struggling to let go

[LuvFaithTrustHope]

Hi everyone, I really need some good advise here, so I can finally move on with my life.

 

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended 9 months ago, December. After I broke up with her, I went 'no contact' for 3 months, but then broke the no contact after finding out that she kissed a co-worker when she was drunk. This was around Feburary. I called her, and we talked for a little bit, I cried to her on the phone telling her that I missed her, and wanted to have at least a friendship. She agreed, and we started to hang out again. We became friends with benefits, but even though I knew I didn't want to be back with her, I continued to let this friends with benefits continue on. However, it was hard to not be jealous, or upset when guys would go up to her in bars. It was hard for her too. After 3 months into this, I realized that we just cannot stay friends, for my sake and hers. I realized that I could not meet new people, reconcile old friendships, and move on if I continued to be in her life everyday as if we were back together. I told her that I could not be a friend to her, not right now. This happened at the end of May. Of course she was upset but I felt that was the best thing to do. However, I was not strong enough to walk away for good, so we just ended up keeping the communication between us limited. However, in early August, I noticed that she was distancing herself from me. Not emailing me as much, and when I would call her, she would not pick up the phone, etc. That made me furious because if she was thinking about going no contact herself, at least have the guts to tell me. I just felt that ignoring me was completely wrong. I ended up emailing her and when I did, I was not thinking straight, and ended up telling her a lot of mean and hurtful things. I did not mean anything I said, and regret it all, but now I can't take it all back. She kept the silence for a week after the things I said, and then finally emailed me telling me that it's over, that she no longer wants me to get in contact with her at all. This ended up hurting me to the point that I felt like she was breaking up with me even though I broke up with her in Dec.

 

In a way, going our seperate ways on bad terms was the only way she would stop getting in contact with me, and I would stop getting in contact with her. If it would have been on good terms, I honestly feel we would still be talking, and making it harder for us to move on. However, I now have a lot of guilt for the things I said to her. I feel that my life is getting better without her in it, but now I really miss her and feel I can talk to her again. It's hard for me to let go because I want her to forgive me, and I want to know if she has. I want to know if she is upset like me, or missing me, or thinking about me everyday, like I do. We were unseperaple for 5 years, and now we don't even talk, that's why it's so hard to let go.

 

The hardest part is no longer talking to her friends. Her friends decided to ignore me because she does not want to be tempted to hear what's going on my life. Because if this reason, I can't know how she is feeling without me in her life, and I cannot not know the things that my ex has been telling them about me. If she is with anyone new, etc. Everyone wants to know if they are missed.

 

I miss her a lot, sometimes I want to just go to her house so we can talk, but I think it's normal to feel this way, and if I give in, I may regret it. I don't want to get back with her, I just want closure, but a closure that goes well, knowing that she has forgiven me. I know I sent her that closure email apologizing, telling her that she is missed, and telling her that I will always keep her in my heart, and that hopefully one day we can be great friends once time has heal all wounds, etc...but still feel there is soo much more to say. I ended up sending her an e-card on her birthday, and she took the time to enter the confirmation code into the web site to view the card, instead of deleting the email right away, and not view it. I know this because I got a notification email saying that the card was viewed. However, I didn't get a thank you or anything.

 

I'm ok when I'm out with friends, or somewhere keeping myself busy, but as soon as I'm alone, all the memories consume my thoughts, and I start to get upset again. I know in time I will get through this, and it's going to take a long while, but it's just hard to get over this guilt I have.

 

I'm sorry for the long post, but any advice to guide me in the right direction, and to help me let go and move would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you

[swirly27]

Luv-

 

I am sorry you are going thru this, as it is a tough battle and heartbreaks hurt. But, from reading your post, I think you really need to come to terms with your own feelings here towards your ex and the relationship. You keep saying that you don't want to get back with her but you just want closure....but it almost seems like you are arguing with yourself on that one....and that is ok.

