cryinginside Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I hope someone reads this again. I wrote several monthes ago regarding my boyfriend and me and the abuse, that was titled crying after abuse. Well i went back to him and things were fine for awhile. I did feel sort of like a servent, clean HIS house, do the clothes, make his drinks, his food, and rub his feet! IF i did this he said he would be nice to me and i don't deserve him to be nice if i can't do this little stuff. We both went out the other night and got intoxicated, which was a mistake but we were celebrating so we did shots. Both of us know we can not do that. Well he pulled my hair and smacked me in front of our kids then took my car keys and threw them so my 6 and 9 yr olds and me had to find them. I had my kids go to their aunts and i went to the other side of the family for comfort which was a mistake. When i showed up at his house and he found out that i had been around my kids father he smacked me around and told me i was a whore (*even though i proved i didn't do anything with anyone) he said he was treating me like crap because that is what i was to him. FOr the last two days he calls and tells me i am undeserving of his love and i need to prove to him i deserve it. I told him my kids were scared of him he said oh F*cking well they will deal with it. I have ignored his calls the last several times he has called but what should i do. Am i in the wrong? Maybe i should call him and beg for his forgiveness, we were together almost 2 yrs. HELP
Guest Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Sorry to hear what happened. First of all I am a man and no real man would lay his hands on a women. Do not apologize you did nothing wrong. You need to do what you have to do and stay away from him. It is not good for you or your kids to be around an abuser like this. Are you reliant upon him for anything? If you are make the necessary changed so you will not be. Whatever you do stay away from him. I would suggest counseling to get your self esteem back. You or anybody for that matter do not deserved to be treated this way. Good luck and stay away.
D-Lish Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 You know what you need to do... get the hell away from him. Do it for your kids if you can't muster up the strength to do it for you. You cannot have this man around your children. He will never change, ever. You will end up miserable and demoralized in the long run. Leave him and get a restraining order. He is bad news.
Author cryinginside Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 i just really feel like this time it is my fault. I know i shouldn't have went where my kids dad was...i didn't mean to but i just wanted to be around people. I feel so bad. Maybe i should apologize. I feel so confused and sick with worry right now.
Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 To go back to him is like going back to the lions den. we understand you have history with this guy but is it worth the abuse? physically and emotional? If you won't do it for yourself, how about doing it for the kids sake. They don't need to see any of the abuses that goes on when they are around. This guy sound like a habitual abuser, he won't change even though he'll promise you the world he will. I promise you he won't, it will be great for the awhile then the abuse cycle starts all over again and maybe this time you might be seriously injured or he'll take it out on the kids to get back on you. Leave for the sake of your kids and your own safety.
swirly27 Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Oh Crying....that is soo soo soo so wrong....for you to blame yourself. YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. Do you know how many people out there actually fight with one another, say mean things, and god forbid go around their kids' fathers and they DON'T get beat and smacked around. You are his punching block and he's got it perfect where he gets waited on hand and foot AND makes you feel like he deserves it and you deserve to be treated how he treats you. How could you want to be with a man who doesn't care if your kids are afraid of him. To me it sounds like you were with him 2 yrs too long. DEFINITELY leave him and make sure you are your children are safe, before someone gets hurt. He has anger issue and who knows what else. You have to do this for YOU and for your children. You shouldn't beg him for anything!!
Author cryinginside Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 thank you for your replies. It helps to know i have someone to talk to out there. I know i should leave him but it is so hard. I don't even know why this is hard for me. He does clearly have anger problems and i know that he will never amount to anything. If i ask him to get a job he says the more i ask the more he will stay home and not look for work. He just keeps calling and i just want to answer and say ilove you. I am sick to my stomach over all of this. He has me feeling like i am a worthless and that it was all my fault. Maybe i did drink to much. I don't know. Part of me tells myself to wake up and realize he is nothing but a loser. THe other part says remember how he would be so sweet and loving and say nice things..when asked. He was nice to my kids at times and tells me that no one else would ever put up with my bratty kids. I know they are not brats just normal kids but it is hard thinking of finding someone to date that doesn't mind me having kids. My life is so messed up right now. I am even living with my parents at 26 with my two kids because i always give him my money.
