how Do I end the torture?

[ashleyanj4]

Hey everyone my name is Ashley and im on my last ends and need help...

I am 22 and I have been married since 2000 in Febuary me and my husband split. He moved to IN and me and his kids live in NC. we split due to his controlling behavior. I got married at 17 so I was still young and dumb. This past month and a half he was telling me how much he had changed that he learned his leason and that he wouldnt do me like that again. Being tender hearted I allowed him to come back into my life. The first 2 weeks where great he actually treated me like he loved me he had something to do with his kids.

Then he decided for my birthday he was going to take me to get my tounge peirced. He payed for it took me there the whole nine yards. I get in the car and he goes off he cant believe that I done it and I was wrong for doing it all that. This arguing goes on for 2 days. Then I get a call for a Job. I was so excited about it, It would be my first job I told him and he goes off he didnt want me to work ( knowing that we really needed the money). I still took the job and I knew what kind of crap that I would take of of it from him. Since then it has just gotten worse.

Being so tender hearted I cant stand the thought of putting him out again even though he never has had anything to do with his kids. I feel like im going to hurt them, they are still little ages 4,2,1. I am told that it would be the best for them. His family lives in KY and they dont want to have anything to do with him. I just found out recentally that he stole 2 of his dads guns and pawned them for money. Im scared of what he might do. I know what he what he can do. when it comes to my saftey im scared a little.

How do I end this what should i do?

[cryingguy1973]

This is my first post here, but Your guy is fitting the profile of an emotional abuser.

So far you've said:

*he has controlling behavior,

*he paid for a modification to your body and then tried to make you feel like crap about it

*he doesn't want you to work

Well, it's a lot harder for him to control you if you have an income. If your name is on the apartment lease and his isn't, kick him out and change the locks. Then file for a temporary PFA (protection from abuse, or restraining order). Have a couple guy friends help with the kicking him out just to keep his hands off of you. If he tries anything the PFA will stick.

If the place is in his name slowly pack stuff to the point he won't notice, sign a lease on an apartment without telling him, then one day when he is at work an you aren't rent a U-Haul van and clear out.

[ashleyanj4]

He does hit me emotionally he knows how to play on my heart strings. he likes to use the thing if it dont work out I dont want to see the kids because he knowthat is the last thing that I dont want. He lives with my grandmother right now and me and our kids live with my mom. the family is wanting to do it for me. I know that he is not mentally stable my step dad said that last night he walked around in the yard just talking to himself and crying. Then later on when he went to where he sleeps that he was doing the same thing. He likes to tell our 4 year old daughter that "well daddy might not be here much longer" and it tears her up she dont understand why! I start the 26 of this month going to a DV counsler because I cant do it on my own my nerves are at there ends and I keep having panic attacks. Its not good for me to be like this for my kids sake. Its all confusing and aggrevating because i know what I need to do but the problem lies in doing it without all of his emotion that he likes to put out there he will make his self cry.and he will pull the kids threw the emotional bits also.My kids are all that I have I really dont have a life due to the fact of him. No job history, No friends, Not even being able to drive, No education all of this is due to him.....I wonder why Im doing this if I didnt have a heart and I just really wasnt a caring person it would be better.

[LakesideDream]

Interesting, no education, no job, no friends, don't know how to drive, all due to a spouse?

 

Ah... that's not reality.

 

Your spouse sounds like a real crud dud. No question about that. Pull the plug, move back with mommie and get that GED, Drivers License, and a Job.

 

Each of us are responsible for ourselves. It's up to you to attain the skills you need to succeed. Don't rely on others to give things to you.

 

Time to become an adult.

[ashleyanj4]

I know what I need to do. august 14th i started school for my GED I have taken 3 out of 5 GED test. I currently have my drivers permit working on my licence due to me never driving before its a little more difficult than any other 22 year old. I just got a job Friday I start working the 23 of this month. I have lived with my mom since Feb. and I have very much enjoyed it she is a big help to me since I have never been independent. But its harder than most people because the first time of being on my own I have 3 more lives that depend on me. I know what I need to do and I am working very hard to do it so I can make a good life for me and my kids.

I didnt come on here for someone to get a attitude I might still be young but Im not that dumb.

I know what I need to do I just need some guidence on how to do it without getting hurt or hurting my kids in the process. I have done this once and I had to be the one to pick up the peices on my year old daughers emotions. But the only reason I brought him back was because he was always telling me how much he had changed, including everyone around him was telling me that he was changed. I brought him back it was great for the first 2 weeks and now everything has went back to the same old thing. with the emotional abuse and him always wanting someone to feel sorry for him. And when he realizes that nobody feels sorry for him i get the attitude and the yelling and the screaming.

