keira_s01 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 About a year ago, I had an affair with someone at my work. We're both married (for a long time). We were deeply attracted to each other and both agreed that this is a "friends with benefits" deal from the start. Everything was really exciting at first, but I realized that I could no longer lead a double-life and do this to my husband. The guilt was just too much. It was very hard since I still worked with him! I ended it with him in a civilized way (talking face-to-face in a mature way), a few months later but he wouldn't quit. So another couple months later, I attempted to end it again by sending a letter (expressing very gently but firmly how the guilt was eating at me and to stop contacting me), but it didn't work either. Finally, 2 months later, I moved to Boston since fortunately my husband was getting relocated there. I thought this would send him a clear message that it's over. But, about a month ago, he flew to Boston on a business trip and contacted me. I was really trying hard to resist, but I eventually gave in. We saw each other, and it was great at first, having all these intense feelings come back again. But I soon realized that what I was doing would only complicate things for me again. And if I truly loved my husband, I wouldn't be doing this...again. We didn't have sex, I just left but parted in amicable terms. I love my husband...and am painfully but surely learning what I had gotten myself into. And I was moving on with my life but I have to admit, I still keep thinking about this other man. It's like a craving that you can't resist. Anyway, about 3 weeks later, I went out to Seattle for a friend's wedding. I couldn't resist, being in the same city as him and having all these memories come back - I decided to contact him...over text message (our main form of contact). I was still confused (obviously), and kept changing my mind about seeing him. Unfortunately, in his third attempt of wanting to see me which resulted at all times in rejection, his message was crude and immature. (Perhaps in any other circumstance, it wouldn't be, but it was over text and it's just hard to know what the other person's thinking or feeling at that time). So I responded crudely too. Crude but very direct that it was over. It went downhill from there. I didn't mean to hurt him, but now I'm feeling bad for what I said. In a way, I admit, I was playing his game (contacting him again like he did to me) because he didn't respect my wishes when I told him to stop contacting me. But part of me also still had a burning desire to see him. But I knew that seeing each other again would be bad for both our marriages, so I just ended it...in a hurtful way. Should I say sorry for responding that way (so we won't have any bad feelings towards each other) and end it at that (absolutely NO contact in the future) or should I just leave it alone? We had a great and passionate time together, so I was hoping it wouldn't end this way. But will contacting him send him a message that I'm not serious about my word? It seems this would be the only way as my "civilized" attempts to end it in the past failed. Also (and this is mainly to the guys), when a woman ends it, does that give the other man the impression I wanted something more? That was definitely not the case. I never wanted to ruin either of our marriages (and I'm glad it never went that way!). But there was a bit of an emotional attachment. Is this normal even though we set the boundaries in the beginning that this is purely a sexual thing? Any advice would help. This is really exhausting and I don't recommend it to anyone! I just want to put this chapter of my life to bed and focus on my marriage...but I thought I'd listen to what you have to say first. Thanks.
Sup Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 You better tell you husband everything, and let HIM decide what he what's to do with his life. How would you feel if HE did this to you, what would you want to do? I really feel for your husband, because he's wasting HIS life on you, time, money, etc. Let your husband go, and don't take him for anything!
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I ended it with him in a civilized way (talking face-to-face in a mature way), a few months later but he wouldn't quit Let's re-word that...he wouldn't leave you alone and you couldn't say no to him because he pursued you again...Don't put all the blame on the MM! Come on now, it's time for YOU to take responsibility for your own actions. NOONE forces anyone to 'have' an affair. That was your choice. But, about a month ago, he flew to Boston on a business trip and contacted me. I was really trying hard to resist, but I eventually gave in Again, your choice. How did he get your phone number and find you in Boston? I still keep thinking about this other man. It's like a craving that you can't resist. Anyway, about 3 weeks later, I went out to Seattle for a friend's wedding. I couldn't resist, being in the same city as him and having all these memories come back - I decided to contact him...over text message (our main form of contact). I was still confused (obviously), and kept changing my mind about seeing him. Until YOU decide who you really want, this will go on forever. You're giving the MM mixed messages, come here, go away, come here, go away...And do you know what?? That MM LOVES the power he has over you. It's all about the lust, desire and sex, excitement - Not real love. It's all based on fantasy. IF you two really loved eachother then you'd divorce your spouses and be together...But, you don't want that, seeing as you've said you love your husband... Should I say sorry for responding that way (so we won't have any bad feelings towards each other) and end it at that (absolutely NO contact in the future) NO! You owe the MM nothing. Tell him in ONE FINAL email that it's over and you won't be responding to any emails from him. Then, change your phone number, cell and block him online. Get some therapy for yourself, talk it out, deal with the emotions, get strong and END it with the MM. IF you don't do that, your life will be as it is now... Then tell your husband because the MM COULD very well contact your husband out of spite. It's better for your husband to hear it from you rather than the MM or someone else. Plus, I'm sure others know what's been going on. People around you two aren't stupid, so honestly, I'm sure your hubby knows something is up and just is ignoring his gut instinct.
