RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Every time hubby and I get into an argument, I wonder if we will grow old together. Is this normal? How about you?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Every time hubby and I get into an argument, I wonder if we will grow old together. Is this normal? How about you? I was like that in the beginning of my relationship with my H. But not any more. There is no doubt in my mind that unless I leave my H, he won't be leaving me. RP, My suggestion is when you argue, do not take his comments or the situation personally. Understand that it is only a moment of 'black clouds' and that it will pass. Your H loves you and you know that you love him. So why would you not grow old together??? Another thing that I've learned about my H in my 10 years of marriage is how HE fights. I know why he's doing all that (raising his voice, criticising me on other things, etc.) and he really does NOT understand what those actions have on ME. Men are not very atuned to the volume of their voices or the effects that does to a woman. When my H raises his voice, I'd remind him calmly that he is raising his voice. He'd lower it - and we wouldn't need to proceed to a a 'fight'. Stop it before it starts or simply don't become an accessory to his need to fight. The key is: don't take all of his words to heart, especially if they are unpleasantly said.
cld24 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Luckily we have yet to get into a bad argument. So far all me and my hubby have are disagreements where we both listen to each others point and agree to disagree most times. Ok and there is the occasional time when I realize I'm wrong and will actually admit it. We have talked about it and know one day we will have real arguments but we will work everything out. It will be so nice when I can say 10 years!! But i'm not rushing the time, enjoying every little second.
Author RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Thank you for your reply. The key is: don't take all of his words to heart, especially if they are unpleasantly said.The thing is he doesn't say anything that makes me feel like HE would leave me (he did at the beginning, but he stopped long time ago plus I don't take his stubbornes or spitefulness seriously). I just think to myself: "I don't need this crap and maybe some day..." Right now it's his family that pisses me off (for a long time already): his brother and sister-in-law, their 3 children, my father-in-law and his wife. They all hate me for no reason and I just want them off my back. They all live very close (his brother lives next door) and I have no intention to kiss their asses so that they can like me. I was good to all of them and they rejected me. SO I don't like THEM! Hubby protects me from their crap, argues with them, and never complains about anything that I've done or said, but they are still his loved ones... I don't want to be around them and he wants me to give them a chance. A chance to spit on me and ignore me! They turn their heads away from me and tell me how bad I am. Most of it is based on lies or things that are not bad at all or have nothing to do with them. E.g they complain about my husband taking care of the kids when we're out or me making "tasteless" jokes or me offering booze to their 15-y.o. daughter (big, fat lie!), me not watching my kids while playing outside (they never watch theirs), me not bringing a cake in their house (when we did), and stuff like that... you get the picture. Our argument this morning was about me wanting to spend Rosh Hashannah with my mother-in-law (his mother) while he wants to spend it with his brother and SIL and a few other friends and didn't even tell me we were invited. I said "NO!" I don't want to be with people who watch my every move and ignore me. I want to spend at least one holiday with the person who has accepted me and my kids with open arms. Ugh... I just want that crap out of my mouth! :sick: See now why I get these thoughts? I have a few goals in life and one of them is to make a lot of money and buy a house (or a condo) far away from this area (at least 50 miles). Then I can tell him: "You can join me if you want!"
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I don't want to be around them and he wants me to give them a chance. A chance to spit on me and ignore me! They turn their heads away from me and tell me how bad I am. Most of it is based on lies or things that are not bad at all or have nothing to do with them. RP, I grew up with aunts and uncles that are just like that. They were so mean and nasty to me - even though I was only 10. (Then our family moved to the US.) Even now, I won't visit them. I don't understand why your H forces you to be in their company when he knows that you don't get along!! That just shows how insensitive he is. Get a 3rd party as a mediator in this, so that you may choose to not go their place or have anything to do with them. Another trick is to pretend that you got sick or something. I'd hate to be forced to be pleasant and nice to people I don't get along with. But that has happened every now and then. Sometimes, you can't win all battles. So if you must see these people again, bring a thick book and read it the whole time you are there. Pretend to be enjoying the occassion, but make it clear that you do not enjoy them - without offending your H, of course. Look exceptionally classy and look at them with a sneer - and I think you won't be invited again, ever.
