4. Two year mark you wonder why the hell your together and naturally think you should break up. Sex becomes more routine, not as exciting and you long for how it was in the beginning.

 

5. Three year mark, overall, your comfortable and happy and looking forward to a long relationship.. and having the evening alone while the SO goes out.

 

6. Four year mark... turbulence. This seems (in my experience) to be when men realize they either need to commit or break up.

 

7. Fifth and sixth year go by without any major castastrophies. Mostly comfortable. Some hitches, but mostly good. Same old arguments you had at year two, but both have pretty much agreed that it can't be solved. But still try....

 

8. Seventh year.. all hell breaks lose and you wonder why the hell you two are still together and naturally think you should break up/get divorced. And the guy in the office next door is really hot. Those same arguments you had in year 5 and 6 are now insurmountable differences and can't even be discussed rationally.

 

9. Never got past the 7 year point... hahahahahahahah

 

I found this greatly depressing

[LaughMachine]

So you can use the toilet infront of him? make can you go number two in front of him:p

[allina]

So you can use the toilet infront of him? make can you go number two in front of him:p

 

What????

[electric_sheep]

Found a website that might actually be useful:

http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153

 

I can definitely relate to the Power Struggle phase ... indeed, I wrote an entry on here about it.

 

From reading that over, there are just a couple of things I can add ... I don't think each person in the relationship is necessarily in the same phase at the same time. One person may be in the "Romantic Love" phase while the other is in the "Adjusting to Reality" phase.

 

For example, while I was in these phases, in this order:

Romantic Love

Adjusting to Reality

Power Struggle

 

My girlfriend was in these phases:

Power Struggle

Adjusting to Reality

Romantic Love

 

For whatever reason she did them in reverse (according to the website), whereas I did them in the typical order.

 

Also, the descriptions of the phases may be a little different for everyone. I'm terribly passive aggressive (unfortunately), so the Power Struggle phase for me was quite different than what they describe.

[blind_otter]

IME, the stages are not roughly divided by time because the rate at which you go through the stages can be faster or slower, depending on the individuals involved.

 

-initially there is that honeymoon phase where everything seems great

 

-then things start to bug you and your tolerance level for random messups or general crap starts to go down (some people with unrealistic relationship expectations, or personal issues that they ahve yet to face, themselves break up at this phase)

 

-then you start to argue about things, but this is an opportunity to open up. I think this is the power struggle element -- you can open up your vulnerabilities and emotional baggage or you can shut down (emotional intimacy phobes break up at this phase)

 

-you open up to each other and begin learning how to work through obstacles together (people with intimacy issues will break up and get back together in this phase). This is also the transition period from romantic honeymoon feelings to more steady companionate love.

 

-there is a lull, and if you become too comfortable there is a good chance that one or the other partner will get "out of synch" and start to stray.

 

- or// if you do the work to maintain the relationship, and do the work to maintain and encourage personal growth then you have a chance at establishing lifelong committment. But even that takes a lot of work.

[catgirl1927]

People go to the bathroom in front of each other? I personally wouldn't ever want to be at that stage. I mean, there needs to be a little mystery.

[blind_otter]

People go to the bathroom in front of each other? I personally wouldn't ever want to be at that stage. I mean, there needs to be a little mystery.

 

I'm w/you on this one. I have no idea where the obsession with watching your partner take a crap came from. I can understand having to pee in front of each other occasionally, but habitually? Yeuch. talk about destroying "the spark".

[tanbark813]

I wouldn't know. I've never had a relationship last longer than 2 years. Is that bad at 29?

 

All I know is around month 3 to month 12 the girl cheats and you boot her.

[electric_sheep]

I'm more and more convinced that a solid understanding of a relationships phases is almost essential in making it work. At first I was skeptical that human relationships could be so easily generalized, so handily reduced to a few stages, but I had a revelation of sorts while reading over this link (http://www.relationship-institute.com/freearticles_detail.cfm?article_ID=153). It's uncanny just how accurately this describes the emotions and feelings I've been going through.

 

It doesn't describe them exactly, of course, but it's a useful guide. I think the various phases often co-exist together. There is not really an easily determined event or demarcation between one and the next. It's more like a gradual process, with a lot of overlapping. Thinking back on the last year though, I can think of a couple of events which seem to have acted as catalysts, and propelled me rapidly out of one phase into another.

 

After a long absence, I found myself checking back on the forums here (as is typically the case) due to a vague sense of unease with my relationship. In reading that article, I realized that what was happening is I was Re-evaluating. Re-evaluating is a painful process, partly because it seems to involve redefining what love and romance mean to us. A lot of the initial spark seems to be gone (due in large part to simple brain chemistry, I'm sure), and you might even start thinking you have fallen out of love. This can all be very depressing. Thinking about it now, I realize I still harbor some resentment over things that were said and done in the past. Forgiveness has to be one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to learn. I have no doubt resentment has probably broken up more relationships than just about anything else. It can settle in like a cancer, breeding sarcasm and cynicism, till you really just don't care anymore. Personally, I've noticed that along with all this re-evaluating I havn't been putting the same effort into things. I'm more likely to be an ass, and I no longer do a lot of the little sweet things I used to do.

 

I guess this re-evaluation phase is probably the most important phase of all. One has to try and (reasonably) figure out if this other person is worth the effort, and has the potential to bring you happiness. Or, would you be better off making the painful decision to look elsewhere ? That's a difficult decision to make.

 

My guess is the decision is so difficult that us humans have figured out how to make it indirectly.

 

Surely a lot of us are incapable of actually sitting down and rationally considering all this. Instead, the decision gets made slowely, over time, as we loose interest, act like an ass, stir up trouble, begin to look elsewhere, etc ... Or, if we decide they are worth it, we reaffirm our committment, and start to put forth the kind of effort and make the investments necessary for the relationship to thrive. If there is any point at all in thinking about these relationship phases, it is in so far as it helps us to understand what we are doing, and why.

[Sally00]

People go to the bathroom in front of each other? I personally wouldn't ever want to be at that stage. I mean, there needs to be a little mystery.

There IS mystery... there's no sex.

Is that enough mystery for ya? LOL

 

 

Anyways, I appreciate the comments.