ddw5195 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Hi, everyone thanks for the post that you sent it was great that I herd so much and it is all clear to me. I posted about my h and I. about how our relationship is and where it was going. it really is sad. However, I am in this numb stage...I was prepareing myself for the BIG "D" when wham!! I mean it really is nothing to write home about but enought that I have said ok, he is really thinking on what life is and what love really means. he has talked to our friend and said that he is not happy. and what the friend said was not that he was not happy with me just he was not happy about nothing. he had no joy in his life. he is the kinda person that he is on a costant shopping spree with his life. once the new weres off he is buying something new again and the other is tosed out the door. this ws due to his childhood of never being showed loved and the many husbands his mother had. she had over 14 husbands and no telling how many boyfriends that she was going to marry. she loved herself more than her two children and the bad thing is they were both boys one turned out great and the other well I somehow got him. dont get me wrong I love him with every inch of me but I am ready for this to end. my last post was about how our relationship is and that he is not happy with my size nor anything I do. first it was my animals I had to give up cause he had nothing to give up cause he already got tired of it and threw it out so then it turns to me anything to hurt me. then it was my weight, in which I was 15 when I meet him and the size of 120 to 125 and now I am 32 and weigh about 160 165 and 10 to 15 pounds is top size!!! I was a child and now a women and I will tell you we never stay the size we were in high school. there are few people that is the same size when they first meet to 18 years later. I said at first ok if it is weight I will loss it I lost it so fast I had to have emg. surg. did this matter to him no!!! then it was who are you talking to and where are you gong and it still did not change the sex life it was still horrible!! and I still did not get any!!! then after the weight it was back to the horses then it was weight then it was horses or something else he could pick at. anyway to get to my point about the whole post thing is that he was talking to our friend and he said he ws just not happy with himself and that he was serching for something and it is never making him happy. we are christians and the friend said that he will never find happiness till he has released himself to God himself and find happiness in himself. then and only then will he be happy. the thing is that he has come to me(he is not a man of many words) as says to me he want to try this friends church. this is very shocking to me because he was raised babtist and our friend is penicostal!!!!! which for those of you are not sure of the difference baptist are more concertive.....contempory......and mellow. on the other hand penacostal are what are call the holly rollers. they belive in laying hands to heal the sick and speaking in tounges. do not get me wrong I do not label myself as to what religion I am!! I belive that God sent jesus to die for our sins and I belive he can do all things. but my husband used to make fun of this religion. not really in front of our friend but at home and I would get upset and say you know maybe if you would have a open mind and know that God can do all things then you could be a changed man. well he has even poked and made fun of the religion that to his other friend that he would slap him on his fore head if he need some healing. I just shake my head and pray for him. but here is the thing......my h came to me and said I want to go to our friends church....... you really need to know this is like oooo'my gosh I never expected it of him. not only that I really see him and look at him and he sees how mean he is and tries to be nice you know like daziview. he would spit mean out then relize how mean he is. HOWEVER!!!!! I am numb to him. I am the kinda of person that the word LOVE is a HUGE word you never spea that word unless you mean it cause it will hurt to many people!!! a hurt you will never be able to take away if you are betrayed. I have come to the point that I dont kiss him by in the mornings and I dont tell him I love him when I hang the phone up. he would do this out of habbit. exzample I get a call I am going to the store my reply ok ok I love you and I love you too then we would hang up. or I am going to bed ok I would kiss him or he would kiss me and say I love you unless we mad at each other. it was habbit. well I am not the habbit kinda person some yes but not the love thing so I felt like the kiss would be not a kiss at all but a habbit and the I love you came to lveyou to lovya to laya to I said this is stupided!!!! so I am numb. I bilt myself up to I am ready and I am ready for my baby that is five to really see what love really is and then WHAM.... like I said it is small steps I see but I ask myself so I want this. really you can and do need to give credit cause he is not a man to except change or change for anyone but the steps I see are huge for him but I just dont think it is enough or is it???
Author ddw5195 Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 sorry for the long post but I had a another thing written and my hand hit the button so I am not trying to post this one twice but I guess what I am trying to say is I do love him!!!! I just dont think I can go another day without love. and I have made my mind up to work it up to a divorce. no matter how I feel. but for the past month I have really said forget it. I dont say I love you,I dont kiss him by I just leave. in the past week or so I have noticed that he has really done some small things like exzample this morning, I am running late I say to him I need a check for the baby's school and he goes to the truck and get one and comes back through the door in which I am standing and kisses me by and says I love you and not only that he tells our baby that too. not uncommon for him to show her love but to me !!!!!! last night he comes and kisses me good night?? what is up!!!!! he has been rally trying to wait for me I am really slow when walking into the stores well I just am not really ever in a hurry.... but he will almost run to the door and leave me behind almost like he did not want to be seen with me. not like that this week??? waiting on me for some strange reason. no sex though and that is about to be the topper anyway......we have it maybe 2 a year and I am tired of that!!! but jsut he is like I noticed the other day we took my little girl to put put and he was walking really close to me by no means did he go as far as hold my hand but like shoulder rubbing close and that is way uncommon. I truly am fed up really but like I said I do love him but tired of wasting time and as all said I want my baby to know what realy love can be!! even if I dont find it she at least wont end up with an ncaring husband like her dad and find that she is treated the same as he treats me. what are ya'lls thoughts???
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