I might have took your responce to the thread wrong but you seemed a little hateful to me. You put it like I didnt know what I need to do. Im not one of those people who want people to feel sorry for me I would rather someone look at me and say that is one of very few women that went threw the first years of her adult life not really knowing nothing one of thousands of women that never really had anything ging for her, and yet the life that she knew falls apart she held strong and knew her prioritys and didnt fall threw the cracks of society. That is what I want. I know people have there opinions and that is good that is why I came here and still I respect what your opinion was and I will take it to heart, as I do everything...

[LakesideDream]

Not attitude Ashley, reality.

 

You, me, everyone is responsible for the basic's of their life.

 

Why is getting a drivers license more difficult for you than "any other 22 year old"? It isn't. My mother (still alive at 85) didn't get her drivers license until she was a college educated, employed professional single Mom raising two children in 1964.. she was 43 years old!

 

Stop making excuses for yourself and continue making decisions for yourself. There is a big difference between giving an honest opinion when asked, and being "hateful".

 

Trust me, hate is an intense emotion, and certainly to valuable to waste on a message board.

 

Good Luck with your Future, your education, and employment. Being a single parent isn't easy.

[umbo]

Lakeside dream is Right..... Hi Ashley

 

Yeah Ashley you can be more proactive in your life, you sound like you are making great progress. Please don't stop with your ged continue to push for a college degree your mom can help. At your age you are the smartest and brightest your will ever be. Save money while you are living with your mom and of course as you do, help out. Don't give your guy another chance but pursue childsupport and custody. Also seek state assistance for job training ,internships,placement and utility bill assistance. Keep up the good work.

[Lor]

I didnt come on here for someone to get a attitude I might still be young but Im not that dumb.

 

That's a good attitude! And I mean that with all sincerity! Keep up your backbone, stand strong. You're on the right foot, heading down the right path and you're children, when they are older, will see what a good solid, hardworking person their mother is and will take a lesson from you. Be proud of yourself! Yeah, you're only 22 but look at what you've accomplished in such a short amount of time--getting your GED, working, getting your license, raising 3 wonderful kids...and there is still so much more of life ahead of you. You have got drive and ambition; don't ever let anyone tell you you can't do anything!

 

Things won't be easy and you are very fortunate to have your family for support, and it sounds like his family. Keep tabs on his actions if you are worried about his mental state and watch yourself and your kids.

 

If he's playing mind games with your kids, keep him away from them. They are little yet and it will hurt. You'll have a million and one questions to answer but, if in your heart you can't deal with him anymore and you need to do this for yourself and your kids sakes, then do so.

 

If you want college later, check into a tech college. Quick, specified learning for a lot cheaper and you can get a good job pretty darn quick. I had my first when I was 18 and so that's what I did. Couldn't wait for the 8 year degree with a little one needing fed. So, 2 years and viola! and I make more money than most with a 4 year degree. You will also probably qualify for all sorts of grants. Check into it and don't ever be afraid.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[ashleyanj4]

Its been a busy day sorry I couldnt reply to you guys sooner. I have finally made up my mind on the situation at hand, He now thinks that we are over so im going to let it be. Maybe he will prove his self i really dont know. This will be the second time going threw this and I have realized that if he didnt change the first time what is going to make him change now. I try to give him the benifit of the doubt but yet I know in my heart that it is going to take alot more than kicking him to the curb. he needs mental help.

Last night the longer i sat the madder I got not only at myself but at him. And a big part of me wants to play the mind game back at him to let him know how it feels. I toldmy family this morning that I just wasnt strong enough to go threw this again that I had to much emotions wrapped up in it. Im so tierd Im drained with everything my mind,body,spirit,and soul is worn out. This has been the roughest 7 months of my life. Yes i did go through hell for 6 years but I eventually made myself numb to everything. The only emotion I had was for my kids. I put my body on a emotional shutdown and put on one big fake front. When he was gone in Feb. it took me a couple of months to finally open myself back up. And when they opened up the doors flew open and I lost control of them. I got wrapped up in a man that treated me good I had promised myself at the beggining that I wasnt going to do that on the fact of how I was used to being treated. they got out of control and then i found out that he was married. Yes I soon cut all ties but yet I have feeling for him, he was the first man in my life that treated me like I wanted to be treated and like I deserved to be treated. Yes that man holds a small place in my heart for being the first man after my seperation to show me how I was supposed to be treated.

So the more I vent and the more i sit here the more ignorant I feel not only for trying this again but for also putting myself threw the emotional breakdown that im having. I have been told several times that I am better than that and yes I do think that. I finally learned for the first time in my life that I could stand on my own 2 feet. It was hard at first but I did it and I survived. I know that it wasnt all me I did it with alot of praying to god and my family. I consider myself being pretty good at solving things and other peoples problems but why cant I fix my own? I assume that its because being a tender hearted person and that I have a caring spirit about myself that I cant stand to hurt anyones feeling I have a hard time doing that with my own kids.

I guess I will let you go for now any comments or suggestions are truly appreciated.

