He makes me feel completly unwanted. What sould i do??

[Lostgurl]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope this doesn't get too long. I just feel so worthless. I love him soo much. I know he loves me too, i just think that it isn't as much as i love him.

 

He doesn't seem to want to spend much time with me. We live together, but lately hasn't seemed happy.

He is working at a job he doesn't like.

I have been grouchy because when ever he answers one of my question he sounds so ornery, or impatient with me.

He has been working 12 hour days for the past 9 days, on saturday he took off at noon and didn't go back.

 

Friday after work he asked me to get a babysitter so we could have a few and listen to some tunes. I thought yay! time alone with my honey. so i get a babtsitter and on my way out he said (with almost a look of hope) are you going to stay over there for a while? Like he wanted to be rid of me. Then he spent the whole night with the tunes cranked and never said a word to me. So i went into the room to play video games, i felt unwanted.

 

Then Saturday he spent the whole day and night in our room playing video games and didn't even ask me to join him.

 

We were supposed to go to the city this coming saturrday to get the car serviced and spend a day alone without the kids, my brother and dad ended up inviting themselves, he got mad said he didn't want to come, then said he was going alone on friday. I found out that the work i meeded done on my car couldn't be done on saturday and was told to make an appointment for a weekday, so i told my hon about this and he said i had tp take my bro and dad. I said that i wanted to go with him instead. He was silent. I asked him if he neede to be away from me. He said he didn't "need" to. I said "but you WaNT to? He said he needed to be alone! He hasn't had any alone time in a while. What was the whole weekend about then?

 

This makes me feel so unwanted i just want to cry. Why doesn't he want to be with me as much as i want him? We haven't had any good loud sex in a while because the kids are always home, we haven't had much of a break from them, and only quickies on the couch at lunch. We talked about going to the city together so we could have alone time and some good loud sex wothout worrying about the children.

 

Now he wants to go alone. Why? We never get to see eachother much cuz he works 12 hour shifts and on his days off he wants to go to the city alone one day, while i go the next day and he stays home?

[norajane]

It's not all about you, sweets. If you love this man, be loving toward him and try to understand what he's going through at work. He's working long hours at a job he doesn't like and is obviously under a lot of stress. Retreating to the video games and time alone this one weekend after 9 days straight of working is his way of decompressing.

 

Don't add to his stress right now by pressuring him. I know you miss his company and want to spend time with him, but he doesn't have any energy left to give to you or anyone else. He barely has any for himself.

 

Instead of harassing him and feeling unloved and making this all about you, take a step back and think of how you can make things a little more restful for him at home. The more you b*tch and moan, the more stress you add to his life, and the less likely he'll turn to you for a little peace and relaxation. Instead, tell him how sorry you are that he's so stressed and challenged at work, and ask him how you can help him at home. Be loving toward him, and he'll WANT to spend time with you.

[Lostgurl]

It's not all about you, sweets. If you love this man, be loving toward him and try to understand what he's going through at work. He's working long hours at a job he doesn't like and is obviously under a lot of stress. Retreating to the video games and time alone this one weekend after 9 days straight of working is his way of decompressing.

 

Don't add to his stress right now by pressuring him. I know you miss his company and want to spend time with him, but he doesn't have any energy left to give to you or anyone else. He barely has any for himself.

 

Instead of harassing him and feeling unloved and making this all about you, take a step back and think of how you can make things a little more restful for him at home. The more you b*tch and moan, the more stress you add to his life, and the less likely he'll turn to you for a little peace and relaxation. Instead, tell him how sorry you are that he's so stressed and challenged at work, and ask him how you can help him at home. Be loving toward him, and he'll WANT to spend time with you.

 

thanks for the advice Norajane,

 

But it's too late for that We got into it at lunch time. He said that i've been a grouch, and that's why he's been not wanting to be with me, saying i have PMS. I've been grouchy because he doesn't want to around me. I am very sensitive when it comes to rejection, i get really emotional. All my ex's never wanted time alone, i alway felt suffocated with them. Now i can't get enough of my honey and uggh. The tables have turned.

 

We were planning this trip for US, now he wants us to take separate trips, this was spposed to be our time. He could have all the alone time he wants why now?

 

We are going through custody issues with my ex over the girls, we have no babysitter that can look after them out of our home, so we never get the chance to have OUR time, i just feel so hurt that he is taking our one chance away to go alone. I just can't comprehend that, really. Maybe he's just doing it to hurt me because he had to put up with my grouchiness? I understand what your saying Norajane about giving him his space, i did last weekend, but what about OUR night alone? it's like he doens't even care about it.

[Lostgurl]

And i do give him all the support, I clean his laundry, cook him lunch and supper , heck i've even been taking supper to his work for him. I have given him numerous back rubs and foot rubs, i've even been popping him cold ones from the fridge and bringing them to him after he gets off work. But in turn he's been sarcastic. With remarks like for example :

 

I was telling him about somthing cute that our daughter had said :

 

"we were driving today and she said to me "Mom, don't you wish you were a bird"

He said that he hates birds and i told him i had a dream once that i could change in to a bird. He said "what did you turn into, an ugly ol raven?"

 

Just very rude comments like that, or like if i lose my lighter, he'll say leavemy lighter alone, you are always losing yours so go find it. He won't even share an ashtray with me half the time when he gets like this. I just don't get him.

It like he goes though these phases,

For a month or so he'll be super sweet, nice and loving. And then he'll turn around and act like this.

 

Ahh i just don't know. I just wish the nice guy would stay, cuz it's so painful when he gets like this. Having to walk on eggshells. Thats why i got so grumpy this past time, I got sick of walking on eggshells, it never helped in all the other past times.

[norajane]

You're still making this all about you. He's not doing this to hurt you. He's doing this because he honestly is feeling stressed and you're adding to his stress.

 

If you give him space it means you can't whine about 'our night' at the same time. Space means step back without being grouchy about it.

 

Of course he doesn't want to take the trip with you when you're grouchy! How would that be fun and relaxing for him? Would you want to take a trip with someone who was constantly upset with you and telling you how hurt he was?

 

If you were able to say: You know, you're right. I have been grouchy and I can understand how you wouldn't want to be around me. I'm not grouchy because I'm angry with you, and I don't want to be grouchy around you, and I'm sorry that I have been. I know you're working really hard and I want you to feel better at home; how can I help?

 

you'd get a different response from him. Maybe if you say something like that now, he'd change his mind about the trip.

[Lostgurl]

You know Norajane, you are right. Thanks. I'll apologise to him after he gets off work