Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I am just amazed to see how selfish the OW/OM are!! When you say " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? How do you think the spouse feels when they find out? Well my spouse cheated on me. And boy does it ****ing hurt. We are back together but i still have thoughts pop up in my head sometimes. All i can say is yeah it takes two but come on this person is taken!!! GEt some morals!!! I have no pity for you guys!! And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife.
PoshPrincess Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I am just amazed to see how selfish the OW/OM are!! When you say " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? How do you think the spouse feels when they find out? Well my spouse cheated on me. And boy does it ****ing hurt. We are back together but i still have thoughts pop up in my head sometimes. All i can say is yeah it takes two but come on this person is taken!!! GEt some morals!!! I have no pity for you guys!! And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife. Sorry 'guest' but we're not asking for your pity! We all on here for advice (whether it's what we want to here or not) and to share our thoughts and feelings with like-minded people. I'm sure it's not always the case but some of us DO think about the spouse. This is one of the things that gets me through NC and feeling like ****e. I put myself in her shoes and think that if I feel this bad about MM then God knows what she must be going through. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I should've thought about this before getting involved. We were friends first and fell for each other big time. Not trying to justify my actions but you can't help who you fall in love with. Of course, I have no idea what goes on in their home; I only have his word. For all I know she may not love him anymore either. With regards to your comment about them ALWAYS going back to W/H. Well, that just isn't true. I know at least two people (one a very good friend) who are having happy marriages with their MM so it can have a happy ending. Of course, you are perfectly entitled to your opinion.
Adunaphel Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Matter-of-factly, people are selfish - if your partner was selfish enough to cheat on you, you can't be really surprsed with OW being selfish toward people they have never met. Been briefly an OW, never ever going to be one again (hopefully) and yes, I could have used some morals. I have no pity for you guys!! It's not like you should. Sorry to know that you were cheated on.
will2power Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I am just amazed to see how selfish the OW/OM are!! When you say " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? How do you think the spouse feels when they find out? Well my spouse cheated on me. And boy does it ****ing hurt. We are back together but i still have thoughts pop up in my head sometimes. All i can say is yeah it takes two but come on this person is taken!!! GEt some morals!!! I have no pity for you guys!! And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife. Guest, sorry for your pain... I can see how it is very hurtful when someone you love and trust cheats on you. I don't think any of us here are looking for pity. Most are here for advice, some of us are here to give it, and there are some (like you) who just need to vent about the pain of being on the other side. You and your spouse are back together. Its good that you guys are trying again. I wish you both all the best. I don't know if I agree that 'they always ALWAYS go back to the h/w' portion of your post. I know that my MM and I both went back to our spouses only 1/2 a year later to split with them again. I think its often that the MM/MW always returns to the spouse, but they often find that there was a reason for the infidelity. What are you and your H doing to find out what was going on between you both before the A? As for a person being taken, do you see your H as your property? I never looked at my stbxh as taken or that I owned him. He made a promise to stay faithful to me and I made the same promise to him. I just didn't keep it to the extent that I intended and I expected him to try his best with keeping that promise to me. Does that mean I have loose morals? I guess when most people look at me and what I've done, they would judge the situation and say that I do have loose morals... but I think that's addressed in another thread already.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Guest: I am sorry for your pain and bitterness. You are here lashing out at OW when I think you need to really turn that back to the person most responsible (pain & bitterness) for it: YOUR HUSBAND. I think that if you are not already in MC, you & your H should definitely go.
reneet Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I am just amazed to see how selfish the OW/OM are!! When you say " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? How do you think the spouse feels when they find out? Well my spouse cheated on me. And boy does it ****ing hurt. We are back together but i still have thoughts pop up in my head sometimes. All i can say is yeah it takes two but come on this person is taken!!! GEt some morals!!! I have no pity for you guys!! And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife. I totally disagree with your PS!!!! The Always go back... Don't think so!!
a4a Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I totally disagree with your PS!!!! The Always go back... Don't think so!! Don't think so or really hoping that they don't? Man that would be so hard to deal with not sure how anyone could just allow another to have that much power and control over my life and future. Hope and trust are one thing but if it blows up and they go back to their spouse it must be one hell of a terrible feeling.
reneet Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Don't think so or really hoping that they don't? Man that would be so hard to deal with not sure how anyone could just allow another to have that much power and control over my life and future. Hope and trust are one thing but if it blows up and they go back to their spouse it must be one hell of a terrible feeling. No hoping! He doesn't want stbx wife & she doesn't want him back either.
a4a Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 No hoping! He doesn't want stbx wife & she doesn't want him back either. I meant in general...... not your specific case.
