Guest Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 I am 15 years old and about 4 days ago my boyfriend Richard of 11 months and I got caught having sex by my stepdad. My dad flipped out, I'm suprised he didnt kill Richard, he probably would have if my mom didn't stop him. I realize that it must hurt him so bad and i understand that it will take time for both my mom and dad to forgive me. But now things have gotten way out of hand. For the first two days i wasnt allowed to leave my room when my dad was awake becuase he told my mom he was afraid of what he would do if he saw me. Im grounded for a very long time. All i have been doing is going to school, working, and going to my room. I tried to tell my mom that Richard and I had a long conversation about having sex before making the big decision, but she didnt care. She keeps telling me how im ruining her and my fathers relationship and that she doesnt even know why she loves me because all i do is slap her in the face. I told her i wanted to move out when i was 16 and get emancipated because i have never really gotten along with my parents and we have had a horrible past. I know what a big decsion that would be but i feel i am responsible enough i have a good income and a plan that wont ruin my future. I get great grades and i wont ever mess that up. I work at the same place as my father, Price Chopper, but he works nights and i work days. I had to talk to someone so i talked to the front end supivisors and asked for advice after going to the school guiance counslers. Unfortunatly my dad got so pissed he thought that everyone was going to know and think his daughter was a whore. But nobody in his department knows, he still wants to move away and get a job somewhere else because supposedly i ruined his life and career which is absurd. I have nothing except my boyfriend who i cant even see, who comforts me and tries to make me feel better. But i need some outside advice. I can't do anything, i can't see my boyfriend, i can't see my friends, i can't go anywhere. Its hard not being able to talk to anybody. Any advice at all?
Hitman10000 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Hmm dunno about this one since I have no experience raising children or being a brother to a sister getting caught in this situation. It's not unreasonable for your parents to go crazy after what happened, and the movnig out thing... Are you moving out for yourself (peace, quiet) or for someone else? (sex, bringing friends over to party.) Difficult life is for teens.
BentSpine Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 She keeps telling me how im ruining her and my fathers relationship and that she doesnt even know why she loves me because all i do is slap her in the face. You do not make or break your parents relationship. They themselves are the only ones responsible for the quality of their relationship. By saying this, your mother is trying to make you feel guilty. Be aware of similar attempts in the future. And above all keep believing in your good qualities.
MsArtful Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Bent's advice is good. Also moving out when you are sixteen, may seem like an appealling option, it isn't the wisest. When you are in your own home, you have a huge amount of responsibilities, working and paying bills. Your best bet is to stay at home while you are studying so you can make a better future for yourself, without having to worry about all those things.
BitterSweet4 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I deffinatly don't want to move out to party, i don't party. But i don't want to move away from somewhere that i have lived my entire life. I make about $600 a month and i would have 2 roomates one is aged 18 and her older sister who is 21. I really would rather stay at home, but if i have to move i won't go
BitterSweet4 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Today i found out that my dad has been lieing to me...i found out from my manager that he was the one who was telling the whole store not me!!!!! Because people would come up to me and say are you okay you wanna talk and i was like no im fine and they go i bet i know what you did and they all got it right....I know my dad told one of the managers who told the other manager who told me what happened and my mom doesnt beleive me she is making me quit my job so i have no money income...I cant live like this
Sally00 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 yes i do work What happened to 16 being the age to start working?
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Your dad should NOT be dicussing YOUR private life with anybody. That should stay in the family, HE is wrong. I suggest if you can, find another job. Keep talking to guidence counsellors, your friends and even a friend's mom if you feel comfortable. Do you have any cousins, aunts, uncles that you're close to? Instead of moving out alone, I wonder if a family member will let you stay with them for while. From what you've said, your parents are strick...Instead of talking to you, and listening to you, they close the door of communication. You are young, 15 years old and that is why they flipped out catching you having sex. They could charge your bf with rape if they wanted to... Seeing as your grades are good, you're responsible and working, they need to lighten up on ya.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 What happened to 16 being the age to start working? Probably because her father works at the store as well. So maybe when you turn 16, that is the time to go work somewhere else. Another thing, please don't let your folks make you feel bad about yourself. You are NOT a whore just because you had sex with your boyfriend. Locking you inside the house and grounding you isn't going to stop you from growing up. You're having sex already, they now can accept that and make sure you're healthy, using condoms, take you to the Dr to have a physical done and get you on birthcontrol pill as well.
