What the hell else do I need to do? At least I am free from blame this time ...

[bonny doon]

I've been crying, not sleeping, not eating, for the last five days. This has interfered with my job and my moving into a new place with a roommate - finding cheap used furniture and a bed. Still sleeping on couches/futons. Unable to make judgment calls. The crying spells and panic attacks interfere with everything. Driving around this new city, getting lost on my way to ikea, crying. Trying to force food down. Lost, adrift, wandering around like a zombie on only a couple hours' sleep. WTF is wrong with me?

 

Disappointed that I'm a pathetic loser for whining, for being emotionally vulnerable.

 

Situation: Met a guy. We clicked. He was hot, smart, personable, had so many qualities I look for in someone. There was a lot of chemistry. We dated for a week. He said some pretty intense things to me. I thought he meant them. My friends thought he was the most sincere, angelic person. I thought he was a keeper. Why is this important? Because the last time someone blew my socks off like this was 1.5 years ago.

 

I meet and like a lot of guys but, as an avowed commitmentphobe, it's rare when I meet I guy I feel I can commit to right off the bat. Most of the time, I'll date the guy and still be on the lookout for someone else to come along. this guy was someone that I could actually envision committing to.

 

My friends were like, "hey he's a keeper. He's wonderful, and, he's a nice guy." As opposed to the a**holes I'm accustomed to dating. I was like, "wow, yeah, a nice guy I'm attracted to! What a novel concept!!!!" Amazing! I was so glad to finally break the 'cycle.'

 

Of course, after uttering a multitude of unmprompted promises with his puppy-dog eyes, and making me feel as though he feels the same way I do about him, he drops off the face of the planet.

 

Leaving me here, crying, unable to keep it together. Just barely. Feeling ashamed for letting my feelings go like this.

 

What the hell else do I need to do? I ride a motorcycle, I go to the boxing gym, I used to rock climb, now I surf, I'm recording a demo of my music (guitar & vox), I have a good job that pays decent, I speak three languages, I've traveled to many many countries and lived in some, I've lived all over the US, I went to a good school, I have my sh*t together, I can pitch my tent in the dark under hostile conditions.

 

Guys tell me I am "really hot." Even if someone didn't think so, I take care of myself and my appearance. I am in good shape from all the sports that I do, I get my hair cut and styled well, I pick flattering but not slutty clothes, and I get my eyebrows waxed. I don't wear a lot of makeup. People say I am very warm and friendly, but also confident without being bitchy. I'm social - I love throwing down at clubs, dive bars, live music venues.

 

So, what the hell else do I need to do? Invent the wheel, find a cure for cancer, fly to the moon and bring that f*cker back a moonrock?????!!!!!!!

 

Oh I know it's cause my boobs are small. I am just trying to get a clue here. Do I have a third eyeball or appendage that I don't know about?

 

I don't understand what is wrong with me. How my bullsh*t meter could have been so far off the charts it's not even funny. How I could let someone I knew for a week get to me like this. But this is what I do with a lot of guys, whether or not I think they are a "keeper" ... I let my feelings go, unbeknownst to me. Then when the guy disappears, I feel the crater that they left. But I didn't know I dug myself into a crater!!!! I thought I was being the cool cucumber and keeping my feelings in check!!!!

 

Do I have some kind of disconnect between my emotions and my brain? The pain of rejection from a guy I like (keeper or not) is enough to make me cry, even if we've only been dating for a week. The pain of rejection from a guy that I think is a keeper is enough to debilitate me and f*ck up my life (job & moving), even if we've only been dating for a week.

 

I am very ashamed that I am so emotionally weak even though I am physically strong and able to brave the elements of nature without batting an eye.

 

I also feel a lot of anger at him for lying to me, betraying, and using me. What coldheartedness. I would never lie to someone like that and then just disappear. If I wanted to be a player I would tell a guy, "I think you're cool and cute." I would NOT pledge a lot of mushy things. I also feel very angry at myself for my retardedness in this situation and countless others. I am sick of myself being so weak and stupid.

 

The worst part is the emotional roller coaster. One minute everything is fine, getting better, things are on the up and up, I start to feel recharged about life again. The next minute all is dark, terrible, fearsome. I'm waking up at 4 in the morning (assuming I've slept) in a cold sweat on somebody's couch, terrified. Sad and lonely, crying, crying crying.

 

It's been so long since I've been held by someone I care about. I love being held. I love spending lazy time together, being tender and affectionate. I miss it a lot. It's been a long time. Having been the serial monogamist for several years in a row in the past, I've never actually dated.

 

Now I've been "dating" for almost 2 years and I never knew it could be so hard. Frankly, I think I'm a much better catch than I was before when I had boyfriends (I'm more confident, attractive, have my sh*t together, not feeling so lost) but I seem to be attracting and then consequently repelling (???) all the asstards.

 

And the funny thing is, I'm way better than most of those guys who pull houdinis on me. I am the one doing them a favor by dating their ass but ... they're the ones running away screaming from me. WTF???!!!!! I'm not going to lie. I may have been difficult in the past but I've learned (the hard way) to play the cool, easygoing cucumber and be chill. so, to reiterate, WTF???!!!

 

At least, for once, I can say, I am free from blame. I don't think I did anything wrong this time with this guy (not so in the past, where I may have contributed mildly to the demise of the fling or relationship). At least I didn't do anything wrong. It is not on my head. The only thing wrong I did was be tender and affectionate back to him, and trust him.

 

Perhaps I should take a line from Apollo 13 the movie: This will be our finest hour. I need to make this my finest hour and not let this godforsaken city beat me down like this. Easier said than done, of course, but I imagine the rewards will be great.

[Values]

You sound like you have some good qualities and some bad ones. Don't worry about having small boobs, they CAN be SO HOT! My ex had the smallest little teenage looking boobs with big nipples, I can barely keep the keyboard down just thinking about them. So forget about those as your problem.

To some extent I feel the same way. I'm tall, fit, well built with normal gym attendance. I own a small business, have never cheated on a mate, and have great sack skills, great sack tools, and am funny as hell. Oh yeah, did I mention I haven't had a gf for most of this year!

It sounds like you might have given it up to fast. Just a thought! I couldn't tell from your message but did you have any kind of sex with him or your other guys? If you want something to last that's not the best thing to do right off. Maybe you didn't, I'm just guessing.

Sounds like you might be intense right off the bat, too. Just wait till next week when another Mr. Right comes along. Still, if I can make you feel better come over tonight and we'll talk. If you're as hot as you say it'll be fun.

[Values]

Your serial monogamist comment turned me on by the way. I feel so much deeper and more satisfied when I can be crazy with one girl and one girl only. A possible relationship with a club chic though is a real turn OFF, ........getting queasy. Hope you feel better soon!