I need an answer!

[Zankon]

When 2 people decide they wanna be together and they do let's say for

6 months, 1 , 2 , 199 years and one day... baaaaaam break up for whatever

reason. Both parties feel pain... I know it for a fact because i was dumped once (first relatioship) and I dumped all the other times. And I assure you I had painful feelings that were almost identical; the only difference is that when you are the dumpee you ask "Why? what went wrong?"

 

But my question is: is the pain a result of lost of love or is it fear of being

alone and not doing the things we were accustomed to? Or is it fear of not being loved and appreciated? What's this feeling?

[Heart66]

Its a huge combination of all of the above!

[Josalina]

it depends how long you were together and y you, spilt up.

i have only been dumped once this last time, all the other times i have been the dumper, sounds horrible but i didnt feel that bad when i was the dumper, now i am the dumpee i feel like the whole worlds crashing down on me.

very hard to tell i think you feel all those things but the main reason is the unknown, you don't know if your chapter of life has finished completley or not being dumped, it you r the dumper then you know how you feel to finish the relationship and whether it is the end or not, usually the one who has been dumped i thought felt it more.

y do u feel it is the same pain whether u finish it or not?

[Zankon]

Josalina, I am not sure why but when I was dumped I felt horrible, useless, ugly, not wanted, desperate for attention. When I dumped I felt horrible as well, and something stinging in my heart. Most of the time, I try to remember only the bad things about the relationship to make it easier and that s probably the only thing that gets me going hoping there are better things out there.

 

A friend of mine said to me that I am so generous and caring that I grieve when I know I can t take care of my gf anymore... I remember a gf that marked my life; it was this 3 years girlfriend who started the whole "i need space i don t know what I want" hollywood movie. After 2 months she called back and asked me to reconciliate. I refused by syaing: "I know you needed time to get your mind together because you didnt know what you wanted. I know what I want" I continued "I want you but I know I can t have you back so I will respectfully set you free" After that she met a dentist who was making lots of money (mind u i just graduated then) and had a blast with him.

6 months later she called me telling me they broke up and how bad he treated her. I honestly cried and it hurt me to know that she suffered. (we never go back because I cut all the links with her including changing my phone #)

 

Now I am with my so called gf who started telling me I need to get a life and acting all independant and all after she got her promotion at work. Now this girl is 265 pounds and my friends always told me what the F*** is wrong with you? I don't know, I never had a big GF before i said i ll try it now she grew on me. Now I was thikning last night if we break up, what would she do, will she be ok, will she get back to eating and gaining more weight (I helped her put a plan to lose weight and all)...

 

So why is this pain so hurtful and why do I keep thinking abot the other party so much?

[Josalina]

ok i now understand exactly where u r coming from, if my last ex told me someone treated him bad, i 2 wud b very upset.

but at the time, if things aren't working out i wud try and make it work, and if it still didnt, i would end it, u have to look after number 1.

 

you sound a very caring man but u have to consider your own feelings, if someone is treating you bad, you don't stand for it, just as if one of your ex's gets treated bad you wouldn't b happy for their sake.

u deserve so much more, you need the same respect you give out, they will lose out in the long run.

u really have to do what is best for you, no one else will.

how long have you been with her? and how long has she not been the one for you?

[Zankon]

Josalina, thanks for your prompt response I apologize I couldn't write earlier because I went away for the week end to refresh my mind.

To answer your question, we've been going out for 1.5 years 6 months of which living together.

 

Now this whole drama started few days after her promotion which she got 3 weeks ago. She says (and I respect her feelings) that everything just broke

down on her at once and she started listing all my faults and things that I

said or did that I shouldn't ve said or done.

 

So I asked her how about the good things? She said to me "Yes BUT...."

 

I said "in every relationship there is bad and good and we all hope that there

will be so much good that the bad is just marginal because bottom line is we're 2 different human beings."

