Has Abuse ever stopped?

[Guest]

I left my abusive H a month ago, and now I am considering taking him back, because he is doing and saying all the right things. We are starting councelling and church. I have never heard of one story where an abuser stopped abusing.

 

Can he really change? Any happy endings out there?

 

Also, if I take him back and the pattern continues, what's the next step in the pattern?

 

He shoved me, then he started throwing stuff at me, then I told him I would leave if he ever did again, so he never did again...but six months later I left him any way, because of the emotional and mental abuse (CONSTANT nagging! Nothing I ever did was good enough.)

 

He has changed since I started talking to him again, but I know that they all change, and then resort right back.

 

So again, ANY HAPPY ENDINGS!?

[Walk]

Everything I've read on reforming abusers is that it's a extremely LONG road to recovery. Like decades, not months or years. And a majority of the time, it doesn't work.

 

Look at his motives for doing this? Prior to leaving, was he looking into help? Or only after you left? If he's only doing this to get you back, then as soon as that happens he'll go back to how he was. He has to want to stop his behavior for HIM. To change his life, with or without you in it.

 

I aso feel that if a person is fairly vocal about "Look at what I'm doing to change" then the change isn't real. It's for show. When a person doesn't make a point to tell you these things, but just does them without vocalizing them beyond "I can't tonight, I have a meeting.".. then it's real. Then it's for HIM, and not because he feels he'll get a reward from you out of it.

 

Basically, in my experience the more vocal they are about the sincerity of change, the less sincere they are. The more they work on just doing it, and focus on themselves, then the more sincere they are about the effort.

[Moose]

We are starting councelling and church.

Counceling will surely help, and try to seek out a Church home that you know you could become a life long member of.

 

Become a part of that community and yes, I do believe he can change.

[alphamale]

...and yes, I do believe he can change.

Ha ha ha ha

[Craig]

I left my abusive H a month ago, and now I am considering taking him back, because he is doing and saying all the right things. We are starting councelling and church. I have never heard of one story where an abuser stopped abusing.

 

Can he really change? Any happy endings out there?

Completely happy endings from what I've seen, what I've read and the DV councilors and survivor/victims I've talked to are rare (when dealing with a true cycle of violence abuser.)

 

Also, if I take him back and the pattern continues, what's the next step in the pattern?

Wow, that is an awesome question! From my experience if a true abuser is sufficiently motivated by external factors (threat of being arrested, or getting arrested and threat of jail or the SO threatening to leave, etc.) they will stop the abusive behavior they were doing but then shift to another form of abuse.

 

This is what your husband did. You threatened to leave him if he ever got physical with you again and he shifted to emotional and mental abuse.

 

So if you take him back and he hasn't really begun to recover from being an abuser he will find some other way to be abusive to you.

 

The next step in the pattern (if your husband falls into the category of the incurable abuser) would be a honeymoon period of marital bliss followed by the usual tension building (while you walk on egg shells) and then he abuses you again. Then the cycle repeats itself forever. But because he might change his style of abuse and not begin the abuse right away you might not be aware of the start of abuse unless you're looking for it.

 

Abuse can be avoided provided both parties are motivated. Simply put, if both parties don't do anything that would violate the other's well being then abuse can not occur.

 

Guest, you've only been separated from your husband for a month. That is a very short period of time for anyone to make a substantial change.

 

I'd advise you not to take your husband back until you and he are both aware of what abusive behavior is, healthy ways to handle the inevitable and normal challenges that living with another person bring and don't allow other dysfunction like passive aggressive behavior into the relationship.

 

So continue the counseling and church (a good anger management program for him would help too) but before you let him come back into your life completely, please make sure that you have the strength to end the relationship permanently and stop all contact with him if he turns out to be one of the people that just can't/won't change.

[Guest]

I left my abusive H a month ago, and now I am considering taking him back, because he is doing and saying all the right things. We are starting councelling and church. I have never heard of one story where an abuser stopped abusing.

 

Can he really change? Any happy endings out there?

 

Also, if I take him back and the pattern continues, what's the next step in the pattern?

 

He shoved me, then he started throwing stuff at me, then I told him I would leave if he ever did again, so he never did again...but six months later I left him any way, because of the emotional and mental abuse (CONSTANT nagging! Nothing I ever did was good enough.)

 

He has changed since I started talking to him again, but I know that they all change, and then resort right back.

 

So again, ANY HAPPY ENDINGS!?

 

 

Don't fall for this, abusers don't stop.

 

Continue counselling for yourself but don't make the mistake of stepping back into an abusive relationship when you have done the hardest part already by getting out. It doesn't get easier to leave just because you have done it before.

 

Good luck.

[luvstarved]

I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and it did not change, but did shift around a bit from physical to verbal/emotional. And would disappear for short periods of time...Over time, it just got worse. We did try counseling but in my case I never really got any deep sense of remorse from my exH.

 

Anything is possible but the odds are very much against you. I agree that the more his change seems directed at winning you back, the less I would trust it. He has to have a self awareness and a goal beyond that and I would think a very very profound sense of remorse and regret before he starts moving in a positive direction.

 

If you really love him and want a healthy relationship with him then I suppose that it is worth a try. What I would worry about the most is the "getting worse" part and any potential that he would resent you even more over time for not "rewarding his efforts" and escalating his behavior to more dangerous levels...please tread carefully whatever you decide to do and put your own well being and safety first.