I need a reality check..

[Walk]

I'm trying to convince myself I'm being retarded, overly "womanish", and making assumptions that aren't true.

 

For those of you who don't know my situaiton.. I live with my bf, been dating for 2.5 years, he works 45-50 hrs a week and I'm taking 18 credit hours of 400 level classes at a university this semester. I get to see him 3 nights a week but have classes from 9am-9pm on mondays and 11-9pm on thursdays, so he's in bed by the time I get home.

 

The only time we really have to "do" stuff together is on the weekends. We don't do ANYTHING during the week. No dinners out, no visiting people, nothing. We have dinner, he goes to bed, I do homework.

 

Add in the fact that he's dirt poor, and I've got about $55 bucks and don't know when I'll get more.

 

Okay.. so my dilema... the one I'm trying not to get irriatated/upset by...

 

Without asking me if I wanted to do stuff with him this weekend, he spent last night talking to his buddies setting up plans to get together and do stuff with them today. So he left at 8am to meet up with them. They're going to go have coffee, then get breakfast at a restaurant, wander around the local stores, and basically have fun all day. He'll be gone until probably 3ish.

 

Which is fine...

 

But seems like after these "outings" he's all tuckered out, comes home to take a nap for the remainder of the day. By the time he gets up, I'm ready for bed. So I see him for a short while and then I go to bed alone. He then refuses to do anything with me the rest of the weekend because A.) he has no money. and B.) He just wants to sit at home after having worked all week.

 

Oh, and since he hadn't slept all night because of the nap he took during the day, then by the time I get up, he's tired and goes to bed.. so he sleeps a majority of the day, then isn't tired when bed time comes again.. So I sleep alone again.

 

Last night he came into bed long after I did, I woke up and asked if we could cuddle. But he wouldn't. Then this morning I get a perfunctory peek on the lips when he leaves, and a "love you" thrown over his shoulder as he walks out.

 

I'm reading too much into it. I should be happy he's off having fun. But (TODAY) I feel as though I've busted my ass all week, and I get left at home like the unwanted kid next door. Like I'm a drag, a nuasance, unwanted.

 

Actually.. I think I know why I feel that way. He's been making comments all week about how "easy" my life is, how kush I have it. And I'm exhausted. I feel brain dead. I feel like on monday mornings I leave the bed at a flat out run, and don't get to rest til sometime on saturday.... I don't feel like my life is easy. I have a 10 hr a week job on top of this that I can work on at home.. but I still have to do the work. I'm the one that cleans the house, washes and hangs-up all his laundry, I do the dishes every day and cook the majority of the meals. I am tired. Yet he keeps making jokes about how I have nothing to do all day, how it must be hard on me since I only have one class on tuesdays.

 

Then he bounces off to meet with friends and have fun because "he worked all week". Which makes me feel... unappreciated. Yet he did do stuff with me the weekend before, and the weekend before that. And he had been very loving and wonderful during those weekends. It's just this week that he's been more distant and the many "jokes" about my easy life.

 

So I'm caught between thinking I should be happy for him that he's off having fun, yet feeling irriatated that he's off having fun when *I* have to work all weekend, and feeling unwanted and unappreciated for everythign I give to this relationship.

 

Am I screwed up for how I feel? Can't quite talk myself out of feeling upset on my own. And it's interferring with my studying right now...

[Touche]

Wow..if he's like this after only 2.5 years I'd get out of this. I'm with my husband 12 years next month and he's never made plans, without first talking to me.

 

If I ask him to cuddle with me, he's never turned me down.

 

I'm sorry you're upset but the reason you can't talk yourself out of being upset is that you have every right to be upset. I'd worry about you if you WEREN'T!

 

Why do you stay with this guy? I hope you're not considering marrying him. It won't last. He's selfish and inconsiderate. From what I've heard from you before there's more bad than good here. It's time to call it a day with him. I wouldn't invest another minute of my time with this guy.

[Hitman10000]

I work about 40-45hrs a week, go to classes that accumulate to about 10-20hrs of study/class time which equal = 60 hrs. I still have time.. to go out ONCE on a weekday but I rather do that once every couple weeks to balance out my study cause I have my weekend which is my freetime to do anything.

 

Your boyfriend has given up on the passion and you can feel it, all there is now is just "in and out" like the fast food restaurant. When a woman knows a man has lost his passion in life, a woman then becomes like you... worrying losing her feminity. A real man would not allow a relationship to falter like this, at the very least he would do something interesting every weekend but it's apparent your guy is not giving you that. It's not going to get any better. And it's not the issue of taking you out on the weekend I bet, I bet it's the issue that he's not the man you yourself want him to be. he's just sliding around like a broken car.

