KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Hi everyone! As many of you may know, I am a MW who fell very hard for another MM. It's almost been one year since that 'fling'. After countless hours on LS, among other things (books, exercise, work, music, kids, travel, etc.), I am happy to let you - OWs and OMs - know that there is bright light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN be happy again. I still peruse some of the posts on this forum, but I don't post as often as I used to. Trust me, I can feel your pains - I've been there, myself. I know where you are. It is not a pretty place - to be constantly fighting with yourself; wanting to do what is right/good but can't; wanting to figure out what the MM (MW) is thinking; and feeling helpless but also with a great sense of HOPE. I can't comment on all your threads, so I thought I would tell you how I did it, how I 'cured' myself out of this emotional entanglement. First, believe in yourself. You have to believe that you are strong enough to put a stop to your longings and heartaches. Believe that you will eventually get out of this. Secondly, understand that your situation with your MM is an illusion, a fantasy. It is not real. Like a drug, it keeps luring you back because the emotional high that you get from your interaction with your MM is just that. You cannot live off drugs, so why do you attempt to live off your fantasy? Third, and this is probably not easy, but you have to understand that your MM (or MW, if you are the OM) is NOT THAT INTO if he is not willing to leave his spouse for you. It shows that he is afraid of commiting himself to you. Secretly, he knows that he's putting on a show for YOU, which he can maintain every now and then, but never full time. I know, you will give me a bunch of excuses as to why he can't leave his M. Heck, even several months ago, I thought that I wanted what was best for my MM - which would be for him to stay in his M. However, I have finally come to realize that I am worth all the trouble that a divorce entails. If I am willing to divorce my H and create havoc for my family, why wouldn't he be willing to do the same? Fourth, if you are also married, please work on yourself first. This is the meat of it all, really. You started an affair - obviously because you were unhappy at the time you met your MM, and he filled those unmet needs and made you very happy. You are not going to change your H. You may not even change the dynamics of your relationship with your H, especially if you've been together for a very long time (10+ years). But work on yourself. What is it that YOU need? What can YOU do to make YOURSELF happy? Take care of yourself, and you will see that your needs to be with MM will dissipate into thin air. The truth is, we put our MMs on a pedestal. We love him and we idolize him. He can be perfect because he is only with us for such a short amount of time. I can be a bitchy for a few hours a day but you wouldn't find me bitching the whole day - that's just not me. When you finally see how strong, how smart, and truly beautiful you are, then your MM will appear more human - maybe even more so than your H. When you can say that you want a D for YOURSELF (because you think that you are better off without your H), then - HURRAY! - you can be free to choose - and you may not choose your MM (especially if he's still married to the woman whom he's not sleeping/in love with.) If he didn't choose you, then it is really his loss. You didn't lose.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Just.Beautiful. Perfectly stated.
bunset Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 KHLF, I can agree with you.. even though my A hasn't been over for much more than 3 months. I wish I could magically take away the pain for you OW/OM, but leave the joy of growing into yourself. I'll tell you that you will change and the conditions of your current or new relationships will not matter nearly as much as they did. Most of all, give yourself the gift of happiness! That is when love will find you.
Guest Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. I read these posts and I get no help because to me you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholics who are in denial. If he called again, you would be in it once again and lose.
