Is it Too Soon???

[Dereks_Soul_Mate]

I am new here and I feel as though for the first time I am very much in love. In July I left a nine year relationship. It was not a terrible marriage but did not give either one of us what we were so desoerately looking for in life. I loved him and he is a great person just not for me.

I have recently met a wonderfull man who seems to be exactly what I have been searching for. He is kind, compassionate and really enjoys being my everything. I also have 4 children two of whom are severly disabled. That is not an issue with Derek. He says he loves me and that means loving the kids as well. He really is my amazing dream come true. We are so much alike and it is great when we are together. He is so intune on my emotions and what I want out of life and his goals and outlooks are incredibally the same as mine.

I truley feel that I am in love with him. I am aware of the entire rebound issues and have given it a lot of thought. I do not feel that I am on the rebound as I have come to terms with the end of my marriage. Also because it physically only ended in July but has been emotionally over for at least 3 years now.

I am just scared of hurting Derek or moving to quickly. I so badly want to be with him. He makes me smile like no one ever has and is such a romantic, which I am as well.

This past weekend we have started to talk about moving it up a level and possibly living together. I know in my heart that I want this and that we have had a very strong connection since day one but I also want to make sure that we do not rush things. We are looking at possibly starting this new and exciting journey for Christmas. Do you think this is rushing into something? I know in my heart it feels so right.

[superconductor]

I truley feel that I am in love with him... I truley feel that I am in love with him... I know in my heart it feels so right.

First of all, congratulations on meeting someone who seems to fit you and your children very well.

 

Now, I'm going to offer you a small bit of warning, which is a result of your choice of words:

 

You may feel you are in love with him. You may feel it is right. You may feel that you're his "soul mate" (of which there really isn't any such thing, but that's a different topic for a different thread).You may know in your heart that it feels so right.

 

But feelings lie.

 

You have already discovered that, because undoubtedly when you married your first husband you had feelings for him. But in the end, even though you still have feelings for him, they aren't enough to keep a relationship strong.

 

Using your feelings as a basis for a relationship is only one part - and a relatively small part, at that - of a whole number of other considerations.

 

You have to use your head, too.

 

For instance, do you have similar life goals? Similar outlook on financial obligations? Similar intellects? Is there anything that he does that bugs you? Is there anything you do that bugs him?

 

I'm not suggesting that you ignore your feelings, but that you integrate your feelings into the rest of your decision-making process.

[Dereks_Soul_Mate]

I agree with you 100% but I said in my first post that we want evrything the same in life. We talk openly about our goals and where we want to be in 1 year, five, ten and so on. we speak of our parents and siblings and its the same level of respect that we hold for our families. We have so much in common that its scary at times.

Also the fact that he has no issues about my children and the disabilities which takes up so much of my time. He has actually asked me to teach him so that he can be my support.

Thats why I suggessted Christmas because its still 3 months away and we will better know where we are trying to get at that oint. I could tell him to move in today but I have to give it time. Do u feel I am using my head? Please I am looking for good solid advice here.

[Cheshire Cat]

You said that you met Derek recently - how recently?

 

I am just scared of hurting Derek or moving to quickly.

 

If you didn't have any children, I'd say go for it if it feels so right - Derek's feelings might get hurt if things don't go as well as you wish, your feelings might get hurt but you are both mature and emotionally stable adults.

 

Problem is that the risk of hurting your children's feelings also goes into the equation.

What if you move in together, your children get very attached to Derek and things do not work out as you hoped? I don't know how old your children are, but you have to be very careful -expecially if they are very young.

 

I'd say do not rush things and wait before taking so big a step as living together - if you are really such a good match, neither of you is going anywhere, and you can commit to each other and see where the relationship goes while living in separate houses.

[Walk]

Wait til you've been together 6 months. You're both running on chemical endorphins that cloud the situation.

 

Why rush it anyways? Is he going to leave you if you two don't make the "next step" right now? You JUST left a marriage, give yourself some time to find your identity again as an individual before you meld it back into a full -blown live-in relationship...

 

Also.. don't make any move-in plans from christmas to new years. Talk about stress! Bad enough rushing around with presents and family and trying to get the perfect gift for your new SO, but to MOVE on top of that. Yuck. Too much stress! And to top it off, most people are pretty broke during that time frame. Why don't you think about sometime in late January or February. But not december - middle of january.

[Lisa32]

Congratulations!!! I think it's wonderful that you've found someone. I thought I was there once or twice, but they never panned out in the end. Hopefully one day it will for me. Every pot has a cover they say.

 

Anyway...what's the rush? You don't need to step it up this quickly. I know emotionally it was dead with your husband for 3 years...but you've only been with this guy for a short period of time. If you and he love and care about each other this much, then you should feel confident that it will still be there in the long run, and you should be feeling a sense of peace, not urgency and desperation.

 

You also have 4 kids to think about. You don't want to move in with this new guy. What if it didn't work out in the end? When you have kids, you need to give them as much stability and certainty as possible.

 

I know the feelings you have for this man is overwhelming and incredible, especially after being in an emotionally dead relationship for so long...but please be sure before you do anything serious. You need to be an adult about this and look at it realistically and maturely.

 

Also, things that move too quickly, usually don't last. The brightest flame dies the quickest. Nurture this new relationship and really get to know each other. If it's still growing in a years time...then think about moving in. Until then, take it slow...there's no rush. if you two genuinely love each other, then you'll both still be there.