I cant forgive myself

[overseas2004]

Hi to everyone and thanks for reading this.

 

My boyfriend broke up with me over 3 months ago and I have been a shell of a person since then. We were not together for long but from the very beggining he was talking about marriage and children with me. We are both 38. What caused the break up was that he asked me to go get an HIV test so we could have unprotected sex. I asked him what if I got pregnant and he said that he would not mind if I did, and went on to say that we were both 38 and needed to have children before 40 and that that would be ok by him.

 

Our relationship was long distance. I live in America and he lives in Europe but I travelled there every month for business so we got to see alot of each other.

 

The problem I had was that I just didnt trust him. When we were apart, I was definately doing more of the calling. If I left the calling up to him, I wouldnt hear from him at all sometimes for up to a month. I talked to him about this and he reassured me that I had nothing to worry about. But he could not explain why we did not have regular contact. On several occasions I would have a business trip to come to Europe and we would make plans to see each other. Then he would tell me that he might have to go to France on business and may not be available to see me. Still he never ended up going to france and we saw each other. On my next trip after that I told him it would be nice if I took my vacation time so that we could spend some time together. At first he agree, later to tell me that his friend in Greece was very sick, had to have an operation and he may have to go be there to help her get through it ( I did not know this friend). I tried to be really flexible but the worm of doubt was eating at my heart. He never ended up going to Greece, never explained why he didnt, and met me at the airport. Yet I could not take my vacation because now he had to go on a pre-planned sailing trip. That was my last visit. I spent only 6 days with him and we had unprotected sex. He pulled out and did not come inside me.

 

The worm of doubt got huge at that moment and we had an argument, right in bed. I told him that I was having trouble trusting him because he claimed he wanted to marry me and had children but he was pulling out during intercourse. I told him that I doubted him and all these trips he had to take whenever I was coming. I told him that it really bothered me that he wasnt calling often or at least emailing me.

 

At first we made up and the rest of the trip was fine. He reassured me that he really wanted to be with me and even asked me to move to Europe in September and come live with him.

 

But soon after I left he resumed the pattern of not calling me often. I got angry once again and I confronted him on the phone about it. I told him that I could not live with our lousy communication and told him I was used to talking to the person I am in a relationship with often. He broke up with me, saying that he couldnt forgive me for blowing up at him while we were in bed. He said that I was impulsive and that he had a relationship before where he and his girlfriend fought all the time and that he could not go through that again with me. He said that my anger at him made him doubt the fact that we were good together.

 

I know that he did alot of things that showed he may have not really been interested in what he claimed to be. Part of me though thinks that he was just not ready and that I put pressure on him to have a child with me that night. Pressure he wasnt ready for. know I cant have him back, but I loved him alot and really thought he was the one for me. I feel like my anxiety about having children was what ended this relationship and I cant seem to forgive myself for what happened. If I had only been patient and we had had some more time, maybe none of this would have happened?

 

On my last trip there,

[shawn_68]

If I had only been patient and we had had some more time, maybe none of this would have happened?

 

Sorry you're hurting overseas.

 

I think you need to stop blaming yourself. Maybe it would NOT have worked out if you would have been more patient. It's easy to put the blame on yourself, but not necessarily accurate.

 

One important thing I'd like to pass along. Always pay attention to anothers "actions" instead of "words." Actions are FAR more revealing. There were lots of red flags. And you noticed them. Pay attention to these.

 

I may be wrong, but it looks like to me he was in this for the sex. If this is the case, you're much better off without this type of person.

 

Lot's of great support around here so stick around.

 

All the best.

[Guest]

I think that this guy either 1. has a problem or 2 was not into you. I dont understand what motive he may have had for telling you to move, that he wanted children with you or all those other things. But it seems to me that he wasnt acting like a person normally does when they are sure they want to marry you and have kids with you.

 

I think that the relationship was doomed to fail no matter what you did. Although I do agree that pressuring men doesnt really ever produce the right results in this circumstance it sounds like you put up with quite a bit for a long time and anyone would have gotten angry.

 

You actually should have walked before he did. He wasnt showing you what you needed to see.

[overseas2004]

I incorrectly posted that he would not call me for a month. He would not call for five or six days if I did not call. BUt this is pretty bad to me.