what do you think will happen?

[jj23]

I was dating the same great guy that I've known since high school all though college - we were together 4.5 years. We lived together for two years. We talked about getting married, first in general terms, as in "this is where this is headed, right?" and then more seriously. I'll admit that I was probably more into it than him, but he never like, went against what I was saying either. Last Easter, for example, he told me that his mother had offered him an engagment ring that was in his family and he told me that "we'll have to look at it to see if you like it." So... I graduated from college last december, and started grad school. He will spend an extra year in undergrad than he is supposed to (his is an awesome student, but his courses conflicted with the sport he played all through college). We talked about how we were going to stay in our same apartment for this upcoming year, and then we'd move together to where he plans to go to graduate school. We talked about getting a pet together, we made plans for my birthday, we bought renter's insurance together.

 

My ex's sport ended, he is no longer eligible to play after having been on teams for his whole life, all the people in his major graduated and moved on... he and I were having a great time together going places and doing things. I went home for a weekend, and he had to move onto campus for his summer job. I came back for my last night of class and he couldn't wait to see me. Two weeks later, we're supposed to see each other (I had gone home to my parents house, he was on campus) and he comes to our apartment and tells me that he realized that he was never independent and likes to be by himself and wants to get his own place. I was devastated. I asked if he met someone else and he said no, I asked if he didn't love me anymore, and he said "of course I still love you, we've been friends since 7th grade!)

 

We both moved out of our apartment, didn't talk to each other at all really. All he wanted from our apartment was the futon that we had - I took everything else. We had lived like a married couple, we had furniture, dishes, the works together. He didn't even tell his mother the details of where he was going or anything. He called me two weeks after our breakup to wish me a happy birthday (he left a voicemail). I didn't talk to him for a month and a half, then I run into him on campus and he smiles at me. That night, he sends me an instant message, asking me how my job is going, and wanting to know how my family reunion went. We chat online for about 5 minutes, and then he has to go. Then, he runs into my sister at a party, and she asks how he likes his new place.. he says "its not the greatest." he asks her about my family. She said "we're good, we miss you... no one's mad at you or anything." He replies "good, I was kind of worried about that."

 

More time goes by. I send him a very long email explaining how I don't understand what happened between us, and that I want him to tell me what happened, and how he can just turn his back on me and never talk to me again. I told him all the reasons that I miss him - mostly I miss his companionship I do not mention marriage at all. He writes me back and writes 6 sentences on how he was feeling soo pressured into getting married, and I was looking up rings, and my parents were talking about it, blah blah. He tells me that he had felt trapped in our relationship and felt like he had to have my permission to do anything. He tells me that he thought he shouldn't have ever moved in with me (after he moved in with me and two roommates, and then after a year, moved to live with me separately, where we lived together for a year). He said that he thinks he missed out on a lot having never lived alone. He also wrote "as for my apartment, I absolutely love it." When I didn't even ask - it sounds like a direct response to a question, but I didn't ask one. At the end, he writes "I'm sorry I hurt you so badly, but its over."

 

I wrote him back and told him that my email had nothign to do with wanting to get married still, as that is the furthest thing from my mind. I explained that he was never clear about not wanting to talk about it, and that I had definitely gotten mixed messages from him. (talking about his mother's ring? give me a break!) I wrote that it made me sad to think that things had been bothering him and he had kept them bottled up for so long, not feeling like he could talk to me. I wrote that my email was about wanting to be able to talk to him, because I don't understand how someone can go from your best friend, and lover, to just.. nothing. We really lived together like we were married, we did everything together and talked about everything together.

 

I haven't heard a response yet from him, and I'm not sure that I will.

What I would like is other people's reaction to this story... what do you think happened with him?