gfto Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 You're growing up WAY too quickly. Working days at a supermarket and having sex at 15?! Slow down. Try to make the best of your relationship with your parents, and stay intensely focused on school, with a view towards college. You'll be glad you did when you hit your late 20s and early 30s (and it comes along more quickly than you might think!). Moving out at 16, not to mention making only $600/month, is a recipe for disaster.
BitterSweet4 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 I understand that living on my own would be tough but like i said before i had 2 other people who were willing to live with me and help pay rent. I am so driven in school, I know what i want to do in life and im already taking classes to have a first hand experience. (I want to be an architect and own a buisness where i offer house designs and also the interior designs) and yes they have classes like that at my high school. And in New york the legal age to work is 13 thats when i started working as a snowboard instructor and i still work there during winters its not because my dad works at the same place. I feel like i have to grow up fast in order to be successful because if i dont learn how to be responsible and step up now what makes me think i would be able to, all of a sudden, step up when the time comes. Im trying to prepare myself i dont want to be a failure. I love my boyfriend so much and right now it's hard knowing that the trust my parents once had in us is gone and i understand why but i just wish i could spend time with him. I am trying so hard right now to be on good terms with my parents which just a few minutes ago i established that because im not going to get anywhere with anger. Now once again i have another problem. My boyfriend Richard told his dad about all of this and was understanding but now he wont tell his mom. He is afriad because his mom just found out that his best friend was having sex with his girlfriend and she was crushed and hurt. He doesnt want that to happen to him which i completely understand but at the same time im hurt. I wouldnt be as hurt if my parents hadnt decided in order for us to see each other they wanted his parents to sit down with all of us and talk about this. I dont know what to say to him other then, my parents were crushed and hurt but unfortunatly i didnt have the chance to tell them, they found out in the most hurtful way and now i have to face the consequences. I feel he needs to step up, tell his mom, and deal with the consequences as well...How can i explain that to him?
Sally00 Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Seeing as your grades are good, you're responsible and working, they need to lighten up on ya. Having sex is not very responsible... especially at 15. And having your parents catch you doing it is not something that will make them lighten up on you just because you get good grades and all... All I can say is own up to what you did, let them know it won't happen again, and get on their good side.
Flicker Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Hey you, Hang in there. Your parents don't really sound like the most reasonable people on earth - I sympathise. You have to realise that just because they are adults doesn't mean they always know what's right. They are fallible. I agree with a previous post about perhaps finding a neutral party to talk with about these problems. Good on you for knowing what you want to do with your life and having the drive to make it happen. I also think it's great that you are earning your own money - it gives you just a little more independence and shows that you are responsible and reliable. In terms of your boyfriend, it sounds like he will just have to talk to his mum if he ever wants to see you again. Or does he have another option? I realise that everything is not rainbows and lollipops right now, but you are lucky that you have a partner who has stuck by you through this. Hopefully he continues to be great and helps you sort out a way that you two can go on seeing each other. Good Luck
fishtaco Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Sounds like your parents are wrapped up in their own drama and they're dragging you into it. They're more concerned about how your having-sex-at-15 issue affects them than how it affects you. I'm not saying sex at 15 is okay, but I'm saying your parents should have handled this differently. They are not good parents. In fact, if similar situations happen often, I'd say they're projecting the source of their own misery onto everything around them, including you. You having sex is just something convenient for them to latch on to in order to generate more drama and toss it around, like monkeys flinging poo (not trying to equate you with poo or anything). Since you live under their roof, you have to follow their rules. But try to keep a level head and not let their poo flinging affect you too much. You could try to go off on your own like you said, but that will be tough. Basically, your parents give you financial help, while at the same time drag you back with their BS drama. At one point the cost of putting up with their drama will exceed the financial help they give you, then it's time to bail. Probably not at 16, being self sufficient is tough if you don't have the education, but maybe sometime during college. For me I bailed the last year of my college. I will always thank my parents for putting me through school (although it is their responsibility, poping out kids isn't just all fun and games), but they pretty much have always acted like a couple of idiots, so I minimize my contact with them. Anyway, this is advice from someone that donn't have good relationship with the parents, and don't like to put up with their drama. Others are lucky that they grew up in a family with sane parents, so their advice will probably be more positive. You should take all advice with a grain of salt, and make your own judgement.