 

I don't know what advice to give you as to whether you want to dump him or not, but I think you're at that critical stage where you're thinking about the relationship and such. I recommend listening to some ladies who have been in your experience to give you some insight. Remember, it's not going to get any better than what you got now.

[superconductor]

Walk, I think you're reading too much into this.

 

He spent the last two weekends doing stuff with you.

 

If this was a habitual pattern, then you might have reason to be concerned. But because this is one weekend in three that he's made other plans, I wouldn't stress. Besides, he deserves to have a life outside of your relationship, just like you deserve the same.

[Walk]

Walk, I think you're reading too much into this.

 

He spent the last two weekends doing stuff with you.

 

If this was a habitual pattern, then you might have reason to be concerned. But because this is one weekend in three that he's made other plans, I wouldn't stress. Besides, he deserves to have a life outside of your relationship, just like you deserve the same.

 

why does this coincide with the less affectionate? Is he just sick of me being around him right now?

[Touche]

He runs hot and cold like my ex. I HATE those types! Too damn unpredictable. Who needs that?

[westernxer]

why does this coincide with the less affectionate? Is he just sick of me being around him right now?

 

Given that you guys never see each other, anything is possible.

 

Sounds like a marriage after the sex has gone south.

[Walk]

Given that you guys never see each other, anything is possible.

 

Sounds like a marriage after the sex has gone south.

 

Thought sex was supposed to be southernly directed? hahah

 

so spicing up sex will solve this?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Perhaps it's just a break in the usual routine that's signaled to you that "something is different … or off here." I can understand why your feelings might be hurt, but if spending a weekend with friends is just an occasional change from the usual rut (rather than something that becomes a habit) I don't think you have anything to be concerned about, yet.

 

As far as his "distancing" … maybe the hint to that was in his comment about how he thinks you have it so easy. (???) Perhaps he's feeling a bit stressed out and is externalizing that by comparing his situation to yours. Hopefully whatever perceived envy he has won't manifest itself into some kind of internal resentment towards you. I'd come out and just ask him (in a kind way) if he is unhappy with the current situation between you for some reason. And if there's something the two of you can do together to work things out so neither of you feel unfairly put upon. But I'd wait a day or two rather than jump into any serious discussions the moment he walks back through the door. Otherwise, he might assume you are upset with him for spending time with his friends, and end up feeling even sorrier for himself and resenting the whole situation even more.

 

Good luck Walk, and hope he's in a much better mood when he comes home. Especially if you greet him at the door wearing nothing but a smile!

[Walk]

Good luck Walk, and hope he's in a much better mood when he comes home. Especially if you greet him at the door wearing nothing but a smile!

 

well.. didn't get a chance to meet him at the door. Had to run and pick up some groceries (out of food). He got home before I did.

 

Then he immediately started up his video game and started playing. *sigh* Only time he'd say anything is "aren't you going to go study?", "I thought you had to study." Then back to his game........

 

anyway.. I go upstairs to study. Few minutes later he brought me up a egg and bacon sandwhich he'd made me, and a fresh cup of coffee. Gave me a kiss and went back to his game....

[Touche]

Grown men playing video games:sick:

[EnigmaXOXO]

Maybe the "guilt" sandwich was a peace offering for blowing you off.

 

Does he normally sulk like this ???

[alphamale]

basically WALK...your relationship is over. Its just a thing of convenience now for both of you.

[Walk]

basically WALK...your relationship is over. Its just a thing of convenience now for both of you.

 

ahhh... uh. ok.

Was it the coffee with buddies, or the fast food he ate that showed it was dead...?

 

And does this mean I get to take some of the hot college boys up on their offers now?

 

j/k.

 

He's probably stressed. I think Enigma is right... he's mentioned lately that he's really stressing about how to cover all the bills and stuff. He gets distant when he gets really stressed.

 

Thanks for the input. I think I was getting bent out of shape about him going out with his friends, but I'll talk to him about his comments regarding how easy I have it. See how he responds and go from there.

[Adunaphel]

Maybe the "guilt" sandwich was a peace offering for blowing you off.

 

I agree. Either a kind of apology or a way to say "hey, I care about you".

