Dating in your 30's...how many of you?

[db75]

Just curious how many of you are in your 30's and still single. I just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with a younger woman about 2.5 months ago. She's 25 now and I just turned 31. We had intentions for a long time to get married.

 

The relationship had been in decline for about a year. One of the reasons I allowed it to continue so long was because I was afraid to be single and in my 30's...if that makes any sense.

 

I felt like "I'm 31 years old, who the hell is gonna want me?" I felt like "I'm too old to have to be starting over again." I know this is a foolish way to look at things, but being 31 now I have a much clearer perspective as to what I'm really looking for in a relationship.

 

My greatest fear is that I'll never find a woman to spend my life with and that I'll grow old and die alone without ever having fulfilled my dream of having a family of my own. This fear is greater now being in my 30's but I won't give up on that dream.

 

Just looking for your thoughts on dating in your 30's.

[a4a]

Well since you are a man you don't have the clock ticking really to start a family.

 

31 is quite young.

 

You certainly do not want to settle for someone because you are old and need to hurry up and get married- then drag kids into the mix do you?

[littlekitty]

Never settle for less, or hurry into it simply because of your age!! I'm now officially off for the market for good, but that only happened for me at 29. I wouldn't have worried too much if I'd gone into my 30's still single and looking.

 

I think it's purely a stigma thing which makes us feel like if we aren't settled down and married with kids at 30 there must be something wrong with us!!

[db75]

Well since you are a man you don't have the clock ticking really to start a family.

 

31 is quite young.

 

You certainly do not want to settle for someone because you are old and need to hurry up and get married- then drag kids into the mix do you?

 

 

Certainly not. Like I said, my most recent relationship has really given me alot of perspective on what I want and more importantly what I deserve in a mate.

 

I guess alot of it is just seeing how much younger people used to get married, like my parents and grandparents did and thinking I should be too at this point.

 

That being said, I won't just settle for something less that I deserve soley for the sake of just getting married and having children.

 

While I'm not quite ready to date again, just seems like maybe dating is harder in your 30's than it was in your 20's in respect to being able to meet new people.

 

I'm excited about dating again yet dreading it at the same time.

[Art_Critic]

just wait till your 40's..

[db75]

just wait till your 40's..

 

I'm hoping I won't have to.

[serial muse]

just wait till your 40's..

 

yup. worrying about age is a self-fulfilling prophecy - it's the desperation and stress that are unattractive. the problem is one of expectation, as in - thinking that you're supposed to be x, y and z by this age. but the age is what it is.

 

and when you are in your 40s, you'll think nostalgically about how young you are now. not that that's easy to grasp at the moment, but even so, i'll go ahead and say the obvious thing: try to just relax and enjoy the ride. stop thinking ahead.

 

and by the way - gazillions of people start over at 31, and beyond. haven't you heard of the "starter marriage"?

[Brkn_Hrt_Bermuda]

It's not easy. We have more responsibilities and hence less time to devote to the exploration of a new partner.

 

I'm 37, she's 43. I am hoping this is the last person for me because she is incredible in all ways. Sometimes she is a bit confusing and a handfull, but I know that underneath is a really wonderful person.

 

And yes to you 20 somethings. Those of us in our 30s DO have more responsibilities. We are deeper into our careers, own homes, and sometimes have families to look after.

[db75]

yup. worrying about age is a self-fulfilling prophecy - it's the desperation and stress that are unattractive. the problem is one of expectation, as in - thinking that you're supposed to be x, y and z by this age. but the age is what it is.

 

I'm worried but not desperate. I know that whatever happens to me in the long run that I WILL be okay.

 

 

and when you are in your 40s, you'll think nostalgically about how young you are now. not that that's easy to grasp at the moment, but even so, i'll go ahead and say the obvious thing: try to just relax and enjoy the ride. stop thinking ahead.

 

 

It's funny you say that. I tell myself all the time to sit back, shut up and enjoy the ride and stop worrying.

 

 

and by the way - gazillions of people start over at 31, and beyond. haven't you heard of the "starter marriage"?

 

Seems to be something with my generation and being able to make a commitment. I see so many people around my age who are already divorced. Happy to say that I haven't had to experience a divorce and *fingers crossed* hopefully I never will.

[serial muse]

Seems to be something with my generation and being able to make a commitment. I see so many people around my age who are already divorced. Happy to say that I haven't had to experience a divorce and *fingers crossed* hopefully I never will.

 

conversely, you might think of it as people rushing into something without really thinking it through first, or feeling so anxious that they're supposed to get married thanks to external pressures...a good argument for being willing to relax and take your time.