Bryanp Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him and putting his health at risk for STD's? Does your husband really deserve this from you? If you have any respect left for your husband you will be open and honest with him so he can decide whether or not if he wishes to work on recovery of your marriage. Right now you are playing your husband as a total fool. How very sad for him.
michaelk Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 You need to get serious about having a no contact rule between you and your MM. That means you definitely do not apologize or anything else. You never talk, text, email him again, whether you initiate or are responding. Total lack of contact. Anything less says you're not committed to giving him up and being with your H. And I would definitely not confess any of this to your H, unless your goal actually is to end your marriage. Take it as a lesson learned and put your energies back into your H.
Guest Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I am involved with MM, though I have been separated from H for 3 years. MM went back to W more than a year ago. Recently he has walked back into my life and we are finding it very dificult to stay away from each other. He has no intention of leaving W, but is struggling with his feelings for me. Personally, I would appreciate it if he gave me a reason to be angry at him. Would make everything much easier. I would suggest you just leave it alone...that is if you really want your M to work.
bunset Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I agree with the last couple of posts. You do need to leave the situation at that. Perhaps you should also seek some support or counseling to help you cope. It is my strong belief that your H should/could be your best means of support, but if your M cannot be that for you, then you do need something anyway.
reservoirdog1 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 In a way, I admit, I was playing his game (contacting him again like he did to me) because he didn't respect my wishes when I told him to stop contacting me. But part of me also still had a burning desire to see him. But I knew that seeing each other again would be bad for both our marriages, so I just ended it...in a hurtful way. Should I say sorry for responding that way (so we won't have any bad feelings towards each other) and end it at that (absolutely NO contact in the future) or should I just leave it alone? We had a great and passionate time together, so I was hoping it wouldn't end this way. But will contacting him send him a message that I'm not serious about my word? It seems this would be the only way as my "civilized" attempts to end it in the past failed. Personally, I think you should stop worrying about whether or not you ended it "the right way" with the OM. That's of little or no importance. Affairs that end "well", whatever that means, seem to be the exception by far, rather than the rule. It's over (hopefully). Move on, forget the OM, and try to find a way to make a better marriage with your husband and make up for what you did to him.
InaPanic Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I have been in your position & had an A. I do think you haven't been too serious about ending it or you wouldn't have accepted the calls or responded to the text messages. I say this because i have been there. My first NC email i sent i wanted desperately for him to bombard me with pleas to not do this. I wasn't ready to give him up. I ended up contacting him within 4 days. I think you need to seriously think about what you want. You say you want your marriage and your husband. You have said you cannot live the double life anymore. So you have to make a choice. The OM will respect your wishes if you are firm. I know how hard that is, i also have a problem with that. But if you can make your mind up & stick to it then you will feel better about yourself & be able to move on faster. If you don't want contact with him then maybe the way it ended is the best. When you asked him to stop nicely he didn't so maybe being a little rude will do the trick. And maybe without him tempting you then you can be stronger. Best of luck.
soooomestup Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I agree with Panic.. and yea it does suck when you come in for help and you get beat down. Sometimes I feel like not coming back to the site but then I realised that there are those few people who give you great support and truelly help you. Its so hard to ask for help when you know you are in the wrong... yea your situation sucks but what can you do... at least your trying to fix it. I definatly think you should just leave it though. Your right when you said that sending him a msg will make him not take you seriously. I hate this word as much as you do but I think Cold turkey is the way to go... no explanations no excuses... Im at the start of my cold turkey process and its not pretty. Good luck Hun
Author keira_s01 Posted September 24, 2006 Author Posted September 24, 2006 Thanks, everyone for all your advice. I decided to not contact him and will NOT in the future. He doesn't deserve any apologies or explanations from me. I guess I was just getting over the initial heartbreak, but as time passes it gets easier and I find myself becoming stronger. Thanks again.
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