carmex79 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 My boyfriend and I are in the process of buying a flat together - we have lived together, in rented accommodation, for 5 years and thought it was time to get on the property ladder. I'm 27 and have been keen to properly settle down for a couple of years now, had been dropping big hints about this, and had thought this was his intention too - hence the flat-buying together. My father is getting old and I'm keen for him to have grandkids fairly soon (I'm an only child). But after a heart-to-heart today I found out that marriage is just not on the horizon for him - in a few years he'll maybe think about it, but not just yet. That's just too uncertain and too far away for me, and I'm now thinking about leaving him and trying to find someone else - if I do it now, it might not be too late for my biological clock and my elderly dad. I don't want to buy the house with him as a business arrangement: we can sort out the legal agreements between us, but I'm not convinced there's a moral agreement that he's buying into. He's 18 months younger than me, but isn't a child, and I think that our 5 years together should be long enough for him to know how he feels about being with me and making this commitment. As far as I know, there's no-one else, our relationship is healthy, sex life ok (after 5 years it's unfortunately not dynamite!) etc etc etc....so why is he doing this?? He's otherwise a truly nice guy, not a 'typical' commitment-shy guy in any other way, so I just can't figure him out - and he can't explain it to me either. I love him, but I also desperately need to get married and start a family (preferably with him!). So what's going on, and what should I do??
norajane Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 You have to decide what's more important - being with him, or being married. I would agree that after 5 years, he ought to know his mind about whether he wants to marry you or not. I'd suggest that you not buy a flat together. If, in a few years, he decides he's still not ready for marriage, then you'll have a much more difficult time in separating since property is involved and you'll both have to sell the place or one will have to buy the other out. Just tell him you can't make a financial commitment like that unless you're married, and keep living together as you are or consider leaving him.
superconductor Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 He's made it abundantly clear that he's not interested in marriage. That does not mean, however, that he doesn't want you in his life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with two people who love each other to live together and never tie the knot. But I personally have known many couples who live together for a while, then get married, and suddenly something in the relationship changes and they end up splitting. I don't know why that is, but it happens a lot. One couple I know lived together for 7 years, got married, and were separated less than 6 months later. That can't be a coincidence.
honeybunch2k5 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 He may love you, but he may not want to get married. He may not feel the need since you are already living with him. Why should he want to get married if he already has everything he wants? Don't buy the cow if you can get the milk for free... Seriously though, maybe you should bring it up and not wait for him to propose. Like Superconductor was illustrating, marriage may not be in your best interest anyway.
superconductor Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Don't buy the cow if you can get the milk for free... I hate this saying. It's extraordinarily degrading to anyone - male or female - that doesn't buy into the whole "social norm" thing about marriage.
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