who forgave?

September 18, 2006

Hey out there loveshackers:

I was wondering who out there whose spouses were unfaithful to them were able to finally forgive? and those who did not? It's been three months for me of an absolute rollercoaster, today is our 13th wedding anniversary and I keep coming back to this need to have some time away from him, possibly split up. He has been trying, I guess I got to ask the bigger question that do I still love him? is it worth forgiving and forgetting? There's days even weeks when I think I do and I can and then WHAM, I get broadsided by a huge bus and I'm back where I began. In fact today I feel we are back where we were way before he had the affair, in the days where "I was always mad at him and he didn't think I loved him"..

Looking for some other's stories, feedback, insight, help??????

September 19, 2006

These memories are with you forever, they will always pop into your mind. You however will be able to quickly change your thoughts to something more pleasant. If you do dwell upon them, then it is like reliving it all again, doesn't matter if it is 3 months or 30 years. I know because this has been part of my life, though my wife has passed on. Not an easy thing to get over, that a person says they love you and act so hateful. Seek counseling and what ever help you might find. There are many fine books on this matter. Betrayal really is the worst pain we will know, hard to forgive, I know. If you are to succeed you have to do it.

September 19, 2006

you are right stargazer, forgiveness is the only way to go, I feel like it's been coming in little increments. however, part of me is afraid to, afraid if I do, he'll get complacent, comfortably numb, do it again later on down the road. he did 18 years later, from the first time. this time was different, but similar in that he was looking for something else, different in that this time he wanted someone to see him for all his positive attribuites, to acknowledge him, and whatever else. Mentally I know what I have to do, even spiritually, but emotionally I am scared ****less. It's like jumping off a huge slab of granite into the unknown.

September 19, 2006

It's been a rough road at times. It's been about 2 1/2 years now for me, and I can honestly say that most of the time I don't think about it anymore. (For quite some time it was ALL I thought about!) The forgiving wasn't really all that difficult, as he was so completely regretful and sorrowful about what he had done. The forgetting part? A whole different story.

I too was concerned that if I gave forgiveness that he (or I) would get complacent again. But, in all honesty I don't believe that he would ever again take the steps that he took down that road of deceit and betrayal.

It sounds from what you have said that the road leading to your H's A was similar to ours. I was in a state of almost constant anger, and he figured I didn't love him anymore. I think that is a recipe for disaster for any relationship.

In any relationship, someone needs to be willing to take the step off into thin air, shut their eyes and pray. I felt like my husband made that step when he told me about his EA. I felt like I matched that step when I forgave him.

Three months isn't very long. Keep your chin up, keep working. I hope all the best for you and yours.

September 20, 2006

thank you silktricks. your words mean alot. I'm still in a state of "should I stay or should I go" but you know you are so right about the huge risk each party takes. My H wasn't as forthcoming about having his A, he got caught, but I think he may have wanted to to get me to finally notice him. He however was so very deceitful about hiding what his A was, it was emotional and they also had , but it was so short and she lived 3 hours away, so most of it was over the phone. and he got another cell phone the day after I found out, to continue to talk to her b/c he knew I would be checking his usual cell phone. ah, won't go into all the details b/c it feels like dredging up old crap, but I still don't know how much to believe, and the trust is gone for the most part. I do believe he is remorseful and regrets doing it, so I have to focus on that (that's a positive), but like I said, I am constantly barraged by the pain of the events as they played out. I know time heals all wounds, and I'm learning something about myself throughout all of this.

shutting my eyes, jumping AND praying

September 20, 2006

I forgave and took back my now finacee (at that time she was my g/f) three times when she made out with another dude (catching it on two occassions or once reading it on yahoo messenger). It might sound stupid but I decide to was worth trying. Only that was a long time already, like when we were 6 months exclusive. Now it's out 5th year and it's been better than before, hasn't cheated on me since.

September 23, 2006

I didn't say I forgive him though but acting acceptable. Sometimes, the feelings come back to bite my A$$ then I feel the blood rushing through my head, the heart keeps pumping blood extremely uncontrolably hard. It's been almost two months since my discovery. He was drunk and don't remember what happened but told me what was going on. I said BS and S with it for not remember what happened. I agree that it's easier to forgive than forget.

September 23, 2006

Forgive? Not for one minute of one day in over 5 years. Total betrayal, arrogance, rubbing it in, ... forgiving is not in the cards.