 

But you broke up with her in Dec. and then got jealous 3 months later when you heard she kissed someone.....is it possible that her kissing someone made you realize you in fact did want her OR you didn't want anyone else to have her, which is all normal feelings. (we have all been there) But now, you are the one feeling heartbreak and keep finding ways to contact her, but you keep saying you don't want her back.....then why do you keep finding ways to contact her? You already did email her saying you were sorry and you nicely sent her a bday card too. I know I don't know the whole story of everything, but you did all you could do and she now seems to want her space. You have to give her that. But, maybe you just miss her so much because she is now out of reach?? Its human nature for that to happen.

 

What you should do now is focus on yourself, like you are, and learn from this and heal a bit and just take care of you. Eventually, you will grow from this, learn from things and maybe one day you and your ex can be friends again....but only after you have both moved on. If she decides she wants to contact you, let it be because she came to that conclusion herself. You can't 'make' her want to talk to you or forgive you. Its just gonna be hard but it will just take some time. Good luck!

[fireflywy]

But you DID write to her and apologize to her. She DID look at the e-card you sent her.

 

I came out of a tumultous relationship where bad things were said between us. I felt horrible at the things that I said and I was dropped from her life. I went through months where I felt guilt and felt that I wouldn't get any iota of forgiveness from her.

 

I wrote my ex a closure letter (i wouldn't recommend anyone else doing that) two months following no contact because I wanted to make peace with both myself and the relationship. At the time I wrote it I thought that I wouldn't get forgiveness.

 

She got the letter and simple thanked me for writing it. A month later, after several times of passing eachother without comment, she also said hello for the first time.

 

Now, she didn't come right out and say that she forgave me, but the simple fact that she responded to the email, acknowledged me in public with a simple "hey" even after all that she leveled at me, was an indicator that she had made peace. In my mind, if she could say hello to me, then obviously I wasn't that bad. (which I wasn't now that I truly look back on all that happened)

 

Don't fret too much. You said your peace. She may not come back to you but you'll get forgiveness in some small way. My ex had a variety of issues and was friggen angry as a banshee at the end. Your ex sounds much more level headed, cared about you more deeply, and eventually you will get some small sign of forgiveness from her. (that doesn't mean she'll take you back of course, but it always adds a peace of mind)

 

Don't worry about it too much. You did what you could.

 

However, give her her space, move on, and do something fun and exciting for yourself. It truly does help.

 

Don't know if that helped, but it's just something I learned.

[LuvFaithTrustHope]

Thank you both for your good advice. I know in time I will get over the guilt, and sending her the closure letter, and the birthday card helped make some peace within myself, but I often wonder if it made any peace for her. If she just shrugged her shoulders in a 'whatever' mentality, and deleted the email and the card, also giving her satisfaction. Or I wonder if she was happy to hear from me knowing that I still care, or that I miss her.

 

I also wonder if she misses me, constantly has me in her thoughts, or if she is partying like an animal, messing around, or seeing someone.

These are the thoughts that make me struggle to move on.

 

I'm doing pretty good with the no contact thing. Since the email I sent her, I did not contact her in a month. Then I did by sending her a birthday card because I didn't want her to think that I no longer cared about her. However, because of getting no response out of her, not even a thank you, I in a way regret sending the card because it took me back to square one again of mourning the loss.

[KittenMoon]

We were unseperaple for 5 years, and now we don't even talk, that's why it's so hard to let go.

 

I am also getting out of a LTR (6.5 years) and even 7 months down the road I am still aware of the loss everyday. I think this is very natural, as people become very used to things in a relationship- a person's presence, as well as a routine, and suddenly, one day that is all gone. I still find myself mentally falling back into old routine (expecting a phone call, or the door bell to ring, etc) after all this time. Try to tell yourself you are breaking a habit and sometimes habits can take a LONG time to break. I think this is why you will often hear about it taking a year or more to heal from a long relationship (like a close LTR or a divorce)- you are breaking out of a habit of someone, a routine that includes someone. The more time passes and the more set in the new "routine" becomes, the better it will get (I hope )