BenThereDunThat Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Wow, guest. I'm going to look past your nastiness and tell you that how do you expect anyone to help you when you can't even trouble yourself to register? And guess what? My MM has called and emailed....and just like most of the OWs here, I have abstained. I'm sorry you're so bitter. Does it make you feel better to come in and go on the attack because we're just not bitter enough for you? What kind of help is it you're even looking for? And I'll tell you right now, lose the attitude or no one is going to even bother with you.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. I read these posts and I get no help because to me you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholics who are in denial. If he called again, you would be in it once again and lose. I'm sorry that you are is such pain. You are still grieving for your loss, and ANGER is part of that. When you are ready to heal, you will find acceptance and peace with yourself. The truth is, you DID waste 3 years with a MM. You didn't realize that he was not that into you, as I've mentioned on the 3rd point. Perhaps you still wish for HIM to call you?? As for myself, I know what I'd do if my MM contacts me. (And it won't be 'taking him back'. ) If you can understand all those points I've mentioned in my original post, then he won't be able to affect you in that way ever again because *you simply don't care*. We are all human. I know I have alot to offer. And I want the same from the object of my passion. Fair exchange, that's all. I'm not bitter at all. My MM has always been very courteous and generous with me. He's never lied to me. He's never promised me anything. I do love him. And I will probably always love him because he's made me feel so alive and so beautiful. However, loving someone also means respecting their wishes and boundaries. The KEY is: he chooses to stay in his marriage. I have to honor that. I have to honor myself as well - because what would that make me if I were to pine after an unavailable man? A woman who doesn't love herself enough, obviously!
RealityCheck Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. I read these posts and I get no help because to me you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholics who are in denial. If he called again, you would be in it once again and lose. Gee, it must be dreadful to live under your skin! I find it very sad that one person (MM) has had that much control of your inner light! If misery is what you are seeking here, you will not find it! The OW's may feel the pain, but they are at least aware that they carry love in their hearts! Perhaps it is you that needs to work on deeper issues and this is not ALL about your experience of the Affair. I wish you well.
bunset Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 We are all human. I know I have alot to offer. And I want the same from the object of my passion. Fair exchange, that's all. I'm not bitter at all. My MM has always been very courteous and generous with me. He's never lied to me. He's never promised me anything. I do love him. And I will probably always love him because he's made me feel so alive and so beautiful. However, loving someone also means respecting their wishes and boundaries. The KEY is: he chooses to stay in his marriage. I have to honor that. I have to honor myself as well - because what would that make me if I were to pine after an unavailable man? A woman who doesn't love herself enough, obviously! KHLF, This is wonderful and so very true! Now, I will be at peace when I can accept that I do love a person who is unavailable. I take great comfort in showing that love by respecting his needs, while caring for my own. My xMM stated that he truly wishes that I find the happiness I seek. The best method I have to express my love for him is to strive toward that goal, while honoring his request to support him in his efforts to reconcile with his W. I feel so badly for the guest poster. I believe the guest poster deserves more for herself than such pain. Unfortunately, it seems that she does not know where to look for the rewards she deserves. Guest, Your peace and comfort will come from within. It's already there. It sounds like you've just lost your connection to it. My best source for finding that connection has been "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer.
TheDiva Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. I read these posts and I get no help because to me you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholics who are in denial. If he called again, you would be in it once again and lose. Why do you feel it's a contest? Are you bitter at the wife because she still has him? Or bitter at yourself for believing a pack of lies? Having an A relationship tends to affect your self esteem. These issues are all dealt with after the A is over. Some take a bigger blow to their ego than others. But it is not because of MM lies, or his inability to leave the M or whatever else having to do with him. It goes very very deep, in that you have devalued yourself by allowing him into your life and heart. Deep down you know that you allowed him to have this effect on you. On top of that then you have an exMM that cannot match action and words. Even when it's all said and done, it's hard to believe he ever loved you at all, because he is still not with you... Guest believe in yourself. This MM has made you hate life? Well I would say that you would be hating life worse if he had left his M. If he had left and you took on the W role, he would most likely choose to cover any rocky spots of your M with another OW. Sure you would be happy for a while, but as soon as your marriage started to settle, of if he got bored, or you had problems, You would end up worried that he would do it to you. And he would if he hadn't fixed what it was within himself that made it okay for him to have an A in the first place. You are worth more than he could give you. Believe it and live it! You now have a chance to find greater happiness than MM would have been able to give you. USE IT. Once you get so far removed from the A in years, like I have, you begin to see everything in a different light. I KNOW that had MM left his M for me, I would not have the life I do today. FAR FROM IT. I would be in the 'bad part of town' with a bunch of children I couldn't take care of financially, with an absentee father, plus a cheating husband. That would have been a wonderful fullfilling life huh?