Do I waste time thinking about it anymore. No. Honestly five minutes of dark thoughts a week would probably be accurate.

If this makes me look bad, so be it. I would be a liar if I posted anything else.

My only hope is that I live long enough to piss on the c--t's grave.

September 23, 2006

Finally someone (Lakeside) posted who, like me, may not feel they can forgive.

It's been over 3 1/2 yrs since I found out and I've tried forgiving. I sometimes feel I can't forgive him for "knowingly and consciously" cheating on me. He didn't need to put me through this hell - we were dating and engaged at the time he was cheating. He could have told me bye with never a word between us again but he didn't. I think I'm more mad at him for stringing me along and cheating on me than I would have been if he just would have left me so I could find a decent guy. So I don't know that I can forgive. I could forgive someone more easily who did something accidentally or by mistake. I could forgive someone who ran into my car with theirs by accident - they were distracted and hit me. They are sorry and I would know they didn't come down the road and look at me and say to themselves, "I think I'll run into her and cause her pain". I can forgive that. I can't seem to forgive someone who intentionally hurts someone else, then gets caught (doesn't come clean themselves but has to be found out), then says I'm sorry I won't do it again. Sorry they don't deserve my forgiveness. Why would I have to forgive him if I don't plan on staying with him anyway? If he's living elsewhere and we are each going about our lives, I don't see why I should. Maybe that makes me a bad person too but that's how I feel.

September 23, 2006

Understand please that when asked by casual friends, and even my daughter who is very close to her mother if I have forgiven, my answer is different. My Son knows how I feel and the subject does not come up.

The last time it came up between my daughter and I, my response was, "your mother and I were married 25 years, we've been divorced for 5, it really doesen't matter to me anymore".

To friends I say something like: "That's ancient history, who cares".

When my ex emailed once asking for forgivness (joined alanon with her new H, following the program) I replied: "you don't get it, I wouldn't piss on you if your hair was on fire".

There is no need to try to forgive if you are not forced to interact with the person. Both my children were adults when the mess came to the surface. The breakup was techinically "no fault" and very quick, causing few additional bad feelings.

I have had no contact other than child related things, with which there were some problems, currently there has been no contact for months.

It might be different if we shared custody of youngsters, maybe.....

September 23, 2006

It's been 3 years since dday for me. I forgave my WH but I will never forget he had an A. If we were going to work on our M I had to work on forgiving him also. Our M could of never survived if I never forgave him.

The A is more like a nightmare right now. I think about it but it doesn't cause me as much pain as it did a year ago.

September 23, 2006

I've just experienced my H having an emotional affair with one of his message board members. My story is "husband met chatter.." Anyhow, I have decided to forgive him, but it was easier said than done. Now we're working on trust and communication. We see a counselor every week and we are working on repairing things together. Believe me, it is normal to be on a roller coaster. Sometimes I still get angry just thinking about what went down. It really helped that my husband was able to hear from a third party that this process was going to be long and difficult and that he needed to expect me to have anger, sadness, etc. and to allow me to have that. I still ask questions all the time about the affair. Some days I can go without even thinking about it. I do see the angry/sad moments lessening though. I really had to look at the whole picture and decide if I really wanted to rebuild this relationship. We did, so we're trying. Make sure he has cut all ties with the OW. That was a big closure for me. It was good for me to know that he let this woman know how important I was to him and that they needed to go separate ways never to contact each other again. Good luck...It will get better!

September 24, 2006

Understand please that when asked by casual friends, and even my daughter who is very close to her mother if I have forgiven, my answer is different. My Son knows how I feel and the subject does not come up.

{snip}

It might be different if we shared custody of youngsters, maybe.....

LD - you have a right to feel however you feel. There's no need to apologize (or explain) for being angry (and staying angry) at someone who betrayed you.

(I especially liked what you said about not pissing on her if her hair was on fire)

September 24, 2006

Silktricks, I didn't mean to apologise, or even explain. I felt like my original post made me sound a little like a maniac which I am not.

Tell you what though, I've waited paitently for a phone call from one of my kids telling me "their mom" was croaked driving drunk, or had been diagnosed with cervical cancer.. It's really shaken my belief in the "power of positive thinking".