Author RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 You really do know how it feels, huh! I like your brain a lot! The book idea is good indeed. First I want to avoid their company and remove myself from the snake nest. I think I owe this much to myself, I think I owe hubby nothing after what they put us both through (he gets the bites on his neck, too!), and you're right about him forcing me etc. Very insensitive of him. Secondly, I want to show them that I don't care about them and don't need them. They expect from me to come there and try to give my best to look classy and behave etc. If I ever have to be in their company, on the contrary, I will be as rude as possible. There was a singer who, when she wanted to show disrespect toward her audience, she would show up with no make-up and in sweats. She knew they would criticize her style, but she didn't care what the cockroaches would think about her. I was disappointed too cuz she actually did this to MY former city - the famous, beautiful Anna Oxa. She did it out of political motives. So if I have to show up somewhere I will go in jeans and no make up and NOT help them in the kitchen (don't care about the impression I make) and read something, yawn, and act like I am bored and annoyed. Thanks a bunch for the idea! I principally don't want to use a mediator as if my hurt feelings are not a good enough reason to respect my wish to isolate myself from them. I do have my mom-in-law as a backup and they know it. About sick.. I have heard that if you eat raw potato, you'll get fever. That would be a good excuse to NOT show up there... but show up at my MIL's door! Anyway, my point was: is there any hope for our marriage with all this crap? They ARE his family after all. Other than this we don't have any problems.
johan Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I'll be your last one, RecordProducer. I'm just waiting for you to realize it. Waiting and waiting and waiting...
Great Gazoo Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 About sick.. I have heard that if you eat raw potato, you'll get fever. That would be a good excuse to NOT show up there... Who told you that If you told me that I wouldn't believe it, I have ate raw potatoes and never get sick unless your talking about eating them before you even wash them or peel them, then you could get sick:sick: I think there is always hope but it wont be easy. Thats why there is that saying blood is always thicker than water. It depends how much sh*t you can put up with because like you know it ain't going away.
Author RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 I'll be your last one, RecordProducer. I'm just waiting for you to realize it. Waiting and waiting and waiting...Only if you have no family nearby! Who told you that If you told me that I wouldn't believe it, I have ate raw potatoes and never get sick unless your talking about eating them before you even wash them or peel them, then you could get sick:sick: You've eaten raw potaoes? Mashed or in a salad?
Great Gazoo Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 You've eaten raw potaoes? Mashed or in a salad? Both but you need a good 12 oz hammer to mash them When my wife is peeling them getting ready to cook them I will steal one out of the pot, it makes her day
Author RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 I have a few ideas! 1. I'll "help" them in the kitchen and spill a whole package of laxative in the soup! Geez, I would really do that just for fun now that I am trying to joke about it. 2. I won't stop talking and I'll talk about my kids all the time: how well they do at school, how cute they are, how they fall asleep, brush their teeth, ride their skates, what they eat, what they drink, how they poop, what were the first words they said, and of course, how smart they are (take it after their mommy cuz their father is kinda dumb! ). Oh, I can read them my kids' songs too: "Spiderman attacks, boom, boom, boom, the city is saved, the bad guys are killed, boom, boom!" Then I'll show them their drawings. Then I'l talk about all my medical problems (starting since I was age 2 through my tonsil surgery, my lower back pain and leg swelling during my pregnancy, my ingrown hair on my labia majora, my cuts druing shaving)... altogether another favorite subject of conversation! 3. Then I'll talk about how hubby and I met and everything was great... until I met his family... but hey not everything is perfect in life... 4. Then I'll ask them how they want to be buried... and if they say they don't know, I'll rush them to make up their minds cuz you never know . Seriously, I just want them out of my life and I honestly don't care what they think of me. They are just a bunch of asses and boneheads.
justice Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 The laxative idea works really great. Hehehe. My inlaws and I don't get along either, especially since I found out that they helped cover for my hubby's infidelity last year. Laxative definately makes them not think about hating you for a few hours. *Winks, yeah I did it* and it was satisifying.
jmargel Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 RP my suggestion would be to write them a letter and then giving it to them. It's a way for you to get your feelings/points across without getting into an agruement with them. However it maybe best just to not interact with them. That is how it is with my wife's father. You husband needs to know the severity of what is going on and use his power to either put an end to all of this or to make it a point to keep you seperated from the people you are having problems with.
Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 At some point, if 'everybody' hates you, you need to realize it's not about them.
sumdude Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 RP this sounds all to familiar with me being in your husbands position and my wife in yours. My sister treats my wife poorly and my brother annoys her. My mother passed away a few months ago but thier relationship wasn't super either. The big issue is really my sister though, my wife wants nothing to do with her at all. Can't say that I blame her. So there needs to be some sort of firm agreement made between you and your H about all this. Time to sit down at the table and cut a deal. Once in a blue moon maybe you should agree to 'take one for the team' as long as there are clear lines as to what you will or will not take from them. He also needs to know for sure that it's only on 'very special occasions' that you will do this for him and that's final. Certain holidays or something but say that otherwise you're not willing to see them on a regular basis and calmly explain your reasons. Though I admit that seems next to impossible with them next door. You might have to force the issue at some point to move at least a few miles away. Be a bigger and better person than they are being since they don't deserve your company anyway. Your acting out willl only reinforce thier behavior and allow them to feel justified in their actions and you don't want to give them that pleasure do you?
a4a Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 In most cases if you have multiple people that dislike you there is usually a reason for it. You cannot simply say well that one person has issues and that is why she/he hates me. My guess is that they probably did not approve of the marriage to start with and think of you as using your husband....... guessing here but could be. This is not a problem that could not be solved if you figure out the reason why they dislike you so.