BenThereDunThat Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Just wanted to pop in and say to Diva, KHLF, RC, and Bun - you guys are awesome. You saw someone in pain, looked past her bitterness and reached out. Just another thing I'm learning from this site. I'm always the first to jump on defense and bite right back. I hope to reach your level of awareness some day!
TheDiva Posted September 16, 2006 Posted September 16, 2006 Just wanted to pop in and say to Diva, KHLF, RC, and Bun - you guys are awesome. You saw someone in pain, looked past her bitterness and reached out. Just another thing I'm learning from this site. I'm always the first to jump on defense and bite right back. I hope to reach your level of awareness some day! Thank You BTDT! You are on the right track. I know he is making you feel crazy. But really one day it will all come together for you. For me at least, I think it is because I have finished with it all and moved beyond even the healing. I know what I did, I feel bad for it, but I no longer internalize. I am a different person now and I made some stupid choices then. I have nothing that I feel I should justify anymore though. I realize now I needed to have that A, for the life lesson it taught me. But in defense of some of the defensiveness here, I probably would be just as defensive if I was newly out of the A. I am anything but bitter now, as I can see how much better off I am. I mean I have my children who have an awesome father, a wonderful H (who puts me a little too high on a pedestal IMO) a nice house, food on the table, 2 new model cars, my are bills paid off/ monthly ones on time. I am doing things I have a passion for....I really couldn't ask for too much more. Why would I be bitter, I have a much better life now because MM wouldn't leave. Believe me, I have wanted to shake some of these ladies and scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Living on this side gives me a clear view of what they are doing to themselves. I try to refrain from posting most times. I know I won't be heard. I will be seen as judging mostly. It's horrible to watch, but difficult to look away at the same time. I want to pull them up out of that fog and hug them and make them see what I can see. You only get one shot at life, and it seems a lot of women are willing to throw that one shot in the toliet for a thing called "love". I wouldn't go back to crying every night, feeling that empty feeling when MM says "I just can't leave. Not now, the kids need me." or one of the billions of cowardly excuses they use. THEN for me... Watching him drive off to go home to the wife and little squirts pretending to be a faithful husband and father to them. Being the one having to put my life on hold until he can make time for me. Go to work,school, dream about being with him all day, rush home to wait and see if he can slip away. Losing myself more and more, because I am beginning to believe I don't deserve any more than he can give me. I am selfish to want him to love me, be with me. Not being able to visit his hospital room after he wrecked. MM unable to be by my side as I miscarried our child. A child that he proclaimed was not his. NOW for me WHAT THE HE!! WAS I THINKING?????? I guess the only excuse I have is youth and stupity. I mean really, what would a MM really want with a girl who isn't even old enough to drink? Now I am older. *a diva don't reveal her age* I know exactly what a MM wants from a girl not old enough to drink. On the flip side I know of a few affairs that have forced D on the MP. The A parters are now married, some are happy. That happiness seems a bit strained to me. Most are distrustful of each other. Accusing the other of having another A. That shows me it takes a rare love indeed to leave and be truely content with that choice.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 16, 2006 Author Posted September 16, 2006 TheDiva, Wow! What a strange turn of events for you after the affair! Your story is something that is not being said enough! Your MM completely ran you down with his needs and selfishness. You ended up being pregnant with his child - yet he denies that it was his???? The best way for an affair to end is by the way of the WOMAN leaving the MM before she's completely destroyed in character and self-esteem.
newbby Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. I read these posts and I get no help because to me you all just sound like a bunch of alcoholics who are in denial. If he called again, you would be in it once again and lose. hey guest, i think that some of the time people are trying to gloss over pain, but some people have genuinely gotten over the affair. from where you are at the moment, you probably could not concieve of this, i know i felt like you describe for a long time, although i dont think i wanted my exmm to leave his wife for me. i can say now that since i met sg, mm tried to come back twice. the first time, i was sent into a small confusion, but i did not invite him in, afterwards i went through a few days of wondering what would have happened if i had, and upset that, that was probably it. the second time, i did not want him in, it never crossed my mind to invite him in, there was no dilemna, and i felt no sense of loss. i have not experienced getting over a mm with no sg, and so i cannot speak from personal experience about that. i think meeting a sg enabled me to see the reality of the affair compared with a normal relationship. i could see this could also happen for a mw in an affair, when she gets back to the reality of her marriage, and sees the affair for what it is. you will get there, and you will see that you can genuinely recover from an affair, and even feel nothing for the mm you were involved with.
