rckt365 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 My current g/f has actually stated (and proven through her actions) on numerous occasions that, it's her life mission to make sure no-one (completely) understands her. Fortunately, because I'm somewhat the same I understand her without much effort but I'm wondering how exactly you build a relationship with someone so reluctant to let you in ? And why would she insist on hiding herself from someone who really cares about her ? (Even though she actively trys to hide it) I know she has pretty strong feelings for me, the most significant evidence of it was that she was quite emotional (crying) the last time we parted at the airport (it's a LDR) ... I've heard through the grapevine that she's thinking I might just be 'the one' for her ... I've read between the lines - the reason she's been so stressed lately and can't sleep is because of 'us' ... I know she wants to pursue something because of a bunch of factors, one of them being that she's completely rearranged her schedule just to come visit me half-way across the country and at a time when she can least afford it ... !? I put NO pressure on her at all because I've been in this type of relationship situation before - and that didn't turn out so well. So does anyone have any advice, so I can get it right this time around ?
Lisa32 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Why would you want to build a relationship with someone who won't let you in? That would mean, because you haven't been let it, it would be impossible for you to really know her...therefore, how could you really be in love with the person if you don't really know them? It's got to be the challenge. Love isn't supposed to be this complicated. It's supposed to naturally flow with someone you're compatable with. This relationship sounds like it's got too much drama, and it's just starting...too many ups and downs you're going to be going through in the future. Also, who says that? If she was really a person who didn't let people in...she wouldn't be aware of it, because it would be a subconscious internal wall that she put up, due to a great deal of pain from the past. This girl sounds like she's perfectly aware of her wall. People who usually say "I don't let people in" are really saying "Please come in and shut the door behind you." It sounds like it's the same thing, like when a girl says "I'm not looking for a serious relationship"...she really means "I want a serious relationship, but I'm only saying I don't, so you'll want me more."
Art_Critic Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Why would you want to build a relationship with someone who won't let you in? Word .. .. Lesson 1 - date available people
Author rckt365 Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 I certainly get the 'emotionally unavailable' idea, I've been accused of that same thing a LOT. I think the only successful dating relationship I've ever had was one where I just told the girl how I felt - plain and simple, because she was leaving in a few days (now or never - kind of thing) so NO qualms about letting her know how I felt about her - FIRST, regardless of how she felt (I didn't know nor did I care - either way). Am I the common denominator here? Do I give them glimpses of the guy they know (hope) that I am but nothing more? Hmmm ... maybe? When I think about my current girl, as to what I've given her to indicate how much I care about HER ... well ... it's not much, in fact my buddy's know more about that than she does ! When you factor in that she's shown me her tears, she's given me a homemade gift, she's told me that "... I like you a LOT ..." she's coming JUST to visit me, and has commented more than once "... as far as this topic (emotions, feelings toward her) goes ... I don't understand you at all ..." Could she be thinking "Why would I want to build a relationship with someone who won't let me in?" Ladies; how 'brave' , how willing would you be in her shoes ? Go ahead and give it to me - I need to know the truth, as you see it. Thanks
norajane Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 You can't build a relationship with someone who won't let you in, and you can't build a relationship if you won't let her in. If you show no affection in your actions, and if you don't tell her how you feel, then how is she supposed to be open to you and why would she be? What does she get out of a relationship with a cold fish? Since you're LDR, it's even more important to express your feelings, otherwise, she'll find someone who will.
Mirage222 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Been there done that... For me I "shut down" to the world because I was waiting for my long lost love to re=enter into my life. I never had closure with him therefore, anyone else I dated (which was many) could never up stand the "lost love" ... untill one day 4 years ago the lost love comes back into my life... now all my walls are down and it's a beautiful thing. Could this be something that your girl may be/or had been through?
Lisa32 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 RCKT... Just believe me when I tell you, when you find someone who's for you, it's not going to be complicated. You won't have to think THIS deeply into it. It won't be confusing, it won't be painful...you won't even have to write about it to get other people's opinions. It will be such a connection with this woman, that she'll become your best friend. It will flow so easily, it will shock the H E double hockey sticks out of you. It will be that someone you can rely on, tell anything to and who'll be there for you through thick and thin. It's really hard to explain if you've never felt it before, but trust me when I tell you it's worth waiting for. Then all your energy can be focused on making her happy, rather than trying to get her to open up...and all the crying and the headaches. All relationships do have their ups and downs...but not in the beginning. The beginning is the honeymoon phase and the easiest, most fun part of dating. Maybe this girl will open up eventually on her own, but it's up to her to decide whether she wants you in her life or not. If she wants you, then she's going to have to take a chance and give you the benefit of the doubt...and start opening up and working to keep you in her life. If she's playing little "come and get my emotions" game...then forget it. If she's already shedding tears with you, then she's not holding up an emotional wall. The head games aren't worth your time of day.