Mirnsy Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Honey, you are 15 years old. Stop having sex right away. Focus on your school and your future. You'll be glad you did later on. Leaving your parents' home right now is a bad idea. You are growing up way too fast. If you do leave your parents' home you will regret it later on. Being on your own is a lot of work. Focus on school right now. I sound like my parents, that is what they used to tell me and they are/were right.
britchick Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I can see your parents point of view but their behaviour is appalling, calling you a whore and blaming you for the state of their relationship is not on. I'm not going to preach at you for having sex at 15 that's pretty pointless and anyway I did it (although I can hardly remember that far back!). Although your parents reactions are inappropriate, you are going to have to bend to their will for now, you know why, their house, your age etc. What I would suggest is trying to talk to your mother about this, remain as calm as possible and if it turns to name calling, walk away. Alternatively, write her a letter, acknowledge her feelings and express your own. Step-fathers are often more strict than biological fathers, I think they are so determined to do a good job because they feel they are being judged and want to get it right. They are upset because, no matter how old you are or how grown up you feel, you are their baby. It's pretty heart-wrenching when you see your baby turning into a woman, try to keep this in mind when you deal with them. Don't make any rash decisions now, you are all angry with each other. I know that being punished is frustrating but it will pass and things will settle down again. Aside from this all you can do is get on with your studies and your life and wait, I really don't advise moving out, it's so easy to lose your dreams of a great career like that, no matter how determined you are. Good luck sweetie.
typical Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Maybe I missed something here, so if it has already been said or hinted at, I apologize.....but....I wanted to know if Richard was 15 as well?
a4a Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 ya know you probably could bash her for having sex at 15 but maybe if she got any form of love or support at home........ maybe just maybe she would not be looking for this sort of love at her age? Don't quit working..... save every dime you can. Start looking at grant money and scholarships for college now. Keep your grades up. Stay at home as long as you can.... save your money..... bury it in the yard if you have to. Unfortunatley for you to come out ahead you are going to have to play the game by their rules until you build a solid foundation for yourself to get the hell out. Keep in mind that you are not in a healthy home and that it is not your fault. Think damn hard about decisions you make about your life now that will effect your future.
Guest Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Unfortunately for your relationship, you are only 15. You've got a little way to go yet. You sound like you've got your life in order right now and I'd hate to see you throw that away for a little freedom and love. Take it from a guy who left home and married at 18 for a little love and freedom. Sure, it's good at first. I had a decent job in the military and could take care of my family. But people have a way of wanting more eventually. My wife got tired of being a married mom and missing out on her youth. She started going out and partying on her own. Pretty soon came the affairs and then divorce. I never got to go to college as planned, despite benefits. Every time I'd start, something would come up and I'd have to stop. Adult life gets VERY busy and inflexible, especially after you have kids. Don't count on anyone to be there for you except your immediate family. Even then, you'll still be let down on occasion. It's best to keep your life as uncomplicated as possible until your education is done. Whether the parents rules are fair and just is inconsequential right now. Most parents would be VERY upset at finding out their 15 year old was sexually active. That's just the way it is. Stay home and finish your education. Don't be so impatient to grow up. It's nowhere near as fun as it seems. Even if you don't finish college but still make it with a decent career, you'll wonder how far you could have gone without the craziness (Me).
