This is heartbreak all over again!

[D-Lish]

I thought I was getting over my break-up with the guy I'd been seeing for a year who left me three weeks ago. We'd had an initial brawl at the break up and then a few days ago we talked and had a really good discussion. I felt good about finding some closure- I even saw some spark of hope for some reconciliation perhaps down the road.

 

But tonight a good friend of mine called me to tell me some distressing news. She had just posted her profile on LavaLife and saw my ex had his picture posted. Lava Life is where we had met. Anyhow- the crappy part of it is that she said his profile was posted two months ago- when we were still dating and he was talking about moving in together.

 

What the f%#k? Now I feel like an idiot. I was so bloody nice to him during our meeting the other day. I even told him how sorry I was for my part in the demise of our relationship. Now I am just back to square one with the grieving. I've been sobbing and throwing up.

 

I truly thought I was a better judge of character. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I was feeling better, feeling more confident about myself, the tears had subsided....and now I'm just a mess again.

 

I just don't understand how I misread the person he was. We had gone away on a trip together a month ago, and he dumped me a week after getting home. Then he had the balls to ask me for some money for my part of the trip- even though he told me when we broke up that he had fallen out of love with me a few months ago. And the trip had been his idea- and he had planned it! I did give him the money. I didn't want that hanging over my head.

 

It just makes me wonder how I could ever trust anyone ever again. I trusted this man completely- never even thought he could have been searching on-line for a new lover while he was caressing me and telling me he loved me. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness and despair over this.

 

I just want to move on and try and forget I ever met him. I was doing so well- I don't want to take a step backwards in the grieving process.

 

I'm so angry. I will not confront him on this though- I refuse to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he has devastated me.

 

Wow, I feel so alone and so foolish.

D

[superconductor]

I'm sorry you feel so lost and alone, D-Lish. But if there's nothing else you can take from the countless breakup threads here on LS, you can be assured that you will get over this.

 

There's also a good lesson here:

I truly thought I was a better judge of character... I just don't understand how I misread the person he was... It just makes me wonder how I could ever trust anyone ever again...

It sounds like you relied upon your feelings. While your feelings are important, you also have to use your head. Feelings lie. Not all the time, of course, but often enough that you can't count on them 100%. So when it comes time to get involved again, use your heart and your head. It's not guarantee of success, of course, but at least you'll be clearer than if you used just one or the other.

[Rooster_DAR]

I agree with conductor, and this is a lesson I have learned recently as well. I'm sorry you are going through this, I am going through almost exactly the same thing except I was with my fiance for almost 5 years.

 

I really thought we were different than the kaos in the rest of the world, and we were going to be the couple that everybody looked at an envied for surviving in a somewhat insurviable world of LTR's. Boy was I wrong, people can seemingly change overnight, so bad the the O/P gets thrown into a spiral of confusion and desperation.

 

Another thing a lot of people (dumpers) do, is prepare for their next life well before you are clued into anything being amiss. The we (the dumpees) are left with shattered ego's, low self esteem, and a destroyed carcass of what we thought was the love of a lifetime.

 

Since my breakup, I have strenghtened myself in many areas of my life including the ability to keep my esteem and digity number one. Basically, most of the time now I feel great and I'm glad I got out of the funk. Yes, there are times I still have pain and loss that come around, but for the most part I realize there is nothing that can be done and to let this funk take over your life really makes the other person have gotten the best of you.

 

Good luck

[D-Lish]

Thanks for the encouraging words.

 

I know I wasn't perfect in the relationship- but neither was he.... I just had no clue the break up was coming because I felt we were very much in love and that we could survive the rough patches. He was the first person I'd truly cared about since my divorce three years ago.

 

It's just that feeling of having no control over the situation that I can't shake. My stomache is in knots and my head is racing. I just feel foolish for believing in something that wasn't there... for believing in someone who wasn't at all the person I thought he was.

 

I want to call him and tell him off- but I wouldn't dare. I wrote him an angry e-mail that I didn't send- and don't plan on sending. That at least helps me vent some of my anger.