NoIDidn't Posted September 17, 2006 Posted September 17, 2006 Believe me, I have wanted to shake some of these ladies and scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Living on this side gives me a clear view of what they are doing to themselves. I try to refrain from posting most times. I know I won't be heard. I will be seen as judging mostly. It's horrible to watch, but difficult to look away at the same time. I want to pull them up out of that fog and hug them and make them see what I can see. You only get one shot at life, and it seems a lot of women are willing to throw that one shot in the toliet for a thing called "love". Diva That is exactly what I feel like. But not being an OW, it is not well received and I have decided to just hope and pray that things work out for everyone I know that is hurting (IRL and on LS). Knowing that this is the OW board, I just hope to see some threads and posts like these on the Marriage and Infidelity forums. Everyone can heal from this. Its always wonderful when they do.
Meaplus3 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 Hi everyone! As many of you may know, I am a MW who fell very hard for another MM. It's almost been one year since that 'fling'. After countless hours on LS, among other things (books, exercise, work, music, kids, travel, etc.), I am happy to let you - OWs and OMs - know that there is bright light at the end of the tunnel. You CAN be happy again. I still peruse some of the posts on this forum, but I don't post as often as I used to. Trust me, I can feel your pains - I've been there, myself. I know where you are. It is not a pretty place - to be constantly fighting with yourself; wanting to do what is right/good but can't; wanting to figure out what the MM (MW) is thinking; and feeling helpless but also with a great sense of HOPE. I can't comment on all your threads, so I thought I would tell you how I did it, how I 'cured' myself out of this emotional entanglement. First, believe in yourself. You have to believe that you are strong enough to put a stop to your longings and heartaches. Believe that you will eventually get out of this. Secondly, understand that your situation with your MM is an illusion, a fantasy. It is not real. Like a drug, it keeps luring you back because the emotional high that you get from your interaction with your MM is just that. You cannot live off drugs, so why do you attempt to live off your fantasy? Third, and this is probably not easy, but you have to understand that your MM (or MW, if you are the OM) is NOT THAT INTO if he is not willing to leave his spouse for you. It shows that he is afraid of commiting himself to you. Secretly, he knows that he's putting on a show for YOU, which he can maintain every now and then, but never full time. I know, you will give me a bunch of excuses as to why he can't leave his M. Heck, even several months ago, I thought that I wanted what was best for my MM - which would be for him to stay in his M. However, I have finally come to realize that I am worth all the trouble that a divorce entails. If I am willing to divorce my H and create havoc for my family, why wouldn't he be willing to do the same? Fourth, if you are also married, please work on yourself first. This is the meat of it all, really. You started an affair - obviously because you were unhappy at the time you met your MM, and he filled those unmet needs and made you very happy. You are not going to change your H. You may not even change the dynamics of your relationship with your H, especially if you've been together for a very long time (10+ years). But work on yourself. What is it that YOU need? What can YOU do to make YOURSELF happy? Take care of yourself, and you will see that your needs to be with MM will dissipate into thin air. The truth is, we put our MMs on a pedestal. We love him and we idolize him. He can be perfect because he is only with us for such a short amount of time. I can be a bitchy for a few hours a day but you wouldn't find me bitching the whole day - that's just not me. When you finally see how strong, how smart, and truly beautiful you are, then your MM will appear more human - maybe even more so than your H. When you can say that you want a D for YOURSELF (because you think that you are better off without your H), then - HURRAY! - you can be free to choose - and you may not choose your MM (especially if he's still married to the woman whom he's not sleeping/in love with.) If he didn't choose you, then it is really his loss. You didn't lose. You said it all so well here! The last line of this message packs a powerful punch! I would some it up as "His loss, not mine".