[Lisa32]

I'm 36, a female and I live in New York City. It doesn't get much harder than that. The fact that you're 31 and a male, wondering if you'll ever get married, has just thrown me into shock. I just told a group of girls here at work what you asked. They all asked me what the punchline was. I finally convinced them that I believed you to be serious...and 3 girls here said they'd marry you. You're all set. They just can't believe there's even a single male aged 31 left on the earth...who wants to get married.

 

I've never heard a guy your age say that they were concerned about getting married. As a matter of fact, this guy I was just dating who's 32, just told me that he doesn't plan on getting married for a very very very long time, which sounds more normal to me, than what you're saying.

 

In other words...relax. Don't rush into something, until you're sure you've found the right person. Marriage isn't the beginning and end all of life, so don't use it at as a crutch or as a goal that you think will make you feel complete. You'll be surprised when you find out it's more work than you realize.

[db75]

conversely, you might think of it as people rushing into something without really thinking it through first, or feeling so anxious that they're supposed to get married thanks to external pressures...a good argument for being willing to relax and take your time.

 

I think that's the case alot of the time. I know now that me and my most recent ex, had we taken things to the next level would have almost certainly ended up getting divorced.

 

That being said, I'm really taking the time now to truly focus on myself. Over the years and several relationships later, I've found that I haven't always made the best choices for just me . I've always made the best choices for me and whomever I was with at the time.

[serial muse]

I'm 36, a female and I live in New York City. It doesn't get much harder than that.

 

yeah, i should add that the age thing - i think it is very different, city to city. where i was living last year was a smaller college town, and nearly everybody i knew over 30 was married. now i'm in a big city, and lots of people my age (men and women) are still single. it's just a different environment. i don't know where you are, db75, but i'd definitely keep that in mind. it's not at all unusual for 36-year-olds like lisa32 to be single in NYC. it's probably more the norm, in fact.

 

i dunno. i think people just really want to get things "squared away," and that creates so much anxiety. we're uncomfortable with open-endedness, and with imprecise forecasts for the future. we want to know what will happen and where we will be, and who with. but that need to get everything set up and arranged as soon as possible so we can get on with the business of day-to-day life doesn't always result in the best decision-making. IMHO. because day-to-day life is actually the point, not the end reward for finally getting it together.

[lovebug76]

I wouldnt worry about it, you know what you want know so go find it. I am getting ready to turn 30 myself and am actually looking forward to it.

 

They say life begins at 30, and still being single myself I hope they are right. I really want to meet the right person and get married on day too.

 

Hey what state do YOU live in??

[db75]

I'm 36, a female and I live in New York City. It doesn't get much harder than that. The fact that you're 31 and a male, wondering if you'll ever get married, has just thrown me into shock. I just told a group of girls here at work what you asked. They all asked me what the punchline was. I finally convinced them that I believed you to be serious...and 3 girls here said they'd marry you. You're all set. They just can't believe there's even a single male aged 31 left on the earth...who wants to get married.

 

I am an oddity, I will admit it. I'm young, attractive(or so I've been told) and a very nice guy(yes, also another oddity). I could go out and probably be "that guy" who just sleeps around, but that's simply not what I'm about. I honestly and truly want to get married and build a family. However, as I said before, it has to be with a woman who deserves me and all I have to offer and for that matter I have to deserve what that woman will have to offer.

 

 

 

In other words...relax. Don't rush into something, until you're sure you've found the right person. Marriage isn't the beginning and end all of life, so don't use it at as a crutch or as a goal that you think will make you feel complete. You'll be surprised when you find out it's more work than you realize.

 

I don't think of it as a crutch or anything like that. Just a dream and a goal I've always had, it's something I just truly want for myself.

 

I've spent alot of time in relationships and time single. Before my most recent girlfriend I was single for almost 3 years and I truly enjoyed the time. Guess I'm just a bit dissapointed and frustrated because for a time I thought I had truly found the person I had hoped for in my most recent ex.

 

I do know that I can't put too much pressure on myself or someone else for that matter in regards to marriage. If it happens it happens.

[db75]

I wouldnt worry about it, you know what you want know so go find it. I am getting ready to turn 30 myself and am actually looking forward to it.

 

They say life begins at 30, and still being single myself I hope they are right. I really want to meet the right person and get married on day too.

 

Hey what state do YOU live in??

 

 

Other than the recent break-up thus far my 30's have been pretty good. I'm enjoying it. You do start to look at things much differently than you did in your 20's. I live in VA by the way.

[db75]

yeah, i should add that the age thing - i think it is very different, city to city. where i was living last year was a smaller college town, and nearly everybody i knew over 30 was married. now i'm in a big city, and lots of people my age (men and women) are still single. it's just a different environment. i don't know where you are, db75, but i'd definitely keep that in mind. it's not at all unusual for 36-year-olds like lisa32 to be single in NYC. it's probably more the norm, in fact.

