littlesoul Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Hello everyone. I am a 22 year old single female. I have just come out of a bad relationship where i was treated very badly. I have always gotten on well with my friendly hairdresser, we werent friends but always chatted when i got my hair done. The last couple of times we have been getting more "intimate" with our conversations. We talked quite in depth about his marriage and i spoke of my failed r/ship. We also have flirted with each other something chronic, there has been a significant amount of sex talk, there is an undeniable attraction. I know he is married and this is all wrong, but right now i am at a point in my life where i dont want a full on r/ship and something with this MM is all i am looking for. I feel guilty because he is married and everytime he has suggested we get together i tell him to go home to his wife, but he keeps on going on about spending time together. He called me today and i ignored his call, he said he would SMS me later to get together for coffee. I know it seems selfish but i have made up my mind that i am going ahead with this r/ship. I just want to know what am i in for as i have never had a r/ship with a MM before
will2power Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 wow, littlesoul, I can't imagine a better way to decrease your self esteem even more than being in a bad relationship where you've been treated badly. You are 22 years old. Focus on building a career and taking up some hobbies, going to school or going for more schooling? In fact, now that I'm out of the OW situation, I find that its so much better to be able to focus back on me and the things I like to do and I'm over a decade older than you are. You want to know what to expect? Expect to be a broken woman after having an R with this man.
PoshPrincess Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 You only have to read the posts on this site to see what you are letting yourself in for. Lots of heartache and misery is the way I see it. You sound like you've made your mind up that you are going to have an R with this man and all I can say is BE CAREFUL! Go into it with your eyes well and truly open. My honest thoughts would be to say "no, don't do it!" As I have said before, whoever said, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" obviously had never been in love with an MM/MW. When I was your age I had a few relationships with MMs and they went ok. Flings though really, certainly not EAs. I didn't even consider the poor W waiting at home. I had the awful attitude that if W couldn't keep her H happy then it was her fault. Something I am now so ashamed of plus, with age, have learned that this is not the case. Since this time I have had a couple of LTRs which I have learned a lot from. Unfortunately 13 months ago I became friends with an MM. We were only friends, where was the harm? But of course, I ended up falling head over heels in love with him as he with me and that's where it all gets complicated. Then a few months down the line W finds out and it all goes horribly wrong. Ours was, in the main, an EA rather than PA and it carried on for several months after she found out although got more and more difficult as time went on. A lot of tears were shed by both of us, not to mention W and kids. We both tried ending it thousands of times but neither of us had the strength to do it. We are now NC. He's gone back to his cozy little life (although still reckons he will leave 'one day' - yeah right!) and I am left alone to pick up the pieces I feel like my heart has been ripped out. As much as I love him with all my heart and know that he made me happier than any man I have ever met, I can honestly say that if I had the choice again, I would not have a relationship with him. I thought he was 'the one'. He was. But he was also someone elses. Despite him making me happier than I have ever been he is also the only person who has had the ability (albeit unintentionally) to make me feel so totally miserable. What does that tell you? As you will read on here, many of us are in therapy, on anti-ds etc. Serious head-f**k! Do you really want to end up feeling this way? Best of luck. Just make sure you're fully aware of what you're getting yourself into. And keep us posted!
Craig Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I just want to know what am i in for as i have never had a r/ship with a MM beforeQuite simply, you are in for a world of hurt.
Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 It's a really bad idea. You'll be sorry you did it. I promise.
dolphinlady59 Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 Well I'm new to this too and have posted once or twice but the responses I got were less than helpful for the most part... Be prepared to be very understanding. You will have dates cancelled on you at the last minute... Be prepared to be alone a lot unless you have many other friends that you can spend time with (I do!) because the time you two have together may be few and far between. Be prepared to not have a support system of good friends/family because they would not understand your choice to become involved with a MM... It's difficult when you're either very happy or very sad because you have to keep it all to yourself or come here and post and risk hearing things you don't want to hear. Also, be prepared to fall in love. You don't have any intention of doing it, you don't want to do it, you don't want the complications of a full-time relationship, but it does happen. The sex is always awesome! My MM and I have tons of things in common and actually spend quite a bit of time together outside the bedroom enjoying shared interests. Be prepared for lies or half-truths. My MM and I have an understanding that he does NOT talk to me about his wife or thier home life or anything to do with their relationship. I would rather NOT know than have him lie to me about it. It's a rollercoaster ride and the highs are the best thing in the world. I've yet to hit the bottom of the lows as like you I don't want a full-time relationship and for me right now, what I have with my MM is enough! I hope this is helpful...