[EnigmaXOXO]

… I was hoping you had logged off to go talk to him. I know your guy and mine are two different people, and no one knows your boyfriend's moods better than you, but usually when people are pouting … it's because something is bothering them and they just don't know how to go about discussing it without fear of opening up a can of worms. Guys are pretty good at avoiding confrontation … especially with us females because we tend to get overly emotional and all blubbery at the first hint that something is wrong. And then we want to talk … and talk … and talk … and talk (sometimes without doing much listening).

 

Hope the egg sandwich was good! At least he can fry an egg!!

 

Johnny tried to make me breakfast once … but I was too afraid to eat it because he dumped a can tuna in the scrambled eggs. (I got all paranoid that he was trying to tell me something, too! :o ) …. And that was the LAST time I allowed him in the kitchen! :lmao:

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

basically WALK...your relationship is over. Its just a thing of convenience now for both of you.

 

That was too quick a judgement, Alpha.

 

Walk, I don't think it gets "over" in one weekend. You said he was really nice when he spent the previous 2 weekends with you. Did you even try to let him know you're not too comfortable with his behavior?

 

It seems that somehow, you're abetting the non-communicative habit too. How hard is it to get him to talk for a few minutes, instead of frustatedly watching him play the video games?

 

Maybe he's feeling low about things in his life, and this is his way of coping with it. From what I remember of your posts, you guys are stressed most of the time due to financial problems. That might be causing both of you to despair, which in turn leaves little to look forward to.

 

Pehaps addressing that issue first and working out some solution will give you both a break from the constant worrying.

[Walk]

Against the advice of the majority... I decided to be more, uhm.. how to describe it.. Understanding, I guess. I encouraged him to play the game, didn't try to talk to him about how I was feeling. Later we made dinner, we watched some tv, and he went to bed. I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself ( ).

 

Then got up this morning, and he was a chatter box. He made me breakfast, gave me a back massage, and later (after I finish some homework) he said he wants to go to the library with me while I look up some journal articles. (which is about the only place we can afford to go to. hahah)

 

It doesn't bother me when he plays the video games, and I don't necessarily equate it to pouting. Him pouting means he sits on the couch and chain smokes while staring at the floor. I hate when he does that. But the games are more of an escape from reality. Plus, he doesn't play the game to the exclusion of all else. If I'm sitting nearby, he'll stop teh game every 30 minutes or so and ask me questions. like if I'm not doing anything, if I want to do something, or what am I thinking about, or how am I..etc.

 

He did say that since I had said I had to study all day that he would occupy himself so that I could concentrate on my school work. I think the intent was good.. but our communication got crossed in this, and I jumped to conclusions that he didn't want anything to do with me.

 

Thanks again for the responses.

[Guest]

I read some of your old posts. This man is bad news and you settle for crumbs from him because you don't think you're worth anything more. There's a pattern here of him doing what he wants and complaining at almost everything you do. I don't know what's happened to you in your life that you would settle for so little from someone and think that constitutes 'love'. It does not. I pray you find your self-respect as well as a man who treats you much, much, MUCH better than this self-involved jerk does.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Against the advice of the majority... I decided to be more, uhm.. how to describe it.. Understanding, I guess. I encouraged him to play the game, didn't try to talk to him about how I was feeling. Later we made dinner, we watched some tv, and he went to bed. I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself ( ).

 

Then got up this morning, and he was a chatter box. He made me breakfast, gave me a back massage, and later (after I finish some homework) he said he wants to go to the library with me while I look up some journal articles. (which is about the only place we can afford to go to. hahah)

 

It doesn't bother me when he plays the video games, and I don't necessarily equate it to pouting. Him pouting means he sits on the couch and chain smokes while staring at the floor. I hate when he does that. But the games are more of an escape from reality. Plus, he doesn't play the game to the exclusion of all else. If I'm sitting nearby, he'll stop teh game every 30 minutes or so and ask me questions. like if I'm not doing anything, if I want to do something, or what am I thinking about, or how am I..etc.

 

He did say that since I had said I had to study all day that he would occupy himself so that I could concentrate on my school work. I think the intent was good.. but our communication got crossed in this, and I jumped to conclusions that he didn't want anything to do with me.

 

Thanks again for the responses.

 

 

There it is again. People's problems are unique and have so many hidden aspects that might not come out in the post. And still, us LSers can't resist launching into a detailed analysis and explanation.

 

I give up!

[Walk]

There it is again. People's problems are unique and have so many hidden aspects that might not come out in the post. And still, us LSers can't resist launching into a detailed analysis and explanation.

 

I give up!