 

For now, I am just trying to work on the changes I need to make that contributed to the demise of my relationship with him. Each time I suffer a heartbreak I become more and more jaded and unwilling to open up to the next person who comes my way.

 

My ex husband cheated on me and got another woman pregnant... I haven't been able to shake my trust issues as a result of that. Now I find out that this guy was probably dating behind my back... I just don't want to enter into my next relationship with all these residual unresolved issues.

[Rooster_DAR]

I share your resentment and anger in all of this. You also probably feel that you have been treated unfairly in life in general, and feel like your incapable of ever keeping a LTR. When a relationship ends, it's painful for both sides despite of what you may think. It's a bit harder on the dumpee because we are left feeling that we are flawed, or we don't stand up to their expectations, which in turn spirals all of our negative feeling out of control.

 

Do some self recognition|self discovery and take time to read books, articles, and forums about what your going through and how to build your dignity and character. You sound like a really cool person to me, so hang in there kiddo, post back if you need to holler! Remember, your not alone and all of us here have been through this crap, and we are continuing to experience the pain and healing at the same time.

 

Cya

[D-Lish]

Thanks Roo,

 

I did some retail therapy today- it helped some.

I also picked up some reading that may help with the break up.

 

It's just that feeling of being duped that has blind sided me.

I guess I have to be thankful that this man ended it with me. I've been through a rough time the past couple because I lost my business- and he broke up with me during this rough period because he couldn't handle being my support system. How would he have handled me if I had something worse happen- or if we had have gone on to have a baby or something along those lines?

 

It's best I know now how much of a coward he is.

 

For the past few weeks I have been holding onto the hope that we would reconcile and never really started the grieving I need to do. Now that I know it is over, I can start the long journey of getting over this.

 

I've read your posts, and I've been reading others. It's nice to be in a forum where people are experiencing the same issues.

 

I know this man cared for me at some point. But I also know that he has been breaking up with me in his head for some time now. So he has had time to recover- and me being blind sided by it- well, I am just beginning my suffering.

 

I'm going to keep busy to try and keep my mind off it.

Thanks again.

Dee

[Mimsicles]

You are in the same situation as me, i put all of my trust into my byf, and then he goes and dumps me, i found out recently he is with some one else and we only split 2 weeks ago. He told me he loved me, never wanted anyone else, would marry me ect, but now i feel like i will never trust of believe another man again

 

I think the best thing to do, is to cut all communication with him and make him jealous, it sounds to me like its his loss at the end of the day, and give him a few months and he'll realise he's made the biggest mistake of his life.

 

God men!

[D-Lish]

I think you're right about the cutting all contact.

I have been nice to him since the break up- far too nice.

 

How long did you and your BF go out for? Hope you're doing okay.

 

Trust is a hard thing to develop. When someone hurts you or decieves you, it just makes you mistrustful of the world around you. I know it will be hard for me to EVER trust anyone again. Guess I really do have to think more with my head instead of following my heart the next time around.

 

I've been a walking zombie for the last few weeks- it's time to snap out of it and move forward! Hope you are doing the same!

 

Dee

[Rooster_DAR]

You are in the same situation as me, i put all of my trust into my byf, and then he goes and dumps me, i found out recently he is with some one else and we only split 2 weeks ago. He told me he loved me, never wanted anyone else, would marry me ect, but now i feel like i will never trust of believe another man again

 

I think the best thing to do, is to cut all communication with him and make him jealous, it sounds to me like its his loss at the end of the day, and give him a few months and he'll realise he's made the biggest mistake of his life.

 

God men!

 

How long were you together Mimsicles? and did you live together?

 

Sounds like he's a real loser to me.

[Tormented]

D...

 

I don't know if you've read my thread, "My God, I hurt so bad," but I went through a similar thing with my ex. I very much know how it feels to be told how much you're loved, to have a picture painted of a wonderful future together, to be made to feel "special" and "loved," and then....tossed aside like yesterday's news. Oh yeah....I DO know. And believe me, I know exactly what you're going through.

