Giving him space - will it bring him closer or will I lose him?

[Guest]

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. We are not kids any more - I'm 32 and he's 35 - so I think after a year we should be able to at least start thinking about the next step (living together). I've asked him about this several times. At first he said he wanted to wait until he started making more money, got a car (that's right, he doesn't own a car yet), etc.

 

Since he just started a new job (his first ever non-dead-end job) less than 6 months ago, it's going to take a while for him to work his way up from the bottom, where he is now. Problem with that argument, I thought, is that he is making enough now to afford splitting rent with me. I even think he has enough money to by a used car by now. But, he will not do either yet. I told him I didn't buy the financial reason and every time I brought it up after that, he had a new reason for not wanting to live with me. They all just seemed like lame excuses. I finally thought that maybe the real reason he wouldn't even consider the possibility after a while was that I was pushing him about it too much. So, I've taken some advice and started to back off. I told him I am looking into getting an apartment with a friend of mine (and I am).

 

I signed up for a ballroom dance class by myself (I wanted us to take together, but he couldn't commit to the schedule because he never knows when he'll have to work overtime). I've decided not to call him at the "usual time" every night. I am keeping the conversations we do have shorter and I don't give him as much detail about things going on in "my" life. So far, when he didn't get the usual call from me, he called several times before I actually answered. He asked why I hadn't called; said he missed hearing from me. He was surprised when I told him I couldn't see him Friday night because I went ahead and signed up for that class by myself - and that, in fact, I couldn't see him until Saturday night. (Since we are only able to see each other on weekends, this limits our time together quite a bit.) Though he was surprised, he seemed to take it in stride. When I told him I might have to go see an apartment with my friend this weekend, he seemed happy for me.

 

The fact is, I am worried about wasting my time on a relationship that may have no future. I am not getting any younger and I would like to get married one day. Plus, if I do decide I want children one day, well, the clock is ticking. At the same time, this is the best relationship I've had in a long time and if he isn't pulling my chain about just wanting to be more financially stable before taking the next step with me, then I don't want to risk losing him.

 

I am trying to keep in mind that before we got together, he had not even dated for 6 years. So, he's been pretty ingrained in bachelorhood. Plus, like I said, this is the first job he's ever had that pays decently and actually has future potential. So, he really may just need more time to adjust to all this change. I just don't know how to tell if it's still an adjustment period or if he's really never going to be able to take the next step with me. Will voluntarily giving him this space help or hinder our future potential together?

[BitterSweet4]

Have you tried asking him if he wants more space? You should have a long convrsation and find out what he really wants, and wether or not he sees a furture. If he cares about you he won't want to waste your time.

[Walk]

First, I think a good long talk about "the future" and how he views it, is in order. Ie. Ask questions about where he see's his life in the next year, next ten years.. etc. Just be curious about what he wants out of life in the years to come. But don't make it into a "When are you going to move in?!?!" quest. Just a conversation in which you attempt to learn how his mind is working.. not to force him to come to a conclusion about you two. I wouldn't even mention "the relationship" but keep everything general, hypothetical, unpressured.

 

Personally, I find responses to the general hypothetical questions are the most honest.

 

But I think a better way of helping the relationship might be to dig a little deeper into his thoughts through questions. Or maybe you have, but didn't share them here. But.. have you asked him what it would take for him to feel comfortable living with someone? Like, does he need a lot of alone time? Does he want several days out of the week to just hang out with the guys without feeling like he'll be punished by a girlfriend?

 

I think if you two came to some understandings about what both of you need in order to feel comfortable living together, then it would be less scary for him to make that kind of commitment. Otherwise he's left with a lot of assumptions regarding living with you. Which, most assumptions amoung men is that once they move in they are locked down to spending every single day with that woman. No boys nights out. No time alone. No "I just want the evening to myself, please occupy yourself."

 

For both of you.. you need to figure out what his idea of living with someone is, and what he feels he's losing by making that commitment to you. If both of you can come to an agreement about whatever his fear is (space, time alone, going out.) and work out an agreement, then you'll take away whatever walls are preventing him from making the commitment.

 

For example.. my bf needs space. More than I would necessarily like. He can't/won't live with a woman who is unwilling to give him the space he needs. He has never in the past just said what concerned him about moving in with the woman. He always passed it off as not enough money, too many obligations, etc. In his mind, she would show whether he'd get the space he needed through her actions when they didn't live together.. instead of just talking and trying to comprimise, they blindly tried to interpret actions that had no bearing on future actions in order to make decisions to base the relationship on....

 

All I'm saying is ask him what his concerns are relating to moving in. Time, money, fear of being under lock and key, space, fear of being rejected for being a slob? See if you two can discuss how both of you view things, and where each of you have common views, and difference. Take away the unknown aspect, and you'll take away the fear.

 

Or he's just leading you on and not man enough to let you go find a real man.

[Guest]

Thank you for the input. Actually, I have asked him all those things at one point or another. He claims that he does see us moving to the next level in the future, but he said he wants to start making more money first. I also made sure to ask him if anything was holding him back from the idea of moving in with me. He came up with a couple of things that he thought might be a problem and we came to a compromise when necessary - and for some concerns, I just tried to assure him they would not be a problem. For example, he was concerned about what he believes is my "depression." He doesn't want to live with someone if they're depressed all the time. Oddly, as I explained to him, the only things that've been getting me down lately are my father's failing health (understandable, I think), the fact that I continue live alone in a basement apartment, and the fact that he seems unwilling to take the relationship any further. The latter two issues would be resolved if we moved in together, so those points are moot. His final concern, which I could not find a remedy for, was his "I just don't want to have to change how I live now" statement. I cannot tell him that how he lives now would not change - obviously it would. I assured him, however, that I would not require that we be together 24/7 just because we live together. Quite the opposite actually. I'd want us to go our separate ways often enough so we don't risk getting sick of each other. Whether that means actually leaving the apartment to go out with friends, or even just going into separate rooms to watch different t.v. shows. As long as he comes to bed at night, I'm good.

I don't know for sure, but I have a nagging feeling that one of the "the way I live now" items he may be more concerned about is the fact that he smokes pot regularly now and he knows I would not want him to do so if we lived together. Although we have not discussed this issue particularly in regards to living together, I do not think it needs to be spoken. He said a while ago that he knows one day he will have to give up that lifestyle, but I don't know when/if he'll be ready to actually do it.