will2power Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 You all just say that cause it didn't work out. It's excuses. It's a survival strategy. My MM left me. I hate him. I am bitter. I will never be able to trust anyone again. I hate life. I hate the fact that I was so fu....g stupid that I wasted 3 years of my life on a man that obviously never really loved me. If he had he would have left his stupid wife in the end. First, I want to say how really sorry I am to hear about what you are going through. It isn't easy and the pain is so raw. I think its aweful that anyone has to go through the kind of pain that you are feeling. Second, I want to know if you got anything out of the 3 years you were with your MM? What kind of life lessons did you get? If you can even name one thing, then I think that you didn't waste your time, you gained experience and knowledge, even if the price was very high. Third, did you know he was married when you decided to start a relationship with him? I think that if you did take up a relationship with him with the expectation that he would leave his W for you, then you would have set yourself up for disappointment. For me, my xMM told me that he would leave his wife to be with me... and he did. He did some flipflopping, but he is back now and back for good (I hope). I don't know enough of your situation as you didn't post your story, I can only say that my BF with 2 pre-teen kids, it was not easy for him to leave a marriage where there's familiarity and a sense of belonging (that feeling came from being around his kids). But I am very fortunate that my BF is willing to be fair to himself to choose to be with the woman he loves than to string the woman he doesn't love along for years and years until his kids grows up. All I can say is that had he left his W, it would have been very hard watching the range of emotions during his divorce. Actually, my BF called on me quite a few times, but I stood my ground that I would not be with him until he got separated. He and I have plans to move in together within the next year as soon as he has his finances in order and when I have mine (I'm in the process of getting a divorce too). I will be helping him with getting an apartment for himself in the next week. Its all very real. These women, Guest, they are not in denial. Many realize the likelihood that they won't have a happy ending as the OW. They want help and are looking for it. You get no help because you chose not to share and ask for help. Maybe you don't feel like you need it. I hope you would change your mind, register and post your story. KHLF, you are right, there is a BRIGHT light at the end of the tunnel. I know that before my BF came back for me, that I was starting to refocus. It took 3/4 of a year to get there, but I was getting there. Because of the nature of his separation and the anymosity will ensue if his W found out that he has reconnected with me, we keep our relationship under wraps. Only a couple of very close friends/family member of ours know that we are together once again. Ladies, regardless of how you feel right now, KHLF is right on the money. Focus on yourself and do the things that make you happy. Take the time to find your interests. Start a new hobby and focus on things that are not related to your MM. Learn to knit or take a course on carpentry or something fun like that. It helps pass time and you may get some new garments or furniture in the process. How wonderful is that?!? I wish you all the best in your journey of recovering from this mess. We may have chose this path knowingly with the naive hope that things would work out in our favour... or we may have been duped into the relationship. But in the end, we went into this not knowing the pain that would ensue. Take this pain and use it as a reminder that it can only hurt so much because you were able to love so much. Embrace your humanity in being able to feel so much and know that the next time around, you will be able to use your experience (good and bad) and make the next relationship that much better. Peace. W2P
bunset Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 W2P, Thank you for that thoughtful reply, too. But I need to 'admit' that I knew what a dangerous path I was treading when I went into my A. I gave many warning messages to the MM, also. Now, I must 'take my lumps' and find the good lessons that are always present, and use them for my own growth. Ever notice how shedding an old 'skin' is uncomfortable? I bet it ain't too easy for a butterfly to emerge from a coccoon, either.