HennyPenny Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 You are better off alone. This relationship is damaging your children. They're not an obstacle in your dating life. They are innocent. My sister is going through the same thing and I can't figure out why she is willing to risk her children's mental and physical well-being for the company of a jerk. Even if no one would accept your children (which is a big fat lie he's feeding you to keep you around) you are still better off alone. I hope things get better for your family soon.
Guest Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Please call a domestic violence center and get out of there. YOU DO NOT LOVE HIM. You are dependent on him and think that's love. And you are dependent on him because he made you that way by insulting and hitting you. If you take those children back, then you don't deserve them. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you MUST stop going back to this man and you need harsh words to wake you up. HE IS GOING TO HURT YOUR CHILDREN AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IF YOU GO BACK TO HIM. Now go pick up a telephone and call a domestic violence centre right away and tell them everything in your post and LISTEN to what they say. YOU ARE IN DANGER. YOUR CHLDREN ARE IN DANGER. It is YOUR JOB to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN. Which means getting them and yourself far away from this man. He will NOT change. All men like that cry and promise they will change and promise they love you. They ALL do. I lived with one. BUT THEY DON'T CHANGE. He is a sick man and he is drawing you into sickness, too. Stay away. You do not want your children to pay the price of your being weak. You MUST save them.
Author cryinginside Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 It is just so hard. I keep thinking of how maybe i am the one that made the mistake. Maybe i drank too much and deserved it. I know for my kids they should be far away from him, but i keep thinking how i used to be able to be my silly self around him. THis is so difficult.
blind_otter Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Well you did drink too much. But regardless of how you drink or what you do you do NOT deserve to be hurt, smacked around, most ESPECIALLY in front of your children. If you stay with him you teach them that it's ok to resolve arguments with physical aggressive. Bad idea. Call a crisis center. This is a national domestic abuse hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) There are trained counselors staffing the phones who can help you.
Author cryinginside Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Well tomorrow I am going to try counseling and try to stick with it this time. I have an appointment with domestic abuse counselor, she seems very nice. She talked to me over the phone for about a half an hour telling me that i didn't deserve to be hit. Hopefully that combined with talking to you guys will help.
blind_otter Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Yep. I was in an abusive relationship for a year. When I broke up with him he just kept hounding me, bothering me, following me, and it culmintated with him breaking down my front door and trying to kill someone right in front of me. Even though he chose his path, for a long time I felt guilty that I had contributed to what happened. Ultimately, though, the only thing I was guilty of was not getting out of the relationship earlier, with my dignity intact....
Author cryinginside Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 I just don't get it. I can convince myself for amoment how great it is that i am free from him. No longer cleaning HIS house, doing his laundry, fetching his food/drinks, or rubbing his feet on demand. But then the next minute i will get all sad and wonder what he is doing. I just don't understand why i don't have this empowerment undercontrol. I should feel great. Instead I want to sleep all the time so I don't have to think of him. I know if i go back again the cycle will repeat but i just can' tseem to stop thinking about it!
Guest Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 He is a habit, like all bad habits. Like smoking or eating too many chips. And, like any habit, you miss it for a while. BUT YOU HAVE TO STAY AWAY BECAUSE HE IS BAD FOR YOU. Eventually you will stop missing him but you MUST stay away for MONTHS until the craving is gone. It is EXACTLY like quitting drinking or smoking or anything else. It won't take a day or a week but you have to fight it FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
D-Lish Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 Please, please- value yourself and your children enough to break free from this man. Men like that make the concerted effort to break you down, to shatter your self esteem so they can control you. Don't allow him to manipulate you or hurt you anymore. It's hard to break free when someone has destroyed your sense of self worth- making you believe you are nothing - making you feel like you aren't worthy or wanted. It's a process to get back on your feet after being with an abuser. But you can do it, you have to do it. It's great you are going to talk to a professional- it takes a lot of courage to start that process of breaking free. Please follow through with it. Take care, Dee
Author cryinginside Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 I keep thinking of different stuff. LIke how after all that happened and i went to him in the middle of the night, first he smacked me then called me names, then after "checking me" had me to take a shower cuz he swore i was nasty, then had me come out and rub his feet then have sex with him. Afterwards he told me i had a lot to prove if i wanted to be with me. It was almost like he got some type of power out of doing that stuff to me. Who would smack their girl around then make them take a shower, rub their feet then have sex with them?!