BUTAFLY Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 If you go into this with expectations you will be disappointed i think. You will have to live with being 2nd. when all your friends are hanging out talking about their b/f or going out with guys ...your gonna feel cheap, because your relationship is in shame and its nothing to boast about. BUT if you go into it knowing this already...not to expect anything and not wanting anything, all I can say is keep your guard up because you may develop feelings and will want the game to change. One thing is for sure he won't change. The game is he's the slimmy cheating mm and your the peice on the side and you will need to learn to stay in your place.
NoIDidn't Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 When I was 21 my hairdresser was trying to get with me too! He was good looking and extremely talented with my hair and with a microphone. But I didn't bite. Don't fall in love. It will only complicate getting out of the mess that hasn't even started yet. You are only 22. So young. Your whole life ahead of you. Have you considered a single guy in a FWB arrangement? That's really all your hairdresser is offering you. BTW - I don't agree with the FWB arrangements either, but for those that can handle it and have no moral objections it just might work.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 If you're in it for the sex and the thrill of a one time tryst - great. If you're looking forward to a sincere relationship with someone that will show loyalty to you - forget it. He will never be there on holidays or to attend family weddings with you. I would also not count on gifts - expensive ones anyway unless he's wealthy. You must also consider his wife. Although you may think you don't have to - that it's his problem not yours - that's not true. What if you're caught? What if she's nuts? And if you love this guy - you should also worry about the inner conflict that he will experience. Not all guys are players and maybe he thinks this is true infactuation and he can handle it, but he may experience terrible guilt and feel very conflicted and unhappy. You may not want to do that to him either. Thank about it, it's not a decision to be taken lightly. I am 45 and will give you my wisdom of years. I had an affair that got very serious, and that even though my H never found out. I'm REAL sorry I did for all kinds of reasons - including what it did to the MM. Good Luck
norajane Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 When this ends...and it will, eventually and badly...you'll have lost a hairdresser and a friend as well as some more of your self-esteem. You'll have piled on a lot more guilt and you'll be even further away from being able to have a healthy relationship with someone else. That's what you can expect if you go down this road.
skeletonindacloset Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Having taken a stab at homewrecking I've come to a few conclusions. This may sound harsh but it feels even worse when it's happening to you. There's a word for folks like us, and it's not a good one. Ever been called a homewrecker by the one who's home your trying to wreck? It puts into perspective very quickly just how bad a thing it is that you're a part of. I was the "other man" for awhile and ya know what happened? I fell in love with the woman, things went badly, they got through it as a couple, and now I've managed to help make their relationship stronger by helping to create such a crazy hurdle for them to jump. But they did it and now things just seem to be getting better and better. They're buying a house, soon to be married, and they've got a little daughter now. At the risk of sounding a bit selfish, the last thing I thought when getting into this was that it would create a stronger bond between them. That's not what I was going for. I was trying to get her to myself and it blew up pretty darn bad. The bottom line is that if you're gonna cheat ya gotta be hardcore about it. You can't let your heart get into it. You have to know that you're just gonna be a piece of booty to this dude and that's how it's gotta be. Also let's think about the other people that are affected. He's got a wife. When you find someone do you want them to cheat on you? Probably not. Who would want that. My thought are'nt very well organized here. It's all kinda scattered I know, but doing this is gonna be bad for everyone. Karma can be a wonderful thing and it can also be one super bad thing as well. Just know that if you do this something bad is surely to come back to you. It's just how it goes. We're not on this earth to be mean people, insensitive people, who act only on our own behalf. Have some empathy for his wife. Does she know about this? How do you think she'd feel if she did? Words like "homewrecker" and "whore" are fun to use from time to time in a joking manner but when someone says it to your face and they're right, well, you probably won't feel very good about yourself. I know I didn't. Good luck with your decision.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 Awesome post Skeletoninacloset! Words like "homewrecker" and "whore" are fun to use from time to time in a joking manner but when someone says it to your face and they're right, well, you probably won't feel very good about yourself. I know I didn't. Good luck with your decision. I hope this makes sense to the original poster.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 First of all, the namecalling was unnecessary... Second, the homewrecker is the one who lives in the home...
erika2610 Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 First of all, the namecalling was unnecessary... Second, the homewrecker is the one who lives in the home... Nobody called anybody names. I'm thinking those were names she was called. I was also called those names. I have never been called anything so hurtful. My mother, my boss, my coworkers. And yes, I agree with your second statement, but unfortunately, most people see the OW as the homewrecker.