Jessie61 Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 I am anything but bitter now, as I can see how much better off I am. I mean I have my children who have an awesome father, a wonderful H (who puts me a little too high on a pedestal IMO) a nice house, food on the table, 2 new model cars, my are bills paid off/ monthly ones on time. I am doing things I have a passion for....I really couldn't ask for too much more. Why would I be bitter, I have a much better life now because MM wouldn't leave. Believe me, I have wanted to shake some of these ladies and scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Living on this side gives me a clear view of what they are doing to themselves. I try to refrain from posting most times. I know I won't be heard. I will be seen as judging mostly. It's horrible to watch, but difficult to look away at the same time. I want to pull them up out of that fog and hug them and make them see what I can see. You only get one shot at life, and it seems a lot of women are willing to throw that one shot in the toliet for a thing called "love". Diva, You are so right in what you say and I also feel that frustration you describe. I am very much an exOW. And now that I have come out the other end of it I feel better than I have ever done in my entire life. I now know that I am strong enough to do anything that I want. Before the A nearly crushed me emotionally, spiritually and every other possible way you can think of! I am so much better off without my exMM! I appreciate all the things that I do have; I have my friends, family, house, job, pets, freedom, hobbies and all the other things a single girl can enjoy. But I also have the chance of meeting another single guy, which I never had while in the A because I was so engrossed in it. And do you know what? I actually HAVE met a single guy. Like someone said on this (or some other thread) if exMM came back to me now (even as a separated man) I would not even entertain the idea; he does not compare to my New Guy. I genuinely feel that. There are no lies or manipulation, no hidden agendas or half truths with NG. Instead he says what he means and he means what he says. We are now planning a more serious future together; I could never have done that with exMM. It would always have been his interests ahead of my own. Always. So I thank my lucky star for managing to find the strength to move away from that awful situation and I am also grateful that fate threw NG into my path.... I am such a lucky girl that I have to pinch my arm to believe it sometimes! Again, I am not an exceptional person. This could happen to each and everyone of the OW/OM out there whose MM/MW will not budge from their M. I do feel frustrated sometimes when I read the threads. All this suffering is so incredibly unnecessary!!!! I am grateful, though, to KHLF for starting this thread! We need reminding that there ARE happy endings too!!!
will2power Posted September 18, 2006 Posted September 18, 2006 W2P, Thank you for that thoughtful reply, too. But I need to 'admit' that I knew what a dangerous path I was treading when I went into my A. I gave many warning messages to the MM, also. Now, I must 'take my lumps' and find the good lessons that are always present, and use them for my own growth. Ever notice how shedding an old 'skin' is uncomfortable? I bet it ain't too easy for a butterfly to emerge from a coccoon, either. The lumps and battle scars help us remember the mistakes we've made in life and when we look at them, we can be reminded not to make the same mistakes. Without falling, how does one ever learn to get up? Without taking risks, how does one ever think that they will find their reward? I have said to xMM/BF many times that once the emotional connection we felt for each other was recognized, we were doomed. We were damed if we did and damned if we didn't. We did and the pain of losing each other in the process was unbearable. Neither of us had peace. If we didn't, we wouldn't have had the precious moments that we had with each other, even though the first time around, it was really brief. But the were precious, nonetheless. If we didn't we would always wonder and it would just eat at us and destroy the frail marriages we were in anyway. I'm not saying how we ended things the first time with our spouses was right... in fact, it was far from ideal. Anyway, This time we were blessed with a second chance with each other. We are so lucky and we've been saying that to each other. Life is good.
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted September 19, 2006 Author Posted September 19, 2006 Jessie, Thanks for your wonderful example of an OW moving on with a single guy. You are absolutely on the mark when you said: I genuinely feel that. There are no lies or manipulation, no hidden agendas or half truths with NG. Instead he says what he means and he means what he says. We are now planning a more serious future together; I could never have done that with exMM. It would always have been his interests ahead of my own. Always. Even when I say that my MM doesn't ever lie to me, I'm only half right. The reality is: we are living a lie by having this affair. So in a sense, I was always feeling like I was only living in "half truths" when I was with him. There is no possible future for us together, so why am I telling myself lies that we would be together? On another note, I want to update you on my MM. He has moved out of their house and is living by himself now. No divorce yet, however. I want to bring this up because someone mentioned earlier that "as soon as my MM shows up in my life again, I'd be head over heels with him". I know that I won't be talking to him, and that I will keep my distance from him. THe fact that he's leaving does make him appear more 'manly' than when he was staying. But that won't be enough for me leave my H for him. And an affair with him is not on my agenda! It is demeaning to my spirit and crushes my self-esteem. (And I will repeat it as often as I have to!)