 

The first thing you MUST do is cut ALL contact with this man. No phone calls, no IM's, no letters, no meetings...NOTHING. I don't say this lightly because I know how hard it is to do what I have suggested. It's hard because you're reeling with shock, with pain, with rage, with a myriad of questions.

 

And you feel that only he can stop this hell you're now living in. But you know what? He won't. He's too much of a coward to give you straight answers...the answers you need to move on.

 

Think about it. He deceived you in many areas of your relationship, right? So why would you trust the answers he gives as the truth? You can't, so don't go there. It won't help you. It will only fetch you more lies, deceit, and possible false hope, which, of course, will inflict more pain.

 

Like you, I have been beating my head against the walls with the "how can he!?", the "why's!?", and of course, the "what did I do wrong, why did he leave?"

 

Simple answer: You did nothing wrong. This is HIS problem...don't take it on. It's not yours to bear. Move on....leave this baggage where you found it...in HIS hands.

 

I recently discovered something about my ex that has just blown me away, yet it has helped me to understand, to heal.

 

A psychologist I work with pointed out, after hearing the behaviors displayed by my ex, which, by the way, sounds familiar to yours, that my ex meets the criteria of a Narssistic Personality. If you've never heard of this disorder, or know nothing or little about it, I encourage you to read up on it. I did, and in doing so, I completely understood WHY, but more importantly HOW he could do what he did to me. I now understand it had nothing to do with me, or what I did or didn't do. Nothing I could have done to change the outcome, and I suspect this is the case with your situation.

 

There is a man named Sam Vaknin, a Narcisist himself, who has written extensive articles and book on this disorder. I recommond that you look him up on the internet and read what he has to say. I think you'll be amazed at how many symptoms your ex displays...basing it upon what you have written.

 

Take a peak at Sam's site...let me know what you think, and if it helped.

 

Hang in there!! We're all in this thing together.

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

Yes, I have read over your posts- and much of what I read hit home with me. I will go and do a little research on the net on that.

 

He raked me over the coals with guilt when he dumped me. Told me I was a mean and horrible human being who had made him miserable for the past four months. So I've been walking around for the past few weeks trying to think about what I had done to make him think that of me. He said things that were were totally off the wall about me. I know I wasn't perfect- but hell, I had lost my business and was in financial ruin. I think I had a right to lean on him.

 

For the first 7 months of our relationship I gave everything I had to him, I did so much for him- but when things got rough for me, he bolted and told me I was an awful person. I even apologized to him for making him miserable when we met during the week.

 

I've just been walking around feeling like crap about myself, thinking how selfish I was to lean on him. I've been wracking my brain trying to remember specific situations that made him feel like that.

 

You are all right about the no contact. I had been trying to keep the lines of communication open until I found out what he had done. Now I am just going to cut him loose for good. It will be hard- i want to scream at him. But I am not going to do that.

 

Thanks for your support.

I just want the pain to go away. Like I said, I was starting to feel better. I wish I hadn't found out that he had been posting a love profile on the web before we broke up. It's sooo much better not knowing.

 

Dee

[SUMMER 1969]

Get the book called " woman who love to much " I promise you will enjoy this book.. It really helps.. I have read it a few times now..

 

It expalins why we are the way we are.. It gives examples on woman who stay with men for all sorts of reasons..

[Amour77]

Don't feel guilty, D-Lish....

In a relationship, it is not black and white. Nobody is 100% right and nobody is always 100% wrong. Even if it is 80/20, both parties are wrong. Remember that...

 

You may have done wrong things, but I am sure he has done the same.

 

Do not feel guilty! I know you have taken good steps, so keep it up!

 

All the best

[D-Lish]

Thanks!

 

At a time like this, the best thing I can do for myself is to work on the things that I need to do to be better in my next relationship.

 

Guilt can be a nasty emotion to internalize! I'm trying to forgive myself a bit.

 

Thanks for the encouragement.

Wish the pain would stop though!

 

Dee

[Amour77]

You will never know whether you have changed or not until you are with someone else you really love.... Until then, do not torture yourself!