 

My thoughts are that because he is being faced with the reality that he's growing up, he's getting scared. I think he could imagine spending the rest of his life with me, (like when we'd see kids out somewhere behaving badly and he'd tell me that "our kids are never going to act like that!"). I can't help but think that he just panicked. I understand that he probably is enjoying his "freedom" right now... though I never tried to keep him from doing the things he wanted to do. Doesn't it seem like he'll somehow realize that he gave up something great?

 

I have no plans of contacting him again, I'm just wondering how you all see this panning out? -- The breakup was COMPLETELY out of the blue. He was still calling me to talk and making plans with me right up until a few days before he ended things.

 

I appreciate your thoughts!

[Josalina]

i have just gone through the same thing, i feel so sorry for you it sucks.

what r your ages?

did he have any other symptoms b4 it ended. i.e. being distant etc?

i think he is lost confused and unsure what he wants in life.

if u cud give me more invo with above questions i may b able to help.

[Josalina]

you need to give him time to miss you, when something good goes his way, or bad, or he needs to get something of his chest or even have a laugh, he will look around and realise he has pushed you away.

now this will go to ways he will realise what he has done and come running, or he will try and b the big man and pretend he isn't bothered and push his thoughts aside. does he drink? as this will most prob result in a drunken disaster he will regret or he will try and c the bad in everything to get over you easier.

when u r with someone that long, they will miss u, just as u miss them, he will listen to the radio and a song will play that reminds him of u, or he will watch something on the tele he used to watch with you, or he will see or hear someone that sounds like you, even be washing the dishes and u will pop in his head, it will happen but he will either push his feelings aside, bottle them up and forget it or contact you. try no contact, u may b suprised.

[jj23]

He's 23 and I'm 22. I know that we're young, but I also know what other people our ages relationships are like. We hardly ever fought, and want all the same things out of life in general. Leading up to this there was no distance, no signs at all except for literally the night before - I talked to him on the phone and said something like "It seems like you'd miss our apartment" (because he was living in the dorm at that point) and he said "not really." when I asked what he meant, he said that he was just tired from working and stuff. Other than that, in the month leading up to this, things were absolutely wonderful. We were going out to dinner together, going for walks in the evening, our sex life was incredible. We were talking about where we'd be moving together next year at that time for when he went to grad school. This breakup really hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

I really do appreciate your response... what do you think about like, him telling my sister that his apartment "isnt' the greatest" and then writing to me that he "absolutely loves it?"

 

I guess the thing is that I'd like to be able to predict the future - wouldn't we all?! - I know that there are other guys out there, and I know that I'm young, yadda yadda, but I really feel like this guy was soo perfect for me - and he's told me before that he thought I was perfect for him!!

 

It would be so much easier for me to deal with this if it made sense, like if we'd been fighting, or he had stopped making plans with me, but it was actually completely the opposite!

[Josalina]

ok this sound like my problems with my ex totally.

my ex is going through a quarter life crisis, only he doesn't know it yet he is 23 next month, go on google on the search engine and type in quarter life crisis, u may b suprised to fine he has the exact thing as the symptoms r exactly the same as u r telling me, it is getting more common with men of this age.

 

he told your sis his place is crud because maybe he thought that is what she wanted to hear, or maybe he is playing games knowing it will get back to u and then he twisted it to confuse u or make conflict with u and your sis coz he is so unhappy, or worse it really is terrible but he wants to be the man and not let you know he is doing terribly.

 

the best thing you can do is leave him to it for as long as you can, even if that is only a few weeks, that should give him time to think.

remember one week to us may seem like a year, but to a man, it seems like a day, no joke, when a man wants to block something out, they do it so much easier than women, so i am told.

stay strong and look after you.

[jj23]

Well, he did the breaking two months ago... actually longer now, on July 7th we broke up. I did really well and did not contact him until last week, which is when he wrote back and said that his apartment is awesome or whatever, and that its over. Do you think that means it really is?