 

So she agreed (somehow) and said that she's stressed with work and yadi yada. Then she mentioned something I didn't expect; she said that she's 29 now and she can't be waiting for me to settle and feel confortable enough to marry her because she's afraid that she'll turn 34 and stay single and that she wants to settle and have a family of her own.

 

Josalina, you might think yeah she wants to get more serious. But I told her since day ONE that I won't settle till my business gets running and I m no longer on the red ink. She said then why don't you just go and get a job like

other people. That hurt me... a LOT.

 

She;s the one that called me when we first met, she s the one who insisted in moving in with me, it's because of her that I took on some financial engagements because she said she ll support me morally and financially if necessary and all... Our last conversation she said "if I move out will you still be my boyfriend because I love you and I wanna be with you because you take care of me and you're the most amazing person I ve met blah blah blah"

 

I thought to myself that there is nobody to blame but myself because I shouldn't ve gotten myself into all this. So I jumped in my car and drove to a different city to visit with some friends to get my brains together.

 

Josalina, how do you explain such behavior? and what do you suggest I should do?

[Josalina]

i just wrote u a really long reply, pressed submit and my connection failed so i lost it lol:laugh: .

 

ok i will try a remember it.

 

it sound like she still loves u a lot and the reason she said about your job like that, which i might add was very mean, she done it through frustration, she is angry that she cant get you back to how she wants so she is saying things she knows will get to you, silly but you can see why she is doing it, she thinks you have hurt her, what she doest see it the positives, that is u have been honest with her, to her straight, looked after her while she was with u etc.

sorry run by me why u wanted to split up with her again?

 

what is the worst thing she can say to you to make you reconsider?

 

as i will asure u she will leave it till last then use that as her last wepon, because when u have been with someone a while u know there weaknesses.

 

i have been to hell and back with my ex this weekend, so i haven't been online much either so don't worry.

it is deff over between us, i am a lil sad as i had been with him every day for 2 and a half years, but everything is done for a reason.

u focus on your business and prove your ex wrong, don't ever doubt yourself, you sound like a very nice person and she is a fool to have said that, because now, you won't want her back, you will want to prove to her your business is worth it, just like you were.

never give up on yourself.

 

so anyway did you have a nice weekend away?

[Josalina]

oh yes i just read back your posts u have the right thing, get rid of her, what person has the right to tell her boyfriend to 'get a life' try reminding her how she was with you, u were forsed to finish it through all the comments and let downs, i feel so sorry for you, she has realised what she had to late. then she has the cheek to comment about your business like that. ok now mate is the only time you can not feel sorry for a woman, she has treated u terribly, i am suprised she didn't see it coming.

 

i am telling u know though, work out what the the worst guilt treatment for her to say to get you back? as she will try it.

women go through stages: shock, sadness, anger, hurt, denial, hate, love, trying to get you back, the guilt treatment and then follows rejection and a very numb body and broken heart, thats if she is feeling anything yet but the hate, when i say hate i don't mean she wants you dead, i mean she hates the way you have made her feel.

 

it is a nasty, horrible process and i know u feel for her, and i could understand that if she had nothing wrong, but she has pushed u to it.

[Zankon]

She asked me that in case she decides she wants to move in to her own place if I would lend her 2000 $ for deposit and buy some furniture. I said it's fine with me I don't want you to have a financial hardship and I ll help as much as I can.

After 15 mn I asked her when she thinks she'd be moving out so I'd plan my finances accordingly... She said "Are you kicking me out" I said no but I just wanted to know cuz I d hate it if she one day she just says I m gone tomorrow. She said "Why are acting like I am leaving"...

 

ok what is this **** now... I thnk she s playing with my mind... whatever she s doing i think she s wasting my time with this "i don't know what I want" and all.

 

I think I should just take it like a man squish my heart and make the jump and pronounce the official break up

[Josalina]

oh Zankon, y did u agree to help her out, u know u won't get it back right?

she is treating u terribly, u r right she is trying to mess with your head, and your money by the sounds of it.

i understand u r a nice guy and don't want her to be financially in trouble, but its not your problem mate. she is using you to your full advantage, she will make u feel terrible to get what she wants, u don't need that.

