wantedbetter Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 About once or twice a year my wife will fight with me to the extent that she'll threaten divorce. Over the last four - five years the fights can start over little things like me forgeting something at the grocery store and she can just escalate herself into that kind of frenzy. The problem is that now my kids are at the perfect age to feel really horrible, like their world is coming to an end, when a parent threatens that. I know this, so I'd rather cut off my right arm that play around with or throw out that word when I have no intention of inflicting that on my kids. On the other hand my wife seems to relish getting the kids crying with, I believe, a two-fold purpose in mind. 1) I guess she thinks it hurts me to seem our kids so anguished, and she's right, it does pain me to she them hurt so, and 2) best I can figure, she wants us all on our knees begging her not to leave us. See if it were just us, I'd blow her off till she got in "her right mind" again. Or, if this got too OLD, with no kids, I'd call her bluff and start the divorce proceedings. See, but now there are kids to think about and their emotional states. I'm trying to gird their pysche's against these one/two time a year tirades and teach them to think, "Oh, mom's a little crazy right now. She'll be back in a few days." But it's tough, they're young. Any other tactics you all can suggest. Oh, and if you can't guess already, calling her bluff is NOT an option. Thanks! WB
Guest Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 WB Her behavior is very manipulative ! I'm sure she doesn't realize it, but to throw the word 'divorce' around in front of children is really selfish of her. Sounds like the two of you would benefit from marriage counseling. Would she agree? She sounds like someone who bottles up all her feelings, then lets them fly when it all gets to be too much. People who do this tend to fly off the handle off a small, trivial thing but then it quickly escalates the way you describe. However, it doesn't help for you to tell your kids, "Mom's a little crazy right now" I don't think that's a healthy message either. It's basically discounting your wife's feelings and making her appear irrational. She may have some very VALID feelings. It's just that the way she expresses them is unhealthy and manipulative. I'd see about the counseling. A trained third party may be able to help you learn to communicate more effectively and avoid these blowouts. Please realize, there is something YOU are doing as well that contributes to this scenario.
luvstarved Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Well I hope what I say is useful because I did the same thing to my husband for 5 or 6 years, with about the same frequency, except only once or twice where the kids were within earshot and that was unintentional on my part. I had a burning issue that he knew was the crux of the matter and it sounds as though your wife doesn't give any reason for bringing out this extreme threat. That's not to say it isn't there though. If I were you, I would think it through, get my thoughts together (write a letter to her for practice if it helps, not to actually give her but just to collect your thoughts, that helps me) and then get her into a situation where the two of you are alone and TALK to her about it. Do it when she is in a relatively good mood. Sometimes I used to avoid bringing up issues when my H was in a good mood 'cause I hated to spoil the mood but obviously you want to talk when she is at her most calm and rational. Tell her how it concerns you and tell her this is her opportunity to let you know what it is that is making her unhappy to the point of suggesting divorce. I would not focus on the kids' reaction because if she is pointedly doing it in their presence to hurt you more you are only handing her more ammo to do the same again later. Just press her for what it is that is really bothering her, tell her you can't work on the problem if you don't know what it is, while reassuring her that you love her and want to do anything needed to improve the marriage. If she is evasive and says nothing is wrong, take her at her word for the moment, but the very next time she does it, repeat the process with increasing persistence. If she continues, her argument that nothing is wrong weakens if you keep calling her on it...and I think eventually she will open up. Possibly she just gets frustrated and this is her way of dealing. If that is the case, you can help her understand how hurtful it is and help her find a less destructive way of dealing with frustration. My guess is that there is something bothering her that she just hasn't been willing to talk about and so she just occasionally blows up instead, but you really won't know what's going on until you insist on having a rational discussion about the marriage... Best wishes
superconductor Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 My ex used to do this all the time. As soon as we got into any sort of disagreement, she'd play the divorce card almost immediately. Being the "nice guy" and ball-less man I was, I would capitulate. Bad idea. Very bad idea. Essentially, she began to use the divorce threat to get her way on almost anything. Finally, after some agonizing soul-searching, I began to "man up" and call her on it. Suddenly, I became the bad guy. "If this marriage means anything to you, then you'll fight for it!" But I had been fighting for it for years, to no avail. We eventually split and divorced. And I'm thankful that we did.
Author wantedbetter Posted September 17, 2006 Author Posted September 17, 2006 We desparately need counseling, I agree. A key component to counseling is that BOTH parties have to up to bearing some responsibility for the problem. My wife will not do that. I know from two previous attempts at counseling. Each time as the counselors begain to "zero -in" on her very twisted view of marriage, she bail out accusing me and the counselor of "ganging up" on her! Essentially in her view, counseling will work IF we can find a counselor who will help her blame me for her depression/anger . . . you name it.
LVspecB Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Essentially in her view, counseling will work IF we can find a counselor who will help her blame me for her anger . . . For her anger over...what? That's the missing piece here because, unless she really is irrational, there is obviously something troubling her greatly. I feel for your situation. Once the "D" word is out of the box and considered an option by either partner, tough to go back from there. Good luck... LVspecB
Woggle Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 TAlk to a lwyer and get your ducks ina row as far as custody and call her on her bluff. This is abuse to both you and your children and I would document it. THis will eventually end in divorce so why not gte it over with. Men should never let women suck them into these games.
Hard2Think Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I agree. My mother used to pull this crap all the time whan I was a kid. This is unbelievably stressful on the kids as they tend to take everything seriously when it comes from an adult. If they're anything like I was, they do not for a second feel too secure right now .. This IS abuse of both you and the kids. If you can't get her to see that, then you do get yourself and the kids out of that situation. TAlk to a lwyer and get your ducks ina row as far as custody and call her on her bluff. This is abuse to both you and your children and I would document it. THis will eventually end in divorce so why not gte it over with. Men should never let women suck them into these games.
Author wantedbetter Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 LVSpec I'm not a therapist and as I've said, she's resisted counseling in that when we'd go, she'd tell the therapist, " I'm not a "little woman" to be kept home on a budget! There's things I want to to do (generally meaning home projects or shopping) and I hate him when he tells me "no" !" And I don't tell her "no" . I just show her our budget, our bills, and I thought, as a grown-up person, she'd see that we basically have a life where we can't get whatever we want to get whenever we want to get it. I think most Americans, outside of Bill and Melissa Gates, are like us. There's just not an endless supply of money. I think her issues are deeper than that (though I'm still not a therapist) because I see how her brother and sister are. They're all depressed and they mask their pain in "busy-ness" My wife and her sister are two peas in a pod, but her sister married ( I guess) a little better than her. I guess her husband probably makes $200,000 a year whereas I've failed my wife at $135,000. So they constantly one-up each other with home projects. This is so they NEER have to through quietness, book reading, sefl-reflection, walks, etc. Basically they don't like being with themselves. Being at a mall is better. LAtely I've stopped turning myself inside out to please her, putting stuff on credit cards, etc. And she doesn't like that. I think one reason I'd jump so in the past is that I saw her being happy for a day or so as a chance we'd be able to make love. We were a once-twice a month couple. Now that that frequency has slipped to once every month and half to two months, I figure, "what's the point." If she's going to get mad at me what's she going to do . . . . .have LESS sex with me? She can't !! I guess she figures this tactic of really emotionally devastating our kids with this fear of divorce will work on me. So far, she's right.
Recommended Posts