September 24, 2006

we were working with a therapist who told me I had to make a decision right then and not wallow in my pain........she also told me if I didn't forgive him our marriage was over. I was so confused from all the pain of what I was going through, then this therapist has the nerve to rush me.....I highly doubt she'd take her own advice if her own husband had cheated on her....anyway I told her we weren't coming back, that the time had naturally come for me to not see her anymore ( I had been seeing her alone for almost 3 years and my H & I were in mc for a few months before the affair)

I've since talked to others, read alot, and am learning that the decision will naturally arise from my H's actions and how hard her works to earn my forgiveness and regain my trust. we are still "together"

silktricks~~ I was wondering if you and your H were still married?

September 25, 2006

I tell anyone who asks me that YES, I have forgiven my lying, cheating, arrogant SOB ex-husband. In fact I send him brownies and chocolate chip cookies frequently. They are good for his diabetes. Someday I hope to attend his funeral where I will strip naked and dance on the coffin while playing a tambourine.

September 25, 2006

I think I could forgive, considering I see a dramatic change in behavior and have reason to believe the inappropriate stuff is a thing of the past.

I'm not sure I can or have forgiven because I don't really know how much needs forgiving. I'm not so stupid as to believe you can actually 'accidentally,' 'inadvertently' hide a friendship with a woman for thirteen years and not realize you're hiding it. So was it an emotional or at one time physical affair? I don't know. I would be more sure of my state of forgiveness if I knew what I was dealing with.

Apart from forgiveness, though, the changes are permanent. I can forgive him. But as long as he's still lying to me... after lying to me for so many years... after continuing to insist to this day that he didn't even realize he was hiding her (and putting together other bits and pieces makes that story ridiculous, even apart from the obvious)... I look at him with cynicism and distrust. He's a nice guy. I enjoy his company. We do well raising our children together. But I'll be fine without him, because I realize, given his lying, that some day I may need to be. I have to live in a state of enjoying the present, but saving for a rainy day.

What he fails to understand is that this puts me in a position where I would be more than willing to start all kinds of friendships of my own with men-- because he has insisted there's nothing wrong with having secret friends of the opposite sex; where I live my own life and keep my own confidences; where this marriage is very vulnerable to an affair either because I find someone I CAN emotionally trust, or because he eventually figures out there's a distance and goes to someone else.

Yes, I think I've forgiven.

But it doesn't change things, in some ways. I simply see no way to REALLY be intimately married to a liar, and I'm sorry to say, I think that will have its consequences down the road. He'll say it's because I haven't forgiven the past, but it's really that I can't intimately love and trust a liar, which is what he's continuing to do.

September 25, 2006

There's a lot to be said for forgiveness. It helps not only the relationship, but ourselves. It's doesn't come easily or suddenly. It's a process. You just have to do the work.

You've gotten alot of suggestions, but here's mine:

If your husband is working hard to make it better, then he will be able to earn off most of the forgiveness you have for him. Like 90%, if it helps. If he really is sorry, he will help you forgive about 90%, and it will be somewhat easy. Not real easy, but definately do-able.

But. There will come a time, when you are almost totally healed, when it will seem like a thread, or a tiny piece is still a problem for you. You might obsess over it, and begin to beat yourself up because you can't get over that last little hurdle. Don't turn on your husband, and start asking for him to get you over it. Don't demand he do more. That last little bit? That's your gift to your marriage, and your husband.

I swear, I had to do it myself, and it's truth. You guys, together, will work most of it. You'll get through, you'll forgive, you'll earn back trust. But the last tiny bit, the last "10%", the betrayed has to give as a gift to the betrayer. I like to think of it as a "good faith" gift. Some of my girlfriends swear by it, and I know it works.

I wish you luck. Time. Just let time do it's thing. It'll get better, if you really want it to.

September 26, 2006

There's a lot to be said for forgiveness. It helps not only the relationship, but ourselves. It's doesn't come easily or suddenly. It's a process. You just have to do the work.

You've gotten alot of suggestions, but here's mine:

If your husband is working hard to make it better, then he will be able to earn off most of the forgiveness you have for him. Like 90%, if it helps. If he really is sorry, he will help you forgive about 90%, and it will be somewhat easy. Not real easy, but definately do-able.

But. There will come a time, when you are almost totally healed, when it will seem like a thread, or a tiny piece is still a problem for you. You might obsess over it, and begin to beat yourself up because you can't get over that last little hurdle. Don't turn on your husband, and start asking for him to get you over it. Don't demand he do more. That last little bit? That's your gift to your marriage, and your husband.

