ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Wow, what a night... Anybody that has read my thread might know that me and my husband has been separated for 2 1/2 months now, he left me, since he has left I have spent almost every weekend with him, of course me going to see him. Well here it is Saturaday, and I got to spend time with him. But this time was different, I opened up my feelings and let him know what I thought, how I felt, and if he didnt care it didnt matter to me because I had something I wanted to say even if he didnt like it. It needed to be said. For some strange reason my husband thinks we can maintain our marriage living in separate places.. I just can not do this anymore.. I hate the thought I go to him, I call him, and make ever effort to be with him. While he does nothing.. I am so tired of this. How many people can say they can live apart from their spouse and feel happy in their marriage. To me you cant, but to my husband he thinks he can. I just dont get it... He tells me he loves me, but he doesnt put the work into our marriage. He comes and goes as he pleases, meanwhile I am trying to figure out how we can spend time together and how we can make this work. But it is hard.. He tells me it isnt easy for him either, but he is trying to make the best out of things and that I only look at the bad.. But come on, he lives there and I live here, he doesnt care what is happening in my life on a daily base, he doesnt care that I am struggling to pay the bills, he doesnt show any interest in me or my kids, if this is love I would be hate to see how he hates someone... Tonight, I told him I am letting him go, I can not keep living my life like this... I really felt good to let him know where I stood. I didnt care if he wasnt listening, I didnt care what he thought, because I am sick of it... I probably wont hear from him any time soon, but serious, I dont care,(at least right now, give me another hour, and I will probably regret saying what I did say to him), after tonight I might of lost him for good... But I am realizing I already lost him months ago...
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 You're on the right track, Al. but you're still not doing the NC, which is very hard, true but you don't seem to be doing it at all. He's still got the best of both worlds.....he doesn't have to live with you but you're still around feeding his emotional and physical needs. When you told him you were done, did he have any reaction at all? If not, then open your eyes cuz its the same one he'll give when the D is final. He obviously thinks nothing of the state of your marriage. You're doing all the work and for what? So you can be married to a guy who loves his fish more than you? Ugh. You laid the groundwork, now follow thru on it. What are you afraid of? That you can't or won't find someone else? That you love him too much to let him go? He's already let you go, and if that's his version of love, I feel very sorry for you to even want to be with him. This is harsh and I'm sorry but after my own emerging, its hard to see what others have to go thru with someone that isn't willing to try. You deserve so much better. Tell the guy to go jump in his fishtank and get out of this before you get hurt anymore.
Author ALLALONEAT35 Posted September 18, 2006 Author Posted September 18, 2006 girl your always right.. I feel like you know me and him... I wished I didnt feel so alone.... I am really struggling with the letting go part. The best way to describe it, he is my addiction... sad enough to say..... What does the NC mean?
Lor Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 NC means no contact. It's more than likely the hardest part of the whole deal since you feel like you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. The only contact you should have with him is impersonal; stuff with bills, kids, things like that. That means no visiting, no calling, no emailing, and when he shows up on your doorstep with the I love you's you say that he has a funny way of showing it. And its sooooo hard, honey cuz all you want is him back. One day you'll be fine, then next you'll want to call and beg, plead and whimper for him. Don't give in to the impulse; stand firm and like an addict, eventually the cravings will get less and less. I know you and him because it is the same thing I went thru, without the fish. You're not alone, even if it feels like it, and it does hurt like hell--don't let anyone tell you this is easy. Its the worse pain, the worse heartache, the worse feeling. Probably you're blaming yourself, wondering what you could have, should have done better. There is nothing you could have done different unless you were June Cleaver. Life is what we make of it and that's what you need to discover now, is that there is a life for you out there, if you will go find it. There are so many things to do, so many places to go see. Where have you always wanted to go but never did cuz he wasn't interested? What have you always wanted to do but never did? You have concentrated all your efforts on trying to win back your H, showing him your undivided attention, trying to atone for any mistakes you've made along the way. Sad thing is, what you've done could not be any worse and probably no where near as bad as some have done in their M. Your H is being incredibly selfish and that may not change for a long time. So what are you going to do? Waste your life waiting for someone who may or may not ever come back? Who may or may not ever become the man you first fell in love with? Usually when they go thru this, they don't return to the same person they were--in layman's terms, what you see with him now is what you get. Are you willing to settle for that or do you deserve better? Someone who understands you, emotionally and physically supports and compliments you? Someone who will listen? You don't and shouldn't go looking right now for "Mr. Right". He's out there somewhere and he's not looking for you either. It'll happen when it happens. For now, you need to take your eye off your H and focus it on yourself and your kids. You've put so much energy into Mr. Fish that you're kids are probably feeling the strain, too. If its meant to be, your H coming home, then so be it, but you need to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem or when and if he comes back, you'll always be wondering when he'll leave again.
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