[ashleyanj4]

As I was making the last post my husband came in wanting to know what I was writing, I did hesitate for a minute wondering if I should let him read the post I have been making. Then I thought to myself why not its the truth maybe then he would understand my feelings. He read the post got up and left said that he was going to my grandmothers (where he sleeps). He didnt say much about the post and the replys, he just left.

I was on my way to Wal mart and he called me. Told me that he now understands and that he was wrong. That everyone that replyed to my post where right. He drug it out for a little while longer and then finally told me that he was calling the marriage off. That he deserved it and that he was not wanting to be with me anymore. Fine that is good, Im happy about that but yet I still wonder if this is a mind game. I do stand prepared if this is I have put up as much of a gaurd as I can.

I talked to his sister today (who doesnt want to have anything to do with him) she was telling me that he finally called her and was telling her that he was going to kill himself. Another mind game he likes to play if things go wrong hes alaways going to kill himself because people get upset and feel sorry for him, and give him everything that he wants.She told me that in the past years he has done the family wrong, I knew that but its no my family so I stayed out of it as much as possible. But in the past months when he was back down there he really blew it he stole from his dad pawned a gun to get some money,lied to his mom and me about 100 dollars that he got off her and shes on social security,and he managed to do a best friend wrong by moving in there and taking he for granted.

Now I know im not perfect and I do manage to make mistakes as everyone does. But how does one person manage to mess up so much? Im trying to figure this all out because it dont make since to me. I guess you can call it one of those things that you just cant help pondering over and trying to make heads and tails of.

[LakesideDream]

The answer to your question of "how" is easy, he's very immature. He doesen't care about how his actions affect others, he just wants to feel good at the time he is doing unacceptable things.

 

I have had this experiance with an adult child (25) he does what he wants and then looks for people to bail him out. If you do you are just enabling him.

 

I also have had this experiance with an employee, who is the adult (38) son of a good friend. Time and again he screwed up, and left it to others to clean up the mess.

 

Both the above have run out of suckers. It will be interesting to see what happens.

 

Your Husband sounds to be cut from the same cloth. Let him go and make the best life you can for yourself.

[dgiirl]

Ashley, it sounds like you are making very good progress. Keep up the work.

 

However, Lakeside is right. You really have to stop blaming your husband for not having an education, job, friends, nor driver's license. I understand he might have voiced an opinion against it, but remember, we LET people influence us. You did have a choice at the time when these decisions were made. To not take personal responsibility gives up your control in life, and this is probably why you are in the mess you are in.

 

Also, i think you are confusing martyrdom with kind heartedness. What you are doing is not because you have such a big heart. This type of thinking only makes what you are doing sound more noble, but what you are doing is NOT noble at all. You have 3 little kids, and you are keeping them around a very unstable father who emotionally abuses all 4 of you. And when he does not get his way he treatens suicide or abandonment of his girls. And he continues to do so because YOU let him, because you dont want him out of his girls lives. Sorry, to me this is not a kind heart. This is someone who feels guilty and is trying to assuage her own guilt instead of making difficult decisions and protecting her own girls. Again, you are giving up personal responsibility. He is in control of his OWN life. If he chooses to abandon his girls, that is HIS choice. His relationship with his own girls is his own responsibility.

 

There's two hard life lessons I learned this year. 1) Be responsible for oneself. 2) Allow others to be responsible for themselves.

 

I'm not trying to be spiteful in this post. In fact, it's the total opposite. I want you to wake up and realize that you have full control in this situation. Yes, it's not fun nor easy, but you do have the ability to do it. You are doing an execellent job in taking action to getting your life in order. The next step is realizing personal responsibility then and now, yours and his.

[Lor]

But how does one person manage to mess up so much? Im trying to figure this all out because it dont make since to me. I guess you can call it one of those things that you just cant help pondering over and trying to make heads and tails of.

 

Ashley, quit focusing your attention on what is wrong with him and start refocusing it on yourself. As usual, Dgiirl is right--take heed of whatever she tells you--she's good for very sound advice, and trust me, she's not getting down on you at all. You can't change him, you can't help him, you can't make up for his mistakes or try to figure out why he's doing them. HE's doing them to himself, you, your kids, and his family have been dragged along for the ride. Cut him loose and start rebuilding your life, for yourself and for your kids.

 

He is using you, playing mind games, using your kids to get to you--all of which is wrong and childish. You've got your feet on the ground, now its time to start walking and eventually you'll be running.

 

The MM you were involved with is not necessarily a bad thing, especially your views on the situation and how you ended it. The experience has shown you that there are quality men out there who know how to treat a woman as a woman, 3 kids, 1 kid, no kids. Its too bad he was married but hey, what'll you do. There is bound to be someone eventually who is not married and will give you all the support you need, and all the love you deserve. Your stbX is the exception, not the rule.

 

...goin' to the walmart....home away from home....