purpleplanet Posted September 20, 2006 Posted September 20, 2006 If you are on birth control, then perhaps your are ready to take on the kind of responsibility that goes with being sexually active. If not, there are some things you need to learn before assuming you are ready. I moved out when I was 17, and it was pretty difficult. But possible, if you are really on-task. It's your decision if you want to take on more responsibility in order to afford the lifestyle you want to live. As for him telling his mom... you of all people should understand why that might not be something he would want her to know. It's his decision. When I told my mom that I needed birth control (I was also 15), she said ok, but don't tell Dad. Might just let that go. Give it time. I know it's really hard at that age, I struggled with my parents a lot then too. But it does pass. Patience is a virtue.
BitterSweet4 Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 HELPPPPP!!!!!!! This is not going to end till i move out!!! I can't see him anywhere untill he tells his mom! But i don't want him to tell his mom, now!!! I know that if he tells her she won't let us date anymore. And I'm pretty positive that will be the result. So i could either wait and not see him for a year (which will probably crush our relationship) or tell his mom who probably wont ever want to look at me again and say that we can't date. And my boyfriend said that he can't date someone who his mom will never approve of because she is a big part of his life. His dad knows but my parents won't just talk to his dad. They said they want to put both his parents through the same torture they're going through!!! But if he tells his mom she still isn't going to sit down and talk to them, so there is no point...Omg i am sooooo confused!! Please help before i go crazy!!!
nicki Posted September 27, 2006 Posted September 27, 2006 I know you are hurting and feel trapped. Just know that you can handle this. Unfortunately, your parents are dealing with the issue emotionally instead of logically. While they have the right to have an emotional reaction, it would also be helpful for them to consider the question "what to do now?" So, YOU will have to act like an adult. Take responsibility for what you did. Admit to your parents that looking back you were too young to make the decision to have sex. Tell your parents that you ARE responsible and want to make things better. If you continue to have sex, I think it's best if you NEVER EVER do it in your own home again. Be responsible, go on birth control. But please understand that having sex with someone can cloud your judgment about them. It happens to us adults, too. Remember that your brain will continue to grow until you are 19 years old. You most likely are not yet emotionally equipped to handle the emotional aspects of sex. You can stop having sex anytime you want. It doesn't matter that you have already had it. This is most likely not a guy you will end up with long term, no matter how much you love him now. Stay true to your own goals. Stay at home until you graduate. It's too hard to make it out there on your own. You only have a few more years until you go off to college. You can hold out until then. Just limit your contact with your parents, and get good grades. What you do now can make or break your life later. Don't let anyone, or any guy, jeopardize your future. Be smart. Be patient. Work hard at school. Work hard at work and save your money. You come first, guys last. I know you will be okay. Do you have an Aunt or another female adult to confide in? That really helps, too.
fishtaco Posted September 28, 2006 Posted September 28, 2006 They said they want to put both his parents through the same torture they're going through!!! Wow... Do your parents even care about you? Sounds like they're pissed not because you're "going off path", but because you've inconvinenced them. That's some award winning parents right there. Anyway, the boy isn't worth all this trouble. The fact that "he can't date anyone his mom won't approve" makes him sound like a mama's boy. You know the type that wants to find a woman just like his mom... creepy. But somehow his mom's opinion magically wasn't an issue before you two got it on. So most likely this is his exit strategy. All he wanted was to get into your pants. Now that he's done it... time to dig up an excuse and get outta there. Cut him lose, he's not worth it. The real problem... is with your parents. The most efficient way is to stay with them and have them pay for you until you finish college. Which is like 7 more years or something. Then you get a decent job and get out of that house. Finishing school as early as possible is probably one of the best things you can do to help your life. Your parents sound like they're pretty much useless other than being financial providers... even then, if you have to work at 15 (you're working right?), then they're probably not even doing a good job at that. If you need emotional support, do what nicki said. Perhaps a relative your parents age, maybe a big sister program... etc.
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