 

I felt your thoughts and advice were really good. And I used yours, and Enigma's suggestions on Sunday when I talked to him.

[Guest]

First, since this has been going on for only a week, give it some time and see if he returns to his normal loving self as he may just be going through some phase with problems of his own to deal with and it is coming out in unpleasant ways. If this continues, or lets say it continues to flip flop--one week loving, the next NOT, the next week loving, the next not.....you get the picture, well, WALK. The fact that he chose to go out with his friends one weekend is not what bothered me about your post. Here is what did: "I'm the one that cleans the house, washes and hangs up all his laundry. I do the dishes everyday and cook the majority of the meals." You asked him to cuddle and he refused. He has started making derogatory remarks about how "easy" you have it.

 

If he continues the pattern of denying you physical affection, then alternating it with lots of affection, continues the put downs as if you are unworthy, in spite of the fact that you are handling HIS **** (such as laundry etc) and he is obviously ungratelful for it, well, you could be dealing with a person who will turn out to be an emotional or verbal abuser. I'm not saying he is or will be, but I see some red flags there that cause me some concern. Now some may say this is a wild stretch, but having been in a relationship like that, I can tell you that is how it starts out--the withholding of affection even when asked for, the seeing you as the maid (entitlement), and the subtle or not so subtle putdowns. But like I said, he very well may revert back to his old self, problem solved. But if he continues the verbal putdowns over the next month or two and continues the controlling of a very simple request for a cuddle, I have to admit I am concerned for you.

[allina]

I've read several of your posts, and I don't think he's a terrible guy or that the relationship is over. I think that you are very dramatic (I don't mean that as an insult, just what I feel from your posts) I think maybe what you tell yourself and think is put in a much more traumatyic way than necessary. Like the whole "we have no food, I don't know when I'll see a cent or be able to eat, I'm just so tired stressed and poor" attitude. I understand that you have little money and time, but guess what, you arent in any worse of a situation than many people struggling through college. There are people who have to balance school, children and a job all on their own. I think your bf's comment about you having it easy was rude and untrue but I can see where he's coming from.

 

Your bf does seem to love you but it's like he doesnt get your feelings at times. Looks like he's a major dud in the emotional/romantic/thoughtful depertments.

[Walk]

I think that you are very dramatic (I don't mean that as an insult, just what I feel from your posts) I think maybe what you tell yourself and think is put in a much more traumatyic way than necessary.

Maybe... i don't think so though. No more than the average person like you would be. It's the problems we had in the past though that cause me to react so strongly.

 

Although I understand where you're coming from saying others have it just as hard if not harder... They do. My problem came from the fact that I wasn't comparing my life to others, I was comparing it to what I needed/wanted from life.. and it wasn't measuring up. And the dischord causes me stress. Sometimes it motivates me to try harder to get what I need and want. Other times, it just pisses me off.

 

It wasn't really the money, or the effort, it was the instability I felt.

[Island Girl]

Then he immediately started up his video game and started playing. *sigh* Only time he'd say anything is "aren't you going to go study?", "I thought you had to study." Then back to his game........

 

anyway.. I go upstairs to study. Few minutes later he brought me up a egg and bacon sandwhich he'd made me, and a fresh cup of coffee. Gave me a kiss and went back to his game....

 

I think the whole situataion has to be looked at not just this weekend. You went out the last few weekends and he was romantic and fun.

 

No problem there -

 

Then he goes out with his buddies once in a while.

 

No problem there.

 

Not talking to you about it - well that should be easily resolved when you are both rested or on your next outing. I woulodn't recommend tackling it on the heels of how you've been feeling. It could get wrapped up in some unnecessary carry over emotion.

 

Also the jokes about your life being easy have to stop - they are not funny and you take them at least a little bit to heart. So they are hurtful. So this could be resolved as well. Going to school is mentally draining and just as difficult as a job at your level. But when you explain this be careful not to fall into tit-for-tat if you know what I mean.

 

--- He was saying, I thought you had to study, etc. out of concern for what you are trying to accomplish and looking at your priorities which effect you as a couple as well. I don't see anything wrong with that.

*** Unless he was saying it with a bad attitude.

 

And I don't think the sandwich was to make up for going out or anything. I think he was just making a sweet gesture. It doesn't always have to be candy and flowers all the time. Sometimes the sweetest things are - 'I'm hungry, she's probably hungry too' and then solving for that.

 

He thought about you and your needs. That is all I see in that.

 

And he probably thinks that after 2.5 years you would be able to just talk to him about how you feel.