lameandblind Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 I'm a 23 year old male, trapped somewhere in America's heartland... My (ex)girlfriend recently decided to part ways and step out from the world we've built together. I've always managed to handle things so well, but this is the first time it stings like sweat in my eyes. I've never cried so hard in my life...and my heart has such piercing pangs. I find myself swinging from hope to depression...and the time crawls... We first got together when we were young...I was 19, she was 16. We had known eat other as kids and always managed to keep in touch. I remember everyday so vividly. So many things changed for the both of us during those times. Both of us have grown up... She initiated the breakup...although the writing was on the wall long before that. If she wanted space, I tried my best to give it to her. If she wanted more time with her friends...I gave her that without hesitation. It was denial. Denial of that writing scrawled in big yellow letters on a cold black wall. Anyway, we had went through a lot from her graduating high school, from my finishing up college and landing a decent job in IT. She was very sick during our first year together (16-17) which ultimately ended up with gall bladder surgery...after which I noticed a world of difference. She was not sick all the time and could lead a productive life and do all the things she wanted to do. I kept by her side and supported her the whole time, my highlight of any day was to put a smile on her face. I worked full time, as did she, after high school. She wanted to take a break for about a year, before she started college. I did the same thing as well, and enjoyed every second of it. Starting a year ago things started to change. She didn't have all the friends she once did...I had let my friends slip away too. I had always dreamed of the day we'd move in together, but she was reluctant. I accepted that as the status quo...I didn't want to push her into anything. Now, working full time...and college...she works so hard and is absolutely determined to achieve, which is one of the qualities I always loved about her. She always tries her best. But, there is less time for us...less time for her friends. And now, she is 20. She had always had a man in her life, ever since 13. She never really had time to develop as an individual. That bothered her so much. She wanted to do things for herself. I can understand...I did the same thing when I was 20, determined to do it myself and get out there on my own. However...My heart now wrenches at that fact...To do it herself meant that she needed to break up with me. I always helped her along, spoiled her...maybe more then I should've. I mean, we're both young...still growing in some respects. In a way, I hinder her growth as an individual. She was always identified with a man, as a couple...never just as Ashley (that's her name, which I'm sure you guessed) I understand and support her fully...only it hurts so much...I didn't know how smothered she had felt until she finally just sat down and told me straight. She had been avoiding it forever...But, she snapped... Now, I'm trying my best to give her space and time...keeping myself busy to distract my heart and mind...and, if I do see her, I do my best to be a friend. She still says "I love you." and is still affectionate...We can still share a moment together, we still can kiss. I guess she just felt trapped and needed to do something drastic. It does hurt, but I know she does love me...and I hope to bring back to life our love in a new light...I hope she achieves what she needs too to feel like her own person. I think she will come back around...even more so then before. She wants to come back and continue the relationship, that is not ruled out. Growing pains, I suppose. I never knew love like this...I never knew pain like this... I will give it time...I will continue my life, but a big piece of my heart will ache for her to stop by one day and share a bite to eat with me. I yearn for the simplest pleasures, and to share them with her... Thanks to anyone that read through all that...It was a rant, but its appreciated. I am open to any advice or encouragement...I could use all I can get at this point *throws confetti at the pity party*
Josalina Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 i am going through your problem, my ex and i split because he felt he didn't know himself, he woke up lost one day and confused. this is the hardest experience ever i know. so sad.. you feelings i feel to. just remenber if it is meant to be, it will happen, like my ex she still loves you, but needs time for herself, i wonder if my ex said that to me, just to get rid of me, he says i done nothing wrong etc etc but like your ex he needs to find himself alone, because he never really has. we were so close then one day nothing, i am trying nc as the other night i text the first time since the split so he knew i still cared, and loved him, he admitted to missing me 2 but he answer was still the same, i have up and down days its silly but can't be helped. how long do u reacon it will tke for them to know themselves, as my guess it to fully know yourself it could take your whole life and even then u will find out more. i just wish he could of found himself with me but nevermind. at the end of the day take care of number one and try to move on, if she comes back it was meant to be, if not it was never meant to happen, i may b wrong but those words help me, also 'in the end it will be alright, if its not alright its not the end' take care.
Author lameandblind Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Thanks for the words of encourage. I've taken up meditation and keeping a journal to help me cope...so far it has worked. I've only started the journal for 2 days and have filled up 10 pages worth of stuff...It makes it easier to pour out your heart with a pen and paper... Meditation helps me clear my head...lets me rest when my mind starts racing. It centers me when my emotions are a pendulum, it gives me a bit of peace. Who knows how long it takes to know oneself...I can see who she is; what she is plain as day, from every aspect. We never really know ourselves as well as we'd like to claim...especially when "who" you are changes as life goes along... But as you said, take care of number one. If it is meant to be...then that would be wonderful, but one day I will have to move on one way or the other. Thank you.
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