FredTravels Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 For a high grade fever chew chalk--it will run you up to 104 105 for a few hours and then bring you back to normal. Needs about 15 minutes after you eat it--bummer is that you have to chew it to make it work. Your goal in life is to afford a house 50 miles away from youur husband and to tell him to come join you if he likes? Sounds like you are setting the marraige up for failure from the get go
Moose Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 The true problem lies in the fact that your husband doesn't understand what a marriage actually is. He should leave his family, and concentrate on his own.....
CynicalP Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Every time hubby and I get into an argument, I wonder if we will grow old together. Is this normal? How about you? It seems so much easier back in the day when a couples 'married until death do us part' meant a life expectancy into their forties or fifties. Arguments are par for the course of life. Each individual has different wants and desires coupled with power and control issue and wahla people tend to argue. Since my wife and I are both non confrontational individuals we rarely argue and one of us will cave in just to avoid a continual arguement. I guess I consider that a plus considering I watched my Mom and Dad constantly bicker themselves to death. No lie, while my father laid in a hospital bed, his last words to my Mom were Shut up then he died. Only in death did he get in the last words. They were married for over fifty years.
sumdude Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 For a high grade fever chew chalk--it will run you up to 104 105 for a few hours and then bring you back to normal. Needs about 15 minutes after you eat it--bummer is that you have to chew it to make it work. Your goal in life is to afford a house 50 miles away from youur husband and to tell him to come join you if he likes? Sounds like you are setting the marraige up for failure from the get go Well my wife did the whole fake an illness, yawn, be rude on purpose etc. etc. game and all it did was make me lose some respect for her. It's childish behavior. We had to confront the issue like adults and work out a solution while explaining our sides. It took some time and is still a work in progress but that's marriage isn't it? As far as moving it seems like that has to happen at some point. Living next door to the in laws could be a bit much for anyone.
littlekitty Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Originally Posted by RecordProducer Every time hubby and I get into an argument, I wonder if we will grow old together. Is this normal? How about you? I feel certain that my SO and I will spend the rest of our lives together. In fact I was musing the other day over how even when we do argue, I never feel concerned that he's about to up and leave me, or that we won't work it out. It's the first time I've been really secure in a relationship to that point. I know I can let him walk out to calm down, safe in the knowledge that he'll come back. Not because he has to, but because he loves me. It's an amazing feeling. I feel so lucky to feel so secure and happy.
blind_otter Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 The true problem lies in the fact that your husband doesn't understand what a marriage actually is. He should leave his family, and concentrate on his own..... I agree with Moose. These things happen all the time and it's his responsibility to manage his family. Leave and cleave, baby. Leave and cleave. Leave the old family, cleave to the wife. It just solves a lot of unnecessary complications.
FredTravels Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 First, I was not condoning getting sick--just mentioning a way to do it--worked really well for me in college and high school. I may have midread her post about moving. I did not take it as moving the family away, but more of HER moving away and saying ok here I am come to me if you want me otherwise don't. RP any input or clarification?
Author RecordProducer Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Thank you very much for your replies, you were really helpful, guys. I won't play any games, I will deal with this situation in the most mature way I can. I'll find a way to talk to my husband. a4a, to answer your question, the BIL started ignoring me literally from day one. I was friends with the SIL just to find out that she has gossiped everywhere about me behind my back. I have asked hubby what I've done to deserve this treatment and he said I've done nothing wrong. When I've been all sweet to them, they have been worst to me. They make up lies about me and complain about things like my sense of humor or why hubby takes care of my kids. My husband would be the first to tell me if I did or said something wrong. BIL has ditched his own mother because of SIL. And my husband has basically cut her off, too. I know the reasons from both sides, and without going deeper into it, the MIL is completely innocent. Besides, you don't cut your own mom off because your wife is a bitch. Husband told me at the beginning of this saga that his family knows that if they don't like his wife, they are out. I think he realizes that this moment has come - to decide which one of us is going OUT of the picture. Blood is not water and he wants me to be 1000% innocent 'till the end so he can say "Yes, my wife and I gave our best to be nice to them, but they were ass holes... so they are out." Yes! Yes! I got it at the end. OK, I will continue to be sweet. In any case, it's my sweetness that pisses them off, not when I show my human faults. The only way to have them out of the picture is to be PERFECT. A proof for this is: recently, I started going to their house for morning coffee with my husband. I was nice to them, smiling, joking, talking (bought a b/day present for SIL) and they were not only ignoring me with frozen faces, but right after that they complained to hubby that I was NOT NICE to them. I was like WTF? By the way, hubby didn't even think it was worth telling me, he didn't even tell me they have complained... the kids heard the conversation and told me. And on the next day I heard something myself while skating in the front yard. I asked hubby about this and he admitted the BIL complained, but didn't tell me about what. They actually put both hubby and me in the same basket as "bad."
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