D-Lish Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 Who would do that? Someone who is sick. Not a person worthy of your love. But you really do have to start asking yourself- what kind of person would accept that kind of behaviour from another person. Your answer should be- not the kind of person you want to be. Value yourself. There are a lot of nice men out there who would never dream of treating you this way. You just have to accept that you are worthy of being with a good guy.
Author cryinginside Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 I know i am trying very hard to convince myself i deserve better. I don't know what keeps pulling me to be sad over him. If someone else was telling this story i would tell them that scum bag isn't worth your tears. But for me its harder. I can't sleep barely eat all over some loser. Right now its midnight and i was wondering what he was doing, and why did he stop his insistent calls.
swirly27 Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I know i am trying very hard to convince myself i deserve better. I don't know what keeps pulling me to be sad over him. If someone else was telling this story i would tell them that scum bag isn't worth your tears. But for me its harder. I can't sleep barely eat all over some loser. Right now its midnight and i was wondering what he was doing, and why did he stop his insistent calls. Crying - I really think you need to get some help....it is so disgusting to hear how this man treated you and yet you miss him and want to be with him. I feel bad that you feel like however he treated you is what you deserved! No wonder you drank. BUT....you have children to think about and you yourself to think about. What do your friends and family say, my god, if this was my sister or daughter going thru this, I'd almost want to tie them up and keep them away from this creep. He sounds sick and NO ONE deserves the treatment he gave you and how he talked to you, like you were a slave. HOW can you possibly think you want that back???
Author cryinginside Posted September 20, 2006 Author Posted September 20, 2006 I know, i don't know why I could want something like that back or even miss him. My family and friends hate him. My parents want to see him dead. I have lost all of my friends because of him. None of them wanted him around or the drama that came with him. I had my first meeting with a counselor today it felt good to have someone tell me that i shouldn't have went through that but at the same time i keep thinking maybe they don't know how much i talked back to him. So therefore maybe it is my fault. I am so mad at myself for second guessing my decision to leave.
blind_otter Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 I know, i don't know why I could want something like that back or even miss him. My family and friends hate him. My parents want to see him dead. I have lost all of my friends because of him. None of them wanted him around or the drama that came with him. I had my first meeting with a counselor today it felt good to have someone tell me that i shouldn't have went through that but at the same time i keep thinking maybe they don't know how much i talked back to him. So therefore maybe it is my fault. I am so mad at myself for second guessing my decision to leave. Why do you feel the need to punish yourself so much? Don't you deserve to be happy?
Author cryinginside Posted September 21, 2006 Author Posted September 21, 2006 I know i deserve to be happy but I just can't quit second guessing myself. And wondering what he is doing. I feel like there are two people arguing in my head one cheering he is out of my life and the other saying no go back to him. I just know its part of breaking up but man it is hard.
HoldOn Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 i keep thinking maybe they don't know how much i talked back to him. So therefore maybe it is my fault. I hope you are kidding. It doesn't matter how much you talked back to him, he should never ever ever ever hit you. This is not you fault. But one thing is under your control... whether you stay or leave. You have to place your kids and yourself ahead of him? Really who is more important, this guy who beats you or your children who you should be protecting at all costs?
D-Lish Posted September 21, 2006 Posted September 21, 2006 You only feel you want to go back because he's manipulated you into believing you are worthless without him. That's not the case. You know if you go back exactly what you will be putting at risk. The wondering about what they are doing is normal. But, it's better than actually knowing what they are doing. And being alone is better than being smacked around. Abusive men manipulate and follow patterns that are repetitive. He'll be back, and you have to be ready to say no. You have to have a plan in place for when that time comes. They need you to be under their power- as soon as he sees you're not, you may have some problems to deal with. No matter how much they promise to change - they never do. Try and spend more time internalizing why you are glad he's gone....not wanting him back. He'll hit you again, he'll demoralizing you again....he will. But only if you let him. Remember that- you have the power to make the right choice right now. Find the strength to do something healthy for yourself and stay away from this person.
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