 

Where I currently live, there are basically no dating opportunities. This is one of the many reasons why I'm moving at the beginning of the year to a larger city within the state.

[norajane]

Where I currently live, there are basically no dating opportunities. This is one of the many reasons why I'm moving at the beginning of the year to a larger city within the state.

 

Move to the DC area. My sister lives there and says there are way more single women than men, and a lot of them are educated, attractive, independent women working good federal government jobs. You shouldn't have any problems dating there.

 

Plus, dating gets easier for men as they get older - the pool of women they're dating is also older and likely to be more self-aware, so they know want in a relationship and they're not out to just fool around.

[db75]

Move to the DC area. My sister lives there and says there are way more single women than men, and a lot of them are educated, attractive, independent women working good federal government jobs. You shouldn't have any problems dating there.

 

I was actually living on the very edge of the DC area with my ex. Due to our respective financial constraints once we split, neither of us could afford to live there any longer. In the meantime I've moved back to my old hometown which is a little more rural, which I absolutely hate. Living in the immediate DC area isn't out of the question in the future, but I've got somewhere just as nice in mind around the beginning of next year. Probably just as many dating opportunities where I'm headed.

 

 

Plus, dating gets easier for men as they get older - the pool of women they're dating is also older and likely to be more self-aware, so they know want in a relationship and they're not out to just fool around.

 

I certainly hope so. The age difference between me and my ex was a concern I had when we first started dating. While not a huge difference, her still being in her mid 20's and me in my early 30's played some role in our split. I really want to try to date women closer to my age when I get back into the dating pool.

[serial muse]

Move to the DC area. My sister lives there and says there are way more single women than men, and a lot of them are educated, attractive, independent women working good federal government jobs. You shouldn't have any problems dating there.

 

yeah, this is interesting. i've heard this statistic, too (i live in dc), but just to give the bigger picture, that gender gap varies a lot race by race - apparently the gap is widest in the african-american community (which is the majority here in dc), but is much smaller among other races. it's a bit of a mystery why that would be. apparently, census data shows that this is true in baltimore, too; it's not clear whether the younger african-american men are looking for jobs elsewhere or what. just odd.

[jerbear]

I am finding a job a large city like NYC & DC. DC is a job machine if you have education and a few years. If you can handle the politics and strange laws of the City of DC versus the surrounding areas.

 

I'm in DC for self improvement and scouting and so far I've met some very interesting older women.

 

Larger cities naturally have more people which improves one's chances of a mate. You'll also get some undesirables.

 

I'm in my 30's and yes it is a problem I'm encountering.

[alphamale]

My greatest fear is that I'll never find a woman to spend my life with and that I'll grow old and die alone without ever having fulfilled my dream of having a family of my own. This fear is greater now being in my 30's but I won't give up on that dream.

 

Just looking for your thoughts on dating in your 30's.

the longer a man stays single the more advantage he has over women in the dating world. when we're young, women have the advantage....when we're older men have the advantage. of course, this assumes that the man has some stuff to offer.

peace,

alpha

[lonelybird]

I am in my 30' now. still single, well in a LDR, sort of. Sometimes I have that fear too, sometimes woke up at midnight the fear climbed in. thought there must be something wrong with me, always choose to be in a LDR. But think back, if I married earlier in 20', probably I would be miserable. we are much different right now. So...if I can choose again, I still choose this way. and think I can choose better than before. no matter single or married, they are different experiences of life, and what we can do is making best of it. Now I am reading a book called the night of soul (Thomas Moore). It says the night or darkness are kind of gift, can make people more profounding, more all-around, more humanity...oh, maybe I am off topic now

[lone she-wolf]

Well, I'm 35, in a bigger city and have been no where close to dating in a LONG time, although I have tried MANY methods to achieve this. I'm good looking, well-traveled, educated (BA) and FUN.

 

One thing I would like to mention is that I have noticed that the available guys in my age group seem to go for the YOUNGER 20-something girls. This is something that depresses me often. Of course, I know that they would be better-off dating in their own age group, simply because women (and men) in their 30's hopefully have enough experience under their belt to have learned from their past mistakes......................BUT, from what I've noticed, when given the option, the 30-something men still lust after the younger "hard bodies" "fresh faces" "yet to be jaded" "girly-girl" in "juicy sweats" "catching the bus" "working at a coffee shop" TYPE.

Sorry.vent vent vent.

[Rooster_DAR]

I'm 41 years old and I have no problem with women. Of courese, I do have the advantage of genes that suggest I'm much younger than I actually am.

 

Age means nothing for men, unless you can't walk or hold you bladder anymore.