Owl Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 you can't help who you fall in love with Not picking a fight, but of course you can help who you're falling in love with. It's easy...married people who DON'T get involved in affairs do it all the time. You do it by setting boundaries for yourself. I've met any number of women that I've been attracted to. Physically, emotionally, etc... Knowing that, I make sure that I never spend any time with them in any situation that could lead to trouble. I don't give anything a CHANCE to start. And the moment you feel those feelings START with someone they shouldn't (i.e...they're married...or YOU'RE married)...END contact with them immediately. BEFORE things get out of hand. This is how the people who don't cheat avoid it. Everyone is tempted...given fact. But by avoiding the situations that lead to the temptation, you avoid the problem. Real life example from my own situation. I met a lady playing online games that seemed pretty fun, and started gaming with her quite a bit. But...once I realized that things were going where they shouldn't, I ended my time with her completely. I didn't explain why, simply let her know that I needed to be doing other things. And quit gaming for a while. Avoided the whole possibility of a problem there. Guess what? Three months later my wife began an online relationship with a guy in that same game. Didn't have boundaries in place...didn't take steps when things got out of hand...do a search for my thread if you want all the detail. The only difference between us was how I handled the situation. I CHOSE who I wanted to be in love with...the woman I'd been with for 17 years. Again, not an attack on you friend. Just outlining my thoughts on your comment.
Autumns Genevieve Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I am just amazed to see how selfish the OW/OM are!! When you say " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? How do you think the spouse feels when they find out? Well my spouse cheated on me. And boy does it ****ing hurt. We are back together but i still have thoughts pop up in my head sometimes. All i can say is yeah it takes two but come on this person is taken!!! GEt some morals!!! I have no pity for you guys!! And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife. I'm new here, Guest, but I've been involved with infedelity for a long, long time. Both as a betrayed wife, and as a "other woman". As a wife who was cheated on after just having lost a child, and still pregnant with that child's twin, I endured my husband's affair, right before my eyes, and lived with the misery. It took me a long, long time to get completely over it, and I'm probably still not over it all the way. I can't tell from your post if you were betrayed, or perhaps feel badly for someone you know that has been betrayed, but if you are that spouse, please know that there are two things that can and will help: education and time. Educating yourself on the whys of infedelity and the preventions of infedelity can take some of the focus off your razor sharp pain, and help you to understand the logistics of the betrayal. Whether your marriage stays intact or not, understanding why affairs happen and how to keep them from happening, is a good and useful tool. Time is just something that has to play out. The only relief I got from my husband's affair was just time. As the months and years passed, I felt alot better about it. But I tell ya, a mistake I made early on, was that I bought into the notion that if I stayed angry, I would "get it out of my system". That's not the way anger works. Anger feeds on more anger. It doesn't finally get used up like gasoline in your car; it just makes more anger, like rabbits. So becareful with the anger. With the lashing out. The best way to keep from getting angry and out of control (if you are struggling with this at all - I know I did) is to either ignore your anger (distract yourself), or use it constructively. Work out. Run around the block 40 times. Throw baseballs at the fence. This formula is helpful: emotional anger + emotional anger = more emotional anger; physical anger + physical anger = exhaustion. As an OW, however, I can honestly say, I didn't always feel good about what I was doing, and I did think of his wife. A lot. It was a selfish time in my life that I'm not proud of, but I think the greater crime comes in a person never "getting it". People screw up, Guest. You've never made a mistake in your life? Perhaps you've never had an affair, but who's to say you've never lied, cheated (in other ways), hurt someone or committed a crime? Affairs are awful, it's true. And usually, they end badly. But a lot can be said for relating. We are all flawed people. None