 

What I'm hoping is that he's still in the honeymoon phase with his "independence" like that yeah, he doesn't have to tell me where he's going now. What I'm hoping, is that he's really starting to be lonely, but that he just can't deal with it yet, and he thought he had to be harsh and say that its over because he just can't deal with it yet.

 

Its not like I'm going to sit around and wait for him to come to his senses. I mean, if I met some guy who wanted to spend time with me, I wouldn't turn him down... but I can't help but think that if this is so hard for me to deal with, that he's missing me too... and its only a matter of time before he realizes that he's being crazy. That might not happen until, say, Thanksgiving... when he's had plenty of time to go out drinking with is sports buddies, and is looking at spending the holidays alone (we just bought an artificial christmas tree together after last christmas, and we looked forward to setting it up this year.) And after he has to mail in his applications for graduate school and realizes that he has to grow up sometime, and that he doesn't want to be alone forever, and that he and I were pretty damn good together. He used to get into bed next to me, rub his foot against my leg, and ask me to clip his toenails for him! He would come home from practice, strip down in our bedroom and walk naked to the bathroom with me there, and then I'd stand in the bathroom door and watch him shave his face.

 

We would be laughing at some inside joke, where I knew no one else would possibly understand it, and I'd say, "oh, don't ever leave me" meaning like, no one understands me like you do. To which he'd say "uh, I don't plan on it!" I asked him once if the thought of never sleeping with another girl bothered him, and he said "no, not really." I had a ring that he gave me with my birthstone in it, that i wore on my left ring finger. people would ask me if it was an engagement ring, and I'd say no, but I'm saving the place for one. I asked him if that bothered him, and he said no.

 

Now he gets all upset because he thinks we were only going to get married because it was the next thing to do and it wasn't really what he wanted, but he was feeling so pressured? Why on earth could someone who told me about everything else not tell me that he just wanted to cool off on the marriage talk? I would have stopped talking about it!!

[Josalina]

right he is using marriage as the reason u broke up right? that is crap, no one can say one thing meaningfully then blame it on not wanting the next step, if u ask me i think he has issues.

the flat is not awsome or what ever he said as if it was, he wouldn't need to say it. he obviously thinks if he says he is fine the new flats grest etc u will let him be, the real reason is in his mind but he is to scared to say it.

 

my ex was the same he planned everything with me, even childrens names then one day poof! i'm not saying he turned gay lol i'm just saying mens minds work so differently to womens, they can't muti task well, if to many things go on in their heads they dispense the lot and start fresh, sounds stupid but men can not handle pressure, when half the time they make it themselves.

they can't help it they go with the crowd. my ex studies sport science and all his mates r always telling him what they r doing, where they are going etc etc and these men don't wanna get left behind.

who has he been talking to?

do u know many of his mates to talk to? i'm not telling u to talk to them though, just try and bump into them, maybe say hi and look good, the word will soon get back believe me.

 

well u have left it awhile to contact then, i'm pleased u tried it. when u first spoke was he friendly or still boosting about his new life?

if a person is truely happy, they wouldn't feel the need to brag.

he is trying to be something his not.

he will come down with a bump, he will start dating and realise what he had with u IS HARD TO FIND.

a lot of women r actually sometime harsh, they r out for themselves, when u go through a nasty break up u realise what u did have, u know the saying don't know what u got till its gone.

just take care of u.

[ddd]

Hi jj - I'm sorry to hear this happened to you, I know how much it hurts because I am going through something similar with my ex. Briefly, we had an amazing relationship, we were so much in love, made plans for the future and then suddenly, out of nowhere, he goes quiet and then breaks up with me, with the explanation that he needs his freedom (to play the field), even though he knows that what we had was so special. I, however, never got an apology from him. He is 25 - so as Josalina said, definitely the case of a quarter life crisis! So I understand how you feel. I have been doing NC for just over 3 weeks now and it hurts like hell, but the only thing we can do is to pull back, move on as best as we can and realise that the only way there could be hope for a relationship with that person in the future is if they, themselves, realise that what they had with us was special. No amount of talking or convincing from our side will ever be good enough - they have to realise they want us. And they most probably will - we are dealing with very immature men here, who were lucky enough to find us early in life and therefore immediately assume that finding that someone special is easy. I say, let them find out the hard way, let them date, let them be walked over...They will be kicking themselves very hard in the future. But we need to move on and not wait for this to happen because it may take a long time...and perhaps, after enough time has passed, we will meet someone even better.

