LilOlMe Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 I am 31, my H is 33. Married 8 years, 2 young kids. I just discovered my H has been having a PA (not EA) for about 3 years by finding emails between him and the OW. I confronted him after 6 weeks of watching the emails adn listening to voicemail. He was meeting her before/after work (he works 24-hour shifts). Initially he denied the affair, then said they never had sex, then admitted it was only 1 time and since then hasn't gone "that" far. He has since said it was only 2 times that they had sex. In addition to the PA, he joined a website titled "Romantic Rendezvous' for Attached Adults". His admission to this is only that he was looking to talk to other people in his situation (in his words, lack of attention, affection) and says that none of the emails he sent ever went to the next level with any sexual overtures. When I confronted him, I had a suitcase packed with his belongings and told him not to come home. He has been out of the house for 2 1/2 weeks - other than coming by 3 days a week to watch the kids while I work (from home, in the basement). He told the OW that they can have no contact, that he wants to work things out with me. I continue to think he is not telling the entire truth. I have repeatedly told him that I need the entire truth before I can begin to move forward. I have had "gut feelings" that lead me to even suspect in the first place, and believe that he wasn't initially telling the truth after I confronted him. My gut feelings aren't as strong now, so I wonder whether I should try to let that go and move forward so we can begin to fix the problems in our marriage. How important is it to have the "entire" picture of what happened if he admitted to it already? We are going to MC - have been 4 times, switched therapists after the 2nd visit. He constantly tells me that he thinks it is bad for him to be out of the house because he doesn't thnk the distance will help our marriage. I sometimes want him back here (I have not admitted that to him, but I really miss him terribly) but other times I think it would be too easy to get back to "normal". Every day he tells me how sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he is committed to making this work out. I haven't told him I loved him since I confronted him. Also, how do you even begin to trust again? I am so devastated by this, that I am having a hard time getting through each day without breaking down (even now that I've know for 2 months). I think I want to make this work - but I am so scared that it could happen again in the future if he felt neglected again. He hid it so well from me for almost 3 years. I would like to hear from anyone who hads been through this and how you've gotten past it - whether staying in the marriage or not. Thanks for listening.
umbo Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Dear LIloMe I can tell you are a very strong woman who can face the evils of this world. LiloMe you sound like a champion you did not run to the divorce lawyer right away. That is admirable, Yes your husband has to tell you the whole truth and we both know he was intimate with the OW more than 2 times. YOur husband has to come clean to start over you need a clean canvas. Your husband now has to prove his honesty prove his love prove his vows and oaths that he took. This will take time, let your husband know that you will never be walked upon and that you will take every thing he worked so hard to get(ie the house, the cars, you will get much child support and alimony, health insurance) and much much more. If he doesn't come to his senses and get new friends a new attitude and a new heart. Having an affair for 3 years behind your back and not having any conscious about it sounds like his love is not worth a second chance however that is up to you to decide. I have tears in my eyes reading about your grief. Sounds like he is playing head games with you trying to manipulate you. Good Luck you deserve so much better.
Hard2Think Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 I can't speak for your husband, but I guess I can relate to where he's coming from as I myself cheated and got caught. I think you might consider the following: 1) He probably does love you and does not want to lose the marriage to you. This has nothing to do with losing the house, the kids, nor anything else. He loves you - as hard as that may be to think right now ("If he loved me he never would have hurt me like this"). 2) He may have difficulty coming clean because he's afraid of making things worse than they already are with you - not because he needs to protect OW nor his affair. 3) There may be some root causes in the marriage that led to this. He complained of infrequent sex and affection. Did he mention this before your discovery? Mind you - this does not in any way suggest that the A is your fault nor that it's justified. It isn't. It just means that maybe you both have more control over whether or not this happens again by addressing whatever was a problem in the marriage before this all happened. 4) I agree with him that the distance is not good for the marriage. YOu should let him come back. Doesn't mean that things have to be rosy - or that you agreed to reconcile, but at least it gives a chance for him to hear you vent at him and tell him how you feel. If he can survive that - you know he's serious. Good luck - I know this has to be a nightmare for you.
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