Baileykeg Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Hello. I've debated posting here again because my situation is so confusing. I really need some advice to sort things out because I am struggling so much. Here goes: My MM separated from his wife 6 months before he and I got involved. He and I have now been together for 9 months. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. I have a son from a previous relationship that my MM says he wants to be a father to. We live in different cities but spend almost every weekend together and talk on the phone 7-8 times a day. He says he is moving on with his life as far as ending his marriage but that he hasn't been able to file for divorce because it's hard. He says he knows his marriage is over and that he and his W are just not compatible together. He says he wants to make the divorce as easy as possible on her. He says he feels guilty that she is alone and depressed. He says they have talked several times about filing the paperwork and she agrees that they need to end. He and I went NC for a while to let him sort things out to be clear on what he wants. After a short time he came back to me and said he was ready to file the paperwork and get the divorce behind him so that he and I could move on with our life. He told his W he wanted to file the paperwork and then a few days later she asked him not to file because it was just too hard. He agreed to wait a few weeks and for them to have NC. He says he is going to contact her soon and tell her he wants to file the paperwork. My problem is that I feel like I am trying to balance on a tightrope. Part of the time I want to believe in him 100% and wait for him to file the paperwork because of all the things he has said and done to show me he loves me. Then the other part tells me to end this "waiting game". Every day that goes by is another day that I am more and more lost as to what to do. I love him and I want to spend my life with him but I am so tired of the W getting to drag this out. Every time he gets to the point where he tells her that they need to get a divorce she initially agrees and then a few days later throws a tantrum that she's not ready or it's to hard or whatever the excuse of the day is and then he backs off. He says that he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her and that I should just be patient until all of this is over. I've asked him to get counseling to help himself. He has been going for about a month and a half now. I've seen some positive changes in him already as far as how he is looking at this situation but I'm still stuck in limbo. We have several obligations together coming up the next few months and I'm afraid to go NC with him prior to that and then miss or be miserable at these events. What do I do?
will2power Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Focus on yourself and get the book "how to survive your boyfriend's divorce". It will help you with dealing with what's going on and how to handle yourself and your BF. Take this time as an opportunity to find the things you like to do and do it and embrace this time alone as they are precious to self discovery and development. Good luck.
KrisMuseumGirl Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I know it seems like it's taking forever, but it really is a big step and can't be rushed. My advice would be to tell him to take his time in deciding what he wants to do and mean it. You want him to be sure and have regrets when he starts a life with you. That will take some pressure off him. Then I would give him some time where you occupy your self with something else. You have 1 child so I'm not sure if you're in a rush, but maybe stop and smell the roses for a little while and enjoy your son. When he makes up his mind then he should come back to you with a plan. Not only on the divorce, but how you are going to cohabitate - will he move here? Are you moving there? that kind of stuff. But don't stress yourself out over putting a time limit on what he is doing. You want him completely and wholly or not at all so give him time to figure it out. He'll probably realize he's losing you and decide to "poop or get off the pot" I mean what is taking so long anyway if they're both sure....unless their not - which is bad for you.
Author Baileykeg Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 We did the time apart thing where I told him to take as long as he needed to figure out what he wanted and who he wanted to spend his life with. I even asked if he had exhausted all the possibilities on his marriage and he said yes. We went NC for a week and he came back to me telling me he didn't want to waste any more time and that he was ready to file the paperwork and be able to move on with me. Then a few days later is when I find out that W cried and whined that she wasn't ready so he delayed in filing. The two of them agreed to have NC for a couple of weeks and then re-visit the filing issue. I know that during the NC she has called him at least once and left a message about her brother's wife having a baby. He called her and left a message that he was happy everyone was doing well. If they have had additional contact beyond that I don't know. Regardless, I feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for him to contact her again and talk about filing the papers. I feel like I'm either waiting to hear that it's going to happen or I'm more likely to hear yet another excuse as to why she isn't ready to file now. Either way I'm in limbo and I don't know what to do next. Advice???
norajane Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Tell him he can take all the time he needs, but you need NC until he actually FILES the paperwork for divorce. Intentions are good, but obviously not enough. He has to understand that he's allowing his sympathy for his wife's needs to delay HIS happiness.
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