jamesmonkey Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 3 months ago I got back together with my girlfriend after she left me. I begged her to return to me as I missed her. The reasons she left me were many silly things I did. One being receiving emails from, and sending to a female friend friend whom she felt jealous about- without telling her about the correspondance as I had promised to do so. I was in Japan at the time forgot. She had no real reason to feel jealous as it was just an old friend from university who I spoke to about once a month or so. My girlfriend emailed this friend back herself and told her off for being selfish and then dumped me. Since we've been back together (now in Germany) things have been rather difficult. She wants me to propose to her and is very upset that I haven't yet. She thinks it is long overdue as we have been together for 2 years, she is 38 and hopes to get married in time to have children. I am 9 years younger and it is my first relationship. She gets really angry about all sorts of little things but says this is primarily an effect of not being "claimed" by me. I find it difficult to ask someone to marry me when they are angry at me every day, often hitting and physically attacking me during rows and misunderstandings. To me it seems wrong to go from her calling me "useless ****ing idiot" and hitting me straight to me asking her "will you marry me?" within a few days. It is difficult to speak to her about this as mentioning the subject of engagement without asking the question desperately upsets her. She will say that I've "put my foot in it", demand an explaination, usually rock back and forth getting more and more agitated if I can't explain why I spoiled her special subject. This will usually end with her hitting me. I'm away from her for a few days at the moment and actually (guiltily) find it to be a relief. On our last day together we argued over something or other. I think it was to do with my negativity and the fact I don't do enough for her(which has been true in the past but I am improving). I couldn't explain or answer her comment "If you loved me you would do more for me. You would do it joyfully and you wouldn't hesititate" This ended with her physically attacking me by hitting me in the ribs and over the head with a heavy coffee cup. It hurt a lot. After this she ran into the bedroom and started crying and rocking. I tried to comfort her (but not very well) before pointing at my head and saying it hurt. This made her even more angry and she started kicking me. We made up later but I still felt shaken. She is full of fear and I believe she needs counselling. Maybe I do too. During a recent arguement she tried to strangle herself with a skipping rope. I still have nightmares about it. She is very good at talking and expressing her opinion and I am not. I often get muddled when I speak and put things in a confusing, unclear way. This results in her often talking at me for half an hour after which I give only a few small comments. She sees this as an indication that I don't care. Despite everything I do love her and want things to work between us if they can. She believes that if I ask her to marry me most of our problems and the tension will disappear. I find it difficult to trust this but can't explain my fear for it will upset her. We are both Christians (although that may be difficult to believe!). Myself a recent convert, she having been Christian for over 20 years. I don't know what the solution is to our dillema. I feel trapped in a circle of increasing negativity as things are. Things must change one way or another. Any advice appreciated.
superconductor Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 JM, here are some basic, fundamental things that have gone wrong here: 3 months ago I got back together with my girlfriend after she left me. I begged her to return to me as I missed her. Bad idea #1: Begging. One being receiving emails from, and sending to a female friend friend whom she felt jealous about- without telling her about the correspondance as I had promised to do so. Bad idea #2: Failing to follow through on your promise. Doesn't matter what the promise was, it's just that you didn't follow through and now your gf has a question mark in the trust category. She wants me to propose to her and is very upset that I haven't yet. Bad idea #3: Getting engaged/married because of pressure from your SO. I am 9 years younger and it is my first relationship. Bad idea #4: Just like you should never buy the first car you test drive, or buy the first house you see, you should think extremely hard about getting engaged/married to the first serious relationship. ...often hitting and physically attacking me during rows and misunderstandings. To me it seems wrong to go from her calling me "useless ****ing idiot" and hitting me straight to me asking her "will you marry me?" Bad idea #5: Tolerating abusive behaviour. I couldn't explain or answer her comment "If you loved me you would do more for me. You would do it joyfully and you wouldn't hesititate" Bad idea #6: Caving to emotional blackmail. This ended with her physically attacking me by hitting me in the ribs and over the head with a heavy coffee cup... she started kicking me. See #5 ...she tried to strangle herself with a skipping rope. Bad idea #7 & 8: Getting involved with a suicidal, irrational person. Also, a skipping rope won't work, they're too weak.This results in her often talking at me for half an hour after which I give only a few small comments. She sees this as an indication that I don't care. Bad idea #9: Tolerating her ranting. Despite everything I do love her and want things to work between us if they can. Bad idea #10: Trusting in "love" with all your heart but none of your head. Get away. Immediately. Not tomorrow, but before the sun sets today. Trust me on this: The pain you'll feel by breaking up with her now is nothing compared to a lifetime of horror in the same house as this woman.
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