 

So hugs to you, do not contact him at all, let him miss you and know that everything happens for a reason.

[jj23]

Thank you for all your well wishes!

 

Right now I'm just lonely because not only do I not have him around, but since I just started grad shchool at the same school that I did my undergrad at, its tough cause like, i'm in the same town but no one else is still here.. if that makes sense? its almost harder than if I had gone away to a new school for grad school.

 

I know that its not necessarily a good thing to find someone else on the rebound, but I'm kind of hoping to meet a nice guy, just cause after two months without the ex, i'm kind of hoping for some attention. Not even anything really romantic necessarily, just a guy to talk to and flirt with!!

 

This might entertain you all - I have a sort of crazy aunt who took me to see a psychic. The psychic (I am VERY skeptical of these people) only asked for my name and DOB, and proceeded to tell me LOTS of things she would not have known unless she really does have some sort of talent. This woman told me that the ex was going to try to come back between 6 days and 6 weeks from then (which puts it at next thurs, so i'm doubting that!) but that i needed to be careful of my safety.

 

She also told me that I met a guy in June who I am "not aware of yet" who would make his intentions very clear, about wanting to spend lots of time with me, and that when he came around I'd "wonder what I did so good to deserve him."

 

Incidentally, she told me that the new guy had brown hair and brown eyes (just like the ex) took nice care of his body (like the ex again) and told me at different points in the conversation that they would both contact me when I least expected it, either by coming to my house or calling me up randomly. ...... I'm WAITING!!!

[ddd]

Hey JJ - well, what the psychic told you certainly sounds interesting! Let us know how things progress! She seems to be sayng that you will be much better off with the new guy - so chin up, try to forget about the ex as much as you can, and things will be ok. In the meantime, work on yourself and make sure you look hot

[jj23]

The psychic records the whole reading onto a CD, so I've been able to listen to it a few times now. After listening to it a little while after it happened, I started thinking that the new guy was the old guy. She told me that I met the new guy in June, but I'm not aware of him yet. The month of June was when my old guy started seriously making future plans - talking about us moving together, talking about our "dream house"... lots of little things. He had always been like, living in the moment, but suddenly he was saying that it was too bad he'll be in undergrad for a whole extra year instead of just one more semester, blah blah blah.

 

Plus, the new guy and the old guy both have brown hair, brown eyes and "nice bodies." And, she told me that the new guy was going to call me up or show up at my house - how does he know where I live, or my phone number? At the end of the reading when I could ask questions, I said, "you told me that the old guy was going to try to come back? how does he do that?" and she said "you won't be expecting it, he's going to call you up or come to your house. I really think he's going to give you a line about how you were so good together." then she told me she didn't know if him coming back was best for me.

 

I know it seems like I'm only reading into it what I want to, but its just a little strange.

 

I know that there might be someone else out there that I could be happy with and all that, but this guy... we were friends for five years through high school before we started dating, and we just, i dont know, did everything together. We could talk about anything, we were completely and totally comfortable together - like leave the door open when you're going to the bathroom comfortable. Getting married wouldn't really change things between us comfortable. It is so sad to me that after four and a half years together, he couldn't just tell me that he wasn't so keen on the idea of talking about marriage yet. I could have cooled it. He didn't have to end things completely. (that is the reason that I'm still holding onto the idea of him coming back... we weren't fighting or anything, quite the opposite. so i'm thinking that after he fulfills his need to be "independent" he'll start thinking that it wasn't so bad afterall to have someone be worried about him - he didn't have to 'ask my permission' to do things, as he put it - its just curteousy to tell the person you're dating and living with where you're going and when you'll be back.)