of us are perfect. When we examine someone who has hurt us, and then place ourselves beside them with our own faults uncovered, a truly amazing thing can happen: we learn to sympathize and better yet, we learn to understand. I can just tell you, from the OW's point of view, that OWs are regular people. We eat, we sleep, we feel pain, we laugh, we have sex, we get cut off in traffic, we experience loneliness, jealousy and everything else a normal person feels and experiences. We're not the spawn of Satan. It might be scary for betrayed spouses to understand these things. I learned quickly that my OW wasn't this blonde bombshell, porn star, magnificently talented lover. She just was....there. When my husband decided he needed somebody other than me. As a betrayed wife, what is it we fear most? That the OW is better than us. As a betrayed wife, it's good to know, she's not. She's just...different. I found more "revenge" with getting to the bottom of understanding why my husband cheated. Digging for the truth of the matter is very rewarding. And in many cases, very hard to swallow, once you reach that truth. But it is freeing. Absolutely freeing. Yet, rest assured, Guest, and I write this gently, the OW does feel all these things you mention in this post. And more. Probably worse. The things we say to ourselves hurt much, much worse than anything anyone else could ever say to us.
BUTAFLY Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 " Oh i am just soooo in love..... how could this person do this to me.....it hurts sooo bad. WTF!!! Do you not put yourselves in the spouse's place? What does another women loving your husband affect your relationship? or is it that he loves her back that is the problem? if another women told me she loved my husband...i would tell her she had good taste but would not fret because I know he would have the commom since not to act on it. Sorry if your husband didn't. And p.s they ALWAYS ALWAYS Go back to the husband/wife. The wife/husband know's what they can & can not get away with and they base their choice to have the affair on that. So of course your back together. He/She knew that was the liklihood. Congrats
BUTAFLY Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I just read owls' post. This is a good example of what a normal man in love would do. He declined advances by a women how showed interested in him. He had the character to decline her advances and made the choice to be faithful to his wife. That's love ladies It kills me when BS's get on their high horse and brag that after their husband has slept with every Sally and Jane that blinks at him, he goes running back to the wife. Thats Not something to be proud of.
lovernotafighter Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 my MM also knows no matter what he does his W will always take him back and if found out blame the OW, we have already been through that talk...it's a given. So when he finally leaves (which will happen,just not with me but on his own terms and time..)he won't be going back. I feel just like AG here...I have been on both sides of the fence and so far it has been far more terrible as the OW than when I was BS... I feel like a monster, and as often as Ive tried to stop everything it's a insanely difficult process. guest I do feel bad for your pain, but blaming the OW for your problems will only prolong them and ignoring real issues will only cause more of the same problems in the future...I'm sorry, truly I am.
Guest Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I think that BS should be able to sue the OW/OM when they enfringe on their marriage. I am sure people would start to think twice before starting an affair with someone else's spouse at that point. People don't understand morals, vows and general respect for other people. What they do understand is their bottom line - money.
NearlyThere Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I think that BS should be able to sue the OW/OM when they enfringe on their marriage. I am sure people would start to think twice before starting an affair with someone else's spouse at that point. People don't understand morals, vows and general respect for other people. What they do understand is their bottom line - money. Surely it should be the MM/MW, not the OW, who should be sued, after all they are the ones who are breaking the marriage contract.
whichwayisup Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 Surely it should be the MM/MW, not the OW, who should be sued, after all they are the ones who are breaking the marriage contract. The OM/OW should be sued as well. They are not an innocent bystander, they're the ones who are helping the MM/MW cheat on their spouse. Consquences are a beyotch eh?
