contemplating separation

[cosmic10]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new to this forum. Thought I would share my story and perhaps get some feedback. I have been married for about 3 years but have been together with my partner for about 10 years. We do not have any children together.

 

I would say that we are very different people and have very different interests and in some ways are polar opposites. Originally when we were together we overlooked these differences where now we irritate each other. Its to the point where we don't really spend much time together I go to the gym and he golfs. Our tendancy is to argue that now we find it more pleasurable to spend time by ourselves, at least I do. However, he is a wonderful person and takes care of me and our home.

 

Another problem is sexually the chemistry is no longer there for me where I don't have any interest. I sometimes secretly think of being with somebody else. I have also struggled with depression so this could be part of it.

 

Also, we are starting to hit a crossroads with children where I know he wants children and I'm not so sure. I'm definitely into my career and feel its starting to take off in the right direction. Sometimes I wonder if perhaps he is not the right person which I why I don't want children with him now? I'm not sure.

 

Perhaps this seems extremely selfish of me. Sometimes I think I got involved too young and did not really take the time to date other people before committing. Orignally I thought it was love but now I'm not so sure. I've come to realize that it certainly takes a lot more than love to make a marriage work. Why I've been thinking about separation is that I'm approaching 30 and he is in his mid thirties where we would both have an opportunity to start over and perhaps meet the person of our dreams. He certainly is a great guy and any woman would be lucky to have him.

 

Help! Cosmic Girl

[Plato1969]

Well, I feel like I can offer some advice here...going through a divorce myself (with kids.)

 

First, if you have these kinds of doubts, DON'T complicate issues by having children to possibly "save" the relationship. It will only make things worse in the long run, I guarantee that.

 

Have you sought counseling? I feel, that if you were to do anything, that would be the place to start. Too many people think that leaving is the first step to resolving an issue with their relationship. You owe it to your marriage to put some real work into it before giving up. Exhaust ALL options. Being the one that is contemplating walking out puts all the power in your court now. You're the one that is in position to either save or kill the marriage. Think about what you're doing and how it's going to affect you and him. Sure, things might look swell outside the relationship, but it only appears that way. Don't do something to damage your marriage beyond repair until you have tried everything to fix it. Engage him and convince him that the marriage is on the line. If he values it, he'll step up and put work into it, but it will be a hard road no matter what happens. There's nothing out there that can't wait for you, so put some real work into this and if you still end up leaving, at least you can say you REALLY tried.

 

Just my .02

[dgiirl]

I agree with Plato, I think people need to earn their way out of a marriage. I understand the drifting apart and losing the spark, but have you put in any effort to keep it alive? If you dont water a plant, it's going to die. And although you can go out and buy another plant, if you dont learn to water it, it'll die too.

 

First and foremost, do not have any kids while you feel this way. It will only make matters worse. Then get some counselling. You mention depression, which might be the cause of you losing interest in your husband. Wouldnt it be a shame if you could treat the depression, and that would save your marriage, yet you didnt even try? This is why you need to earn your right out of a marriage. After you've tried every possible thing, and it's still not working, then you earn your stripes. This will benefit you in the long run because you will be able to honestly say you've tried everything.

 

I would recommend to start reading marriagebuilders and divorcebusting websites. They have a lot of good material for you to start analyzing what's lacking in your marriage and steps on how to rebuild it.

[Gunny376]

Guess what! Men aren't the number one subscribers to women's magazines! I realize that's a shock to you, but they're not.

 

Women start out as girls, reading "17" and other such magazines. They sit around and talk about relationships, and how guy treat their GF's. Relatioships are to teen girls what sports and cars are to guys.

 

We just don't study it like girls do. Then we become men, and girls become women.

 

You sound as though you've got a decent guy, you just need to educate him about romance, relationships, your emotioinal needs.

 

Dgril and Plato are right ~ you've got to work at it.

 

With this guy or someone else you need to read at least one book a year on relationships and personal finance. the source of people's most common problems.

 

At the very least go to Barnes and Noble's bookstore and get a book on rommance ~ and smack him upside the head with it! Throw it in his lap and tell him ~ "Get a clue *******!"

[cosmic10]

Hi there,

 

Thank you all for your feedback. I appreciate it and will take what you have said into consideration.

 

Cosmic girl