 

i don't know what to say as it is hard, if i say go ahead dump her now, she is taking u for a ride, although u know i'm right it will take a lot to do it, then u have to face the adbuse or worse her making u feel even worse,. but look at in the long run, u cut loses while u have then chance or let her carry on and do it at a later date, i really can't tell you what to do,as i don't want be the reason for you pain, but have a long think about it, if you want someone to talk to i am her for you, but i can't tell you what to do.

 

either way u are not going to be better off, you either do it now and move on happier knowing u won't get used and put down, yet sad to have upset her, as i know u will feel bad, or you try and make it work and let her stay but the possibility will be she gets you down and carrys on like she is, it is totally your own call, you are the only one who knows if u can make it work, just put yourself and you business first for a change, dont let her get everything her own way and take care of you.

[Zankon]

Thanks so much for being such a good listener.

 

I slept in the living room last night which makes it now 3 nights in a row that

we don't sleep n the same bed. So this morning she calls me and says that

she's staying and she wouldn't wanna lose me ever. She said: "I thought about the whole thing and I know deep in my heart that I can't carry on life

without you in it. You're the best any girl would ask for you take care of me,

you worry about me, blah blah blah, and I am sorry I hurt u last couple of weeks because of my own uncertainties and stupidities"

 

So I listened to the whole thing without saying a word because I realized that

she had not checked her email yet. (I said in it that there is no need for us to be talking to each other anymore and moving out will be the best option and I gave her the choice to either keep the place or get a new one) 98% of the furniture in the house is mine so I gave her that option because I want her to feel that she has a choice rather than me kicking her out feeling and I insured her that I ll always lend her the deposit money should she need any.

 

So she called again from a blocked number (this time she read the email) and she started crying saying that she doesn't wanna lose me and she was stupid for doing what she did. And she doesn't wanna wake up everymorning without me there. I said 'you're just afraid of being alone and lonely which is a feeling that tends to fade quickly' She insisted that she knows she wants me and she will never start this crap again ever.

 

hum, my thought is let me just give her another chance but i ll be aware that a break up will be coming soon because it's almost certain she ll start this crap again. If she does I ll say well I tried and gave it another chance... that way my concsious will be clear.

 

What do you think? Or maybe I m stupid for doing this...

[Zankon]

OK we broke up... i told her she better focus all her energy on her career, friends and whatnot. She said she wants to work on this and her last sms said "Why are you doing this? Don'tyou want us to be happy like before?"

I didn't really reply.

 

As far as I m concerned, I don't wanna think about this anymore but i have this stingy feeling in my heart that hits me almost 3 to 4 times an hour...

 

I ve been through break ups before and I know once I can focus my mind on something else I ll be able to move on but boy do I hate this feeling <- I m not sure is this feeling is loss or guilt or what?

[Guest]

its me josalina, i can't log on as on different computer. i am so sorry i haven't wrote my computer is in repairs, it is not done yet and i wont be till near the end of next week by the sound of it.

i am so sorry to hear that, i hope you are feeling a little better now, i feel terrible my computer broke half way through all this for you.

i will be online and reading your post as soon as i can get my computer back.

 

just remember, u have done the right thing for you, and although u feel bad now, u can start to focus on you with out the put downs.

 

i hope you have a good weekend, try and keep busy.

i will post again asap.

 

take care of you, josalina

[Guest]

I dunno if you got my last mail, as it hasn't posted, my computers broke at home so thats why i haven't been able to contact you, i will post again asap. u have done the right thing mate. i relly hope your weekend is going ok, just keep busy, the feelings you are feeling r normal mate.

i cant go into much detail here as on a different computer and can't give much away as they read it.

take care. josalina

[Josalina]

hey i am back on, my computer has fixed, r u ok?