NearlyThere Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 The OM/OW should be sued as well. They are not an innocent bystander, they're the ones who are helping the MM/MW cheat on their spouse. Consquences are a beyotch eh? Not too sure if I agree with the OM/Ow being sued as well. However, I agree, they are not innocent bystanders, the consequences are a beyotch, to be sure, you do the crime, you do the time, if your caught.
pricillia Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I think that BS should be able to sue the OW/OM when they enfringe on their marriage. I am sure people would start to think twice before starting an affair with someone else's spouse at that point. People don't understand morals, vows and general respect for other people. What they do understand is their bottom line - money. That is not true that they do not have morals or understand vows... You are contradicting yourself, why would the BS sue the OW/OM then all they care about is money themselves and the relationship that they have with husband wife means nothing. You can not judge until you walk a mile in someone elses shoes... but you are entitled to an opinion.
Guest Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I have to agree with Guest. When I was single I was approached by MM and declined b/c I believe in having loyalty to my fellow women. As a MW I have been approached by MM and SM and declined b/c I believe I owe loyalty to my spouse. Then he cheat on me. I am just as angry at the OW as I am at him. They both had no right to do what they did. Period.
Freedom Now Posted October 2, 2006 Posted October 2, 2006 I have been reading posts here for a long time and it is the never ending battle of who is to blame in the affair. The MM and the OW are to blame. I was an OW and I assume responsibility for my actions as does my MM. And, no...I didn't know he was married when we started dating. I found out much later. I think there are a host of reasons why affairs start and why the WS stays after the affair is discovered. I am sure it isn't a simple thing even though it appears that others are quick to simplify the nuances of the affair and the very complicated reasons why he chooses to stay AFTER the affair. The simple fact is this: NO ONE but the people involved understand the complexities of the affair. Nothing is simple in these relationships. It is two imperfect people who cause and endure a great deal of pain. No need to sue anyone. People make mistakes. Everyone involved gets hurt. Period.
stoopid_guy Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 I think that BS should be able to sue the OW/OM when they enfringe on their marriage. I am sure people would start to think twice before starting an affair with someone else's spouse at that point. People don't understand morals, vows and general respect for other people. What they do understand is their bottom line - money. Yeah! Yeah! And wives should be able to sue impotent husbands! And husbands should be able to sue frigid wives! And everybody should be allowed to sue the jerk that drives too slow in the fast lane! That'll teach them a lesson!
pricillia Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Yeah! Yeah! And wives should be able to sue impotent husbands! And husbands should be able to sue frigid wives! And everybody should be allowed to sue the jerk that drives too slow in the fast lane! That'll teach them a lesson! Thanks Stoopid _guy!
stoopid_guy Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Thanks Stoopid _guy! Answer stoopidity with stoopidity! Your welcome.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 3, 2006 Posted October 3, 2006 Not picking a fight, but of course you can help who you're falling in love with. It's easy...married people who DON'T get involved in affairs do it all the time. You do it by setting boundaries for yourself. I've met any number of women that I've been attracted to. Physically, emotionally, etc... Knowing that, I make sure that I never spend any time with them in any situation that could lead to trouble. I don't give anything a CHANCE to start. And the moment you feel those feelings START with someone they shouldn't (i.e...they're married...or YOU'RE married)...END contact with them immediately. BEFORE things get out of hand. This is how the people who don't cheat avoid it. Everyone is tempted...given fact. But by avoiding the situations that lead to the temptation, you avoid the problem. Real life example from my own situation. I met a lady playing online games that seemed pretty fun, and started gaming with her quite a bit. But...once I realized that things were going where they shouldn't, I ended my time with her completely. I didn't explain why, simply let her know that I needed to be doing other things. And quit gaming for a while. Avoided the whole possibility of a problem there. Guess what? Three months later my wife began an online relationship with a guy in that same game. Didn't have boundaries in place...didn't take steps when things got out of hand...do a search for my thread if you want all the detail. The only difference between us was how I handled the situation. I CHOSE who I wanted to be in love with...the woman I'd been with for 17 years. Again, not an attack on you friend. Just outlining my thoughts on your comment. I agree here completely, you can help who you fall in love with. If you are in a comitted relationship, you establish boundaries. If you allow yourself to be open to falling in love, it's probably going to happen.
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