 

The psychic also told me, correctly, that I moved to a new place that was much quieter and in a nicer neighborhood, that I was starting a new job, and that I'd have "lots of papers to write, lots of reading and writing papers" - she didn't know that I'm in grad school. This semester I have to write a 50 page thesis! When she started talking about the guy, she just said "your husband or boyfriend just left?" "you were together long enough that he was like your husband. how long were you together? four years?"

 

She said that he's going to try to come back between then (August sometime) and six weeks later - thats Sept. 21st. Somehow I don't think that is goign to happen. But I'm still hoping that he'll come back eventually. The sooner the better, yes, but I feel like hes going to need a lot of time. He knows that because things were so serious between us that he has to be sure of what he wants first, and right now I think he's so caught up in how "great" it is to be on his own that he can't see the big picture

[jj23]

So right now, my ex's instant messenger away message is "hey my name is ___ and I like to pass out on couches." It makes me soo ... i don't know what.. angry? I know that a lot of whats going on with him is feeling like he missed out on something - like partying with his buddies through college - but come on! He's 23 years old now, why turn into a party dude now? Its never really been in his nature to party it up anyway, he was always very mindful of rules (like he drank before he was 21, but was very careful about not getting caught).

 

Plus, whos benefit is that away message for?? Does he WANT me to see it and think that he's having a wonderful time??

 

How long does it take a guy who was seemingly mature and focused, who was talking about a future with someone else to get being "independent" out of his system?

[tikigods]

I think you are putting waaay to much effort into trying to figure out to the point that you are never going to allow yourself to heal from this. Right now you aren't really showing yourself as a independnt person, but someone that pines away for the off chance that her ex might come back to her. People change, and it sounds like he is happy with his new life, and its time for you to stop watching his im or anything about him and move on with yours

[ddd]

Hey JJ, I agree with Tiki to some extent, but its not that easy nor as simple. Its easy to be objective when you are an outsider, but when your heart is breaking, things are not that simple unfortunately. I think you are doing really well - you haven't contacted him and have been keeping strong. I don't think you should be trying to find out what it is that he is up to - it will only hurt you more. What you don't know can't hurt you, right? So try to avoid looking up his IM, blogs or whatever else he may have and concentrate on yourself. The more you do this, the easier it will get. I am doing the same thing, so you are not alone. He is 23 and is doing this - my ex is almost 26 and is doing the exact same thing. So you see, for men, it may take until their late 20s, before they start to appreciate serious relationships. It took one of my closest cousins (who did the same thing to his girlfriend as our ex's did to us) 3 years and one terrible relationship to realise what he lost when he broke up with an ex of his. He was 26 at the time he broke up with her. And he didn't do it because he wanted to hurt her, he did it because it was in his nature to do it - just something he had to go through. There must be something about that age...so just leave him be - there is NOTHING you can do about it now..you have to realise that the only way you can and should be in this relationship is if he decides and realises that you are the one he truly wants to be with. And to realise that, he may just need to do a bit of growing up and some dating. But usually, by the time they realise, it is too late because the nice girls they left, get snatched up by the nice boys who know how to appreciate them.

 

Keep strong as you are now and leave him be.

 

P.s. If you choose to believe what the psychic told you - she also told you that she wasn't sure that he was the best choice for you!

[Josalina]

psychic hey? intersting, i used to see a lady to read my cards, she was spot on, but sadly pasted away, so i am looking to find someone else in the area i can trust.

u sound a tad better than the last time we spoke, how r u feeling?

i feel like i have been to hell and back with my ex this weekend, but it is over now, hoping he will realise in time what we had, but a chance will be a fine thing.

 

did u have a good weekend?