I swear, I had to do it myself, and it's truth. You guys, together, will work most of it. You'll get through, you'll forgive, you'll earn back trust. But the last tiny bit, the last "10%", the betrayed has to give as a gift to the betrayer. I like to think of it as a "good faith" gift. Some of my girlfriends swear by it, and I know it works.

I wish you luck. Time. Just let time do it's thing. It'll get better, if you really want it to.

What a totally wonderful way to put it, and so very accurate. Thank-you.

September 26, 2006

If your husband is working hard to make it better, then he will be able to earn off most of the forgiveness you have for him. Like 90%

Yep, Autumn...you hit the nail on the head there.

It is infinitely easier to forgive a truly remorseful person, than to forgive the one who "speaks" of their remorse (without showing any of the hard, difficult work required). And every person on the earth who has been betrayed by someone whom they truly and completed loved, knows the difference.

A person with integrity and sincere regret will do whatever the betrayed person needs, in order to earn their forgiveness.

Regardless of whether forgiveness is 'given' by the betrayed or not, a genuinely remorseful person works from within in order to receive it.

September 26, 2006

But the last tiny bit, the last "10%", the betrayed has to give as a gift to the betrayer. I like to think of it as a "good faith" gift. Some of my girlfriends swear by it, and I know it works.

I think that's a really cool way of showing the WS faith and trust. Probably would mean alot, knowing that their BS loved them that much to do that.

September 29, 2006

Autumns,

I can't thank you enough for saying that. It really helped me to see my situation in a new light. Giving that last little bit is not a sacrafice but a gift. Nice:D

September 29, 2006

Hey Lakeside, glad you're still around.

I forgave XHTB on Valentine's Day as a gift and part of my healing process. But the lying, SOB, slime/scumbag continued to lie and cheat to everyone even to our MC. Caught him lying redhanded and that scumbag still tried to lie.

Like you Lakeside, I wouldn't squat and piss on this man if his hair was on fire!

Can anyone guess who this XHTB?......MotoMan! And I'm formerly "TheWife".

XHTB and I had our own 9/11 where he finally got escorted by cops to move out. He called 911 and accused me of "domestic violence". No evidence or report filed. Then the coward slimeball called the cops the next day so that he and his sister could safely "escorted" ffrom me as he packed more of his stuff. The only thing I'm guilty of was throwing WATER in his face for lying!! That was my boiling point for all his lying and cheating! Never done that to anyone!

The cop talked to me. I told him what happened the night before and apologized for H's exaggeration and being such a drama queen. The cop looked at me (I'm 5'3" 105 lbs, H is 6'4" 230, his sister 5'10, 150 lb) then them, shook his head, smiled and said, "I don't think I'm going to be needed here". He talked to them a minute, and he drove off.

You can only forgive once. But if you have a slimeball, lying SOB for spouse like mine who is not capable of being honest and faithful, there are no third chances! That's it! Done!!!

Lord, I'm so much more at peace without him in the house!

September 30, 2006

Flying High,

I'm sorry your xhtb was such a jerk. I'm hopeful that my husband is not still lying and cheating. Our mc says that I am taking a chance, but it will come out if he is in fact still up to the same things. I pray that he isn't, but if he is, I hope I have the peace you have.

September 30, 2006

Question: why do you ask? Do you want to hear "its ok to forgive" or do you want to hear "no. leave." Secondly, is what you WANT to hear different from what you KNOW you should do? Is that why you want to hear it - to short-circuit your brain in favor of your emotions? your answer is in the answer to those questions.

To stay is hard, but possible:

but you'll want therapy. a LOT of it. not only do you have to forgive (or not) and get a handle on a LOT of pain as well as the "what if" anxieties that follow an affair; he has to change FUNDAMENTALLY to avoid this behaviour and all the psychological reasons he cheated. And even though you are the 'victim' you also need to work on your relationship issues too (which we all have)but you can get through it.

or leave and go through that whole set of pain and anxiety, but there is probably another great guy you can start again with without this baggage.

(my vote is to leave, unless he confessed unprompted immediately after and it really was only once and not maybe-often-over-the-years AND he is willing and ready and actually goes through getting a MESS of therapy.)

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