Author rckt365 Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 I like to think I express my feelings for her, to her, but maybe my actions are too subtle ? When I add up the times I've TOLD her I 'care' ? well ... that'd be a big fat ZERO. She's asked me a few times what went through my mind when I first saw her and my answer was "hmmmm...?" To which she responded "that's your answer?" I think I'm starting to seriously fall for her, but the thing is, SHE is the ONLY one that hasn't heard me say it. NOT good - hey? Mirage - as far as your scenario? MAYBE - but from what little she'll tell me about her past relationships, I'd say it's more about being disappointed in the guys, or maybe herself for 'falling' for him/them. Unless I'm completely imagining it, it really does seem like she WANTS to let me in (and has for the most part) - but is somehow terrified to let me ALL the way in. Possibly one of these past relationships REALLY scarred/hurt her. Would it be appropriate to ask her what it is that's worrying her so much about me/this time? Or skip that and just show/tell her how I feel about her?
Sand&Water Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Rckt365, My current g/f has actually stated (and proven through her actions) on numerous occasions that, it's her life mission to make sure no-one (completely) understands her. Yes. I do exactly the same thing. I shut people out of my life. Even the people I dearly love. She has reasons. You may not know what those reasons are, but they are reasons deeply and unhealth-ling engraved into her persona -her overall thought processess. I don't know the entire situation, or how the relationship is layed out. However, I can tell you that you must not overwhelm her with words or ideas or actions. You should take it one step at a time. Start small, in order to build a nurturing trusting relationship. That means, dminishing all or nearly all doubts. Keep in mind, she must be willing to move forward -to try to open her heart to you. She's just scared of the reprocussions. Sand&Water
Sand&Water Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Rckt365, When I add up the times I've TOLD her I 'care' ? well ... that'd be a big fat ZERO. Well of course, it is zero to her. Do you ask her for her opinion in regards to an entity/occurence? Do you initiate stimulating conversations with her, that allow for one-on-one sharing of experiences? Sand&Water
Author rckt365 Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Sand & Water; What do you mean by "...it is zero to her?" As in it means little to her to hear that I care or that I don't do it at all/very seldom is as bad as not doing it at all? So... Do I ask her opinion on things ? Hmmm ... good question, if you mean "how do you like that _____?" Then ummm ... boy I honestly can't remember ever doing that. The both of us are so like-minded about things most things just happen to come out "ohhh I like that ... so do I!" She's so vague with her answers with anything regarding her past - I often get the idea I shouldn't be asking - so I don't. Of course I've asked/know ALL about her family (their names, what her sisters and parents are doing now ...), where she grew up, why she took what she did in university, what her favorite - this or that is ... etc. The rare times that she's shared any detailed info. about her years growing up and or family (NEVER about her friends though)- after telling me the story she'd always comment "I can't believe I just told you all of that ... and I really can't believe you actually listened !" I love her stories and I'm sure I've told her so - many times. As far as stimulating conversations ? That's what MOST of our time together is about - actually. We've discussed in great depth, our beliefs on religion, politics, relationships, kids, marriage, psychology, phillosophy, art, the enviroment, life goals, life's lessons, astrology, and with pretty much ALL of it we agree. She has commented on the fact that 'small-talk' bores her to death, so our conversations are anything but simple. Should I be asking her opinion on more things? About her friends more (I don't even know their names - I ask about them and all she says in "my one friend ...")?
Sand&Water Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Rckt365, Do you very seldom tell her you care? It is best to tell her, as well as show her that you do strongly care. But, don't force it. Don't make it too overwhelming. Deliver it in small packages. Drops hints, strong hints I should say, that make her wonder -blossom her imagination. Surprise her. It also helps to ask for her opinion. If you haven't been following through with this, then you should start. Begin gradually, not constantly. And, don't forget to add humour in the mix. Sand&Water
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