Freyja Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I think this is a bad idea. It will create alot of pain for you, the MM and especially he's wife. I just think morally it's totally wrong to go for someone whos taken even if they're making a pass at you. Those men are cheaters, would you want to be with a cheater? I think you would like to keep better standards then that. Also, please for once think about the wife. As a women you would never like to be betrayed by your loved one? If not, then why inflict it on someone else? You will always feel guilty and it will cause you pain. Finally forget the MM and his wife, think about yourself, do you really want to be in such a messed up relationship? You'll be the side dish for this person and it will hurt your self-esteem. I think if you're looking for a rebound relationship now go find a cute single guy, theres plenty of them out there and trust me you'll have more fun with them as they will be only yours and then even if you fall in love with them, theres more hope for you and your relationship. But please don't ruin another persons home by being with a married person. They're married, which means they're taken... so find someone available. This will save you a lot of heartache, guilt and loneliness.
SoleMate Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 MY advice: Find a new hairdresser - this one's already way over the double yellow line. Ask your girlfriends for consolation and sympathy. Make friends with some new, SINGLE men. Talk to them. Find one you really click with. Forget the MM sleaze. Pleaze! Or at least spend a month reading every OW/MM thread on this site and ask yourself which, if any, would be an improvement over what you life is like now.
Guest Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 First of all, the namecalling was unnecessary... Second, the homewrecker is the one who lives in the home... Homewrecker literally means "one who wrecks a home." It is a term that typically refers to a woman who sleeps with a married man, an act known as Adultery. Seriously get a dictionary and quit up holding your lifestyle as if you are an innocent bystander.
reneet Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 In the dictionary, there should be a picture of the MM as the HOMEWRECKER!
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 In the dictionary, there should be a picture of the MM as the HOMEWRECKER! Yes, and I hate to say it, but the OW is playing a part in his homewrecking, knowing full well that he's married, so it takes two to tango.
txwildorchid Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 I think that no matter what people may think about you doing this, you are still going to go ahead with your decision because you feel the need that you have to find out for yourself. Perhaps my 2 cents will make you stop and think. A couple of years back, I began an affair with a MM. One that I can say now, I am not proud of having and wish I could go back in time and have a do over. But, at that particular time, I wanted a "no strings" relationship with someone and thought it would be easier to have that type of relationship with a MM. MM had made it clear from day one that he would not under any circumstances leave his wife and that he just wanted some fun on the side. I told him that I understood and agreed and the affair began. I thought I could remain emotionally detached and handle it. I was wrong. As time went on, I became increasingly selfish and wanted more and more of his time, attention and affection, of which because of his marital status, he could not and would not give to me. I was forced to accept this whether I liked it or not and no matter how great the sex and communication was, I had to come to a decision to end the affair. I knew I was being unfair to myself but my concious was killing me, I couldn't stand what he and I was doing behind his wife's back. It was just plain wrong and I began feeling guilty as hell. I did a mental turning of the tables, I knew if I were married, I wouldn't want my husband having an affair on me. So, I finally made the decision to end the affair. My thoughts now regarding affairs are, no matter how well you try to mentally prepare yourself for something like an affair, you still never are and they are just not worth doing. You have to stop and ask yourself would you really be happy having to sneak around to see someone? Is your self-esteem so low that you don't think that you could find someone else that would really make you happy? Would you really be happy with just casual encounters? What does that say about what type of person he is? He obviously would not ever make a solid commitment to you because he can't even stay commited to his wife. Would you really want to end up with someone like that? I suggest that you find new interests, hobbies, etc., and, while your doing that, find yourself a new hairdresser!
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2006 Posted September 22, 2006 thought I could remain emotionally detached and handle it. I was wrong. As time went on, I became increasingly selfish and wanted more and more of his time, attention and affection, of which because of his marital status, he could not and would not give to me. Anybody who thinks that this won't happen is fooling themselves. It's a natural thing that happens when a relationship progresses and grows. Problem is obviously, the MM isn't capable of filling in those needs for OW. It's going to be on HIS terms and when HE has time.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 23, 2006 Posted September 23, 2006 Homewrecker literally means "one who wrecks a home." It is a term that typically refers to a woman who sleeps with a married man, an act known as Adultery. Seriously get a dictionary and quit up holding your lifestyle as if you are an innocent bystander. Seriously guest, think out of the box...I know exactly what the term refers to, I have two graduate degrees...i guess it takes higher order thinking skills to understand what I was getting at...it seems everyone else understood what I was saying... As for holding up my lifestyle, I don't need to do that...someone posts their thoughts, I post mine...
erika2610 Posted September 25, 2006 Posted September 25, 2006 Seriously guest, think out of the box...I know exactly what the term refers to, I have two graduate degrees...i guess it takes higher order thinking skills to understand what I was getting at...it seems everyone else understood what I was saying... As for holding up my lifestyle, I don't need to do that...someone posts their thoughts, I post mine... Sometimes it doesn't matter what kind or how many degrees you have. Yes, some other people understood what you were saying.. but no offense to anybody, they were OW. OW are not going to own up and say 'Yes, I am a homewrecker!'. The MM and OW are both to blame for that.
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