will2power Posted September 19, 2006 Posted September 19, 2006 Jessie, ...that won't be enough for me leave my H for him. how are things in that department? I think that if you decide to leave your H and I think anyone for deciding to terminate a M should do it for themselves and not leave for another. That's just a recipe for disaster. Have had my MM/BF leave his M for me in the past and it was doomed from the minute we started. This time, he is leaving for himself. I know that he cannot be in an M with his W, not because she's a horrible woman. I think for him to have been married to her for so many years, she must be quite nice. And an affair with him is not on my agenda! It is demeaning to my spirit and crushes my self-esteem. (And I will repeat it as often as I have to!) I know how you feel KHLF. Hang in there.
what2donow Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 WoW! I am so grateful to you all for posting this. I'm only 4 weeks into NC with MM, so I'm still hurting/greiving/missing MM, but your posts have given me hope! I'm in IC and H and I will start MC soon but I'm not sure if I want to stay in M. I do realize that I need to do what will make me the best person for myself and kids. I'm still struggling with the idea of my relationship with MM was a "fantasy"-- we had such a strong emotional connection, it's hard to believe it wasn't real-- but, he said it was "impossible" for us to be together other than sneaking around, so I did walk away. At least I was strong enough and respected myself enough to do that. I've bookmarked this thread so I can reread this when I'm feeling weak and discouraged about my "recovery" over MM.
feelssoright Posted October 1, 2006 Posted October 1, 2006 This is a wonderful post and really gives me hope. I have had NC with my MM for 6 weeks now. The only thing different with me is that HE wanted to leave his W for me. When my H found out, and everything blew up, he called me and said his W was gone for the weekend, and wanted to know before she came back what I wanted to do. If I would have said YES....I am letting my H leave, and want you, I would have gotten it. But everything had happened so fast, and I was in such a state of confusion, that I said NO.....work on things with your W and I have to work at my M. Now, I have second thoughts... I am working on my M....but always have the sense of "what could have been" in my mind....
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 1, 2006 Author Posted October 1, 2006 we had such a strong emotional connection, it's hard to believe it wasn't real-- but, he said it was "impossible" for us to be together other than sneaking around, so I did walk away. At least I was strong enough and respected myself enough to do that. I've bookmarked this thread so I can reread this when I'm feeling weak and discouraged about my "recovery" over MM. Thank you for your kind words. I am delighted to know that I can help other OWs. I quoted the above because my MM has said the same thing to me - that it was "impossible" for us to be together. I was soooo confused at the time. I had to dig very deep and think very hard about that statement - what it meant and what it said about the kind of person he is. Finally, I've come to realize that it's a code word for: "I'd like to have you on the side, but I would never have you for real." ....
Author KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 1, 2006 Author Posted October 1, 2006 I said NO.....work on things with your W and I have to work at my M. Now, I have second thoughts... I am working on my M....but always have the sense of "what could have been" in my mind.... Hi there! It is normal to have second thoughts. It is awful, isn't it? Your MM put you on the spot - basically put the weight of the relationship on your shoulders - and expects you to make a LIFETIME decision? Geez. That's hardly fair to you!! Find yourself first. When you know who you are, you will know who you'd want to spend the rest of your life with. I have always been attracted to adversaries. When things become smooth and easy, I can become irritated and bored. For me, staying with my H is easy; hence, I really have to struggle with myself to stay! If being happy were easy...! My MM left his W, but he hasn't asked me to leave my H. I think that he wants me to decide for MYSELF. We are still on NC. There are days when I miss him terribly. But I have to remind myself that if we were meant to be with each other, we will eventually be together. Sometimes, we should just do what is easier for us. Why are we making our lives harder than necessary? I know so many passionless couples that survive.
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